My Mind's Playing Tricks

Rants, Raves and Ramblings on sports, pop culture and other things that make me believe that...My Mind's Playing Tricks on Me.

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An Open Letter from The Fedora

Dear Douchebag/Female Swamp Donkey,

As I sit here soaked in spray-on tan sweat and cheap booze I ask you, why did you do this to me? What did I do to deserve such a fall from grace?

I've lived a long, happy and respected life until now.  I've been around long before you purchased me at that Lidz store in some New Jersey mall and I will be around long after your tan fades, your roids wear off and your botox needs refilling. 

I used to actually be cool.  People looked at me with admiration.  I'm not talking about what YOU think is cool.  I'm not talking about hiding your receding hairline while you use me to accessorize your Ed Hardy shirt and drink bottle service you can't afford with women who don't really like you. I'm talking about classic cool.  Indiana Jones wore one of my ancestors.  My great grandfather was tossed, flipped and theatrically placed by Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, during his biggest moments.  I come from a lineage of greatness.  The blantant disrespect I am getting from you is mind boggling.

How dare you pick me up and put me on your head?  You wearing me is the equivalent of pedophile moving into the neighborhood.  My value immediately plummets.  In my early years my sheer presence used to be a sign of elegance and grace (and no those are not the names of the two strippers who were wearing me at the beach yesterday).  Gene Kelly wore a relative of mine in "Singing In The Rain" while Humphry Bogart made me famous in "Casablanca".  Do you even know what that is? And don't tell me you don't speak Spanish. 

Do you think when Tom Landry wore me on the Dallas Cowboy's sideline that he wanted to wear the same headware as a bachelorette party in Scottsdale?  I think not.  I didn't see him drinking out of any penis- shaped straws.  I was a part of America's team and now I'm showing up at Dairy Queen?  The Vegas scene I remember was Sinatra and The Rat Pack.  Now you people think it's ok to put me on every girl pool side with tattoo on her back?  Well it's not. 

From here on out, I beg you.  I plead with you.  If you see me in a store, a mall or anywhere else, resist the urge to buy me and wear me.  Put me down, let me rest in peace.  You've already taken my dignity.  Go back to wearing Von Dutch, they need the business.

Sincerely,

The Fedora

[mymindsplayingtricks-blog]

Lies, Damn Lies, and Record Breaking Statistics

Posted By EC

Tie a ribbon ‘round the old oak tree! After 8 years, the US Government finally got its man. “Holy shit! We got Osama?!?!” you ask? Settle down, person with your priorities in order. This is baseball we’re talking about! Barry Bonds, the scourge of baseball, responsible for a thousand 9/11s worth of crimes against baseball and therefore America, has finally been convicted of obstruction of justice in the 2003 BALCO case. Hooray! Baseball is saved! Now the children only have unimpeachable role models which to look up to! Thanks for focusing on our priorities US government!

As a Giants fan myself, I watched and cheered as many of those baseballs left Pac Bell/SBC/ AT&T park courtesy of Mr. Bonds’ constantly expanding arms and dome. Was I wrong? Fuck no. Baseball was fun back then. Was it a cartoon or a real life simulation of Nintendo’s Baseball Stars? Yes. Was that awesome? Yessir.

Some will say that the government’s prosecution of Bonds is a failure because they failed to get a guilty verdict on the 3 perjury counts, especially in light of the amount of time (8 years) and money (estimates have it in the tens of millions of dollars) spent on this case to essentially find out if a guy lied about cheating to hit a ball over a fence more times than another guy. I say that’s not the case. This is the same government that builds bridges to nowhere, takes months to balance budgets, oh, and Osama is still on the loose. Wasting time and money ain’t nothing new to our government.

If we’ve learned anything from this show trial, it’s that no matter what, you cannot lie to the government, EVER. They take that shit real personally. They could give a fuck about the people responsible for your underwater mortgage and plundered 401(k), but lie to them about something you did, about something doesn’t really matter, that happened almost a decade ago?

You sir, are fucked.

