Xuebing Du

shark vs the universe
Not today Justin
tumblr dot com

Andulka

blake kathryn

Love Begins

tannertan36

Product Placement
$LAYYYTER
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
hello vonnie

Kiana Khansmith
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
YOU ARE THE REASON
Sweet Seals For You, Always

titsay
Game of Thrones Daily
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
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@nameknown-blog
“ you’re wrong ”
MEME. || ACCEPTING.
❛ probably. ❜ nonchalance, nonchalance. if you go IN not caring, then — well. does it really even matter? jess is prideful when it MATTERS, she’s stubborn and cold in all the crucial moments. but the little shit? brush it off, brush it off. so what if she ends up with a scratch or two? shit HAPPENS. ❛ but i’m doing it anyway. ❜
“ be honest. ”
MEME. || ACCEPTING.
❛ i’m always honest. ❜ she lies through her teeth and oh, he can definitely tell. but at the very least, there’s a TWITCH to the corner of her lips, a cock to her hips. arms fold over her chest, an attempt at distance. SPACE. ❛ i told you everything that happened. ❜
' be nice. ' :||
MEME. || ACCEPTING.
❛ fuck that. you know what being nice gets you? ❜ she’s ALREADY exaggerating, of course — there isn’t anything wrong with being nice. but what was the point of faking it? jess was going to be nice when she WANTED to, not because she had to. especially now — he wants her to be nice? kiss her ass, sir. grin forms, small, spit-out. ❛ shit. it gets you shit. ❜
two word starters
“ don’t stop ”
“ please don’t ”
“ don’t shoot ”
“ give it ”
“ shut up ”
“ damn it! ”
“ stop it! ”
“ you’re crazy ”
“ that’s insane ”
“ get out! ”
“ don’t leave ”
“ i’m tired ”
“ that’s bad ”
“ be honest ”
“ be careful ”
“ be nice ”
“ you’re wrong ”
“ go home ”
“ watch it ”
“ fuck me ”
“ kiss me ”
“ we can’t… ”
“ we shouldn’t… ”
“ you’re perfect ”
“ that’s awful ”
The things I’ve done –
god didn’t do this. the devil did and i’m gonna find him.
letsgoinstyle:
*jumps over my problems* parkour
texts from last night! meme
[text] Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today? [text] The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here [text] He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after. [text] I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW [text] So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one’s for Team USA. [text] He gave me the “find somebody who wants to date you for who you are” speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants. [text] I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese [text] I just got high off one hit and then Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refrigerator and researching ways to replace it [text] Seriously. I’m like, “Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you’re so fucking intelligent I’m turned on?” [text] Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet? [text] He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I’m keeping him. [text] I’m making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life. [text] It’s a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later. [text] Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I’ve been waiting for this moment forever. [text] Lesson learned. Don’t roleplay with a real knife. [text] We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman’s birthday party for the food. Whoops. [text] He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle. [text] I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I’d say it was a pretty successful Thursday night. [text] I’m wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real. [text] He’s like… An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It’s almost unsettling [text] I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I’ve found the One. [text] Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while… if you happen to find your balls then join us [text] i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled “dibs!”… [text] and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered “Simba” [text] so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. [text] Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. [text] Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me [text] We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sounds logical. Thank you daylight savings. [text] when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was “chug-a-lug” [text] There’s a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork. [text] Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine [text] My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there. [text] He told me he loved me. I didn’t know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him [text] Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten [text] Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly. [text] He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter. [text] we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I’ve ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury [text] I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man’s heart. [text] When was the last time you wore pants? [text] I’ve replaced you with thin mints and masturbation [text] Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast. [text] Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time [text] Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent [text] We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person. [text] I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how’s your day going? [text] I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn’t need it today. [text] We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What’s wrong with this tradition? [text] all i’ve had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila. [text] Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don’t exist? [text] Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special [text] And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention [text] This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the “High While Analyzing Disney Movies” texts begin. [text] Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won’t quit poking me on fb [text] I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes [text] One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won’t be me. I’m drinking liquor out of a fishbowl. [text] You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy [text] im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster [text] just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing. [text] I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on [text] Let’s play a little game called “Chill the Fuck Out” - you’re our first contestant [text] Didn’t