Shit I Don't Know About Some Foods

Figuring out what the fuck these things are.

[mysteryfoodstuff]

Foreign Beer Afair: Asahi

This was great. Perfect for a hot summer day. Super Dry, but maybe a little sweet. It really reminds me of why refreshing beer is way better than those shitty, heavy, hangover-inducing IPAs that every beer “expert/snob” loves. Slam a bunch of these and feel okay the next day (except the feeling of worthlessness that creeps in, but that’s just personal shit). 

[mysteryfoodstuff]

This Shit: Vegan Lemon Fish Fillets

OK, so now I’m finally drunk enough to finally post another damn thing. This time it’s these magic Vegan Lemon Fish Fillets from VeriSoy. One thing: holy shit did they nail it! I am still shocked. I do love their slogan “The Art of Eating Healthy.” When did eating healthy become an art? 

so nothing fancy when it comes to this shit. 

These are the fillets just out of the bag. Nothing too shocking except how square they are. It’s kind of freaky, like that square fish-o-fillet shit that MacDonalds hamburger restaurant promotes for all of those dumpy catholics around easter. 

I think the simple solution is to fry these fuckers up in an super oily cast iron (that my roommate left chunks of egg in (i guess this ain’t 100% vegan anymore because of an asshole (side note:she’s actually very nice and does my shitty dishes a lot, so now i kind of feel bad))). 

I just fry them up nice and brown in oil while the room blurrs (no i didn’t listen to 90′s over-rated brit rock band). 

YUM!

Of course i had to make a simple, effective, yet trashy dipping sauce - vegan mayo-catsup-siracha -A fancy standard for a clueless 20 year old.

Anyways, long story short, this shit is great! It nails fish texture, it tastes like lemony fishy goodness, and the coating fries up so crisp and delicious. Low hopes lead to great experiences and shitty blurry photos. If only I could transfer that idea to other aspects of my sad and derivative life. Now go out and eat you bastards. 

[mysteryfoodstuff]

Foreign Beer Affair: Bitburger

This shit is Bitburger. I was warned by a witchy woman to not buy this because it sucks. Sometimes one must listen to omens, or at least heed the advice of a person that looks like he or she woke up in a rubbage pale.

Hey did you notice? it’s German’s No.1 Draft beer! Sorry Germany, this stuff is trash. That witchy woman was absolutely right. It tasted like bad champagne, but a little less sweet, so it made it a little better. As refreshing as shit champagne could be, this was totally not. On the other hand, it didn’t really taste like i was going to get a waking hangover. I had difficulty giving this shit away. I basically had to play on my male friends insecurities to egg them on. “Dude, you should try this. Are you a pussy or something?” This worked maybe 70% of the time. I should really reevaluate the people I consider friends. 

At least there is a happy looking guy on the label and it’s been around since 1817. I will definitely not buy this again. Some day, when i become an old witchy rubbage pale woman, i will warn other idiots not to buy this bathwater.

[mysteryfoodstuff]

Foreign Beer Affair: St. Pauli Girl (slight revisit) and LaBatt Blue

A newer segment, I took it upon myself to try all the shitty imported beers from my local booze distributor so you don’t have to suffer. 

First, I tried St. Pauli Girl (I didn’t want to skip, bit i also don’t have photographic evidence so maybe i’m lying, but why would i lie about drinking garbage beer?)

 Anyways, i have some fond memories of stealing this stuff out of my dad’s beer supply in high school. Revisiting it now, I found a couple things. First, the spit sip( the last sip in the bottle) is awful. I enjoyed the initial skunky dry lager taste, but the last bit ends rather sweet. verdict: probably not.

Now onto the main thing

This shit is Canada’s premier pilsner? It’s pretty easy to gulp down. It begins with a mild pilsner introduction, than hits with some malt. 

It finishes with some dry yet sweet, not too sweet flavors but lingers a little too long. Verdict: probably never buy this again.

Again another dumb set of articles for no good reason.

[mysteryfoodstuff]

This Shit: Vegan Prawns

Yes, that’s fucking right, vegan seafood. I had my doubts, but was unpleasantly surprised. 

Oh yes, it can be a part of your stupid diet trend thing. 

I think the first thing i thought of was curry, because making things into curry is the default answer to making random ass shit okay or even tasty. 

Also I had a few rotting vegetables I had to use. 

this curry paste is actually pretty great even though it looks like the aftermath of your cat eating a house plant. i recommend it for all shitty food curiosities. 

I released all that fucking flavor by cooking it up.

This is the packaged product... surprisingly accurate. 

maybe too accurate... 

I tasted it unaltered. Yup, texture was (weirdly) very similar to over cooked, very rubbery shrimp, so basically terrible shrimp. The flavor, if there was any, was also similar to shrimp, but with less sea-food/dead thing funk. 

the ingredients didn’t seem to be too outrageous, in a certain sense... 

To be clear, i thought chopping it up was the best method. That way i wouldn’t have to slurp a huge chunk of rubber down. 

