Myrtle's Old Journals

All posts are anniversary entries from six years of journals. Some days will have entries from every year. Some days won't have any entries. Some of my entries are interesting. Some of them are not. Some of my writing is good. Some of it is not.

[myrtlehurtlingthroughspace]

November 2, 2011

I enjoy speaking to Jacob H. I find him very expressive. Jacob is very devout and lives very close to his bible. Sometimes he is difficult to talk to. Too aggressive. But sometimes he is very calm and very open and we can have great conversations.

[myrtlehurtlingthroughspace]

November 2, 2013 (7:29 pm)

Elaine and I ate the tofu parmesean with spaghetti and mixed veggies. It was fun. We listened to music and cooked and knitted (actually, only she knitted).

[myrtlehurtlingthroughspace]

Wednesday, Nov. 2, 2016 (10:09 am)

It feels weird to know that I struggle with kindness and honesty- that I am so often angry and cruel. [Keaton] told me last night that sometimes we don’t like ourselves and that means we’re changing for the better. It’s kinda creepy that they are so wise. 

I’m reflective of my behavior because I was a real piece of shit at the Halloween party on Monday. It was at Amanda/Justin/Amelia/Ethan’s house and about 90 minutes in Alex and Katie showed up and Ethan got incredibly angry and walked out. I reacted by telling Alex to get out of there- I called him a weakling and a coward. Katie came to his defense and I said, “you’re both so fucking empty.” It’s hard for me to even write because I am so ashamed of that moment. It wasn’t even my fight- but I picked a side. I saw Ethan as a victim and Katie as a perpetrator and made it black and white. Then I absorbed Ethan’s anger and spewed it back at Katie.

 I called her last night and apologized. I told her she didn’t deserve that treatment and what I had said came straight from my own darkness. Now, over the last few days, I’ve been analyzing my anger and my behavior. I don’t want to be a punishing person. So now- as long as my relationship with Katie continues- I will prove to her that I am truly apologetic and never use my emotions to attack her again. Selfishness and cruelty are getting old. And guilt is useless. I can’t feel guilty, I must focus energy (otherwise wasted on guilt) on being a better person.

[myrtlehurtlingthroughspace]

Oct. 29, 2013 (5:25 pm)

I just got off the phone with Brendan. I called to ask how his birthday was. It was great- he bought a mandolin. I woke up late and watched television most of the day, which I find regretful. There are times when one does not feel present in their own life. This is one of those days. I made dumplings today, out of the box. I made eight and ate two. I also made a grilled cheese sandwich with tomato soup. Honestly, I often think about what might happen to my journals. In my mind, I save every one forever. They are all in a box together, maybe in the attic. I add to the box each year. Each journal is labelled. I pull them out every once in a while. I laugh. I get embarrassed. Sometimes I really like what is written. Sometimes I really don’t. I’m currently writing something unlikable. Anyway, the point is, I would hope that someone else could find them. That’s the dream, isn’t it? That grandchildren read the journals and think about who it is that left them. Maybe I only wish such a silly thing because I’d like to be the child to find a box of journals. It is incredibly intimate isn’t it?

[myrtlehurtlingthroughspace]

Oct. 29, 2015 (9:05 am)

I got Dad a book and a couple of blues records for his birthday...we went to Sushi Buffet last night.

[myrtlehurtlingthroughspace]

Oct. 28, 2015 (11:35 am)

I have been studying for only 1.5 hours at Corridor Coffee. Seanna came over last night. She drove Sarah home from work. We made pizza (actually, Sarah did) and watched the Sixth Sense. We all went to bed just after midnight. I woke up at 9 am. I finished copying some notes but I gotta do more. I gotta start pulling more hours for my physics class....2:16 pm...I get so tired after class. I clearly was not meant to live past 12 pm...I think this makes me a morning person. Maybe I can adjust to a better sleeping schedule and get up earlier to take advantage. Can you tell that I am scrambling for a topic to write about?I don’t write every day anymore....I feel I’m not a good student right now. I miss being a good student. I don’t miss a lot of things recently. But I am not unhappy. Maybe I’m just in the middle, existing- don’t think about it too much, or at all. 

[myrtlehurtlingthroughspace]

Friday, Oct. 28 2016 (11:03 am)

I’m a bit of a performer. I suppose that is an understatement since I consider pretty much everything I do a performance. My characters and personas. My style. My jokes. I’ve treated my sexuality as a performance, as something for public consumption. I don’t want to use my sexuality as a joke or a mystery or a form of entertainment anymore. This is something I’ve considered a great deal recently and it almost makes me feel guilty. I have dealt with so much confusion, strife, pride, and shame due to my sexuality. And I have allowed others to decide how I should behave. I have trivialized my own experience.

[myrtlehurtlingthroughspace]

Oct. 20, 2015 (1:59 pm)

After my English class today I went to my car and fell asleep. I am still sitting in the back. I only got six hours of sleep last night, five hours the night before, and five hours the night before that. I am suffering. I may nap one half hour more before my physics class.

[myrtlehurtlingthroughspace]

Oct. 18, 2013 (1:29 pm)

I’m not entirely sure where I am. I mean, on one hand I am quite obviously at 25 Pitman st, Providence, RI, sitting in the back of my car, but on the other hand I feel a tad lost. As if I am at the end of the road, and in a sense, I am. I can’t go to North Carolina because Warren Wilson is on break and Kaitlyn won’t be there. Lila would be there after Thursday, but it doesn’t give me much time to get back home. I was going to go South for the first time. I should go to Boston (1 hour N.) this weekend (today is Friday) but I actually just want to go home. That feels like giving up. I haven’t done nearly enough camping and I thought I’d be gone for another week. None of that should matter if what I really want is to go home though and that is absolutely true. And I want to go home. I have spent many hours on the road and I have seen so many new things. Ana was the last person I was absolutely sure I’d visit and now I think I need to go back home. Yesterday, I hung around Providence (and met Ana’s friend Spany) while Ana was in class. Then we drank a little and went out to smoke at a hookah bar. And Ana and I spoke deeply together and really connected. It was intimate and lovely and new. Ana and I have never had these moments before. Maybe it was influenced by that strange rule Jess once told me, which was that after midnight people will pour their hearts out for one another. Or maybe it was the other rule, the one about love, trust, and comfort.