Diary of a Different Boy...

Established 1991           Founded 2014

[mydiaryofadifferentboy]

Wednesday 24th December - Christmas Already?

Dear Different Boy,

Can't believe we are at christmas already. How quick has 2014 passed? It is crazy how quick time is flying by recently. I don't particularly want to get older lol. It doesn't feel like Christmas AT ALL. Like I remember when it used to feel festive not even just when I was a child but as an adult too. This year is different. I don't know what it is and I cant exactly put my finger on it but it is different! I always get dead reflective at this time of the year. Its because the new year is coming up and this year I cannot wait because I get to celebrate it in Ireland :D So So happy about this!

So yeah, its christmas eve and I get reflective. If I sit and think about the situation I was in, my life at the time and the person I was exactly one year ago on 24th December 2013, it astonishes me. Here are the facts;

24/12/13 - In a relationship where I was happy and could see a future  - Had a good job  - Semi financially secure enough to make reasonable purchases anyway  - Had a best friend who was also my gf and soul mate, a best friend and wonderful housemates

24/12/14

  - Single  - Yet to begin a job but starting soon   - Absolutely broke and in a financial mess   - Lost my best friend /gf/soul mate. Lost the strength in the best friend relationship and communication is limited. Living with parents and absolutely hate it with no privacy whatsoever and hardly speak to anyone from 12 months ago

Now that's a change. 2014 is the complete opposite of 2013

In a way I wish I could take back some things from the last 18 months such as even attempting to get into a relationship because it has culminated in me also losing my best friend and pretty much everyone who was around me. But then I tell myself everything happens for a reason and I definitely would not be as strong as I am now if that hadn't happened. If I had not been screwed over by the two people I trusted with my life, I would not be able to protect myself and be as strong as I am. It has been a trying year to say the least but I am really going to make this upcoming year the best I can at the end of the day. I have put everything to bed, there are no hard feelings from my previous relationships at all and I have come out the other end thankfully. I just understand that people change, including myself, and true colours always show! That's the weakness of human beings. You can only hold up the act for so long before you break. I care about a lot of these people still but by no means do I trust them with anything. There is a difference. I know that now.

Things will certainly never be the same again and this is something I have learned to deal with and am quite comfortable with

So, Merry Christmas everyone and watch out for Different Boy because I have intense determination now!

[mydiaryofadifferentboy]

Electricity is really just organized lightning

George Carlin

[mydiaryofadifferentboy]

Congestion (July 2014)

It gets so lonely sometimes!

Isolation is a personal fear of mammoth proportions. But fear is something that lingers, its something you wait for, impending. This is not the case. My fear is all too real. I live halfway between reality and fantasy. I am unaware most days of what is real and what is not. I find my mind wondering and constructing some grandiose scenario that is evidently unachievable in the rational mind.

Questions

Constant questions

Isolation is not impending. It has already reached its destination. I work on a minute by minute basis of survival. I do not have the luxury of leading a normal life, whatever that may be. My mind is like a detailed and complicated web of confusion, attempting to deconstruct truth from lie, an amalgamation of emotion that seems to prevent the movement to the second step, halting the departure from the first step in my life, on which I currently stand upon. I have remained in this position for too long.

Something needs to happen. I need change.

Mind racing, I find myself lost in a perpetual state of nothingness. Wondering whether this was supposed to happen to me. My mind wonders too much, an elaborate mission deciphering an intricate inspection of what has lead me to this moment. Why do I have to think so intently?

I long to be normal

I long to find a day where for one moment, I am given permission to not worry. An everlasting solitude. I do not fear change, perhaps I have been wrong. I do not fear loneliness; I fear the inability to experience solitude. The consistency of bliss.

Yes, I would like to know how that feels

[mydiaryofadifferentboy]

Got a phone call today which has finally placed me on the first few steps of the career ladder! You have to go through the shit before the good comes and you are never given something you cannot handle!

I really believe that everything happens for a reason. 2014 has been truly awful. I have been fucked over by people and consequently screwed myself over. Well no more!

I WILL be something!

[mydiaryofadifferentboy]

I'm perfectly incomplete, I'm still working on my masterpiece

Jessie J (lyric from 'Masterpiece' taken from 'Sweet Talker')

[mydiaryofadifferentboy]

An absolute tune!!

'If you can find the time, I will wait for you. But if you can't find the time, then cut me loose'

One piece of advice; be honest in everything!

[mydiaryofadifferentboy]

TRUTH (original)

This is what I am doing, this is my truth

Protect myself on a daily, inspect every detail

I am bowing out of the game, of the hurt

My truth is my heart is up for sale

  For one year only you can overdose

Buy my love at a discounted price

Abuse my mind, heart and soul if you wish

Although a gentle caress will suffice

  For all this time I have been on the wrong track

I am strong, independent, my singular claim

Afraid of admitting the truth of that time

That I was the lone player in the crying game

  Truths have changed

Moved from insults exchanged

Assumed my position as deranged

Now my present has rearranged

  Primal fear concealing the cure

My truth is the prescription

Warning bells ring for the arrival

Life is my truthful subscription

  With an insurgence against the confines of my life

I move forward with vision, reborn and clear

The truth has been posing as lies for far too long

I am a different boy, welcome to the premiere

[mydiaryofadifferentboy]

a moment with autumn (April 2014)

Birds are singing as I sit in the back garden. I haven’t spent much time in this garden before. I have been living here a year almost. It is a shame but it has always been weather dependent. Amongst all the ensuing chaos that has been my life as of late; I can sit here now and appreciate life. As I sit under the tree, there is a singular ray of sunshine penetrating through the autumn leaves, looking for me.