[mymindsplayingtricks-blog]

Hey! We Want Some...Poooolitics?!

Yeah, that's not the "P" word I thought of either when I think of Too Live Crew, but guess what? Luther Campbell wants to be the next Mayor of Miami.  And yes, that's him in the picture above with some of his constituents.  I don't know about you, but if Uncle Luke becomes mayor of Miami, I'm flying in for the inauguration.  That will be the best party EVER.

Uncle Luke wants to see transparency in local politics and feels as though too much happens behind closed doors. He even proposes that every day be a "reality show".  I for one, believe him.  Uncle Luke has never been one to do things behind closed doors. In fact, during one of his Too Live Crew concerts he even let the entire crowd watch him get a blowjob.  Now THAT's transparency.

This is a man who is not afraid to take a stance that might even affect his own wallet. One of the biggest platforms is a "Stripper Tax" imposed upon all purveyors of strip clubs in the greater Miami area.  Based on his lifestyle, Uncle Luke would be hit the hardest of anyone, but he's out for the greater good.

Do you want to be a part of history?  Do you want Luther Campbell running Miami? I do. 

To support Uncle Luke, go to www.Luke4Mayor.com and make a donation.  I did.

[mymindsplayingtricks-blog]

A Tradition...Unlike Any Other

They say The Masters is a "tradition unlike any other"...and I have to agree because I can't think of another tradition that I could care about any less.   

I say this knowing full well that I may be struck by lightning by whatever higher power the entire golf world worships on this first weekend in April every year, but I'm willing to take my chances.  

Every year I watch grown men that I otherwise respect, glue themselves to televisions for an entire weekend trying to predict a winner like a bunch of sorority girls watching the Oscars.  And that's not to insult the Oscars.  Winning an Oscar means you've reached a summit.  It is the ultimate award much like winning the Super Bowl, World Series, NBA Championship or beating Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson's Punchout (don't act like you didn't want to pop champagne when you figured out how to do that).

Winning The Masters doesn't do anything more for a golfer than if he wins the British Open, PGA Championship, or the US Open.  There are four championships in golf and this is just one of them.  Well, sort of.  

What makes The Masters different? Let's break it down.

Location

The Masters is the only Major tournament to be played in the same place every year, Augusta National, which resides in Augusta, GA.  For those of you who have not been there it is as if someone dropped a regal country club right in the middle of downtown Newark, NJ.  People who've never been call NJ the "armpit of America".  If that's true, Augusta is definitely America's anus.  If you didn't know exactly where you are going, you'd definitely think someone pulled a joke on you and sent you to the wrong town.

Tradition

Every TV commercial leading up to The Masters boasts a tremendous and historic tradition.  This is completely accurate, there is a tremendous tradition, like the first 67 years in existence (until 1990), there were no non-white or female members.  Not even the hometown hero James Brown (yup he's from Augusta) is a member.  Not sure I'm gonna hear Jim Nantz discussing that one at Amen corner.   Check out the video...the only non-white guys I saw on the course were the maintenance guys.  i wish I could have seen the look on Board of Directors at Augusta National when Tiger Woods won the thing.  Now THAT would have been priceless.

Prize

What do you get if you win The Masters?  Not much different from other majors other than a green jacket and an invite to come back and play again.  Win the Masters and you now share fashion with The Lucky Charms Leprechaun and The Notre Dame mascot.  Seems less than magical to me.

  Announcers

Don't get me wrong, I think Jim Nantz has the voice of an angel and If I could afford it, I would have he and Vin Scully alternate reading me bedtime stories as I drift off to sleep every night, but that still does not excuse the madness behind people's affinity for The Masters.  God forbid Gus Johnson were allowed to do The Masters...would they let him on the course?  

Let's get this weekend over with so we can go back to caring about things that matter, like the WNBA.

[mymindsplayingtricks-blog]

What does that Tattoo mean?

It's Wednesday and I am left alone with my own thoughts.  For those who know me, you know how dangerous that can be.  As my brain wandered through the aisles of CostCo, an attractive woman walked right past me, brushed her hair back and revealed...you guessed it...a tattoo on the back of her neck.  Stop it. I'm giving you way too much credit. You didn't guess that.

