My Journey to Acceptance

"I'm losing myself, Trying to compete With everyone else Instead of just being me. Don't know where to turn, I've been stuck in this routine, I need to change my ways Instead of always being weak."

[myjourneytoacceptance]

Didn't See This One Coming

Well I may have had a slight relapse. And by "slight" I mean I haven't exercised in over a week and I've pretty much shot my diet plan to hell.

Now that I've gotten that out of my system, it's back to the grind. I leave for spring break in two and a half weeks and it's about time I get my shit together. (After tomorrow, that is, because tomorrow is Valentine's day and calories don't count if you're miserably single.) I'm back to counting my calories, staying within my limit, and working out in some shape or form every single day.

I don't know why I've been lacking so much motivation lately, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I'm not seeing results. Last time I lost weight, I was able to push through and watch the number slowly dwindle on the scale. This time, though, I find myself saying "what's one more pound? No one will even be able to tell I gained it anyway." Bad idea. Reallllly bad idea. That mindset isn't going to get me toward my goal weight any quicker.

I think I'm just going to have to break down and buy a scale to keep in my apartment to measure my progress every week so I at least have some positive reinforcement. I'll probably pick up a measuring tape too. Anything that might help, right?

Focusing on the power of positive thinking from now on. Just gotta find that little voice inside my head that's screaming "you can do it!!!!" and listen to it.

...After tomorrow that is. ;)

[myjourneytoacceptance]

Couch to 5K

So today I started my "Couch to 5K" training. Okay, so I'm not exactly starting from the couch. I've been working out on the elliptical for the past couple weeks and also attending spinning classes regularly. I'm going to continue the spinning classes, because they're one of the best decisions I've ever made in the exercise department of my life, but I'm replacing the elliptical with the treadmill.

I know how difficult picking up running can be. Believe it or not, there was a time about two summers ago when I was running three miles every day. (Excuse me while I take a moment to kick myself for ever stopping.) Obviously that's changed drastically, so this "Couch to 5K" app is a huge help. 

My dad actually runs a couple 5K's a year, and I'm determined to run one with him the next time around. It's always been a secret desire of mine, but I've never actually done it for fear of not being able to make it through or looking like a fool in the process.

It's an eight week program. I've got one workout down and 24 more to go. It's going to be a trek, but I'm ready to take my journey to the next level. 

[prettygirlfood]

[myjourneytoacceptance]

I....I'm just...excuse me while I clean up this puddle of drool on my desk.

[myjourneytoacceptance]

Shedding for Sunshine

Found out yesterday that I'm heading south to the lovely sunshine state for Spring Break. I couldn't be more excited. I haven't been on a vacation since I went to Disney World for my Spring Break trip senior year of high school. It's about damn time.

And this also adds another excuse/reason for me to get my ass in gear and start shedding these pounds! I'd say it's a win-win situation. 

I can almost taste the crisp ocean air and feel the sun on my back and the waves at my feet.

[food-gifs]

[myjourneytoacceptance]

Oh. My. God.

These look beyond delicious.

Darn me and my love of baking!! These are calling my name. I'm *this close* to making them when my brother comes to visit on Friday and eating one and making him take the rest home.

Who am I kidding, I'd eat them all. Every. Last. One of them. 

[myjourneytoacceptance]

For some reason unbeknownst to me, I thought it'd be a great idea to workout twice today. WRONG. I am so exhausted right now I'm about to go crawl in my bed and sleep for the rest of forever. On the bright side, I feel incredibly accomplished right now, so at least I have that. And I've managed to not reward myself with food since this whole eating healthy lifestyle change, but that's another topic for another day.

[myjourneytoacceptance]

Cheater cheater pumpkin-eater

I ended up doing my workout yesterday. It ended up being in the evening after I got off work, but it happened and that's all that matters.

I'm feeling pretty dang good after this week. My body just seems happier now that I'm feeding it healthy foods. And I'm eating until I'm not hungry anymore, not until I'm full. There's a big difference, and I need to reteach my body how to recognize it.

Tonight I'm heading out to dinner with my dad and brother for my brother's birthday. I'm going to allow myself to cheat a little. I believe everything is fine in moderation. If I completely cut my favorite foods out of my life, I'll just be miserable and more likely to binge on them. So, I'm going to get the red-skin garlic mashed potatoes (which are my absolute favorite), and the beer battered shrimp and not feel guilty about it afterwards.  I know I'm trying and doing my best and everyone deserves a treat every once in a while. Life is too short to be miserable.

So I guess that's my advice to you (if anyone is in fact reading this.) Don't go overboard. Don't exercise to the point in which you can barely stand afterwards (been there, done that). Allow yourself to cheat at least once a week. Pick one food you absolutely love and allow yourself to indulge; you've earned it, after all. And lastly, modify your favorite foods. Don't cut out your favorite Starbucks drink, get it made with skim milk and sugar-free syrup.Start making your sandwiches on whole wheat bread with mustard instead of mayonnaise. Switch out pop and replace it with unsweetened tea with a slice of lemon.

And remember, if you break down and have a cookie at a friend's house, it's not the end of the world and it's most definitely not an excuse to throw the whole day away and feel shitty about yourself. Everyone has slip-ups; accept them and move on.

You're only human, after all, and humans are far from perfect.

[delicatebunnyxox]

[myjourneytoacceptance]

Yup, I may cry this looks so good.

I'm going to have to start reblogging healthy foods and stop torturing myself.

