I love talking with neurotypical people about my executive dysfunction because I'm like "yeah there's this invisible wall in my head that I'm incapable of getting past no matter what I do and it stops me from doing things" and they're like what the actual fuck
you are 16. you are talking with a gay man in his 50s or 60s, a friend, huge and gentle with a scarf and short fluffy curls of gray hair, who has directed you in two plays staged in your mid-size artsy town. (he has not yet asked you to be in his production of The Laramie Project which will change your life. this conversation will also change your life.)
he is talking about theatre. he is talking about theatre when he was younger. he says, "of course, it was AIDS then." in the pause, you ask him. clumsy and quiet and 16 and "straight," you ask him. what was it like.
he takes a moment in which his face is not like a person's face. "there was a time," he says, "i'm not sure how long, years. when i went to a funeral every weekend." he tells you about two funerals in a day, and choosing between friends when you couldn't make it to both. he does not look at you, he looks at them. his wet grey gaze is so clear that you start to see ghosts. it will be years before you understand why it feels like your grief too. why the ghosts call you family.
when i wrote this post, i didn't expect very many people to read it. i figured it wasn't the kind of thing people liked to read and reblog, but it was late at night, and i was remembering this person, and i was crying, and i had to write it out. so i did.
to this day no other post gets sent to me so often by friends who have encountered it as a repost on some other site. the idea that more than one hundred thousand people have read these words, and know this story now, and maybe feel as i did, is tremendously humbling and unbearably beautiful to me. even by accident, even just passing on a story that is not my own, i often think that it is the best thing i have ever done.
So, first thing you need to know is that is a very visibly healthy adult green iguana. Every part of the iguana is sharp. The claws evolved to haul a ten pound lizard up a tree. The spines are like tiny icepicks. The tail is a bullwhip. The teeth evolved to shred leaves, but they'll just as easily shred your flesh. Good luck making a healthy adult iguana do anything they don't wanna. That puts us on our first thing to look at- is the animal capable of defense and getting away, physically? Yes, definitely.
Next thing to know is what does a threatened or scared iguana look like? When an iguana is threatened, it doesn't stand on its hind legs like that; it stands on all fours and puffs itself up to look bigger, aggressively bobs its head (note: head bobbing is a behavior used for a LOT of things, it does need context- for example, they also head bob as part of mating displays), there is hissing, there is tail whipping- iguanas are not subtle creatures. None of this is the behavior of an iguana that feels threatened or is being a threat!
So what does standing like that mean? That's just simple reaching. The iguana sees something they want and is attempting to reach it, and what they want appears to be uppies, because they settle into the human's grip immediately.
Then, we see some GREAT handling from the human. There's really great communication happening between the two of them! The person picks up the iguana very securely- pelvis and pectoral girdles are well supported, and he doesn't grab. (Iguanas typically do NOT like being grabbed around the sides; many of their predators are birds and coming at them from above or gripping the sides is scary!)
As he goes in for the pet, he lets the iguana support their back half on his knee. The hold is secure but not tight; at any point, if the iggy was distressed, they could leave. But they don't- instead, you see them leaning into the pets, actively participating in the behavior. They're not even closing their eyes to block stimulus. They want this to happen.
This is the kind of bond that's possible when you can prove to a big lizard that you're trustworthy, and easily the best iguana video I've seen in a long time. Thank you for tagging me in!
Some green iguana body language resources under the jump!
Barten 2003. Green Iguana Management and Husbandry. Iguana: Journal of the International Iguana Society. I refer to this guy a lot when thinking about iguana behavior because even though the Green Iguana Husbandry issue of Iguana came out 22 years ago, Steve is a member of my herp society and has forgotten more about iguanas than any of us will ever know.
Burghardt 1977. Social behavior in hatchling green iguanas: life at a reptile rookery. Science.
Yes, Burghardt's iguana stuff is older. Yes, it's still highly relevant in the world of reptile ethology. If you can get your hands on a copy of Iguanas of the World, it's amazing how well it holds up.
Kaplan- everything on anapsid.org is at least 10 years old, but that doesn't change how valuable some of it is. Melissa knows her stuff, she just can't have iguanas anymore and unfortunately her health interferes a lot with what she wants to do.
Behavior article collection
Change-Related Stress in Green Iguanas and Other Reptiles
Interpreting Non-Breeding Behaviors in Green Iguanas
Testosterone, Aggression, and Green Iguanas
Köhler 2003. Green Iguana Communication. Iguana: Journal of the International Iguana Society.
Rice et al. 2022. Heads Nods and Boat Bobs: Behavior of Iguana Iguana Is Affected by Environment and Boat Traffic in Riparian Tropical Forest. Biotropica.
Darren Naish wrote a cool blog post for Tetrapod Zoology that's got a lot of social behavior observations! His blogs are always backed up with great sources and evidence.
obsessed with how fixable society is, on a structural level.
obsessed with how all you need to do is throw money at public education and eliminate most standardized testing and you will start getting smarter, more engaged, kinder adults. obsessed with how giving people safe housing, reliable access to good food, and decent wages dramatically reduces drug overdoses and gun violence. obsessed with how much people actually want to get together and fix infrastructure, invent new ways of helping each other, and create global ways of living sustainably once you give them livable pay to do so. obsessed with how tracking diseases, developing medicines, and improving public health becomes so much easier when you just make healthcare free at point of use.
obsessed with how easy it all becomes, if we can just figure out how to wrench the wealth out of the hands of the hoarders.
i've lived in four different cities in my adult life and talked to literally tens of thousands of people about politics and the change they want to see in the world and the overwhelming majority of them wanted life to be better, happier, easier for everyone, and dreamed of that world. the only people who didn't think that way were A) really obviously in need of mental/medical care, or B) rich.
wanting universal free healthcare, well-funded public education, and social support for all people is the most unbelievably normie opinion that exists, even among people who have lots of bad or misguided opinions about other things. when you feel alone, know that the reason you feel that way is billions of dollars are being spent to obscure the fact that you are in the majority.
also hating men begs the question of where you draw the line between men and women.
how butch does a butch have to be before you start classifying them as a man and therefore hateable.
how male does a multigender person have to be before they're too male to deserve your kindness.
how can you tell what someone is at a glance.
will you even be kind to a pre-transition/non-transitioning trans woman, at this point?
at what point are you not just dehumanizing people based on an arbitrary selection of physical traits. or do you think some traits make someone irrevocably, irreversibly male, and therefore corrupted by nature?
at what point is that not terf rhetoric.
thank you so much, i really love this. you articulated so many points i left out.
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