CSA Survivor

TW for all posts for trauma details. Please let me know if you don't want something answered publicly. I am in recovery from CPTSD (complex PTSD) from a couple years of sexual abuse by two close family friends.

[bakwaaas]

there is a deep pathological sadness and loneliness you just can’t shake off that comes from having a traumatic childhood and broken family which I still haven’t come to terms with

[bakwaaas]

[mycptsdrecovery]

When I was 12 I got into my first relationship with a girl I was friends with. We were both openly pretty sexual because that was kind of just how we were. At first it seemed fine since I didn't really care. She'd say some sexual stuff to me, I'd say some shit back, and I didn't mind it, even if she technically never asked, I felt like there was an option to say no if I didn't want to do anything.

That summer, there was a sleepover at her house for her 12th birthday. Since I'm trans, I was allowed to stay even though I'm a guy.

It all seemed fine. We went to the pool before we went to her house.

I didn't know then, but she watched me change into my swimsuit.

That day was the first time she ever did something I didn't want. I couldn't swim and was scared of getting into the water, so she pulled me into a more shallow end. She was stronger than me. I tried telling her to stop, but she kept going. I ended up biting down hard on her arm. Big mistake, I just ended up turning her on (ew) and she kept going to try and make me do it again.

When we got to her house, it was mostly fine. We had 2 other friends with us and we played some games and goofed off.

Around 2am, we decided to play truth or dare (I didn't consider it sexual, but i guess some people do). One of our friends dared us to go into the basement and play 7 minutes in heaven. Turns out we had very different ideas of that game.

The version I knew was going into a room and making out for 7 minutes. I was fine with that, even if it was awkward and I was a horrible kisser.

Apparently her version of 7 minutes was full on sex. I ended up just pushing her off me until one of our friends called us upstairs again.

I managed to brush it off for months, but when we broke up when I was 13, it all came flooding back and I had to heal from it all over again.

I'm 14 now, and she's ruined every aspect of my life. I've told my friends, but she continues to tell everyone that I'm a liar, simply because she doesn't remember it.

I honestly have no clue why I sent this as an ask I think I just needed to rant for a bit

.

[hel7l7]

I don't think living with this disorder is easy but you do sorta get used to it after a while

[sadhoc]

i love you comforter i love you pillow i love you sheets i love you mattress i love you plushie i love you dark room i love you bedtime

[arieefineart]

Inner child by Ariee

[traumasurvivors]

It’s really valid if you aren’t ready to talk about your trauma. It’s also valid if you’re never ready. While talking about it can be helpful for a lot of people, it’s not beneficial for everyone. In fact, doing it before you’re ready can actually be re-traumatizing. How you heal is about you and not anyone else’s expectations.

[angria]

“You were a kid, a baby. Those things were done to you. You have nothing, nothing to blame yourself for, not ever, not in any universe.”

— from A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara

[feral-ballad]

Fariha Róisín, from Who Is Wellness For?: An Examination of Wellness Culture and Who It Leaves Behind

[Text ID: “I never fought back, I learned how to cry silently, I bore my sins.”]

[honeypleasejustkillme]

who else mourning the person they could've been if they were treated kindly as a child

[antisisyphus]

the torn-up road by richard siken - geoff mcfetridge

[desultory-suggestions]

You didn’t deserve to be punished for asking for love.

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

-Bylthe baird, if my body could speak

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

Richey Edwards

[only-knives]

trauma does not make me stronger. trauma forces me to use all the strength i have on survival - to the detriment of my health and happiness. and now, i'm fighting for a life where i don't have to divert all of my strength on that - a life where i can use my strength on the things that genuinely fulfill me, instead of just getting through horrific things. so i can be happy and safe.

so. you can bet your fucking ass that i was just as strong before as i am now. i'm just showing that strength differently. trauma does not determine my strength - i do.

[mycptsdrecovery]

Just wanted to share what we’ve been going thru and ask if anyone relates to any of it. TW for possibly repressed csa and detail about our symptoms and memories

We’re an OSDD dx system and we’re pretty sure we have sexual trauma, but we straight up don’t remember it. However, we do get full-body sensations that feel like csa flashbacks and have extreme sex repulsion and some other random triggers and sensations that don’t make sense (like a phobia of jewelry and certain shapes of hands). We recently met a really young child alter in our system who only says “he touched me” over and over again, and it’s been super concerning. Nothing else that we know for sure we’ve experienced in life feels like it could indicate csa, but we did have some intense behaviors as a little kid like playing out violence and molestation with toys or in drawings, being very careful to never let our parents find out we were doing that. We compulsively masturbated starting at 11, but that’s a normal age to try those things out (just maybe not the compulsion part). We also know we were spanked bc our parents told us they did that, but we don’t remember that either. We know we got a lot of yeast infections as a toddler, but that it’s really common in young kids. The stuff that wasn’t all that normal was our parents not letting us shut the bathroom door when using the toilet or bathing even thru 5th grade and the really violent compulsive sexual fantasies we had as a pre-teen.

We feel super invalid for not knowing anything about whether any sexual trauma happened to us (we know about a lot of the religious and emotional abuse but not anything physical at all and feel like we might be grasping at straws that aren’t there)

Which is weird bc if someone else told us the same things we would never invalidate what they’re going through. Alas…

.

[i-am-the-quintessential-queer]

100% this. Like I cannot stress this enough how much of a delay you can have in processing things that impacted us when we were younger. There’s still plenty of shit I’m processing from high school, things that until I really sit and think about it I don’t even realize were fucked up. Give yourself time, every day is another chance to heal a little more 🖤

[closet-keys]

nobody talks about how ptsd feels like genuinely embarrassing and humiliating sometimes

like you’ve been through however much shit and then years later you’re crying in your kitchen cause you got triggered by something super mundane you see every day like.. dishes, and you can’t explain why because the connection to trauma is vague and weird and contextual and so you’re just like why is this who I am…