We are Glass

Grieving the loss of my oldest and my youngest. I lost them both the summer of 2020

[whitepeopletwitter]

When can we start?

[mypompei]

You would have turned a year today.

[mypompei]

They don't see whats broken. Or how much I cry a day. It's been almost a year. To them it's gone away. But my nights are still long and my days are still hell. Sometimes I wonder how they can't tell. I lost who I was when I lost you. There's nothing left to look forward to. Everyday here I am bound I wait to join you in the ground.

[mypompei]

How can I pray, if I don't believe? How do I love, when I only grieve? How can I live when the breath that I breathe everyday is slow killing me.

[mypompei]

If my love could have saved you, you'd have lived forever

[mypompei]

Watch "Faith Marie Antidote Lyrics" on YouTube

[mypompei]

I'm so sick of having to be the stable one in my family. I go to work everyday and pay my bills for the last 15 years. I take care of my house. I take my animals to the vet and I pay for their training. I help my family pay their bills and take their animals to the vet. I help with their houses and their cars and their kids.. I calm everyone down when they fight. And they always fight. They. They get to get drunk, pass out, get high, live off the government. Live off their children. Sell drugs. Pass their kids off to other people. They don't have cars or jobs or stable lives. And I get dragged into all their garbage. Me. Who wakes up every day hoping to die. Me. Who bleeds and cries in silent as they live their selfish lives. They don't ask about me. They don't care im drowning. They won't help me. I don't deserve their help because "I have to help myself" they say. Well I'm done. I'm not coming when you call. And I will never ask for help again. Tonight is my night to give up. I'm not fixing this car that no one will help me with. I'm not cleaning my house or changing my clothes.

Tonight I get drunk. I pass out. I get to forget. I get to indulge. I get to feel rage for once. And maybe if I'm lucky. I won't wake back up.

[lyndaiswriting]

Today, I realized something amazing and I wish that I had realised it so much earlier. For a few years, I have been blaming myself, my grief for the way that my husband treats me, for the disintegration of our marriage. Today, I realised that our marriage has fallen apart and our love has gone because he is not strong enough to deal with my grief. It is not my grief that has done this but his reaction to ot. He had become a bully and conceptualized my grief in vile mysonistic terms: I am mad, too loud, too much, overwhelmed, confused. What is talking is his upbringing, his misogyny and his fear.

I need to remember that I am smart, talented, a great mother and worthy of both love and respect. zi need my grief to be acknowledged as an integral part of me but not my whole.

"What is grief if not love persevering?"

[mypompei]

You start to learn that the people that said they'd be there, are gone. It's the hardest thing I'll ever go through!, and they are disappointed I'm not that strong. I knew this would destroy me. I didnt know I'd be facing it alone.

[ofblessedmemory]

Jewish Etiquette: Visiting a Shiva House

Do not ring the doorbell when visiting a family sitting shiva. Mourners should not be prompted to act as hosts. The door will likely be unlocked. Just walk in. If the door is locked; knock lightly, or consider that they may not be open to visitors at that time.

If there are a lot of visitors, try not to stay too long. The shiva home should not become crowded, nor should it be treated as a social function.

Upon entering the shiva home, it’s sometimes customary to take your shoes off (not every community does this,) and keep your voice low and soft. Simply sit with the mourners, and let them set the tone.

Avoid asking how they’re doing. You already know the answer, and they shouldn’t be made to feel the need to pretend they’re okay.

Do not bring flowers; symbols of life are an affront to both the mourning and the deceased. Instead, bring gifts of kosher food. They don’t have to be homemade; store-bought is fine. Also do not bring wine or other types of alcohol; mourners are not to drink during shiva. (Gifts are Ashkenazic; Among Sephardim, visitors do not usually bring gifts.)

Donate (if you can) to a charity or cause the deceased cared about. If you’re unsure of what that might be, ask the family. They may already have a donation fund set up.

Plant a tree in honor of the deceased. There are many websites where you can have a memorial tree planted in almost any location in the world, and they often also send a notification card or email to the family.

[traumaeyed-deactivated20210519]

[d-i-s-c-o-n-n-e-c-t-e-d-deactiv]

[handwrittenloveletter-deactivat]

the little friend, donna tartt

[we-the-dreamers]

“I think I’ve come to terms with the fact that there will always be a ribbon of loneliness running through who I am.”

Jenny Slate

[lora-mathis]

from the zine No Mist by Lora Mathis (2017) Available here.

[heavensghost]

‘Grief is cold fingers tapping on my window at night. Keeping me awake. Keeping me aware.’

[feral-ballad]

Anna Akhmatova, 1953, tr. by Judith Hemschemeyer, from The Complete Poems of Anna Akhmatova

[heavensghost]