[myunapologeticthoughts]

“Waking up to you is like I’m home”

[myunapologeticthoughts]

Sad because you’ll probably never be mine.

[myunapologeticthoughts]

Wow I really am led by my emotions huh…

I’m in a better place than I’ve been these past few days, not the greatest but loads better.

We talked and I got a bit off my chest, and it helped a lot.

Still unsure of exactly where we stand but I’m going to work on not giving in as much as I used to. I thought it was a good idea to start acting on impulse and it just made a mess of things.

The facts I’m sure of are that he likes me a lot, I like him a lot, and our story isn’t over yet.

Only time and god knows where we will end up but I need to be firm and lead us where we need to go.

So I’m going to stop procrastinating on stuff, and I’m giving this less energy as I now believe everything will eventually right itself.

If I need to fight then I will. But I’m not fighting a losing battle and if he doesn’t know that now, he will soon.

[myunapologeticthoughts]

I’m ducking up again.

[myunapologeticthoughts]

So. I made this guy upset because I joked about flirting with other people.

Even though he admitted we’re not in a relationship. Because, well, we aren’t.

We may do cute relationship-type stuff butttt there’s no real labels there.

I know he doesn’t want me to deal with anyone else, and now I can admit he does care about me.

It’s just toxic because he has baggage that he’s STILL fucking dealing with so that’s the main issue here.

Sorry I’m not making everything super easy for you. But I need assurance too. And I guess my toxic trait is to make you jealous when I’m feeling jealous.

🤷🏽‍♀️

Make me yours and we won’t have any problems. Otherwise you’re gonna keep getting partial love & affection from me.

[myunapologeticthoughts]

Everyday I lose more hope in all this..

So I just try to look forward to the morning, you know, with the little hope I have left that everything will work itself out.

Eventually.

[myunapologeticthoughts]

Back at it again.

I’m so tired. Tired of wanting what I can’t have.

I wanted it with him.. that connection that could withstand any storm, just anything.

But he doesn’t want the same. And I’m fooling myself for thinking that’ll change.

From the beginning I knew what it was.. well not the very beginning but I learned soon enough that his heart would never fully be mine.

I thought I could work with this. To see if maybe things will change.

But I can’t fucking work with someone that isn’t willing to give me 100%.

It’s not just about attraction and liking someone’s company. It takes a shitload more than that to turn this into something real. Instead of this play acting we’ve been doing.

It’s stupid and naive of me to keep this up. Going to see him when I know he’ll change his tune in a few days.

So I need to start making some tough decisions. Because I’m not getting younger and he’s not changing.

And to think he was the one fake-pressuring me into opening up and showing him all of me. Now he’s more closed up than a toddlers fist.

I’ll get what I want someday. The longer this goes on the more I’m starting to believe that may not be with him. But he’s taught me more about myself then I knew before I met him.

So for that I’m a little grateful. Just a little.

[myunapologeticthoughts]

I hate feeling like I’m not enough.

All it takes is just one simple thought to get the ball rolling.

My body, my personality, my voice, my laugh.. it’s. not. enough.

Not enough to keep you around the way I need you to be.

But this is what I’ve been saying I wanted. I just don’t like feeling empty about it.

I crave that connection. One that cannot be severed by anything or anyone.

Something to call mine. And I keep doing the wrong fucking things in the hopes of finally attaining it.

Why is this so hard? Why dammit..

Help me please.

[myunapologeticthoughts]

So. This weekend was one for the books.

The intimacy, the chillness. And then out of nowhere he has a blast from the past. Hisfuckingex.

It’s just a planned conversation he says. Which really means that the door he said was mostly closed is now wide open. The closure he desperately needs may just turn into an opening.

So where does that leave us? Because as much as I want him to be happy, I NEED to put myself first. He doesn’t want to call it quits with me yet, but is that really enough?

It fucking burns me to close myself off now until the coast is clear. And right after we have a semi-breakthrough in which I started making an attempt to open up more.

I don’t want to think this has all been a royal waste of my time. Because I really don’t. It’s been a huge lesson that isn’t over yet. And those small signs I explained away have now become huge sirens.

I’m going to just say it. Maybe he’s not right for me, and I’m not right for him. Maybe we’ve been trying to force this into working when we said we weren’t rushing things.

It doesn’t help that I’ve been closed off for so long, and now I feel like I’m bursting with the want for more. I don’t want to go back to being all alone, but I can’t be the side piece. I canNOT.

So I’ll message that other guy back. And see where it goes. And I’ll keep an ear open to see how that convo goes as well. But I think we both know that this already changes things…. Immensely.

[myunapologeticthoughts]

Back at it again with the endless rant of nothingness.

It’s been, what 2 weeks, since I’ve been “idkwtfwd” with this guy. This guy who I thought was different but just might be a slightly different shade of crazy.

I mean the rollercoaster he’s had me on. I’m still struggling to process it all.

Okay so I’ll lay it out as best as I can..

He knows how to share just enough of himself to make you feel as if he trust you enough. And also acts as if everything he does to you is to make YOU feel good.

But it’s really toxic af. Toxic for sleeping with me and then the next day say you only did it to make me feel good. And that you never wanted it, ergo making me feel as if I took advantage of you.