This location has always confused me (not CostCo, the tattoo; stay with me).  I'd like to think I can at least make an intelligent hypothesis as to why people get tattoos, but I drew a blank.  Was it a Chinese character meant to translate into "strength" (but literal translation means"easy")?  What was it? I missed it.  It was gone.  If I could barely see it, even if right next to her, what was the point? Unless she has a 360 degree mirror in her room (and if she does, I'd like to be invited over) I know even SHE couldn't see it.  I truly don't know why anyone would get a tattoo of something that no one, including the wearer, could ever see.

With that in mind, I've come up with a brief guide of the tatts I DO know, for those of you who wonder "what does that tattoo mean?"  I'm sure I will offend some people but like I said before, if you know me, this won't be the first or last time.  

Small of the Back (Female) - Known to many as the "tramp stamp" or "the target", many women claim this ink was from a time in their life where they wanted to be "expressive"...and by "expressive" she really means "express my love for men". Many men.  Men view these tatts as directional categorization, much like the Dewey Decimal system aids librarians.  Wondering what those categories are? They are..."likely to sleep with me", "very likely to sleep with me" and "likely to have hepatitis". 

Small of the Back (Male) - If you see a guy with a tatt on his lower back, he likes other guys.  There is nothing wrong with that, it's just simple life fact.  The sun will rise and that dude likes dudes.  If he insists he doesn't, tells a story of the meaning behind the ink, or says he was drunk when he got it, he's now lied to two people.  You and himself.

Barbed Wire Bicep  (Male) - This guy loved the 90's.  He probably loved the Bash Brothers and did tons of curls. He might have even cycled in a few rounds of 'roids. He got the barbed wire around his bicep so that everyone would know to "stay back", and clearly so he could keep these "weapons of mass destruction" safe from the world.  

Notice how all of these are past tense?  Nowadays this guy is playing competitive men's league softball (I know this because I'm out there playing against him) and trying to recapture the perceived awesomeness of his youth.  His testicles are the size of snow peas, but he still has that sick lifted Ford F150 with the Fox Racing sticker on it.   

Barbed Wire Bicep (Female) - This woman loved the 90's.  She loved smoking cigarettes, drinking Budweiser (who didn't love Spuds Mackensie?) and of course hanging out with Barbed Wire Bicep guy.  She likely had huge fake breasts, bleach blonde hair and a love for acrylic nails with french tips.  You could sleep with this woman with one of two phrases:  "Wow, you know who you remind me of? You really look just like Pamela Anderson" or "I've got a sick lifted pickup truck with a Fox Racing sticker". Ironically this also worked on the real Pamela Anderson.

Ankle (Female) - Reading this girl is a tricky one. Is she proud of the ink? Does she display it often?  If so, this is likely not her first rodeo (or tattoo) and this is one of many.

On to the next girl.  Study this next specimen carefully.  Does she hide it and sometimes you catch a glimpse of the tatt?  Is it a butterfly, dolphin, or other friendly animal?  Maybe a zodiac symbol?  While you shake your head yes to the last three questions, we're gonna go ahead and assume she didn't murder all those people in San Francisco.  This girl got this ink at age 18 or younger likely on a spring break trip to Cancun.  Check her high school friends out and they all likely have one too.  It seemed like an incredible idea at the time to commemorate "the best spring break ever" with her "best friends ever" while drowing themselves in tequila and college guys.  When she sobered up and headed home, she realized Mom and Dad wouldn't share the same affinity for Flipper so she had to wear jeans and sneakers and sweat it out all summer.

Eventually Mom and Dad found out, there was some yelling with the words "unladylike" and "responsibility" thrown around, and her self esteem fell through the floor.  Fast forward to adulthood and while she does everything she can to hide her Gemini sign from the other soccer moms, when the mood strikes, she presses down the peddle on her Toyota Siena, and remembers that night in Cancun where it was the "best spring break ever".

