I feel so empty.
today, I was with a man. his persistence is quite interesting. I haven't been good to him at all. he keeps trying, knowing I can't offer him whatever he wants. we exchanged updates on our lives and he kept telling me I was making him nervous. which was hilarious considering I wasn't even remotely trying to. he got me food and I told him I liked his hat so he let me have it. he said he's getting a car next month, wants to take me for a spin sometime. looking for a passenger princess. I laughed at this. he held my hand and helped me cross the roads, covered me with the umbrella and made a joke about how that's how royalty security personnel felt. he's more than a foot taller than me. quite tall, people on the road stare at him whenever we walk together. he kept going meters away from me to take calls. I wanted to tell him I really didn't care. considering I haven't spoken to him in 3 weeks, he'd sent me so many messages and I was experiencing some sort of a heartbreak so I couldn't answer. I am a horrible woman, in some ways. he knows this, we both know this. he said he might come to one of my events, just to see me again. I smiled. I felt so empty.
we look good together. someone told me that yesterday evening. he was staring at me intently, joking about how in a few years he'd probably buy me a whole wall of art if I wanted it. his arm was around me and part of me liked it, being held. the other part wanted to recoil because I haven't been feeling anything. towards anybody or anything. It sucks. I haven't spoken to him since yesterday midday, after not speaking to him for a while again. I wonder how long it'll take him to get tired of how I treat him. I should be a better person truly. I'm not sure how to though. part of me just wants to die. everything is so muddled, mentally. wish I could die and respawn with less baggage and feeling a little more. genuinely.
it’s been a year. he got me flowers 2 months ago. called them platonic flowers. he’s full of shit. he knows this. I know this. I don’t answer his calls or text him back. he keeps inviting me for dates. trying to flirt with me. we’re now in a committee together with other people. he says i’m his favorite and I brush it aside. he said we should have a drink sometime, as friends, then insisted I wear a dress or a cute skirt. he’s so shameless. sometimes I am deeply disgusted by men. most times. l find it strange that I love to be held in strong arms. pushed around, held down, handled like a flimsy little thing. it’s strange. but this man repulses me. I would never let him. he disgusts me.