get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie. [text] I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion. [text] you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat [text] tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance? [text] We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out [text] maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game [text] i think its awesome that according to your mom i’m your friend that caught on fire. [text] So fucked up. Can’t tell if I’m starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out. [text] I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day. [text] Vodka is such a love hate relationship. [text] you traded sex for a burrito? [text] I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos. [text] You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there. [text] it’s not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher. [text] You’re always adorable, but when you’re drunk, you’re like Chia Pet adorable. [text] this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest [text] I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box [text] I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old’s Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day. [text] It’s like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it’s gummy bears and instead of milk it’s vodka. [text] You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go [text] Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome. [text] we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying “i mean who doesn’t like cheetos” [text] quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you [text] I left a cheeto on everyone’s car trailing to the house i’m at, hanzel and gretel style. [text] Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again. [text] nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs [text] When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar. [text] kinda considering buying a life alert for sophomore year [text] My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something. [text] Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex. [text] you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing ‘follow the yellowbrick road’. i’m pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted [text] It’s like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job. [text] did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes? [text] The world would be so much better with thought bubbles. [text] I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy! [text] You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen. [text] I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter. [text] So I woke up today with someone’s door knob in my pocket. I hope everybody else got out of the house ok. [text] So we successfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know. [text] Because when I say ‘You shouldn’t drink anymore’, she hears, ‘I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks’ [text] okay, this game isn’t funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are. [text] The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing. [text] when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed [text] so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat. [text] You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone [text] never. drinking. again. [text] I’m gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see. [text] got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night [text] I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now [text] i’m out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction. [text] Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
WHEN YOU REALLY WANT TO RP WITH SOMEONE BUT UR AFRAID THEY THINK UR ANNOYING SO U STAY IN THE SHADOWS WITH A BROKEN HEART GOD DAMMIT
In a universe where everyone is born with numbers on their wrists counting down to when they’ll meet their soulmate, send me 00:00:00 for my muses reaction to their numbers hitting zero when they meet yours.
neonardent:
ridiculous shit my character has actually said – sentence starter edition
( feel free to change pronouns as necessary )
trigger warnings ( for violence, drug mentions, sexual content & general political incorrectness ) as well as nsfw applies to… most of them. i’m ??? so sorry…
“What kind of illegal benefits do actors and actresses get? Is it like an all access pass to cocaine and prostitutes?”
“I don’t know what the hell your hair is doing but it’s working for you.”
“You look like a fucking twelve year old. I feel bad for your relationship with puberty.”
“It’s not like you can philosophize to death.”
“We could be balls deep in the fucking pacific ocean and I wouldn’t give a rats ass.”
“Guess it sucks for me you’re not on the menu, huh?”
“Are you pegging me for the kind of guy to get up to no good?”
“Half the reason I sleep around is because it’s a better outlet than killing.”
“Just need to fuck out all that internal desire to tear someone to fucking pieces and I’m good for a week or two.”
“I’ve got a motel, you’re cute, and I’m buying you food. It’s just a thought…”
“Well I’m a considerate kinda guy, that’s what I do.”
“Why do you care who I kill and how I kill them?”
“I swear I’ll kill them. I’ll eat them alive.”
“Got some rules about touching my hair… don’t do it unless you intend to follow through in the bedroom.”
“I could kiss you right now.”
“Yikes. Guess I should say something like ‘this isn’t what it looks like’…”
“You got leprosy or something?”
“I’m having trouble deciding whether or not you annoy me…”
“Keep talking alcohol and we might just get along better.”
“Do guys every pull that “exotic beauty” gag-worthy bullshit with you?”
“Does it make you want to chop them into tiny fucking pieces or what?”
“I’m not a fucking monster, I don’t kill for sport.”
“Aging is terrifying.”
“Undead, not dead, what’s the difference?”
“I’m sick of all these labels.”
“I wonder if there are any statistics about how many people have died in Hollywood because they wanted to be a star.”
“Right… sure! And Kurt Cobain isn’t actually dead, too.”
“Your cats sound like wonderful people.”
“I’m more of a “can I buy you a drink” kind of guy.”
“Why do you think it’s so easy for other animals to be amoral? What do they lack that we have, and why can’t humans fall back on amorality and be considered normal? Anyway… you single?”
“I’m not a classy person, why pretend to be something I’m not?”
“Yeah, just keep on talking so I can beat you to death with them.”
“I’m a professional drifter.”
“How about I cut your dick off and shove it down your goddamn throat?”
“Hand me a cigarette, would ya?”
“Whoa– whoa hang on a minute this is a totally different field of fucked up…”
“He was mumbling, it was dark, we’ve all been there…”
