Whole
She knew he wouldn’t be violent. It was a frustrating thing to want so desperate to fight someone she knew wouldn’t. fight. back. It was pity, she would lose the moment he decided to fight and she knew that, she knew because she HAD fought him. Five, six years ago the day maria fell she saw him, spitting fire and ruining lives. She didn’t want him to touch her because the moment he began helping her up, Nanaba knew she was truly useless. So she pushed herself back up with the counter. So she pulled herself up, avoiding the shame in his eyes. “Erwin still should have taken a hand for good measure.” She coughed, grabbing her crutch and forcing it under her arm to support herself. Nanaba didn’t know what she wanted, in the moment she wanted him to just…not exist. To have none of this exist and it was all some kind of fucked up dream the blond would wake up from. She was angry, no…angry wasn’t the correct word. “Don’t help me then!” She snapped back to him quickly, waiting for the throbbing pain in her body to fade before trying to leave, her body hurt with pains she was trying to ignore, angry tears began to swim in her eyes and she gripped her crutch tightly.
“No. No it doesn’t mean anything to me. In fact it IS worse Reiner.” She snapped, his name like acid on her lips making her whole throat hurt. “You’re help, your pity or shame or whatever is not wanted. You can’t come to me, saying you are sorry. You don’t get the luxury of forgiveness with the lives you ruined and stole. It;s insulting to have you come up to me and say you are sorry about it, like the child I thought you weren’t!” Was she crying now? She couldn’t tell, her whole body throbbed with emotions and she swayed on her crutch. “If you really wanted to stop. If you really wanted to help me, us, Why didn’t you do it in UTGUARD. We gave our lives for you and that bastard, My whole squad, my fucking leg and all you have to to say is sorry?!” Her voice cracked from emotions, from volume. It probably carried to other solider’s who could hear down the all. “It’s not good enough!” She let out a sob and her head dropped, shoulders shaking. “It will never be good enough you coward.”
Golden hues watch her, shaking slightly as the words spilled from her mouth. He knew he deserved it, and no one else dared be so open and unrestrained about it. It was probably why everyone went out of their way to make sure they didn’t cross paths. Erwin wouldn’t dream of reprimanding Nanaba considering all she’d been through.
“Well some of us can’t make choices we don’t regret. I didn’t even remember anything about the walls when we were in Utgard, I may be a coward but I am not a liar. I hid all that guilt from being dealt with and eventually it all just stayed away. I wasn’t even close to the same person I was, even now I’m not who I used to be.” It was beyond difficult trying to figure out just which Reiner was the real one. There was the one that grew with his comrades, and the one that got stalled as a young child. Reiner still couldn’t tell which one he was becoming for good, but he wasn’t hiding from it now, at least that much had changed.
“I can’t say enough to make up for what I did, but not saying sorry is worse than nothing. Words just fall miles short, even actions probably wont be enough. But I can’t not try.” He watched her carefully as she wobbled in place, whether she wanted him to or not he would definite. Reiner didn’t want to be around her if she didn’t want him to be, and it was blatantly obvious she didnt. But there was one thing he wanted her to know, “I really did enjoy the time with you. And I think a lot of what you taught me convinced me to come back. I had to fight for a long time with Bertholdt to convince him it was right.” She was responsible for a lot of Reiner realizing that what they thought was right wasn’t. That they were on the wrong side the whole time. “If you don’t need anything else, I’ll leave you alone and try to stay out of your way, since it doesn’t seem to be good for you at all. The blonde soldier turned to leave, I just wanted you to know the impact you had on us coming back. Humanity really would have been doomed had we returned home.” He didn’t realize how much influence she had on changing things until now.
His words struck her to silence, Her jaw tightened to a grit at she was too tired to even try to revert into herself as the wash of wordss to perfect to hear shattered her anger. She didn’t want to forgive him, Nanaba knew the face of the person that caused her grief, it was a face she could blame...his face. The string of betrayal was the catalyst that made Reiner the focal point for everything, everything that happened. Nanaba didn’t know what to do if all the loss was blameless once again.
But damnit, damnit...why now, even now he reminded her of Mike. She couldn’t meet his eyes, Nanaba was too scared to now. Her anger melted to grief, an emotion more brutal than anger could ever be and it poisoned her body, her soul didn’t have the urge to live anymore. But Mike always fought, to the very end, no matter how hopeless or useless to always fight -to always try. Just like he was trying now. Her body had given up on trying not to look useless, and she fell a second time, crashing against the counter, pain blossoming up her body. Nanaba couldn’t bring herself to care. Her good hand raised to her face, shielding her eyes from Reiner. Worried the moment she will look upon that monster she will only see Mike, and the young man she had known. It was too late, the facade was breaking and the pain was tearing her asunder. Nanaba was completely shattered. “He always loved you.” She choked, her voice stunted, hollow and she gripped her face hard. “I think he always knew....he could smell it on you...He did everything to protect you.” Her body was shaking now, quivering as though it finally realized how truly small she was. “Please don’t leave...” She hiccuped, her nails digging into her temple. She wouldn’t forgive him, she didn’t want to...so many deaths, so much pain because of him...but at the same time he was a connection she didn’t want to lose...
“I can’t lose him again.”
