My Life in the Twilight Zone @mylifeinthetwilightzone - Tumblr Blog

Not everyone likes the testicles.

Grandma, frying calamari

#tentacles #calamari #pleasedon'tofferpeopletesticlesatdinner

The important things

Me: I don't really care what people think about how I look.

Mom: Well that's not a nice attitude to have.

#feminism #looksareeverything #thanksmom

End scene.

#okcupid #boyfriend #gummybear #smoothtalker #goodbye #onlinedating

No, and no.

#omg #idontevenrememberwhatappthisis #onlinedating #sos #menareidiots

No.

#okcupid #nope #mynameisno #whatareyoudoing

Looks promising.

#lookspromising #beerlover #craftbeerenthusiast #okcupid

To answer your question, he’s the CEO at his own business.

#ceo #santa #omg #tinder

#okcupid #onlinedating #meangirls #nothankyou #what

“I’m like a present. You get to unwrap me first.”

#i'mlikeapresent #okcupid #onlinedating #idon'twannaunwrapyou

Contributed by my cousin.

#okcupid #onlinedating #thanksforthehonesty

#okcupid #onlinedating #niceopening #sexy

I definitely can’t take credit for the response, that was my friend. But regardless...what.

#okcupid #onlinedating #help #thisisnotadrill

#whatsmyageagain #happybirthday #omg

* Not online dating-related, but still hilarious.

#shirtless #degreesofshirtlessness #drunj

Like to report you bro.

#okcupid #what #gross #whosaysthat #goodtalk

#okcupid #vitaminu #youshouldgetthatcheckedout

Backstory: OkCupid asks you to list six things you couldn't live without, and one of mine was "my contact lenses."

Sam: Hey I'm Sam! Your profile is very interesting to me! One reason is I have a huge attraction to girls who need glasses/contacts to see. I always enjoy, naturally, when girls mention they need glasses/contacts in their profiles. I think it's because girls know most guys view a girl needing contacts as a positive, am I right? I wear contacts myself, I have a -5.50 prescription power. Whats your prescription number for your contacts? What I'm into is nearsighted girls who have strong prescriptions. I'm just not turned on by like -1, and I'm guessing from the way you describe it you're not -1. The main thing for me is it's great for intimate situations to take off the glasses or contacts. It's not possible for me to be turned on unless I'm with a girl who can only see a very short distance without her contacts or glasses. Hope you message back but either way you should know how hot guys think girls with contact lenses are.

Me: Hey Sam! That's super cool to hear that you're turned on by girls who are rendered incapacitated by their extreme nearsightedness! My contact prescription is -8.00 ;)

Sam: -8????!!!! Wow I am truly speechless. That is the sexiest possible prescription!

#goodbye #contacts #okcupid #whatthehell #twilightzone

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