famata-ouleye

i write to understand myself. if it resonates, welcome to my shoebox.

[mydigitalshoebox]

leave it for the morrow

why

So I may have a reason to wake

[mydigitalshoebox]

Surrounded by men who entice him

Indulge, indulge, indulge

A forever test of the senses and restraint

[mydigitalshoebox]

The pen is my husband

[mydigitalshoebox]

I see the woes of marriage. And the potential for great joy. And still, I tell myself, I couldn’t do it.

There is a heightened embarrassment to it all, and a mechanical degree of separation.

On one end, I’d like to dissolve into the sensation of being wife, lover, chosen.

On the other, I can’t help but stand slightly to the side, taking notes.

[mydigitalshoebox]

in the dead of night

alone

in your room

do you feel close to God then?

[mydigitalshoebox]

if ive ever made veiling look easy

—

The veiled woman looks at the unveiled one with a cocktail of emotion.

One part pity,

one part envy.

One part longing,

one part anger.

To be seen.

To be known and visible.

Taking space in the way

I see them do

In the way

I assume

they do

“I have to style my hair”

“I don’t have any clothes to wear”

I’d take it.

I’d take those anxieties

if it meant an audience

If it meant perception

It’d be easy to say

the grass is never as green

as you’d like,

but what does that do

for the questions

the wonder

I wouldn’t be new

without the hijab

I’d still be me.

Would I?

I’ve known myself

as hijab first

To always chase the state

that would finally

allow me

to feel

whole.

[mydigitalshoebox]

Epiphanies & happenings & changes

[mydigitalshoebox]

god has granted me distance

god has granted me time

and yet i find my mind lulled back to those four walls

i have done such terrible things in the name of victimhood

i wonder then,

who is the wronged

[mydigitalshoebox]

Surely we’re more than strangers?

We’ve become exactly that.

[mydigitalshoebox]

What person truly belongs to us?

[mydigitalshoebox]

But there’s no guarantee

[mydigitalshoebox]

When I look at families, I don’t think of the cost, I wonder if after that I’d finally feel settled

[mydigitalshoebox]

Am I waiting on my death to be proven?

To whom?

If I strip my understandings bare

What am I left with

[mydigitalshoebox]

What does someone say to convince you to take your walls down?

[mydigitalshoebox]

It’s like being half asleep—you do the actions. Good actions. Productive actions. But you’re not there. That’s what this feels like.

[mydigitalshoebox]

There was a time when failing a class was my greatest worry

[mydigitalshoebox]

I do the things I’m supposed to. I work out. I go to work. I pray. I recite Quran. But I feel suspended. Like I’m not doing anything at all. Like I’m waiting for my life to start while living it.