MysXfit

[mysxfit]

I feel like my soul has died. I can’t cry; it’s all in my chest, that choked-up feeling you get in your throat. I can’t smile. It’s like I have to force it because my face has no expression anymore, and I don’t want anyone to think it’s weird. I can’t sleep because I constantly have nightmares, and it feels like it does nothing but make me feel worse. I can’t eat; I can’t even talk to anyone because it’s like I have nothing to say anymore. I can’t take a simple shower, and when I do, I don’t even feel refreshed anymore. My body is sensitive, and it feels heightened, where just the shower hurts my skin. It’s like I don’t care about anything or anyone anymore, but then the other part of me cares about everything and everyone. I sit and tell myself to stop having a heart because everyone has literally destroyed me, and that’s why I feel this way. I realized I gave everything I had for people who weren’t truly friends. I have nothing; I am homeless and don’t have anyone, but others have so much more and still manage to take and take. I care, but I don’t. It doesn’t make sense, I’m sure, but I sit and fight myself all day, and it’s unbearable. I can’t do anything because it’s taking all I have to not lose my heart because that part that doesn’t care scares me. I want to hurt everyone who’s hurt me when I didn’t deserve it, and I let them over and over, meaning to destroy them. I know I can, and I’d feel nothing. But then that other part cares, and I know I need to give to those who deserve it and who need it. Just black and white is all I see and feel, and I’m trying to not let it go completely black. I never wanted this to happen. It’s like I’m a dead man walking, and all I want to do is make the world better and keep showing what I stand for. But the other part wants to light it all on fire and watch it burn, and I’d feel nothing. I feel everything but nothing, and it’s a constant fight to not let that side come out because they’ll win. I just take it out on myself, and one day it’ll go too far like I’ve tried, and I won’t make it out to see that light. I’m okay with that. I can’t even off myself right. I also wouldn’t be here had I had DNR on my records, and I wish I didn’t come back.

[disorderly]

When you've been told your whole life that expressing any emotional reaction is dramatic so now you can't tell the difference between whether or not your emotional reaction to something is dramatic or normal

[bpdcrybaby213]

Everyone actually is out to get me and I'm sick of it. I don't trust anyone. I'm sick of being blamed all the time. Fuck it, I'd rather be alone than being condemned constantly. Everything I do is a goddamn mistake. My boyfriend came back but he's threatening to leave again. Like just fucking go, I can't take this shit. I really do feel like everyone is out to get me, him, my doctor, my case manager, my mother. They all blame me. I'd rather be alone than be blamed for anything ever again. I don't need any of you, I'll destroy myself in peace and never fucking hurt you again. You say I don't try? I'll fucking show you not trying.

[borderlineangel222]

everyone is supportive and promises to love you regardless of your mental illness.. that is until you start to show symptoms. then, they run away

[borderlineangel222]

My heart breaks for my parents because they too were traumatized by theirs as children but it breaks even more when i realize they did the same thing to me

[sleazyowl]

Hard to "think positively" when your BPD has never been wrong.

[manicm3ss]

having 0 friends is kinda taking a toll on me now. i dont feel wanted at all and seeing others on social media live it up with actual friends makes me even more depressed

[border-meme]

RANT POST

—————————

Don’t be fucking idiot and tell a borderline they’re hard to be with. We already fucking know and we’re trying our fucking best .

[lostcitysystem]

*telling someone I have BPD and the struggles I have with it*

Them: “Oh but you’re so nice! You probably have quiet BPD like you don’t get angry or mean at all!!”

Stop. Fucking. Stereotyping. BPD.

Even if I was a mean, angry person who happens to have BPD, it doesn’t mean I always show it. People with BPD mask their symptoms all the time due to fear of abandonment. If your first thought when someone tells you they have BPD is to say that they don’t because they’re “so nice”, you’re being prejudiced. BPD can make people angry and vitriolic and bitter and it doesn’t make them bad people. Just,,,, hhhhhhhhh,,,, be better to people with chronic mental illnesses.

(Obviously not excusing bad actions made by people with BPD or abuse or anything like that, just saying that you shouldn’t assume anyone with BPD is some sort of horrible person because of symptoms you read about or experiences you had)

[perisbpddiary]

I feel so alone all the time and it's so tiring

[bpdcrybaby213]

Why do I feel like self destruction is the answer to every bad feeling I have? Any negative thoughts, go on...destroy yourself, you'll feel so much better.

[borderlinebaby420]

waking up and immediately having to fight back tears bc i wish i could be unconscious and asleep forever

forced myself to go for a run because behavioral activation is actually very effective

[terminally-unlikable]

I wanna burn down every single bridge I built cause I’m tired of being the only person that makes sure it doesn’t fall apart

[my-road-to-existence-deactivate]

I think I reached a point of sadness I can't recover from. I don't wanna do anything anymore. I wanna disappear.

[unhinged-hinge]

Idk ig it’s like, sometimes I genuinely want more trauma to happen to me, I want someone to hurt me, I want to suffer… I just want a good reason to feel the way I do

[c0ffinbunnii]

i wish i could actually think through my problems instead of defaulting to suicide as an option

[anezkadragon]

Examples of bpd episodes:

just being really silent, suffering from unbearable self hate, believing everyone hates you

feeling watched, paranoid in public and judged

experiencing life trough a white fog, not being able to see, hear everything - not feeling anything

feeling numb and unreal, depressive episodes - not being able to move

self harm

feeling highly agitated, experiencing anger, rage - behaving violently against loved once - being verbally and physically aggressive, abusive

behaving like a little kid, child-like expressions, speech and behaviors - needing constant attention and help

often experiencing more than one of the above at once

other disorders factor in - such as eating disorders

feeling completely helpless during those episodes - watching yourself from the outside