let the ranting begin

[mynotsosadlife]

what the hell

So I’m really upset and disappointed with myself. 

Been in a 1.5 year relationship, broke up more times than I can even remember. Still can’t decide whether it’s a good or bad thing that he dumped me. In my head I know it’s a good thing, but my heart hurts a little. Am I making things too complicated? I’ve always told myself that I need to be smart and not settle, but it seems like i did just that. Is it settling though or I love him? It’s so hard to tell.. The only thing I really know right at this moment is that I fucking deserve to be treated well and be valued for my traits rather than just an organ that I have. 

Anyways here’s the story why he broke up with me for the hundredth time... My birthday is coming up, and I asked for a present. I didn’t ask for a tangible thing! I asked him to stop asking for s e x and so he dumped me. It fucking sucks and it’s fucking so lame. There was no conversation, just simply “I rather be single”. I literally thought it was a joke, but I guess it’s not. So he blocked me on everything! I tried calling him and no answer. Crazy me, figured out his passwords to all his social media and stuff and creeped everything. So apparently, he’s friend zoning me... what does that even mean? Friend zoning, so he fell out of love? So all that I was good for is fucking s e x? If he breaks up for just that, then the fucking answer is? YES. He then goes and tell his friends, that I’m wrong for thinking that. Ok I’m for sure not stupid, so can someone explain to me why I’m wrong for thinking that! So that’s the end of my crazy relationship. I really should be happy to be out of it, but it fucking hurts to know that that’s all I was to him. 

So why am I disappointed with myself? Well because I’m butt hurt and I called him for two days! I should have some self respect for myself, why don’t I? Why the fuck would I call him back? Why the fuck don’t I walk away? Why the fuck don’t I see the value in myself? What happened to me? I remember being a fucking tough as girl, who doesn’t give a fuck. Look at me now, giving too many fucking fucks! And if anyone asked me what I would do if he was to call me and asked for me back, I would fucking say no, but mean yes. I’m so fucking weak! Why am I so fucking weak. 

[mynotsosadlife]

my closure

I’m a runner. When anything undesirable happens, I will run away and avoid the situation as a whole. Likewise for my recent relationship. We broke up, but I never had the chance to ever fully express the emotions I was feeling and explain why I was feeling the way I was. So here are my final words:

I can truly accept the fact that we weren’t right for each other, I can also accept the fact that you can date immediately after our break up, and I can also accept the fact that you cheated on me while we were dating.

BUT, I can’t and won’t accept the humiliation that you caused me and how horribly you have treated me after everything. All that I have asked for was respect and all that I have received was the complete opposite. I asked for a friend in return, but not only did you fool me in saying that you would, you decided to embarrass me amongst my colleagues and made me look a lunatic. I left and yet you found me again to do it all over. You think since I left a toxic environment that that will be the end of it. Of course not. You poisoned my new environment and I have to run once again to avoid such a negative environment. 

And let me remind you, while you were doing all that, I was taking care of your dog. And making sure that you’re emotionally ok, because I knew you didn’t like being alone and you apparently didn’t have many friends. 

 After all that you’ve put me through, I still put you first and myself second. I cared more about the aftermath for you. more so for own sanity. All I asked for was respect and all you did was spit in my face. So let me run this one last time, and that will be the end of you and I. I am done, and I hope you are too.

I truly hope you find the one that can change your bad ways. I wish you the best, but I wish for my best first. 

[mynotsosadlife]

confused

sometimes i don't know if the steps i’m taking are the correct ones.

there’s a time in our youth where we want to experiment with our bodies and experience it with different people. i have always been known as the “celibate” girl.. the girl who has self discipline and doesn’t fuck around, but for some odd reason i want to explore.. recently i’ve been exploring with a couple different people. but i’m afraid. i hate when my emotions get attached cause i become into a  person i don’t like when things go bad. 

[mynotsosadlife]

question

are all the guys the same? or am i just meeting the exact same type -assholes?