[myjourneytoacceptance]

So I'm getting up early tomorrow morning to go the gym. Maybe if I post this, I'll actually get out of bed and drag my ass there this time. 

Putting this public commitment theory to the test. 

[shinehonesty-deactivated2014072]

[myjourneytoacceptance]

Learning how to vicariously eat foods through the internet. 

I kid, I kid.

But really, I can look at pictures of food all day long and not gain any weight. And I don't even have to suffer through the wonderful smell of it.

Yes, I just went there. 

[myjourneytoacceptance]

This Is Harder Than I Remember

All I really want right now is a package (or two) of Little Bites chocolate chip muffins.

Instead I'm going home to cook chicken and rice with salsa and do Jillian Michael's Yoga Meltdown DVD with my roomies.

I forgot how much it intitally sucks to stop eating the foods you love.

I've got my meals planned and my exercise classes scheduled. It's about time I kick my fat ass back into shape.

[myjourneytoacceptance]

The journey starts now. I've teamed up with a few friends and we've all decided to live a healthier lifestyle. To really focus on eating better and exercising regularly. And if I get to my goal weight by then end of April, I'm treating myself to a trip to Chicago with my best friend.

This shit will happen. I'm done with beating around the bush and procrastinating. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty darn happy with how I am, but I know I'll be that much happier if I can be a healthier version of myself. 

This time, it's for me.

[myjourneytoacceptance]

i found your blog by chance a few days ago, searching something on tumblr, and i was inspired by your first post and followed you immediately. i relate to you a lot and am so proud of you for going on this journey of self-acceptance. you rock, lady. xoxoxo.

Thanks, girly. You can't even being to understand what that means. :)

[myjourneytoacceptance]

Silent Battle

Misunderstood, she tries to get by.

Smile plastered on her pretty face,

Everything looks fine.

She laughs with her friends,

Nothing seems astray.

Little do they know,

She fights the same battle each day.

  The monster inside threatens to take over,

Dragging her down with no promise of escape.

“I’m fine.” She whispers,

As he laughs at her pain.

  No one can save her from the bully inside,

Those words he whispers at night as she closes her eyes.

There’s no getting better,

There’s no breaking free.

He will win in the end,

It’s destiny, you see.

  She seeks comfort in loneliness,

Befriends misery.

On the outside she looks happy,

While inside she’s weak.

  The monster is winning,

He’s breaking her down.

She cries out in pain

As she crumbles to the ground.

Sobs rack her chest,

There’s no way to escape.

The monster smiles,

As the girl continues to break.

  It’s all an act,

A perfectly played out show.

Everyone fell for it,

No one would ever know.

  Misunderstood, she tried to get by.

Smile plastered on her pretty face,

Everything looked fine.

She laughed with her friends,

Nothing seemed astray.

Little did they know,

She fought the same battle each day.

[myjourneytoacceptance]

And So The Journey Begins

I've never self-harmed or attempted suicide, I've never even really considered it. I come from a middle class family. I have friends. I belong to a sorority. I get decent grades. So I have to ask myself the question: why am I not happy? 

I have more than enough to be happy. People with much less than me manage to be happy. So, why can't I be? 

I'm an expert at putting a smile on my face, no matter what. At making it seem like everything's okay. That every day isn't a struggle. That deep down, I don't hate myself. How I look. Who I am.

I count every calorie I put in my body like it's my religion. Stand in front of a mirror at night and point out every flaw my body possesses. Nothing is ever good enough. I'm never thin enough, pretty enough. There's always someone out there better than me. If I'm being honest, all of my issues stem with my body image. Every. Last. One of them. And the thought makes me sick. 

So I've found my escape. My safeguard, away from all of my real life issues. Tumblr. It's become my alternate reality. Mainly with a certain member of a boyband. Who is this boy? Well, that's irrelevant. We'll call him "Internet Boy." What really matters is that I've become obsessed with him. Not in the creepy "show up at his house and pretend he's my husband" kind of way. More like I've fallen in love with him. Or that is, I've fallen in love with the idea of him.

You see, I've never had a boyfriend. Nineteen years old and I have yet to land one single guy. Sure, I've kissed my fair share of boys, but none of them have meant anything. I've had boys tell me I'm pretty, sexy, beautiful. That's all fine and dandy, but none of them ever want to date me. I'm worth as much as a drunken hook-up and maybe a date and that's it. So that begs the question, what's wrong with me?

Why don't boys like me? Is it because I'm overweight? Because I'm shy? Because of my acne? Because I'm awkward? Because I'm intimidating?

I've come to the conclusion that I'm unlovable. My greatest fear in life is to never marry, to have to live out the rest of my life alone. And I'm terrified it's already coming true.

So that's where the Internet Boy comes in. You see, with Internet Boy, I can't get hurt. He doesn't even know I exist, so how can he let me down? It started out with a little crush on an attractive guy, and blossomed into my being solely focused on him. I've only just come to terms with this fact; admitting that I'm focusing on him because I don't want to put myself out there and focus on boys who don't show the slightest bit of interest in me. I'm trying to protect myself, and potentially causing more harm in the process.

It's pretty ironic that I'm using Tumblr, my means of escape, as my way to learn to accept myself. I need to stop. I need to break away from my fantasy world, and who I am in it, and become who I need to be. 

I have other blogs, but my friends follow me on them. I wanted to remain anonymous. A faceless figure. This is for myself, anyway. And if people are interested? Cool. If not, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm working on healing myself. On learning to love myself and accept who I am. 

I've got a long journey ahead, but I plan to do my very best to become happy. 

It all starts now.