my liberation's here

[mylilcornerofhealing]

I've scrolled down the whole page. Now, from where I am standing, I see my struggle and I see my drive. I see how diligent I have been. For the last two to three years I have been talking about healing. I knew I needed to. It's been so hard to do so all alone. Yet I haven't given up on myself. I am thankful for that. Thankful to all the previous versions of me for not giving up. Because that little hope is bigger now. I started to see it shining within me. I started to reinvent myself. I started to love myself, be more kind to myself. I am grateful for all that. There will be times that I may struggle as well but my perception of life has changed. Now I feel stronger, I trust myself and my intuition more. I am my own savior, I see it clearly now. From August to December, my life surely changed for the better. I think I had some kind of depression before and it is healing as well. It is not my fault that I've been through all this. I am proud that I am getting better.

[mylilcornerofhealing]

November 15

Always turning my face to the light, to the sun when it is rising in the morning and when it is setting at evening, and after sunset I light my candle and watch it at night. I asked myself a couple of times today "why do I have a hope that is so small, why do I have a hope that is this little" and this little hope is hard to maintain shining, so I should protect it at all costs until it is big enough so nothing can blow it out, just like the sun. Then, I won't have to turn my face to the light all day. Because the light will be coming from within.

[mylilcornerofhealing]

November 8, 2023

[mylilcornerofhealing]

3 Nov Friday

A day spent taking care of me, reading before leaving bed and enjoying a sunny morning after last night's rain.

[mylilcornerofhealing]

Oct 31, 2023

A cute day, this term I have started to socialize with people I normally don't. I like them. We hanged on grass and talked today. Now I want to rest after my bath. I'll read a lil, do my anxiety yoga flow from Kassandra, I very much enjoy it, then study. Still I have pain in my body and have flu but I'll get better soon.

#herdiaries

[mylilcornerofhealing]

27.10.2023

Çok şey öğrendim geçen üç yıl boyunca

Acının ortasında acısız olmayı,

Kalbim ucu kararmış bir tahta kaşık gibiydi bayım.

Kendimin ucunu kenar mahallelere taşıdım.

Aşk diyorsunuz ya,

İşte orda durum bayım

Islak unutulmuş bir taş bezi gibi kalakaldım

Kendimin ucunda

Öyle ıslak,

Öyle kötü kokan,

Yırtık ve perişan.

Siz aşkı ne bilirsiniz bayım

Aşkı aşk bilir yalnız!

[mylilcornerofhealing]

15 October, 2023

A day in which I felt so lonely, wandered around Eskişehir, my coffee tasted like mud, finished the day crying under a willow and also cried to these two texts at night.

[mylilcornerofhealing]

October 20, 2023

So many things have happenned this summer, so many have changed after I last posted. I fell in love and then my heart shattered into a thousand pieces. I am healing from that now. Luckily when you're freshly wounded, you forget about the earlier ones.

[mylilcornerofhealing]

12.08.23

Today I took another step on healing. I started physical theraphy. It's a little pricey but it won't be a long journey. I liked my doctor a lot and hope everything will only get better.

[mylilcornerofhealing]

10.07.23

We moved in Samsun and a different life is here for me now. I mostly felt sick and alone here. I've been struggling and in pain for a very long time. Since the earthquake I've been thinking about death more often than before. And the illnesses I have pushing my mind to think about death as well. Also I miss my cat deeply. It's been hard. I hope everything will be good soon. I hope all the emotional and physical burden I have will eventually unburden.

[mylilcornerofhealing]

There has been an earthquake here since yesterday morning. I am speechless. My house, we are leaving it behind. We leave everything behind. Houses, buildings and many more things collapsed everywhere. I am in a school with my mom and brother now waiting for tomorrow to leave this city. It is so sad every minute of us being here alone and scary to not to know what's going to happen next. I miss my home and the times I've spent there with my family. The house that my cat lived his entire life and the house he died. The house in which we lived a small amount of time but contains so many good and bad memories. May Allah help us all.

[mylilcornerofhealing]

14.01.23

An unseasonable day. Very bright and sunny. It was like a day from spring. We did some reading, went to a bookstore and just enjoyed the sun. Except from the distress I feel lately all seems well.

[mylilcornerofhealing]

December

Many days have passed, beautiful, colorful and fun days... but also sad ones in which I occasionally wanted to die. December taught me that I can feel happy again and healing happens in phases which are sometimes fun and sometimes hard to endure.

Still, life goes on no matter how I feel and I am proud of myself for trying to make the most out of it.

[mylilcornerofhealing]

24.10.22

At that cozy cafe again with the same friend. After our class we hanged a bit there. Because it was pretty early in the morning, the place was empty. Then we went to the farmers market together, bought some fresh veggies for the week. I really love how bright they look.

[mylilcornerofhealing]

22.10.22

Went to a little concert, wandered around, visited a bookstore and bought Hayyam's poetry book for a very cheap price and finally set at a cozy cafe. We bounded deeply with this friend of mine this year and I am glad for that.

[mylilcornerofhealing]

13.10.22

After my English Literature class me and my bestie whose major is Psychology decided to grab coffe and chat for a while. Then we went to a friend's (who studies Turkish Literature) Ottoman Language class. I enjoyed every minute of it. It was exciting to see how it is like to be in one of this major's classes.

[mylilcornerofhealing]

12.10.22

It was an early morning class today. Went it an hour early and grabbed a coffee while wandering around in campus with a friend.

P.S.

I hope I don't catch a cold