being mutuals with julie on instagram has been both a blessing and a curse. not to be the 'everything happens for a reason' guy but unfortunately that's how we rationalize things in this house so that we don't fully go insane. here's the thing: i sent her a follow request. a day later she accepted the request and followed me back.
fact: if she didn't want her former student to be following her, she would have declined the request.
fact: nothing stopped her from declining the request.
maybe-fact: if she didn't find me interesting, even at the very slightest, she would not have followed me back.
all of these are true unless she's also a serial people pleaser who thinks it is impossible to say no to a request. which, from the brief period of time that i've known her, seems highly unlikely. if i were to guess, she's the kind of person who doesn't think social media's a big deal at all. she probably has a healthy relationship with it and treats her account as a memory keeper and doesn't attach her entire self-worth into a measly collection of images presented for a hypothetical audience.
god i wish i had her confidence and her outlook.
anyway, all that to say: i have to remind myself that she followed me on her own will; nobody forced her to follow me and certainly nobody is forcing her to keep looking at my pictures so of fucking course she doesn't hate me. she has no reason to. it's so silly that i need to force these thoughts to fight the loud, negative ones.
but despite these logical streams of thought, i am TERRIFIED that she finds me corny or stupid or lame -- god that's the worst -- because i really, really, really want her to like me. i want to be her friend. it sounds unbelievable given my history of crushes, but actually don't want to be her lover, i just want to be her friend. the only problem is i don't feel deserving of her friendship because she seems miles smarter and more cultured and infinitely better than me and i am one self-loathing bitch.
she views my stories willingly.
fact: she could very well just be tapping on her screen, trying to see if she can finish viewing the entire row of pink circles.
maybe-fact: viewing my story doesn't mean anything to her.
oh god please get me out of this misery.
i should just talk to her, shouldn't i?
i mean i did already go through all the motions so why should i stop here? (because you're still a loser, that's why) i do want to dm her someday soon but right now i'm fine with just being mutuals. i don't want to add to the stress and i want to make sure i'm in a relatively more stable place than i am now. like if this is the universe's way of pushing me to make new connections, i'm not going to do it hastily. i need to make sure she thinks i'm not some loser creep who wants to get into her pants.
