...Learning to Love and be Loved.
This post will be redundant. It will repeat so many sentiments we've already heard and said. But it will still be necessary, simply because we haven't changed our behavior yet. So here we go...
Let's talk about Black love for a few minutes.
As a young Black woman growing into the independent woman my mother (and Destiny's Child) taught me to be, I'm having some issues with the tensions in my life. Let me explain... I’ve recently graduated, started graduate school, and work part time to make ends meet. I’m not as rare as society would have you think. A majority of my Black female friends are college educated, working, and prepping for lives filled with success in whatever field they’re pursuing. How is this army of intelligent, attractive, hardworking, independent women supposed to have a relationship with anyone? Especially a Black man, likely comfortable with the patriarchal systems we grew up with in the Black community?
I grew up watching my mother bust her ass to provide for my sister and me. I watched my aunts do the same for my cousins, and the mother’s of many of my friends do the same in their households. How many times did we grow hearing mantras about brothers not being shit, seeing women we idolized broken down then build themselves back up, and being taught (explicitly and implicitly) to make a way out of no way without relying on the support of a man? Certainly enough times for the independent, I don’t need a man, I can do bad all by myself notions to stick.
But here’s the thing – even the strongest, baddest, most independent woman needs companionship and love (man or woman, pick your poison). I personally believe that no one really wants to be alone. We’ll always find something to fill the void of loneliness, whether it’s physical objects, money, meaningless sex, or embarking on the hunt for your ideal partner. We’ve watched too many movies from “Love and Basketball” to “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” capitalizing on our desires for the storybook ending in Black love. I want my exciting and satisfying career that puts stacks in my bank account and allows me to jet-set all over the world, and I want my equally satisfying romantic relationship with my sexy chocolate. Is being the Beyonce to someone’s Jay-Z too much to ask??? Where’s my Barack Obama??? And let’s not front like I’m the only Black girl in America with these aspirations.
Recently, one of my closest friends hit me up saying she was watching “The Cosby Show” and noted how different the boys and men of previous generations were in comparison to our “dating” pool of young Black males. I had to stop and really think about what accounted for this change, not just in Black men but also in Black women. My conclusion: these changes in the way we see love and relationships in the Black community are a result of broken homes. Before you label me Donna Lemon or some shit, hear me out.
To the Black women reading, how much insight do you have into the life of a Black man? None, unless you used to be one (no judgment). Imagine how hard it is to be a Black woman, who has probably been scorned by at least one Black man, to raise her son into the strong and supportive Black man she wants him to be. Next time you see a woman in that predicament, give her props cuz that shit can’t be easy. So now we have numerous young men who may or may not have had an adequate father figure to teach him about manhood, love, sex, responsibility, etc.
What about all the young Black women growing up without a father at all, or one who comes around sparingly? What issues will she harbor towards Black men? How did her father treat her mother? How did the men after her father treat her mother? Does she know how to accept love from a man? Does she know how to accept help from a man? Will she know how and when to take off her independent woman stilettos and power suit off to be delicate and vulnerable around her man?
So now let’s say these two people meet and start dating. (Hypothetically of course because this never happens in real life right? Right.) These two could be perfect for each other, soul mates if you will. But does that matter if neither have seen enough realistic portrayals of a healthy and successful relationship between two Black people. Sure we know Dre and Sydney live in hip-hop love land at the end of “Brown Sugar” but did our parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents, mentors, church members, etc.? And if they did, were they faithful and supportive? Or did they have marriages and relationships filled with deception, adultery, or abuse?
There are so many factors that lead to broken homes in our community, that’s not what I’m here to talk about – at least not today. But the ways we cope with that reality has a serious impact on us and the children raised in these households. My mother never bashed my father or tried to influence my opinions on him as a parent or man; he caused that damage on his own. I’m grateful that my mom took that route instead of expressing all that anger to me. I think that’s one reason why I don’t have a permanent “Black men ain’t shit” stance like many other Black women my age. However, I do have other issues stemming from all this that continuously influence the way I handle relationship. It’s my responsibility to gain an understanding of what those issues are, how they manifest themselves, and how to prevent them from negatively impacting my relationships.
It’s our responsibility to break this cycle within our community. We have to look deep inside to tap into the self-love we need to be comfortable enough in our skin, because really that’s the first step to being able to adequately love someone else. We have to let go of our parent’s mistakes so that they aren’t to blame for our own.
