Currently itās school holidays here, so itās a little bit mental...well more mental than normal.
Baby who has been my best sleeper by far (still waking at night but going stretches) has hit the 4 month sleep regression hard. Up every 2hrs at night for last 9 days and cat napping in the day. Considering this has coincided with jabs and the older boys being home, itās a triple whammy of nope. Heās also the only baby I know who breastfeeds but seems to dislike my boobs all other times. He rarely comfort feeds, cluster feeds and dislikes feeding to sleep. I know most would see this as a good thing but itās exhausting tbh. The only up side is that he does settle for B during the day in the carrier and will hang out with him quite happily, he just needs me for milk which is still fairly regular. Obviously this is only helpful at the weekend though.
F is his funny old self, providing comic relief as always but also having the odd explosive tantrum. We work through it, we talk through it and hug etc (once heās calmer and letās me) but there have been some difficult ones. Both boys are saying words we wouldnāt say during tantrums so we know itās coming from school which is even more difficult tbh and sometimes he just repeats words over and over very loudly. He is really struggling with letting go though, lots of tears over change, even tiny things...itās hard to always be understanding although we try as we know lots has happened recently..but some days thereās only so many times I can calmly explain things without going crazy š I feel like Iāve tried every approach I know and I feel a bit stuck with helping him.
N is struggling with saying horrible words when stressed (again, things we would say at home or he would see anywhere other than school). He is also very defeated a lot of the time, giving up before heās even started, which is a trait of mine Iād hoped not to pass on. Again once heās calmed down, we talk through it, we keep trying etc etc. But again, very draining.
Personally my mental health is declining for first time since baby was born, which is pretty fantastic for me as Iād usually have more regular dips than this...but the sleep deprivation is upping my anxiety and it means my brain is never shutting off. I canāt keep a train of thought for more than a few seconds some days, itās so tiring. plus each boy needing a bit more attention when I just canāt split myself apart is hard. My thoughts are getting jumbled more and are very repetitive. Iām also eating pretty crap some days. I try very hard with meals but itās snacking... itās my downfall. But no sleep means I need sugar..and exercise is difficult as unfortunately my body is still recovering a bit from csec problems. I feel very blob like and like I need a make over š
B is still wonderful and doing the best he can every day to help me. He often gets up with all the boys so I can lay in which I am grateful for. He does many other wonderful things but Iām too tired to list. He tries his hardest to help with the older boys too and sometimes, especially with N, he can talk them down faster. Must admit Iām better with F most of the time though.
So thatās a moan about them all, but they are still all pretty great. When N tries and succeeds, even though it takes a shit tonne of effort and positive reinforcement etc, his face and personality just lightens. It is so heart warming and I love it when we finally connect over something. Iāve definitely found it hardest with him recently as he has a wonderful connection with B and my step dad as their interests are the same (but not things I enjoy) and I just seemed to be playing bad cop a lot. He is very similar to me with anxiety too and we can clash. Seeing him laugh at something Iāve said or achieve something that he thought he couldnāt do (even as minor as making a sandwich or cutting something out) is amazing. Seeing him making baby laugh is lovely.
F warms my heart with his kindness. He can read people really well and often knows when Iām upset, without seeing my face and he understands why. His imagination is incredible and his drawing is just amazing. He is like a bright light of fun sometimes, all he wants to do is play and join in. He wants to try everything, the opposite of N!
Baby is just bloody adorable. His giggles make my heart skip a beat and the way he smiles so big when he sees me is just perfect. He has rolled accidentally twice now but maybe on purpose soon..he is very good at rolling side to side and shuffling about that way. He also loves his brothers so much, and they love making him laugh, it is brilliant seeing their connection. Oddly itās one of the times I see N come out of his shell, he is much more subtle with baby and makes him giggle a lot. Sometimes F comes on a bit hard š
M is still an arse. No change. Seen kids for total of 5hrs in 4.5 months š¤·āāļø
I enjoy catching up on all your posts when I can so sorry for all the sudden ā¤ļøs š
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