Here comes the night, once again, I'll be feeling lonely. Oh if only things could work out like you planned. Where can love be? Tell me why it's so hard to find somebody who will stand by me and take the time to understand..and show me love again.
I’ve been struggling with weight gain for years now. I’m 20+kg heavier than my ideal weight. That’s how bad it is. And worse, my work and age make it difficult for me to do some exercise for at least 30mins.
Eleven years ago, I entered law school at the age of 20 (turning 21). I would say it was the peak of my energy, youth, enthusiasm and all that stuff. I would also say I was at my best physical form. Safe to say, gaining weight during law school is the general rule rather than the exception. Few are gifted to have maintained their weight. Until five years ago, my weight plays around 60-65kg.
After that, I started gaining kilos. I attribute the weight gain to the stagnant lifestyle. And recently, my laziness. Until people started noticing how much I’ve gotten bigger. It bothered me but I was in denial. I though that’s just one inch added to the waist whenever I buy pants. But another inch was added, and another. And before I knew it I had to buy at the plus size section because nothing fits me anymore at the regular sizes section.
I started hating taking pictures of myself. I started becoming insecure (only as to physical though) because I was not comfortable with myself. I did not want to see my relatives anymore because of the endless criticism about my weight. My weight changed my life negatively. I just did not want to admit it.
Last year, we began prepping for my sister’s December wedding. I had my measurements taken around August. Come October, the gown won’t zip anymore. I knew there was a mistake in the measurement but I also knew it was because I gained a lot of weight. I was scared to admit it. So I went to another designer. But a body like this can’t really be hidden under a pink gown. Just as expected, I looked extra big in my gown. The hairstyle did not help either. Until now, I couldn’t look at the photos because in the few photos I’ve earlier seen, I could not even recognize myself anymore.
I am scared. I’ve never been at this weight. I don’t know how to lose it. But I want to lose it. My parents wont stop nagging at me to exercise. I understand their concern, they want me to be healthy. I’ve been ignoring their call for a long time. It’s about time I listen to them.
I wanna wear many nice clothes. I wanna feel healthy again. I wanna be healthy again. The journey won’t be easy. The losing of weight won’t be quick. But I wanna do it while I can. I have to do this for myself...and my parents so that they won’t have anything to worry about me. I think, they are pretty much ok with anything I do and they know I can survive whatever..except that they are worried about my health. At this age, they should not worry anymore.
So now, as I welcome the Ber-months, I also welcome the change in my lifestyle. I won’t stop until I get back to my ideal weight. I can’t wait to meet my old self again. I can’t wait to live the way I want to again. I can’t wait to take pictures of myself again.
Dear me, I am about to give you the best gift to yourself. Please, bear with the pain, with the hardship, with the sacrifices you have to make. Trust me, the journey will all be worth it. When you begin losing motivation, always remember the reason why you decided to embark on this journey. Have a little faith in yourself.
Work got the best of me. And maybe, laziness, too.
It’s been more than a year since I last wrote. I feel bad that I dont get to update this tumblr as much as I want to. I honestly didn’t expect to be soooo busy with my work. Anyway, I finally decided to write again, not because I have no work to do..but because thinking of working on a weekend AGAIN is already stressing me out.
So I was a lil emo last time regarding my practice of the law. I was on my first year and the adjustment period did not come easy. I was pushed into a world I thought I know but I really had no idea about. The first year was challenging, to say the least. I cried. I felt bad. I got upset. But I went on. I did not want failures to stop me from learning, from pursuing something I did not even imagine myself to get into-litigation. As days went by, I slowly got used to appearing in court, talking before the judge, making manifestations and motions. There were moments when I was in court when I thought to myself, I really like doing this. No, make that “I love doing this!” Stressful, yes. But what is stress when you get to do something you love doing..and earn money for it!
I’ve always been reluctant to practice in litigation because I don’t know if I can do what many great lawyers can do. I thought, who am I? I barely passed my subjects, I’m a little slow in my readings, I get nervous easily, I don’t know the objections and stuff. Unfortunately, I have certain issues with my confidence. But my father pushed me to do it and I am glad he did. Though I can see myself trying other stuff, litigation is something I can see myself doing until I am old.
After the adjustment period, I felt that things started falling into place eventually. Before the year 2016 ended, I received an Order from the Court of Appeals ruling in favor of my clients--bigtime clients I must say. It was my first win and I want to win some more. I have clients who are really worth fighting for and I want them to win.
But you don’t get to win all the time. Take for instance, my boss. He ran for a public office, he was the most popular candidate, anyone can say he will win. But he didn’t. We went against money and at the end of the day, people would choose money over someone who has genuine concern for them. I thought we fought a good fight and there’s nothing to be ashamed for choosing the clean fight. I was devastated and very much disappointed. Politics is disgusting. I won’t dwell into it any further and I hope that is the last time I get involved in politics. After a while, I kind of made a small talk with my boss about me leaving him because I wanted to pursue a private practice. He told me to think about it.
As I was thinking,days went by and I realized I could manage attending to my cases, my retainer, and my boss (which inlcudes the company he is running). I got my office in July and still keeps it today.
One thing that I really hate that happened to me is that I gained so much weight. It’s a struggle to lose weight. The worst part is that I do not have the discipline so that explains a lot. And right now, I’m having midnight snack. -_-
Blame the midnight-snacking on Korean shows. They make me hungry in the middle of the night! Speaking of Korean, I finally get to see Korea..and during the autumn season nonetheless!!!! My god, what a beauty. I would certainly go back during that time. The weather and climate were perfect too. I experienced a negative 0 on my last day, and 4 degrees on my last night in Seoul. Ah, I could live there. I’m going back in Seoul in July because I looove it there. I promise to see all four seasons of Korea.
Hmmm what else? That’s it for now. I have a feeling it would take a long time again before I could write. Spirit of laziness, get out of my bodeh! I will talk about my lovelife..or the lack of it next time. Heh!
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