my next Destiel hot take be upon ye
I often see the following idea presented, with only slight changes to wording: "Dean wants Cas to choose to stay (choose Dean) vs. Cas just wants to be asked to stay (to be chosen by Dean), but neither of them can say that and therefore it is the inherent tragedy of their love."
I could be wrong, but I think a lot of this interpretation stems from this part of the script in 15x09, "The Trap."
DEAN: I know you're sorry, Cas. About Bel, about Mom.
CAS: I was talking about Jack. I already apologized to you. You just refused to hear it.
DEAN: Sorry I brought it up. Maybe if you didn't just up and leave us.
CAS: You didn't give me a choice. You couldn't forgive me. And you couldn't move on. You were too angry. I left, but you didn't stop me.
I think this actually speaks to the fact that Dean usually does try to stop Cas from leaving, and that he didn't is what was different this time. Because Dean always seeks a way to forgive Cas, even if it means compromising his own worldview ("Dude, if anybody else – I mean anybody – pulled that kind of crap, I would stab them in their neck on principle.") Dean does, regularly and repeatedly, try to bring Cas in from the cold. He does, regularly and repeatedly, tell Cas what he means to him.
I need you, I'm glad you're here, I'd rather have you, check your messages, I'm not leaving without you, why didn't you wait for me, you've got one job to do and that's to heal, you're the best friend we've ever had, never do that again, let's go home. Etc.
Cas is not waiting to be asked to stay; HE HAS BEEN ASKED. It's in this specific and particular instance that Dean doesn't ask. And that's the problem. It implies that Dean has finally had enough of the way Cas doesn't treat Dean as a partner the way that Dean treats Cas as one. Cas has regularly shown a tendency to go away and try to take care of their big problems alone, without communicating, and come back with proof that he's more than the mistakes he's made-- not for Dean, but for himself. Dean's aware that Cas has this issue! He acknowledges it especially in s12 - "And he's so desperate for a win right now, he can't even see straight." Dean is usually very sympathetic to it even though it drives him absolutely crazy.
Mary's death is not at all Cas's fault, of course. But the fact that Cas ditched them and went to seek help from God and the angels again when he didn't know what to do about Jack -- instead of talking to Dean about it -- is the part that I think pushed Dean over the edge. The fixed point in their relationship - that Dean will always forgive Cas when he runs off to try to save the day - turns out to not be as fixed as either of them thought it was. And to really twist the knife, Dean questions whether his feelings for Cas are even real. I don't think Dean actually believes Chuck has forced him to have feelings for Cas (familial or otherwise), but it reminds me of the way Dean says Jack isn't family in "Unity" - he doesn't truly believe that, but he has to find a way to emotionally justify making an impossible choice between which members of his family he loves more. Cutting out Cas, cutting out Jack, because he is actually literally at his mental and emotional breaking point and there has to be a justification to get Dean through it.
I think the inherent tragedy is a lot more in the fact that Dean wants Cas to stay and Cas just can't do that. You can't remove the noble knight from his natural habitat of questing; he'll waste away. They have incompatible self-esteem issues. Dean needs to feel more important than the mission in order to believe he's loved, and Cas needs to complete missions to prove himself worthy of love. They're fucking idiots, your honor.
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