It's been 7.5 years in my relationship. Not much talk about rings, marriage, future plans, or any of it. Quite honestly, the more as time has passed I have felt more and more disconnected and hurt, which sucks. I'm not a perfect person by any means and I've had my fair share of wrong-doings and not being the absolute best person I can be. But I feel like, it genuinely hurts my heart there's never been a moment in time looking at me saying "Yep. She's the one. 1000 percent" and that just really puts me in a deeper darker level.
After my work week, hanging out another week at home, my boyfriend says "I got a bone to pick with you." And I said "Yeah?!? About what." He said "why you deleting notes that we share?!?" And I automatically knew EXACTLY which one he was talking about and I said "which note are you talking about?!?" And he said "you know exactly what note I'm talking about." I played it off and said "well,didn't seem like it was purposeful." And went off about my day. The next day he said "so when you gonna share that note?!" And I said "things have changed. I have to see stuff in person." And we go on about our day. The THIRD DAY COMES, and he says "what do you wanna do today?!" I said "I don't know, what do you want to do?!" He says "get ready and let's go hit up a couple stores..." I said "okay." Thinking NOTHING about it. I'm sick. Not feeling well. And we just found water leaking through our roof. So we are heading down a specific road we don't hardly EVER take and i ask "why are we going to Lowe's?!?" And he just laughed. He thought I was being a straight smartass but in reality, I was dead serious. He says "we are not going to Lowe's." So we get a little further down the road about 20 mins and I say, "okay, what are we getting at the mall?!?" He laughs again. Gets really quiet and then pulls up into a jewelry stores parking lot. Im immediately FLOORED. Like what the actual fuck is happening right now? Is this real life?! What is going on?!? He said "well, you said you would need to see things in person, so here we are." And that changed everything for me. Looking at all these rings, I felt unprepared. I felt like everything.... I mean EVERYTHING was a blur. I kind of knew what I wanted but then the other part of me branched out into stuff completely different. All I could say for the afternoon was "that's wild." That it. Now I don't know what to think, where I stand, I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm overwhelmed. That was my first time ever stepping foot in a jewelry store (ONE) and (TWO) first time ever going with a guy to a jewelry store looking for a RING and THREE ever trying on jewelry. I felt very pressured to make a decision but I did not have a decision in me within 24 hours. There's so much that goes into a ring and a decision like that. In the back of my head I'm thinking "small jeweler, I'd rather support" but the warranty and the offer this bigger company has is hard to beat. My boyfriend says "which one do you like more!?" And I couldn't give him an answer so he said let's go inside again (this is the next day/day 4) and let's look at the rings again and kind of put them side by side to compare. I went in fully knowing I've always loved an oval but I had taken a picture of a pear diamond that I kept going back to. I tried it on again today, and I'm just OBSESSED. Like I absolutely love it. But it throws me off because it's not like anything I've ever imagined before. I NEVER would have thought to even LIKE something like that let alone LOVE. 😅😭 now I feel so guilty though because I feel like I'm now just overwhelmed with the thought and the idea of that and everything else that comes along with marriage and it actually scares the fuck out of me and with the conditions my relationship has been though, I absolutely love this guy but my fucking god idk what to think. We have been though a lot and my heart has been through a lot and I just don't know. My heart is broken.
amandla
turnnoffyourmind
romaincrisis
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