Ankle (Male) - C'mon. See "Small of the Back (Male)".    

Face Tatt (Male/Female) - You just met Mike Tyson or Gucci Mane, so that's pretty cool I guess.

[mymindsplayingtricks-blog]

Will Ferrell's Truman Show Moment?

If I were to tell you that Will Ferrell was in a movie with Biggie's son, you'd probably start laughing right away without even knowing the premise.  But wait... watch this trailer.  Ferrell looks to play a decidedly serious role. 

Jim Carrey crossed over from slapstick comedy when he did The Truman Show and it looks like Will Ferrell is doing the same.  This could be a great flick...stay tuned.

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Jamba Juice & eBay? Don't Drunk Dial. Don't Do it.

[mymindsplayingtricks-blog]

Opening Day - Everybody wins

No matter what team your root for, if you like baseball or you just like going to the games, today is a good day.

Here in SF, it's 75 degrees, but no matter where you are, if you watch and listen to these two videos, you can feel like you are at the ballpark enjoying a cold one no matter where you are.

Talkin' Baseball (Willie, Mickey, and the Duke) @ Yahoo! Video

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Ashkon is on his 16th minute of Fame

If any of you were in or around San Francisco last year when the Giants went on an improbable run to win the World Series, you heard Journey's Don't Stop Believin' on repeat (and somehow it didn't get old and I'm even a Dodger fan). 

Amidst all the Fear the Beard t-shirts a guy named Ashkon re-mixed and re-lyric'd (yes I just made up a word) the ballad in such a way that it became the anthem of the 2010 San Francisco Giants.  Fans LOVED it.  It played in every bar and club across the city, the Giants went on to win the World Series and Ashkon was invited to join the victory the parade.  It didn't stop there.  Overnight, Ashkon had become somewhat of a local celebrity with his name linked to charity events and performances around the Bay Area.  All was good, the season was over and he'd written himself into Giants history.  Lightning had literally been caught in a bottle.

Fast Forward to March 25, Giants spring training, where not-so-innocent bystander Buster Posey (can barely keep a straight face) is playing a game of Spades in the locker room with a teammate.  In comes Ashkon.  He sets up a boom box, turns it on and proceeds to introduce a "new Giants rap" while he is virtually ignored.  Aubrey Huff (clearly the ring leader) is definitely in on the joke.  In the background you can see #43 (Alex Hinshaw) look over in full confusion.

The one guy who is clearly not in on the joke? Ashkon. 

[mymindsplayingtricks-blog]

Customer Service - 1970's Style

In today's world, customer service is about as important as anything to any company's success.  Consumer rights have reached an all time high, with companies uber sensitive to customer happiness.  The expectation now is that people not only want resolution, but compensation for even the smallest transgression.  In short, we live in a consumer driven world.  

On the other side of the fence if you have ever worked in a customer facing role (or you do now), you know there are times when the old adage "the customer is always right" makes you want to punch a hole though the nearest wall or tell them simply to "Go F*** Yourself", but you can't because a bad experience can lead a person to blog, review, Tweet or Facebook their complaint, spreading it to the masses in mere seconds. 

Frivolous complaints are nothing new, check out this letter written by Dale O. Cox (great name) who worries about the health and safety risks of paper airplanes being thrown at Cleveland Browns games circa 1974.

If this letter was written in today's world, Dale would have probably gotten a free Brown's hat and an apology.  But it was written in 1974.  No internet, no mass communication systems and frankly, little or no recourse. 

Dale did in fact get a response from the Browns General Counsel, James Bailey and it even had Browns owner Art Modell on the cc. Enjoy.

[mymindsplayingtricks-blog]

SF Needs to be More Naughty By Nature

Picture this. 

You score great tickets to see a Grammy Award winning act on the anniversary of their 20th year in existence.  This same act has two Platinum records and two Gold records with seven top 5 hit singles under their belt.  Many of their songs are still remixed and played by DJ's all over the country.  Oh yeah, and those tickets are to an intimate venue that holds 450 people.  You'd be pretty excited right? 