The end results was a decent curry, mostly from the other ingredients being much better than vegan shrimp. I think i spat most of the shrimp pieces out or pretended it wasn’t there (but i do that with other things in my life). I think i’m baffled by the idea that people miss shrimp so much to make a much shittier version of it. 

[mysteryfoodstuff]

Puke soup: when you stupidly combine all the rotting root vegetables in your dumb refrigerator and it looks like something a college kid upchucked after a night of pizza and suspiciously neon vodka drinks. Trust me, this is a lot pinker in person.Tastes healthy-Feels like baby food-belongs on the sidewalk.

[mysteryfoodstuff]

A vegan picnic plate, because why the fuck not: open faced vegan sloppy joe with vegan macaroni salad.

[mysteryfoodstuff]

garlicky and salty. not great, but edible. 

[mysteryfoodstuff]

slightly coconut flavored styrofoam

[mysteryfoodstuff]

Very Tasty! Starts crunchy, ends silky. 

[mysteryfoodstuff]

Only a depraved human being would make a cookie sandwich with ruined cookies as the filling- depraved I say (also some homemade sunflower butter).

[mysteryfoodstuff]

As nasty as you think it will be...

[mysteryfoodstuff]

Time to invest in a new press... I mean, this shit:Mold, it's inedible. 

[mysteryfoodstuff]

Combining 2 winners to make 1 super winner

[mysteryfoodstuff]

[mysteryfoodstuff]

mysteryfoodstuff:

PLOP

[mysteryfoodstuff]

This Shit: Mincemeat

I received/found this for free, and in the spirit of not letting things go to waste, i decided to investigate/experiment by constructing the pie on the label. Doesn't that image look fucking nice and questionably delicious. 

WITH RAISINS & APPLES! OH MY GOD I'M FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW

Popping the top, this is what i was confronted with: random brown chunks and an overwhelming syrup sweetness. It smelled fucking sweet! how do you do that?! I had very very low expectations. 

These are the ingredients. Nothing too crazy. You should notice "beef" as an ingredient. It's 4th listed from the bottom right. First, this thing is called mincemeat I had questions about that. On further investigation, mincemeat is more of a term for a mixture like salad or bag of dicks.

Second, The fact that i hadn't eaten meat for quite some time, and this being the first portion of "beef" I would be having in a while, made me nervous. Not nervous in the way of becoming a crazed carnivore with revived Ted Nuggent urges to kill, grill, and feast, on the contrary, that i would be doing something dumb for no good reason. Ahh! for the good of useless internet blog posts that no one is probably reading. 

so the pie crust part: i had run out of all purpose flour so i subbed in some whole wheat flour - yum, fiber-y, healthy, shitty, grainy pie crust. 

Of course you chill your (roommates stolen) butter to make the crust flakey and delicious. Remember, when making pie crust, everything should be cold, especially your worthless soul. I know from experience.

And so begins the arm work. Notice the chunks of butter coated with flour. That's a fun trick. I still can be a little educational. 

Finally, the secret ingredient is shit vodka instead of water. I could make some quippy remark about taking shots and/or drinking it while i make the pie crust, but this stuff is absolute trash. I think touching it while bringing the pie crust together gave me a small stomachache. Drinking it is out of the question, I'm not (that) desperate (yet). Besides i prefer prescription painkillers.

Now they're wrapped up poorly in plastic wrap. These need to go in the fridge and follow the advice that one cool guy you know would tell you: chill. 

After a bit i rolled those fuckers out and placed one in my pie pan, the other being the top crust, dum-dum.

Then comes the fun part. (watch the video)

there it sits -  quiet, lurching, lurking, and most likely making me ill. The smell of shitty raisins and rotting apples filled the kitchen. De-lish ;)

I, of course, tasted this little bit. Yup, just as sweet as it smells. I think I need to constantly drink some coffee now to wash that away. Who knew raisins could fucking suck more than they already do. Tasting that small spoonful of pain reminded me of those little box of raisins i would get in my lunch and the whole experience sent me spiraling back to horrible times as elementary school shit head. ASHLEY! 

With it all said and done, this looks deceptively good. Just wait until you confront the raisin-apple-beef-cornsyrup-demon insides. 

As it was baking, i realized my oven door looks really fucking gross and i probably should do something about it, but won't. 

And now it cools. This might be the first time I wasn't looking forward to a pie in my entire life, yet i remember vaguely a prank pie that a younger, less mature, and much dumber version of myself constructed. 

Here are the insides after i took a slice.

and the actual slice.

Verdict: Way too fucking sweet (in the most horrible sense) out of 10 stars. The crust didn't do shit to make this more palatable. But i did learn i'm damn good at making pie crust, but i kind of already knew that.  I'm pretty sure i wont be able to give this shit away to anybody, even starving people. I wonder why things like this exist and who even buys canned prepared mincemeat (probably why i got it for free). THE END.

[mysteryfoodstuff]

PLOP