My Online Diary

The Frustrations of my life that no one else is allowed to read- the truths that I'm too afraid to put in my paper diary lest someone's reads to much. Lest I read to much.

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Relationships

Part 1: He sweeps you off your feet Part 2: You spend a lifetime falling Part 3: You hit the ground. Hard

And as a true klutz, I can tell you, the ground hurts.

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My Everything

He’s texting like we used to. And I’m so happy I could cry. God I miss him. And I love him. And I can’t wait for tomorrow.

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5-13-15

And I'm tired of her making me feel like less. Less pretty and less filled in and less cool and less tan and less worldly and less responsible and less prepared and less talented and less fashionable and less of a friend and less selective and less careful and less smart (as in common sense) and less friendly and less popular and less hot and less interesting and less rich and less supported and less considerate and just generally less. All I ever feel around her is angry or less. And I'm done feeling like less. I'm done feeling worthless and like second best and like the lesser option of two. Like I'm making all the worse decisions and am ruining my life and making a fool of myself. I'm done with like less.

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5-13-15

I'm just about ready to blow at Kendall by now. Freeman talks all the time about how he hates JP so much because he plays pity party, but he says Kendall is his best friend, and she does the exact same thing all the time. And her life is freaking perfect. It's "My mom raised her voice half a decibel because I didn't clean my room after she asked me ten times and my boobs are too big and my parents want me to miss one of my proms to travel the world and of the dozens of guys who have crushes on me none of them meet my extremely high standards and my friends who are in love care too much about each other and not enough about me and my legs are soar because we played tag in drama once three days ago and I can't stand going to the beach because I'm stuck there on vacation for a quarter of every year and my friends are too active and it's unfair that they get to be in love and I can't and my perfect life sucks!!" And it's ridiculous and it's driving me insane. F and her spent all day together. And went to the movies and were thinking about the beach. And didn't even think invite me. In fact he didn't text me all day. The first day in months we haven't seen each other at all. Not even on FaceTime. And he's gone again tomorrow. But at least I'm stuck with her. What if they did something? Kissed or admitted feelings or something. What if he cheated? Or is going to break up with me so that he won't be cheating? What if he still loves her???? And what if she likes him back?

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5-11-15

Freeman, Gilbert, Kendall, and I hung out after school today, down at Starbucks and then Mickey Ds. My jealousy of Kendall is getting worse. She is getting more and more on my nerves and I simply cannot stand her anymore. I honestly want her to do something terrible so I can openly abhor her and not have to play good. Even worse she and Freeman were planning to do something Wednesday since they both get to skip school for English AP tests. It's driving me insane. I can't stand them together and I can't stand her which makes it worse. And he spent all of lunch planning that and talking with Serena and Aria. I actually kind of like them, despite being a bit jealous as well. I know my jealousy is ridiculous, but oh well. It's how I feel, and there's nothing I can do about it. I do love him though. I told him today my tooth fell out since my mom still hasn't taken me to the dentist, and he was so upset in my honor. But he keeps cracking jokes about my liking everything and everything being great. He doesn't realize I've never had any other option. Growing up it was textbook middle child syndrome. Cameryn got all the benefits of being the oldest, of being first, as well as the negatives but not a strongly. Jasmyn got all the negatives of being the youngest, the baby, and a few of the negatives. I was caught picking up the slack of all the negatives of each and received no benefits, plus was left out and forgotten. This especially wasn't helped by fact that I was so different from them. Whenever a decision was made with me, it was never my decision. Cameryn and me: Cameryn got what she wanted because she was older and had earned it. Jasmyn and me: Jasmyn got what she wanted because she was littler and it was my job to be the bigger man and a selfless role model. Either I learned to be happy with whatever they decided or I would spend my whole childhood depressed and hating everything and everyone. I chose the former. So that's why everything's great, and everything's wonderful, and I can never make a decision. Because growing up, great and wonderful were the only option. And I can't choose between one or the other, because I trained myself to think every option was best of the best, so I couldn't be disappointed. If both decisions are the best, then you can't pick a wrong one. Today Evy and I decided that we are gonna solve a millennium prize problem together. Maybe two minds working together will make it a more possible feat. Freeman and I never sit and talk anymore- despite us both loving it. Hopefully soon. I'm dying for it.

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5-7-15

I'm so tired right now and I'm frustrated and I don't want to go to my moms house- I want to go to my dads and take a bath and watch daredevil and just relax and I need it to be the weekend but we still have one more day and I need freeman time sooo badly because I'm just frustrated and stressed and exhausted with everything and he calms me down and relaxes me and I need it to be summer and I need a vacation and I'm so done with everything today and I'm frustrated because of my 88 in math and because of my need to redo in drama and my need to retake my Spanish test and my social studies project and Kendall and Freeman and everything and life is just feeling very tentacley lately and not anchored enough, and I want to sit and play hours of sing it or band hero on singing but I can't because our mike doesn't work and I can't seem to relax lately and it's driving me insane. And the weathers being a bummer too and jasmyns being jasmyn as always and I Just Need A Break. But the weekend will be here tomorrow and then it's Evy's party and then it's Lacey's party and then it's school all over again and I haven't gotten my sat scores and I don't know what I did wrong on my math test and I have to spend the whole day and night doing my social studies project and then the other project and I have to deal with Kendall who's just adding stress and I just want to curl up with freeman and take a nap and then snuggle for a while and just talk. I just want to talk with him and have things be how they used to be and everything to stop being so hard. I just want to relax. To be able to breathe for one minute. Just one.

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5-7-15

Today is Evy’s birthday! I really want to go to Fs- partly for that and honestly partly (maybe mostly) to be with him. However, I don’t wanna be lame and invite myself. And I don’t know if they are doing a family only bday night for her. But I very much want to go there- I need some freeman time. I’m gonna try to get him to ask by talking about how I need to get Evy her doughnuts and don’t trust him to pass them on. If he asks then he wants me there to, if not then he doesn’t. Crossing my fingers

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5-6-15

I’m at HS right now, waiting for my mom to come get me. Freeman just left. I spent the day with him and K, and honestly, I’m slowly getting more and more upset. Because I’m slowly starting to dislike K, but in that sibling kind of way- like sometimes we have great wonderful I love you moments but the rest of the time I can’t stand you and your existence (but I love u anyway cuz your my sister. But that doesn’t mean I like you one bit). And it makes it worse because he used to have the hugest crush on her and I don’t think he ever truly got over it. So I’m of course a little jealous. Or a lot. I’m not entirely sure. And whenever the three of us hang out, they are such good friends and he’s trying so hard not to make her feel like a third wheel that I end up feeling like a third wheel. Anyway, this isn’t the only situation of jealousy. I get frustrated about this a lot. It’s like how Cath describes it in Fangirl, he’s super nice and amazing and wonderful and flirty, but that’s also just his personality, so he’s like that with everyone. So sometimes it’s hard to actually feel special when the ways he makes me feel special are so common with everyone. All our special us things become everyday things. And it doesn’t help all his closest friends are girls. And he’s naturally flirty. He doesn’t even realize it. And I know I don’t actually have anything to worry about, because he would never do anything like that, but I worry all the same. Sigh. Someday. It’ll get better.