Now picture March 24, 2011 in San Francisco at Yoshi's where roughly 300 people showed up to watch Naughty By Nature perform live.  Please let that register in your brain.  Naughty By Nature.  The guys behind O.P.P. and Hip Hop Hooray.  300 people.  The venue didn't even sell out.   Now you're probably thinking, wow, these tickets must have been expensive! Nope.  $38. 

Walking into the venue, I should have known something was amiss.  Jazz music played from the DJ booth and most of the crowd looked like they had bought tickets to see  Michael Buble (yes, he's wonderful, but that's not the point here).  To my right, was a group of guys who looked liked they had just stumbled off the 18th green of Bushwood Country Club. 

Note:  There were definitely some diehards at this show and they made the show  that much better.

Enter Naughty By Nature.  Before they took the stage, DJ Kay Gee had to beg the crowd to come onto the dance floor to welcome these guys in. These guys are professionals, they tried every trick in the book.  They even resorted to playing Don't Stop Believing to try to give the crowd a song they might know and like.  And it worked.  Eventually the crowd warmed up and Naughty By Nature crushed it. They belted out hit after hit and if you just closed your eyes and listened, or focused only on the stage, you would think they were playing in front of a sold out Madison Square Garden.  When the show ended, did they rush off the stage and go to the hotel? Nope. They stayed and took pictures with all their fans.  And TRUST me, they had good reason to get off that stage.  One woman latched onto Treach for an entire song, literally gripping his penis like a subway pole during a rough ride.  For all that, I have the utmost respect for Treach, Vin Rock and Kay Gee. 

Granted, I am from NJ (where Naughty By Nature is from), grew up on these guys, and love their music, but I have to believe there are more than 299 other people in this city like me.  Who's to blame? I hate to say it, but the local promoter.  No one knew these guys were coming.  Every friend I talked to (minus one who knows who he is) was jealous that I was able to get to go to this show and didn't even know it was happening.  I had people tell me they would have flown up from LA for this.  These guys DO NOT lack popularity.

We need more acts like these guys to want to come to San Francisco.  San Francisco has a pretty cool musical history, but right now, the younger Bay Area music scene seems dominated by Indie Rock (a general term, I know) and DJ's. It pains me to see that someone like Girl Talk (who samples Naughty By Nature tracks) would get more pub and be a bigger draw than the original artist themselves.  We can't lose sight of the amazing hip hop and rap acts that are still out there right in front of us.

[mymindsplayingtricks-blog]

What Not To Do at a Wedding

Spring has sprung and that means that wedding invitations are soon going to be arriving in your mailbox (assuming you have friends).  It's always exciting to learn that your friends value your relationship (more likely your penchant for gift giving) and want to share this special day with you.

After attending several weddings and either being "That Guy" or watching him in action, I consider myself an expert on what NOT to do at a wedding.  Don't fool yourself, I don't need to explain who "That Guy" is, and if I do, you ARE "That Guy".

Below are five steadfast rules to make sure you don't become the story on someone else's wedding day.

Rule #1 - Sit Down & Shut Up

This rule only really applies to the ceremony, but for some of you it definitely needs to be pointed out.  Don't whisper to your buddy about how hot the bridesmaids are.  You have probably already started drinking (who doesn't before the ceremony?), so don't underestimate your ability to underestimate the volume of your voice.    Don't comment on the religiousness of the ceremony, complain about the length of the ceremony or even say a word.  While we're at it, don't cry either.  Girls may want a sensitive man, but they don't want a pussy.  If you cry at the ceremony, most of the women at the reception will be questioning your sexuality rather discussing which one gets to talk to you first.

Rule #2 -Check Yourself, Before You Wreck Yourself & Find Yourself, by Yourself. 

Who knew Grandmaster Flash was talking about wedding etiquette?  The grand one dispenses sage advise.  Don't drink too much too soon.  Know your limits, avoid the early rounds of shots, and whatever you do, never lose control.  Drink water, it will help you as the night goes on.   The odds are strong that if you don't do this you will end up alone, or even worse, on the floor of a bathroom stall before they even start playing the Electric Slide.  