Toxic for then turning around to say we should slow it down, and then proceeding to have phone sex when tabling sex was YOUR idea to begin with.

Even more toxic for doing it all over again even after I tried to stop things from progressing.

Is this what you’re really about? The main reason you’ve been “going though shit”? Because you seem to be your own undoing, and I’m not trying to fix you but it’s as if you want me to help you self destruct yourself.

This is not what I want. This feel really unhealthy and I know it’s still early enough to get out of it but I’m actually trying here. And I hardly ever try.

But I can’t be the only one fighting to make this work. Because then that will be the plot of our life, and I can’t live like this forever.

[myunapologeticthoughts]

Woossah.

I needed that today.. I mean allllll of him.

Hopefully he doesn’t break my heart. It’s only been a few days but mannn he makes me want to do for him what he does for me.

Whoamahgod..

[myunapologeticthoughts]

Fuck you for giving me false hope yet again.

…

I hope you burn 🔥

[myunapologeticthoughts]

UGH.

As if the state of the world (and my mental state) isn’t enough reason to be in a bad mood.

Recently (this week), my family and I got scammed out of $1800. All because they wanted something that we don’t even really need.

I’m so pissed, and I’m annoyed that I’m being made out to be the bad guy. Even though I warned against even trying to obtain the foolish thing. The whole thing was super sketchy from the beginning. AND not to mention I loaned more than 3/4 of the $ we got scammed for.

All I want to do is erase this horrid thing from my memory. Just to think of it all as an experiment in which my gamble did not pay off.

I’m so sick of being the rock for other people when I spend my days feeling like a puddle of sadness.

It’s just not fucking fair. And I’m trying to be okay but I’m really not okay.

Just need to get out of here. I don’t have a safe place to just BE. Instead I’m forced to wear this facade of strength. Because I’m stuck here. For now.

Fuck it all.

[myunapologeticthoughts]

What. The. Fuck.

This guys just asked if I’d let him go down on me. After we went on 3 dates in which he never made a move. Didn’t try to hold my hand, grab a titty, or kiss me. Just a hug hello and goodbye.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand what dating is supposed to be like these days.

Is communication real or just a concept? Did I miss something?

I’m not gonna waste anymore mind juice trying to decifer this guy. Clearly everything is a big joke to him.

That message really got me over here looking like

This one is going down in the books as “yet another waste of time”.

Welp thanks for the free food I guess 🤷🏽‍♀️. See you never.

[myunapologeticthoughts]

So this guy just messaged me.

After ghosting me 3 months ago.

I don’t want to open it because I’m sure it’s just gonna be something uncaring like “hey how are you?”

Because he’s the one who ghosted me without reason, I was left to try and figure out why. And what I came up with is the connection wasn’t strong enough and he just got tired of pretending or something.

I am NOT good at opening up to ANYONE. Not people that’ve known me for years and especially not someone I just met. I can be polite to the death, but to really let go? And be myself? Yeah, being that open is not easy for me.

Deep down I’ve always believed that letting someone know ALL of me will never be enough. To keep them from leaving that is.

And of course I know I’m being unrealistic to want or expect anyone to think it’ll never ever happen.

Which is why I’ve been trying to be more open. Shit I went on three dates with this guy, and I’ll admit it felt friendly as fuck. And I never pressed the issue because that’s exactly what I need right now. It’s what I needed in February and it’s still what I need in May.

So yeah, I guess I also assumed he quit talking to me because he didn’t feel the attraction vibes from me. But I will not apologize because I went with the flow.

I’m going to eventually open the message and maybe throw a few sentences at him. But I’m fucking done.

If you can’t be an adult and admit you’re done, don’t wait 3 months later after we’ve been stuck at home to grow a conscious.

Because now you’ve given me a real good reason to never give you an inkling of my trust ever again. Fucker.

[myunapologeticthoughts]

So I’m back for a quick venting session.

Let’s see if this works at helping me feel better.

I think I’m beginning to finally figure out what it is I truly want. I want a guy that will meet me and actually want to see things through and give it a shot.

It’s probably a long shot considering ho many other girls are out there. Like who, in this day and age, would want to waste their time on me instead of keeping their options open?

What I’m trying to say is I want to be first. That’s all.

[myunapologeticthoughts]

I’m spiraling.

Downwards of course.

Just when I think things are getting better, I have another setback and it feels like the world is crashing down all around me, shit on me.

I have GOT to learn how to build a thicker skin. So what, I got a speeding ticket today less than a mile from my job. So what, I thought I’d reconnected with a guy on tinder who just ended up ghosting me again. So the fuck what, I chickened out on shooting my shot with this other guy I know nothing about but just can’t seem to stop thinking about. So what I’m still alone and probably always will if I don’t get my shit together. So what so whatsowhatsowhatsowhat....

Things are not as bad as I feel they are. I’m marginally healthy, my never ending period cramps have finally dissipated, I seem to be losing weight, and my acne breakout seems to finally be under control for the moment.

I need to start counting my wins. No matter how insignificant I think they are. I need to get my groove back.

I’m trying dammit. That’s all that counts.

Aaand I’ll get back to my pity party for tonight. Tomorrow I’ll start anew.