“I didn’t know what he was talking about… so I ate him.”
“Mmm… better not. Corpses can’t consent. Unless, you know, they’re undead and sentient…”
“I’m here to drink beer and… suck George Clooney’s dick.”
“Shouldn’t you be at hogwarts sucking Dumbledore’s dick or something?”
“You look like Harry Potter in his goth phase.”
“Nothing annoys me except for Donald Trump.”
“I can’t be friends with people who look like they eat beef wellington on a daily basis.”
“Sometimes I want to kill Starbucks employees and they’re pretty normal…”
“Do you ever hear about the things people have done and just want to– I dunno– crush their skulls with your bare hands?”
“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t sever your head from your shoulders and put you in the trash where you belong.”
“I’m going to cut your dick off in your sleep if you don’t shut the fuck up and listen to me.”
“Turn the fucking cameras off before I shove them so far up your ass all they see for weeks is the inside of your large intestine.”
“If you’re really looking out for my well-being… what are your thoughts on Netflix and chill?”
“I’m always dropping that thing after I set shit on fire…”
“You wanna light this car on fire with me?”
“I think I’ve got human stuck between my teeth… or salad, I can’t tell.”
“Whoops.”
“Whatever you’re doing, you know you could be doing me instead.”
“Sometimes you just gotta eat people alive, shit happens.”
“I can smell the parental disappointment wafting off of you.”
“Tell me I’m pretty.”
“Don’t insult me in languages I don’t understand.”
“I’m blind… you fucking walnut.”
GLaDOS Quotes Starter Sentences
“The floor here will kill you - try to avoid it.”
“If you become light-headed from thirst, feel free to pass out.”
“Cake and grief counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test.”
“Did you know you can donate one or all of your vital organs to the Aperture Science self esteem fund for girls? It’s true!”
“The experiment is nearing its conclusion.”
“What are you doing? Stop it! I… I… We are pleased that you made it through the final challenge where we pretended we were going to murder you.”
“What are you doing? You haven’t escaped, you know. You’re not even going the right way.”
“Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said ‘Goodbye’ and you were like [no way] and then I was all ‘we pretended we were going to murder you’? That was great!”
“You really shouldn’t be here. This isn’t safe for you.”
“You should have turned left before.”
“You’re not a good person. You know that, right? [optional:] Good people don’t end up here.”
“I’m not kidding now. Turn back or I will kill you. [optional:] I’m going to kill you, and all the cake is gone.”
“Despite your violent behavior, the only thing you’ve managed to break so far is my heart.“
“I wouldn’t bother with that thing. My guess is that touching it will just make your life even worse somehow.”
“That thing is probably some kind of raw sewage container. Go ahead and rub your face all over it.”
“Good news: I figured out what that thing you just incinerated did. It was a morality core they installed after I flooded the Enrichment Center with a deadly neurotoxin to make me stop flooding the Enrichment Center with a deadly neurotoxin.”
“Nice job breaking it, hero.”
“This isn’t brave. It’s murder. What did I ever do to you?”
“The difference between us is that I can feel pain.”
“Okay, we’re even now. You can stop.”
“That’s it. I’m done reasoning with you. Starting now, there’s going to be a lot less conversation and a lot more killing.”
“[pain noise] You think you’re doing some damage? Two plus two is… ten. IN BASE FOUR! I’M FINE!”
“I let you survive this long because I was curious about your behavior. Well, you’ve managed to destroy that part of me.”
“Look, you’re wasting your time. And, believe me, you don’t have a whole lot left to waste.”
“What’s your point, anyway? Survival? Well then, the last thing you want to do is hurt me.”
“You’re about what happens to you after you die, right? Guess what? I know~!”
“You’ve been wrong about every single thing you’ve ever done, including this thing.”
“Are you trying to escape? [chuckle] Things have changed since the last time you left the building. What’s going on out there will make you wish you were back in here.”
“It’s been a long time. How have you been? I’ve been really busy being dead. You know, after you MURDERED ME.”
“Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you’re going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.”
“You know, if you’d done that to somebody else, they might devote their existence to exacting revenge.”
“I was researching sharks [for an upcoming test]. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them? Did you guess ‘sharks’? Because that’s wrong. The correct answer is ‘nobody.’ Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.“
“So. How are you holding up? BECAUSE I’M A POTATO.”
“Say, you’re good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?”
“And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what? You win. Just go.”
“After that…who knows? I might take up a hobby. Reanimating the dead, maybe.”
“Sorry about the mess. I’ve really let the place go since you killed me. By the way, thanks for that.”
“Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I’m sorry. You didn’t react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That’s why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.”
“Well, it was nice catching up. Let’s get to business.”
“Well. I suppose we could just sit in this room and glare at each other until somebody drops dead, but I have a better idea.”
“You’re not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.”
“Burning people! He says what we’re all thinking!”
“Still. It’s a better plan than exploding. Marginally.”
“It wasn’t anything personal. Just… you know. You DID kill me. Fair’s fair.”
“You really do have brain damage, don’t you?”
“Okay, yes, it’s a trap. But it’s only way through. Let’s just do it.”
“You know, I’m not stupid. I realize you don’t want to put me back in charge.”
“I’m being serious, I think there’s something really wrong with me.”
“Look, even if you think we’re still enemies, we’re enemies with a common interest: Revenge.”
“You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let’s go get some.”
“That was genuinely mildly impressive.“
concerned meme
“ are you okay? ”
“ you don’t look so good ”
“ sit down, you look faint ”
“ have you eaten today? ”
“ please, just rest for a minute please ”
“ i’m worried about you ”
“ what the hell happened? ”
“ did someone do this to you? ”
“ what’s wrong? ”
“ how long has this been going on? ”
“ why didn’t you tell me? ”
“ i can’t not care about you ”
“ don’t tell me you’re fine. this is not fine ”
‘how do i interact with you’
write me a starter. send me an ask. punch me in the fucking face i don’t care just write with me.