[mysunflowerdreams]

i reach out to you in the astrals, for if I were to reach out through portals i’d fall, too quickly back into admitting that i’m missing you versus trying to (s)wallow it all down with burning alcohol and cheap medicine medicine of the soul, now and I pray that healing begins (And it does, but not without the pain that beats deep in my chest, so I can no longer breathe). inhale. release. inhale, exhale deep.

[mysunflowerdreams]

a love turned to dust or stone? it is neither. a love that released into the hands of divine timing and we must release. the pain that takes over my chest and fills my cheeks asks that i swallow such remedy to understands. the love we hold did not disappear, it just simply evolved. 

i feel like a fundamentalist because this change has me in chokeholds far beyond than I experienced (but still can take). the strength within wheezes but i know it lies there, getting me through every day. 

the love i hold for you must be released into the wind to evolved or channeled in these love letters. but that’s simply not enough for me. with this love and expression and pain (under pain), it begs to be released. 

it begs to be transmuted out into this universe because i have so much i have to say and now i finally have the space to create and destroy and to breathe live into the art that knows no bounds. to finally release and channel. 

that is one thing waiting for me. in the future when our love returns to us in forms we do not know, tell me what waited for you on the other side. i still wish to know your secrets, your thoughts, your feelings. a love, shared. 

[mysunflowerdreams]

if I could give you every fragment of happiness

in exchange for my bones,

know that I could be spineless,

watching from one place

a sweet smile you carry so blissfully, (with me? maybe but mostly no)

it is okay because

it brings me no pain to love you/

at least, nothing justifiable, just heartache felt in vain

felt in longing to be with you

is my self sacrifice enough to show my love?

[mysunflowerdreams]

why is it freeing to say that i am falling in love with you

my heart is so heavy with feelings to share but my hands are small

but your palms do not face me, asking to place my heart

instead you have your hands tangled in your hair, stressing

god I wish my love could absolve all your pain

but one-sided love

never saved someone

[mysunflowerdreams]

sometimes i forget you created worlds for people

long before my existence in your planet

you spoke life into all these creatures,

and yet i am simply one of many before me -

an object of admiration

an object to be praised

an object to be spoiled

an object to be loved

an object, nonetheless

[mysunflowerdreams]

if your love is too reactive then baby, tell me more about it for no love of mine shall be stable i need it chaotic - barely clinging on and never consistent i need love that will sweep me, take me away into a whirlwind for love is all-consuming, isn't it darling?

tell me your soul is reactive enough for me

[mysunflowerdreams]

i am tired of hearing about grand romantic gestures when one of them is broken and is somehow “miraculously saved” by that someone because life isn’t me, the protagonist and you, my supposed, singular love interest and we are not surrounded by antagonists, nor by those complications of people whose actions are perfectly shaped just to cause some ruin in our character development because that isn’t how life works we aren’t two characters in a fairy tale book nor am i novel lover who overcomes self struggle with my mysterious, selfless partner in some town that we both hate in a time we’re both lost in

we are not a love story, and i am not a fairy tale

[mysunflowerdreams]

i wish i didn't see such light especially not from the eyes of yours because what will you do with my efforts and my confessions of feelings - i simply do not know a course of action

you are so wonderful but you do not deserve me

[mysunflowerdreams]

i am scared to ask but this information is beyond required - it is of the utmost importance though it pains me to hear an answer (and it'd last longer if i simply avoid it avoid avoid avoid avoid, i can do no longer) but when i spill such feelings which marks the start to my confession is right where you decide to simply flee from me?

​the answer is so painful, i already know

[mysunflowerdreams]

i know that so many people are scared of reaching out their hand and not getting any response back from you because you say it happens often but the idea of me one day not speaking to you due to time allowing us to drift away from each other is enough to weigh down my chest and have tears form so readily

even if you were supposed to leave, i don't want you to

[mysunflowerdreams]

waking up alone after falling asleep in your arms only makes the hole in my chest widen today especially made my heart ache because it felt as if i opened my mouth in water and inhaled and rather than floating like i normally do i allowed myself to look for you to pull me out of from the bottom of the ocean and now i am on the shore, left to dry wondering am i the fool for asking that?

but loving someone doesn't save them that easily

[mysunflowerdreams]

when our eyes meet in the darkness of your car do you feel competition spark your spirit - or am i alone in this game i created in my mind where our tacit actions convey just how deeply we feel for such small touches and indulge for once in someone else's time ?

i don't know if i want the answer

[mysunflowerdreams]

you ask why i cannot love you and it is because no one can live long enough to climb my tower of expectations and survive when they get weathered and let go, expecting me to have nets as if i did not warn you not to scale me

maybe you should have listened the first time

[mysunflowerdreams]

i hate when you say i am not yours because you have no idea how much i give to you even your names seeps into conversations among all my friends, reminding them - just how i view you how i think you are too good for me too beautiful for me too put together for me too intimidating for me

god i want you, but i am not ready

[mysunflowerdreams]

you ask every other person but me - “do you think they written about me?” i cannot tell you the same words i shaped at the thought of your teeth on my skin or the reminder that comes along with bruises leaves red on my cheeks and eyes turning away to feign annoyance (though it’s beyond that - it’s the inexplicable fact that i do, writing about you simply reminds me too much which is hard thought to bear)

so stop asking other people, the answer is yes