can we all just pretend this atually happened
WE CAN PRETEND, BUT IT’S BULLSHIT, EVERYTHING IS BULLSHIT.
OH MY GOD. WHOEVER DID THIS: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
That’s how that scene went and no one can convince me otherwise.
Has anybody transformed this into a lovely little fanfic yet?
‘I’ve got no other reason to stay. Have I?’
‘You have me, Finn.’
‘Do I, Rae? Cos one minute we’re together and then the next we’ve just gotta be friends. Which you do I have?’
‘Me. The me you’ve always had,’ she says quietly, on the edge of tears. What does he mean? She’s not some two-faced bitch. She had valid reasons for breaking up with him.
‘Who is that? What is that- is that the Rae who had a list of things she hated about me? The one who wants to hang out and listen to music? Or the one who bailed on Knebworth?’ Rae’s mouth drops open as Finn rants, shocked at the genuine confusion and distress she’s seeing. ‘How about the one who kicked my arse at bowling and made me want to do things to her you can’t do in a public bowling alley?’
A shiver runs down Rae’s spine. Finn stares at her with a heaving chest and the look in his eyes is so intense she might as well be naked. He takes a deep breath and then carries on.
‘The one who wants to kiss me and touch me or the one who doesn’t want me anywhere near her? Who, Rae?’ he demands.
Rae stares at him. Was she all those people? It’s deathly silent now when it had been so loud with Finn nearly shouting. It’s dark in her room and she wishes she could just slink back into the shadows if this is who he thinks she is.
‘I’m not, Chloe! I’m not some bitch who’s trying to mess you around!’ she says and the look Finn gives her says she clearly has messed him around. But that wasn’t her intention. ‘Alright, I messed up,’ she says her voice on the edge of tears. ‘But either I hated you or I loved you – there’s been no in between. It’s always been all or nothing with you.’
Finn’s breath has evened out but he still looks unsure.
‘Well what were that this past few weeks then?’ he asks, quiet again, his voice thick but with an edge to it. She’s not sure if it’s from anger or hurt. ‘How do you explain us just being friends?’
‘Because I’ve never wanted to just be your friend. Not in the cupboard. Not when I was standing at your door that night!’ her throat is raw with unshed tears, ‘I’ve always wanted more but what I want and what you deserve are two different things.’
‘How’d you know that? Do you still not get that what I want is my choice?’
‘But you don’t know what you want - you don’t want me!’
Oh god, she’s so sick of this. Can’t he see that she did the right thing? Can’t he leave it alone?
‘Why not?’
‘Because I’m bad,’ she says, unable to look at him now. Angry he won’t leave it.
‘Bad. Bad at what?’ he asks with real confusion.
‘No. I’m bad. I’m horrible. I hurt people. I let people down. People get hurt around me.’
There’s a moment of silence.
‘You broke up with me because you didn’t want to hurt me?’
‘Yes!’ she says, tears starting to fall with the relief that he gets it.
‘And you don’t think it did?’ he says.
She looks at him now, her mouth working for a response. Her eyes implore with him, ‘No – no, you know it would’ve hurt more if I’d let it continue. I had to do it before you got in too deep.’
His chest lifts with a puff of silent laughter. He shakes his head. It looks as if it physically pains him to open his mouth but he does it anyway so he can tell her; ‘I’m drowning in you, Rae.’
Her heart drops out of her chest. Oh fuck, he’s going to be the death of her. He continues to shake his head. ‘I’m gonna need some kind of lifebelt here or…’ he trails off, gesturing helplessly into the air.
‘Gills?’ she says with a shakey voice.
And he looks at her with a surprised smile – his forehead crinkling in that way he does when he’s amused. She gives him a trembling smile back, still hugging herself tight because she feels she might explode from all this tension, all this sadness, all this hope.
Finn sets down his mug. He moves a little bit closer. Close enough to lean over and start writing on her leg. She’s sure she doesn’t mistake the slight tremble to his hand.
S-H-A-L-L_W-E_C-O-N-T-I-N-U-E? he asks.
‘Yeah,’ she says with a smile and a breathy laugh.
‘Then come here,’ he says, pulling her towards him for a kiss and she remembers what it is to have his lips again. She’d thought herself weak for needing him so much but she doesn’t rightly care, not when it seems he needs her too.
A voice tells her she’ll hurt him all the same. Nothing has changed. Not really. But she pushes it away until he pulls away and then it seems to erupt out of her. Weeks of held back tears and guilt and frustration and fear over Tix. Fear that she killed Tix. That Tix died because she wanted to go to a party. Because she cared more about getting off her head and forgetting the world with Finn than she did sharing an evening with one her closest friends.
Who needed her.
Tix had needed her and she’d let her down.
‘Hey, hey, what’s wrong?’ Finn says trying to calm down a sobbing Rae. He holds her face in his hands trying to get her to look at him. ‘Breathe, Rae. Yeah? You haven’t changed your mind have ya?’ he tries, a weak attempt at a joke.
‘Tix,’ she says on a sob. ‘I hurt Tix and it’s all my fault, Finn.’
'Tix, who’s Tix?’
'She was my friend, my best friend and I - she died. We were raving and her heart was failing and -’ Rae breaks off unable to continue.
'Rae, I’m so sorry,’ he says pulling into his arms. 'You should have told me.’
‘I didn’t know how. I didn’t - I didn’t know how to deal with it and I didn’t like myself enough to think you’d care.’
'Of course, I’d care! I do care.’
He rests his forehead against hers.
'Just tell me stuff. Okay? You just gotta tell me stuff when it’s not okay.’
She sniffs loudly. 'Okay.’
There’s a few moments of silence where all that fills the room is the sound of them breathing in tandem.
'Are you gonna go to Leeds?’ she asks.
'You really are mad, you, aren’t ya? Course I’m not going to sodding Leeds.’
She breathes in strongly. Breathes him in.
'Good,’ she declares but then she starts tearing up again. She closes her eyes to try and fight them back. 'Please don’t leave me, Finn’ she whispers.
‘I won’t,’ he says, ‘I won’t, I won’t, I won’t,’ he repeats as he holds her close. Until she falls asleep. Until she believes him. Until they’re just two dickheads who love each other.
(Sorry there’s probably already something out there but I got inspired and this happened.
Not even sure this is what I wanted to go down but its what came out of my brain.)