[mynotsosadlife]

is it normal for people after break ups to change their entire aspect of life? cause when things happened to me i picked up habits i promised i would never pick up.

smoking

partying

drugs

I feel like i lost all my class and dignity just trying to make myself feel better. i started going to clubs three times a week when i normally went like once a month... i desperately needed to laugh and feel free so i turned to drugs. people might say this is all an excuse, but when you feel like you hit rock bottom, you'll do anything to make yourself feel better. for me it felt like i stayed at rock bottom for the longest time... two months gone by after the break up and i still had to cry my way to sleep... in the morning i had to pretend everything was okay.. and start over. 

thanks to a couple of my friends and long midnight talks.. i had to stop my foolishness and get my act together. in the end of the day, i had to be better than him. i had to be prettier than him, i have to do better than him at school... i just needed to present myself better than him.. and that was the simplest way to satisfy my happiness.

this quote actually taught me a lot and hopefully this helps others who are in the same circumstances as i was: 

you are your only problem, and you are your own solution

[a-mad-girls-love-blog]

[missssylaw]

i think this symbol is being underestimated.. lots of people say it’s such a typical tattoo design.. but to me infinity means more beyond words. i believe in forever, and i believe that everything that we do is with us forever -either being good or bad, we learned and we grew from it. relationship wise, i don’t believe in playing around.. i believe when we find the right person, the amount of love we have for each other should be infinite.. for family perspective, regardless of the issues with each other our blood keeps us as a close knit group forever. I WANT THIS AS A TATTOO… i want strength to be in the tattoo :S fml asian parents.. gonna kill me

[mynotsosadlife]

why is it that we settle?

why is it that we settle? is it because we think we can't find someone who's worth it or meets our requirements? or are we just afraid that if we loose this kid we won't have anyone else to go back to? i don't know why i'm willing to settle.... he's not willing to look into my eyes and tell me his truth, then why am i willing to morn and let him affect me this way? 

why do i cry about him? why should my tears fall down my cheeks for this kid, when first of all he doesn't know that i do and there's a great chance that he doesn't even care. the consecutive days that i've cried for this kid seems so pointless and unforgiving because it didn't give me the satisfaction of anything. sooo i've been told crying helps to express emotions, but that's a waste, if it means nothing in the end to anyone. i just don't understand how one person who was so important and now is just a stranger can still affect me emotionally. i feel like all the time i've invested with him is all gone to waste. honestly, i wish i could have kept it as a friendship and left it as that. i wouldn't have to go through all this crazy and confusing emotions. 

[mynotsosadlife]

should i go or should i stay?

it's been pretty much three months that we've broken up.. but why is it that i still have feelings for him? or do i just miss having someone there known as my boyfriend? every time i see him it reminds me of all the good times we had and shared together, but i think i neglect the bad things in our relationship. what if we did start talking again? and he asked me to be his girlfriend again? do i follow my heart or do i follow my head? cause i certainly know my friends are against us getting back together.. i think after this relationship it made me realize that i do deserve more than what he gave. why am i willing to give up my happiness for someone who doesn't even love me? i know i'm silly and stupid for thinking like this.. what can i do now? i honestly want to throw everything away and just start fresh ...but it's so hard throwing away all those memories. but i have to do what's best for me right? lets just hope every thing goes well... 

[thequeenbey]

[kushandwizdom]

Click here for more personal quotes

[kushandwizdom]

[mynotsosadlife]

is it just me or is it all girls?

are all girls fixer upers in a relationship or am i standing alone with this title? when i was with him i felt like i shouldn't break up with him because he was going to change and if i voiced my opinion everything will be okay. but clearly that was not the situation... he said he loved me, but he didn't show me with his heart. he was just voicing it. i asked him why was that, and he answered that he does but he doesn't like showing it off.. but if i can't feel it and if i can't see it then i think it's pretty pointless.. am i wrong about this? every time he's upset i felt obligated to make him happy, but when i wasn't happy he just gave me space.. i'm a very simple girl, a simple "i love you babe" fixes everything. but i guess he didn't understand that. and now that i will be seeing him every week ... i must be strong and stand strong so that he can't see that i'm suffering without him in my life. 

[mynotsosadlife]

why am i like this?

okay, so the story is............ i still have feelings the for my ex. but everyone and i know that he's not the right one. my brain tells me that he's not a good boyfriend.. and yet i'm still willing to settle for this kid. am i stupid or what? why do i still like this hindi believer?