A glimpse of hope?

A perfect reassurance?

Life is actually very beautiful. Clarification is a stunning concept too. I can’t describe it but it was as if something just clicked inside my mind last night as I lay in bed. Love does not control me. She is not my world and if she does not want me it is okay because someone does, they just don’t know it yet. I have to love myself. I am the most important person to me. I cannot even begin to explain how this sudden clarity has made me feel. I think the chains are slowly breaking and I am going to rise up and prove my worth. I have to constantly reassure myself every single time. My anxiety and thoughts are finally being controlled. I am the master, they are the puppets. This only serves to free me more. No relationship will EVER define who I am. I am independent and strong. I must believe this. As I hear the songbird whistle its truthful tune, I understand the importance of life and what really matters. It is as if the bird is foretelling my future, the upcoming truth.

This is who I am going to be. Authentically truthful. I am embracing what is beautiful about me.

I am in control

I am winning

[mydiaryofadifferentboy]

Standard reminisce of two beavers

Loz: Ash in the eye

Me: Oh god don't, that still gives me nightmares that hurt so fucking much

Loz: Ha, I was remembering ashtray on my neck when you blew it in my face and I went sick!

No other person understands our language of beaver besides the tripod of beavers. Miss them

[mydiaryofadifferentboy]

I look beyond what people sayin', and I see intent Then I just sit back and decipher, what they really meant

Nicki Minaj  (All things Go taken from The Pinkprint)

[mydiaryofadifferentboy]

This performance is so beautiful! Bronwyn Lewis on The Voice UK a few years ago. i got so angry with Jessie J who gave the impression she was going to turn for her and didn't. So annoying because this was amazing!

Such a shame she didn't get through!

[mydiaryofadifferentboy]

I AM HERE (original)

You stand and laugh, tell me why?

When now I am stronger

Those days of despair are long gone

I cry no longer

  The challenge of your life; keep on

Before you know it, these days are gone

Run from fear, wipe that tear

Scared no more, Im finally here

  Im sorry for all I’ve done, but I’m human

Making mistakes, head hangs south

Learning curves, no longer blind

As those words escape your mouth

  That four letter word, exclusive on my part

There are too many footprints on my heart

But these three words have become so clear

Happy to say, im finally here

[mydiaryofadifferentboy]

My favourite artist at the moment, hands down! The best songwriter in the game, fact!

Describes the dangers of love down to a tee

Sia <3

[mydiaryofadifferentboy]

Wednesday 17th December - No Surprises

Dear different boy,

So I haven't really stuck to the original plan of writing an entry every day but you know what, I have been too busy to follow that commitment. Hmm.. what has happened since I last wrote well..... I am one step closer to starting my new job. My checks have all come back clear and now I am just waiting for my employer reference to come back which is pissing me off because its simple to just fill a form out for me. This is important for crying out loud.

I am so looking forward to December 27th eeek. This is when I go to Ireland for a week. Literally so excited. Ireland has always been my home. My true home. I feel closer to my Irish roots than my British ones and it is such an escape for me. I am genuinely happy when I am there and around my family over there, a lot happier than I could ever be here!

Been busy today which is good. Keeping busy is always good for me to keep my mind of a lot. Another thing I do to keep my mind of all the shit going on around me is to write. You would never have guessed ay? haha. I LOVE writing poetry, I really do. I have an ongoing project called Mind, Body and Soul which consists of the poetry you will find published on my Tumblr page already with more to follow... imagination is a big thing for me. It always has been and having a flexible imagination is really important as far as I am concerned. I have a concept and a premise and a idea board already constructed for an upcoming novel :) I will do it. Its a big goal for me in life! To write the book I would enjoy to read.

I will say nothing surprises me anymore because I have pretty much seen and heard everything within the vicinity. Holding your tongue is one of the most difficult things you will ever have to do, especially when something requires your fighting strength to overcome it and disagree but most of the time you have to blank it out and ignore it. That's all I seem to do these days because I am not in a position where I can disagree which frustrates me beyond belief! When I am gone however, I have a plan and I will no longer be in a position where my tongue is restricted. I am not surprised by anything because to a certain extent I know the absolute truth, my experiences have served me well to build walls and protect myself from the onslaught of subtle yet damaging actions. I am not the person I was ten years ago, I am not fooled by your false camaraderie, this environment is transparent. I am not stupid!

Till next time different boy ;)

[mydiaryofadifferentboy]

The most important thing is to enjoy your life - to be happy - it's all that matters

Audrey Hepburn

[mydiaryofadifferentboy]

BROKEN (original)

Truly broken

Whether or not words are spoken

Desperate for my heart to heal

Numb, don’t know what to feel

  Surviving each minute, for how long?

Questions; right or wrong?

I have lost, lost all control

Heartbroken, body without a soul

  Sacrificed so much to be with you

And yet I know that you did too

Light illuminated, turn to reality

You were no longer living your fantasy

  Decision about you, difficult beyond compare

Understanding now that life isn’t fair

How do I say, I no longer want you there

When I cannot help but care

  Nobody understands the extent of pain

No comforts, questions, complete refrain

Forever separated and that’s the hardest part

Destroyed by the affairs of the heart

  Only love can hurt like this

Being with you was undeniable bliss

But now your ghost haunts, living in hell

Everything removed, remains but a shell

[mydiaryofadifferentboy]

This is the quote I want for my next tattoo across my collarbone

I want it now :(