Who Are You?

[nanamarquez02]

I never said this, I think I use a tumbler a lot as my diary but I haven't written in it for a while. I made the decision to isolate myself and live dedicated to myself, not because I don't miss or like my friends but because I know that I'm still in the gray area of ​​my life and it's difficult to pretend that I'm even remotely happy around them. I think they know me too well. This state is not good for me and much less for them, I see them moving on with their lives and achieving what they want and that makes me genuinely happy for all of this and for more and more. I had this realization after trying to vent to one of them and she just told me "don't do that to us", then I realized that I was hurting him and that's something I don't admit to doing, I don't hurt people for my personal good or for my personal advantage. It may not have seemed like it at the time, but that's what I was feeling. Even though they won't see him, I know I owe him an apology, I'm just as disappointed as you are.

[nanamarquez02]

I'm listening to Justin Bieber right now.

He once told me I was Ariana Grande and he was Mac Miller. Today I see that we were Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber. I developed a disease or system failure that I never thought I would develop and now my body will never be the same, it takes drugs, makes songs about us and comes back a thousand times even though it always says it will never do it again. I was never a fan of the couple. I've always loved Rihanna and Asap's dynamic. When I was younger I said I wanted to be like Rihanna and seeing myself in the role of Selena Gomez or Ariana Grande disappoints me. In fact, I preferred to be Ariana, she left with dignity and mutual love that reached friendship. I don't want to be Selena, I never saw myself in her, I always thought she was weak and too much of a victim and I always saw Justin as an abuser. Maybe she didn't have rules, the bad thing is not having rules and thinking that this is minimally good, I can't stay in this until after 30 like them. I would be beside myself. I don't want to hear songs about myself anymore, it makes me anxious. I killed everyone, I blocked everyone, I don't want them to see me, ever.

[nanamarquez02]

Omg, so cute. It’s meeeee

Love that ❤️❤️

[nanamarquez02]

[nanamarquez02]

If I could tell you how much I miss you, maybe you would look at me the wrong way. I wonder if you feel mine, maybe not, maybe you already have someone else to give you what I didn't give you, but what was it that I didn't give you. I have to get out of here, I have to move forward, that's what I should have done and yet it seems like I can't do it, it seems like I'm still waiting for you to scream my name, it might be too late. Will you one day realize how much I loved you? I don't recognize myself anymore, I've been this chaotic person for a long time when I just wanted to have loved you in a stable and peaceful way without having lived through it all, I can't hold my head anymore, I think I just want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay instead of trying to hold back the tears every now and then. I don't want to keep you in my heart, you can't live here anymore, I don't have good memories anymore, I haven't seen you in a while and I never realized.

[nanamarquez02]

The strange thing is that you never know if the letters just changed their answers because you asked them several times or if you're watching the person you once dreamed of building a family slowly stop loving you and you come to the conclusion that maybe they won't come back. I often wonder if it's me or I was the problem, if I ever brought something good to him and to our relationship, maybe not, maybe I destroyed it without realizing it or I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have left, maybe...

The truth is that I loved him immensely, and maybe I still love him, but honestly I don't even know anymore. I'm stuck in this tornado of sadness without really knowing why, I think about him every now and then and when I don't think, someone does. If you ask me if I've moved on, I don't know how to answer, maybe yes, maybe no, but I'll never have an answer. The truth is that I miss my friends, the times when I didn't cry and sometimes I wish I hadn't met this person. I remember my last relationship before that, my ex said I was the healthiest relationship he had ever had, what happened after that?

[nanamarquez02]

I had said I was going to talk about my dreams. Maybe I'm to blame, but I'm more of a precognizer and that scares me like anything, lately I've been having some strange dreams and maybe I shouldn't talk about them but I won't tell the person who appears in all of them consecutively.

I will do a series as a mini story that refers to dreams.

[nanamarquez02]

I already posted it on Instagram but as this is a safe space I want to keep it here because I love the drawing and it has an important meaning

[nanamarquez02]

[nanamarquez02]

[nanamarquez02]

I haven't been feeling very pretty lately, just tired. I need the air of Switzerland, that's where I had my biggest glow up. It must be from the air

[nanamarquez02]

Do you believe in cards and the universe or God? Sometimes it feels like there's a huge noise and everything is talking to me out of nowhere. I've been having strange dreams about a specific person. If you want me to see you today, I don't know why, but I can come and tell you what they were. The truth is that he stopped following me as soon as I posted about my feelings, it seems like a mirror of what I already did to him, it even seems ironic.

[nanamarquez02]

I'm freaking out.

I'm going to change countries, another culture, other people, other possibilities and another world. A radical change that I never thought I would make so quickly, but here we are a few days into the trip, ready to pack our bags and go after what I want in my life and be happy.

Sometimes not, sometimes I miss something, more than someone, but then I feel happy, because that person is growing and I am doing so too. I don't look back, I bring the people I love in my suitcase and I leave all the hate and pain that existed, I don't want them with me I don't like the past I'm not a museum to hold on to that.

[nanamarquez02]

5 publicações!

[nanamarquez02]

I loved you so much. For the first time I loved, I saw something so delicate in my hands - I panicked, I didn't know how to love you, I was afraid of losing you, even more of hurting you. I just wanted to give you the world, keep you in a box and never let you go.

I didn't know how to love you, I didn't know how to act even when I thought I knew.

I didn't have to lose you to know that I love you, but I had to ask you to learn to love

[nanamarquez02]

I love you, even though I don't know if I'll ever see you again.

[nanamarquez02]

This is too much for me. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired, I never healed when you arrived, now that you've gone you've only opened up what was there more.

I just wanted to forget what happened, pretend that nothing happened until I completely forgot, but you never let me - you said you didn't know how to accept a no when I just wanted to hear a yes.

I give up, I give up on running after someone that God fights so hard to take away.