How to know if you are drinking too much?  Look around you.  If you cannot spot the drunkest guy at your table, guess what? It's you.

Rule #3 - Don't Toast or Roast.

If you were asked to give a toast prior to the wedding, please pay special attention to rule #2.  If you do get the microphone, do not roast or make fun of anyone.  Odds are you will insult someone, most likely that hot bridesmaid that you've been eyeing.  No one wants to hear the story about how you knew the bride was "the one" because the groom turned down a blowjob from a stripper. Keep it short, have a point and move on.  "Longest Toast" is not a trophy you want on your mantle.  

If you weren't asked, never, ever give an impromptu toast.  I don't care if you are caught up in the moment and just need to express your feelings (trust me, you're just too drunk), or you want to impress a young lady at your table (I'm telling you, you're drunk, stop it), or you want to re-do the wedding scene in Old School (hopefully someone has asked you to leave by now), just don't do it.  Vince Vaughn may be right, and true love may be blind, but everyone at the reception will see clearly how much of a jackass you are.

Rule #4 - Leave the tricky dance moves to Usher and Timberlake.

I know.  Your friends tell you that you do an incredible robot and everyone is dying to see it.  Don't give in to temptation.  It's not as good as you think, especially if you haven't been adhering to rule #2.  

Don't ever be the center of the dance circle, don't use your tie as a headband and if you're smart, do your best to get someone else to do those things.  It's a win/win really.  It takes THAT guy out of the game (unless of course he is JT and at that point, who cares? Just be pumped that Timberlake is at the wedding), and keeps your dignity in tact.

Rule #5 - Unless you are the Bride and Groom, PDA is not Okay, Ok?  

If you are lucky enough to have made it this far, don't ruin it now.  You've held it together even after you and that cute bridesmaid shared a moment during Clapton's Wonderful Tonight (hey, its my post and I will choose the fictitious song).  Whatever you do, do not go in for the kiss on the dance floor.  You're drunk (have I made that clear yet?) and you'll probably use way more tongue than you should.  It is highly likely that you have now been at least noticed, so keep cool.  

Any fun wedding will have an after party and once the reception ends your obligation to remain an upstanding citizen expires.  At that point there is only one rule...he who hesitates...

[mymindsplayingtricks-blog]

Wonderlic My Balls

Written by EC

Every year around NFL draft time we break down 40 times, bench press reps, vertical leaps and 3 cone drill times. (In case you were wondering, researchers have yet to find where the 3 cone drill translates to actual "on the field" football movement).

The other thing that usually receives some mention in cute human interest stories is the Wonderlic test score.  And by cute human interest stories, I mean as a space filler to talk about why a player shouldn’t be drafted as high as Mel Kiper or Todd McShay says, or to talk about how "brilliant" a player is. It’s a 12 minute, 50 question test to gauge intelligence and is given during the combine, usually after the player has done the workouts and interviews with team personnel. It is usually never noteworthy unless someone gets a really high score, like Pat McInally from Harvard, who scored a perfect 50 on the test, or a really low score, like former Titans quarterback Vince Young, who scored a 6 on the test. (That 6 Wonderlic score hurt Vince Young so much that he was only drafted third overall by the Titans in the 2006 NFL draft.)

This year’s story on low Wonderlic scores comes to us via YahooSports (see link).

http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=pfw-20110317_low_wonderlic_scores_ding_elite_nfl_prospects

While these scores don’t in any way project how good of an NFL player someone will be, (do you still have your Pat McInally rookie card?) I love how NFL scouts act like they care about low Wonderlic scores at all. I suppose they do, but not in the way that you might think. All things being equal, they would prefer a player with a lower Wonderlic score than a player who scored particularly high on the test. Sound counter intuitive? (for those of you with sub 10 Wonderlic scores, that means "the opposite of what you would think").

