ended the first semester of my junior yes and it wasn’t as i thought how it’d end.
junior year having tons of units in a semester and having to comply them with time constraining deadlines sucks. I'm a communication major in journalism and i cant believe how much time consuming it takes to do the dishes and wash my hair every exam days. it surely sucks because not complaining how my school manage our time tables unlike other university but hope that by next sem we’ll be having a different kind of agenda when it comes to submissions and deadlines.
the hassle from prelims was quite confusing for i was not use to this many loads of units unlike my freshman days in medical school (the reason why i shifted), the fact that my sched is unlike the normal sched of my homies makes me feel unsettle bc i am jam pack with requirements everyday. supposed to be we have no close on tues and thurs but due to my freaking conflict sched i had a tuesday afternoon class in our philo. prelims was that moment where as i feel like im a baby, didnt really know where to begin and how to even work before, because during the first rushed week, our school decided to give us a fucking tons of works of analysis and other projects that consume half of my nut brain cell.
so as time shifted and i have’d adjust during prelims, i found the perfect picture of how should i manage my time. during midterms i was very active yet drained in different situations, i was very irritated to my relatives as for our house hold is very annoying at days and some time at night. more or less the grades that i have consumed back on prelims increase while some are decreasing which is an LMAO for me because i was in the peak of trying hard in juggling both editing and writing script and analysis and quizes to reviewing law and other subjects. i remember i got so used into sleeping at past 4am because of the editing shenaniganz for our media class where i have to seek through how my friend editing, accompanying him while some of our groupmates failed to wake up LMAO.
PS: i had to juggle doing acads works and org during that time and they gave me sm work at org which i never compensate because who am i to even try to decline an opportunity, found my art style during this prosses though very achieving !!!
then we had a kind of a long break after Christmas and NY, then comes the outbreak of ronna virus part2, some of my prof got the so called virus which made us kind of stuck with just reading and writing works and no learning ideas about it. then they had to really seek into putting all the complied work that there suppose to put the week of our health break, making us feel dead inside. had a thesis proposal which i didn't bother to start during my break because i was still clueless on what it could be. then had a post midterm exam in our theory class, another analogy test and some other random shit. had to report for our philo and my unknown groupmates that never participated made me anxious that time (hope they suffer jk jk) then had the worst of worst production project for our virtual project for valentines day. had to pre work on that, thinking and composing the flow, writing the script and each segment, finding talents and actually i had a hard time organizing every little damn shit that prod work made me. had like 4 days of editing and sorting out shits and juggling in studying for exams during that day, also was in a very rush moment in finishing my research bc i didn’t have any time to read my RRL and the last minute during the night before submission i was able to re-read and understand the mistake i made on my paper, which that God i had the time. after the presentation of our production finals, defending our thesis, understanding sm shits on law, i got the whole Saturday morning till afternoon free and then proceed into studying for theory oral recitation for monday.
monday, dear oh monday i will never forget you.
i had an exam on law at 10am which was about an hour exam and damn i am honest but i only had a 30minute review on my paper. after that i took my next exam which had a deadline until Wednesday, so i did that by Tuesday but then when i knew about the deadline i proceed into studying for my oral class at 3pm till 6, my number was 23 and i knew i couldn’t make it but i did. i had an early lunch and a coffee beside me, because i was anxious of what my prof would ask about us and stuff like this, i was anxious because a lot of people were actually asking me, juggling the fact i had to talk to my parents telling them i needed Starbucks, but we had a miscommunication that made me feel very sad and angry about them.
after i finished my exam i rush downstairs to get a muffin and water, i had to talk to my parents which by the time they answered the call it wasn’t even what i wanted them to say to me, they just complained about my responsibility, telling me to hand the money to my tito because the pay was overdue, but by that time i knew i was suck between “do they even want to talk to me” to “what kind of parents are they”, because i was expecting they’ll be saying “how's your exam, or what are you doing are you okay?” but no, we get response like that and those responses they gave me made me angry and question them for idk how many times. suddenly feelings come crushing and i ended the call crying, sobbing so hard telling to my self that i did well, that there's still tomorrow but we can do this, i wrote in my journal saying that i had enough of these mistreatments and nonsense of these boomers because the time i was crying i felt like something in me died.
today, i realize that pain was what i have only felt this semester. that i hid the fucking pain for months just for me to focus on the goal but its never making me happy. these semester made me want to give up on life so many times but i dint thinking that after i graduate i would just smash my diploma in their faces and leave because all i ever wanted was too feel free without them. i realize how i can only live alone, that maybe i have them as my parents but would they even care? maybe at some point but not really.
the struggle of giving up was a thread point in me but i never did, only the dream that i had for my self is my seeking point to never give up.
that we only have ourselves <3
