A Diary For My Downturns

I am no longer the happy go lucky person I used to be.

[ambiguities]

[mydarkesthouryet]

I think an analysis of myself is needed. All my attempts to better myself have been superficial, only trying to combat the obvious. I hardly know myself anymore and reading my fave fics has suggested that I could use Law to help myself; I seem to relate to him a lot. I need some time to understand...

~R

[mydarkesthouryet]

Saturday 13th August 2016

Since last night, I’ve had this sinking feeling that I’m slowly losing my ability to express myself. Maybe it’s partly due to me shutting myself off but sometimes I struggle to show emotions? I don’t sympathise with people as much as I used to (I might even go as far as to say I’ve lost the empathetic ability my younger self had). I’m unable to tell people in real life that I’m not ok, that not everything is in order.

They say “are you alright?”

My inner self is screaming “NO NOTHING IS ALRIGHT I WANT TO DIE” but instead I say “Yeah I’m ok.”

Perhaps I’m scared to burden others or I fear others changing themselves because of me(for better or worse). I don’t want either of those things.

~R

[deaddlynightshade]

SIA // ALIVE

[mydarkesthouryet]

Sunday 31st July 2016

A bunch of my mum’s chinese friends came to the shop today and it just reminded me of how much of a family failure I am ;) People get surprised when they learn I’m chinese but I can’t speak cantonese and it sucks even more when I’m with actual chinese people cos I feel like I’m being made fun of for something I can’t help. My mum doesn’t see her friends very often so I feel sorry that she has such a socially awkward family (my brother doesn’t talk much; my dad doesn’t talk at all; I don’t talk and I hide away from them) but I just can’t help feeling resentment when I see chinese people cos it just reminds me of my shame. I could y’know, learn cantonese and save all the trouble but my mum doesn’t have time and I myself don’t have the energy/time to teach myself (yeah yeah I sound like I’m making excuses shut up). Add this all to my overall depressed mood today and the anxiety I’d had for most of the shift (to the point where my hands were shaking and I was making a load of mistakes) and yeah I’ve really not had a good day today.

~R

[mydarkesthouryet]

Lmao lets have a general update

cos y’know all I ever put on here is depressing stuff and while its good for venting, ppl looking on here don’t see my progress so lmao here we go.

After some research, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have Cyclothymia. Not Depression because they don’t last that long and not Bi-polar disorder because my mood swings aren’t that serious.

With that, I’ve set up a diary to log these mood swings and when I go to uni, I may find someone to give me an official diagnosis.

Things have perked up this holiday and while I wasn’t exactly on my best during NCS, in general I have improved from what I’ve been like during the school year. I’m not feeling spectacular at the moment but I don’t think it’s depression and probably more likely just feeling very physically exhausted (though I’ve not even done a lot today lmao)

~R

[mydarkesthouryet]

Tuesday 26th July 2016

I am intensely paranoid about being abandoned after what happened with my friends at my primary school, with CB, with MM and with my year 9 squad but tbh I’m pretty hypocritical considering I used to be friends with the boys on my street and one day for some reason I can’t remember, I stopped playing out with them. It was all in my free will and everyone including myself is probably wondering what made me do that.

~R

[circussideshow]

There’s a shadow just behind me, Shrouding every step I take, Making every promise empty, Pointing every finger at me.

Sober - Tool (via circussideshow)

[quote-a-lyric]

Sober- Tool

Submitted by: lovesmelikejesus

[mydarkesthouryet]

Sunday 5th June 2016

I’m constantly switching between impassiveness, depressed moods and hyper moments and honestly its so frustrating just knowing that I can’t enjoy one happy moment without being punched in the gut by depression a matter or minutes or hours later. I don’t know if it is depression or whether it’s just teenage mood swings but I have been toying with the idea. It could be something else but I don’t know what else would cause this.

~R

[mydarkesthouryet]

Literally though, I hate the holidays so much now because yeah I have loads of free time but I have such low motivation to do anything and since I have very little contact with my friends, I get depressed very easily and I get delusional about things and half the time I'm so empty and like what even is the point in living ~R

[mydarkesthouryet]

Friday 3rd June 2016

*thinks about how well I could be doing in school if I actually put the effort in* Ahhh, how nice depression is. It's so good to have such low motivation and constantly feel like you could drop dead at any moment. ~R

[mydarkesthouryet]

Tuesday 31st May 2016

Things I’ve begun to hate about holidays:

- I have more time to ponder on stuff I don’t want to think of and as a consequence, I have more time to hate myself

- I masturbate too much (not even joking)

~R

[rosespell]

[mydarkesthouryet]

Sunday 22nd May 2016

There’s something wrong with me.... I don’t know what it is, which thing is bothering me. I punched my pillow a lot, tried breathing exercises, ripped up a load of paper, listened to music and rocked back and forth but nothing’s calming me down. I tried calling ES and then I realised she’d be revising and I’d be bothering her and i’d just be annoying because haha who am i anyway she doens’t care about me i’m just getting in her way who do i think i am ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

fuck

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~R

[rainripplesdailythoughts]

Somehow I simultaneously hate going to school and not going to school at the same time.

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[fairytales-arent-real-here]