NFL GMs and coaches know that the lower the Wonderlic score, the less options the player has outside of football. In 2010, when Myron Rolle, Florida State graduate, Rhodes’ Scholar, and aspiring neurosurgeon, was being evaluated scouts actually called into question his dedication to football because of his desire to become a doctor after he stopped playing (incidentally, he scored a 33 on the Wonderlic). One particular asshole on the Buccanneers staff asked Rolle “what it felt like to desert his team the past season” after Rolle spent his senior year at Oxford getting a masters in Medical Anthropology.  Leaving aside whether or not Rolle was in fact talented enough to play in the NFL, when is this question ever asked of juniors who declare for the draft and leave their schools early? They might as well ask, “are you really desperate to play football and will you be in abject poverty if you don’t make a team"? "Are you okay with serial concussions"? If so, we’d like you to come in and try out for the kickoff team. Oh, by the way, "can you read this"? No? Awesome, grab a helmet

The dirty not-so-secret thing about the NFL is that they want guys who see football as their first, last and only option. A guy who has options and aspires to be something more than a football player and who, god forbid, is more intelligent than their coach is a player that is not long for the league (unless you’re the quarterback). A player without options is a guy coaches know they can goad and manipulate into hurtling his body headlong into a kickoff return wedge, will play hurt, will show up to all the mini camps and OTAs, and play for less money. Teams hold the Sword of Damocles over these players, preying on their fear that without football, they don't have anywhere else to turn.

When a single digit Wonderlic score comes across the wire, scouts and coaches publicly condemn it, but privately high five each other and shoot that player to the top of their draft board. Keep those dummies coming!

[mymindsplayingtricks-blog]

Girl Talk is not a DJ; He's an Economist

Remember when you were a young, if you had a girlfriend or a girl you liked, you made her a mix tape?  Yeah, me neither, but I'm starting to think I should have, I could have been rich.

Gregg Gillis (Girl Talk) is not a DJ.  He makes that abundantly clear in his interviews and even on his t-shirts that say, you guessed it, "I'm not a DJ".

The problem then, is what is Girl Talk?  He tells us that he is a musician and holds concerts all over the country where people go to see him perform, but according to Merriam Webster, a Musician is a composer (nope he hasn't written anything), conductor (don't see an orchestra) or performer (we'll get to that) of music.  In fact, he'd be much better served calling himself a DJ.  Most DJ's are actually musicians because they do, at times, PERFORM live music.    

So what happens at a Girl Talk show?  What does Girl Talk do?  He makes mixtapes and chicks love him.  Oh and he throws one hell of a party. That cannot be denied.  But please, please, please don't mistake him for a music maker or his party for a concert.  He presses play on his laptop and shoots toilet paper from a gun like a male cheerleader at an Ohio State basketball game.  He drops balloons down from the ceiling like he's celebrating the new year, all while his mixtape plays in the background.  Never once does he actually perform the music that he's spent so much time mixing and selling to the masses.

Wait, selling? Oh yeah, Girl Talk sells "albums" of his "music".  You won't find them on iTunes though because I'm sure Apple doesn't want that shit-storm of legal action in their inbox. In his last "album" entitled All Day, Gillis samples 373 different songs (no I didn't count, I waited for someone else to waste their life on that).  I spoke to several DJ's before writing this and every single one to a man (and woman) told me selling mixtapes isn't legal without the original artists' permission to do so.  Many of them even expressed disdain for what Girl Talk is doing because it could blow up in his face and make their industry look bad.  Now, I'm not a betting man (ok, thats a bold faced lie), but I'd be willing to wager that Girl Talk hasn't talked to each of these labels and gotten the requisite permission slips.  Make no mistake, that doesn't mean he isn't making money.  At roughly $40 for face value tickets to his shows (with all the fees), and his album sales through other channels, Gillis is doing just fine.

Girl Talk makes one hell of a mixtape and throws a rager of a party.  He's not a DJ, he's not a musician, and he's not a performer.  He's an economist, a businessman, and a brand builder.  He's a guy that understands motivating market factors and harnesses them to make himself money.  His formula?  Chicks dig mixtapes and great parties.  Guys (most of them) like chicks and guys will go en mass to where the girls are.  For every girl who buys a ticket to see Girl Talk, there are likely 3 guys that will do it just to be in the same place as that girl. Don't believe me? Go to one of his shows and see for yourself.

[mymindsplayingtricks-blog]

Blame It On The Rain

With all this precipitation in San Francisco the past week, the phrase "Blame it on the Rain" has been coming up more frequently than usual.  As with most things I hear, this jumped into my head and started bouncing around in the Chuck-E-Cheese ball-pit that is my brain and took me back in time. 

I don't know about you, but I can pinpoint the very moment when I got my first CD (thankfully about 3 minutes after I got my first CD player).  I remember thinking how clear the sound was and how great it was to be able to skip to whatever song I wanted at any time.  No more rewinding or waiting for a tape to switch sides.  And maybe, just maybe, that's why I had so much love for my first CD , Girl You Know It's True by Milli Vanilli so much.  Or was it? 

The more I think about it, the more I realize I was/am a fan of that album.  Many people want to write off the album because Rob Pilatus and Fab Morvan didn't actually perform the vocals, but really who cares? That album was dope and 5.4M views on YouTube cannot be wrong.  In an age where people like Girl Talk (Gregg Gillis) can sell out a concert hall by pressing play on a laptop, playing other people's music (more on him in another post coming soon), Milli Vanilli should be embraced again. 

I don't know a single friend of mine who wasn't fired up when Girl You Know It's True, Blame it On The Rain or the slow-dance ballad of Girl I'm Gonna Miss You came on the radio or a middle school dance.  Regardless of who made it, performed it or took credit for it, that album was good. 

So while you sit looking out your window at the rain (or you don't because you live somewhere that doesn't suck right now), enjoy some Milli Vanilli.

[mymindsplayingtricks-blog]

CBS Needs Kurtis Blow

Everyone loves "One Shining Moment" when the nets get cut down and the NCAA Champion is crowned. It's the culmination of a hard fought tourney.  But let's be honest, who wants to wait until April for a basketball montage?  Not me.  Enter Kurtis Blow. 

CBS needs to hire him to make a new rap every year with all the names of the teams and key players to open up up the tourney.  It would be epic, if not only to hear what he Rhymes with "Jimmer".

[mymindsplayingtricks-blog]

Grant Hill Loses to The Fab Five

A Letter to Grant Hill in response to HIS response to Jalen Rose's comments in The Fab 5 documentary an ESPN film about the Michigan basketball careers of Jalen Rose, Juwan Howard, Chris Webber, Jimmy King and Ray Jackson from 1991 to 1993.

You can find Grant's original response here:

http://thequad.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/03/16/grant-hills-response-to-jalen-rose/

Dear Grant,

You finally lost.  The pride you held having never lost to the Fab Five is gone.  Did you even watch the film?  It is clear to me that you didn't and received some bad advice in writing an article for the New York Times.   C'mon Grant, you're better than this.

You call Jalen Rose and the Fab Five "pathetic" and find it "sad" that he called you a "bitch" and all black Duke players "Uncle Tom's".  You then go on to list all the great careers (both on and off the court) that black Duke players have had.  During your page long rant about about the insensitive nature of these comments, you completely failed to see what was really going on. As an 18 year old, Jalen Rose was jealous of you.  He envied you.  It is clear as day to anyone who watched that the mood and tone of this segment was a coming of age and a learning experience for these five 18 year olds. Not only were the Fab Five's comments in the PAST TENSE, ie. the 18 year old versions of these men, but the film ACTUALLY goes on to show the new found respect that they had for you and your teammates once they played you (see video below). 

Grant, you were an incredible college player, really fun to watch and regardless of if you played for Duke, Michigan or anywhere else, you were loved more than you were hated.  You could have continued your winning streak by simply issuing a "no comment".  The high road would have been not to address the film at all (especially if you didn't see it).  Writing this article was the wrong move.

The Fab Five and Jalen Rose didn't win anything through all this, but you definitely lost the respect of a lot of people.