My Life @natalikadash - Tumblr Blog

Do you remember when Beyoncé shot the music video for “XO” and she accidentally stranded a couple at the top of the ferris wheel for thirty minutes?

7/29/19

This past weekend was pure shit. I’ve been wanting a drink and I haven’t slept in days from worrying. But of course, today has gone worse. I cried in public. I just feel like utter shit. Every time I talk about the thing bothering me I just can’t help but cry. The tears won’t stop rolling down my cheeks, my chest hurt and I can’t breathe, but I told myself that it wasn’t worth it. Just like all the other things that have bothered me in the past. Just let the emotions out now and deal with it by writing or typing it out.

People just suck and I hate how I want to have companionship and turns out other people just want to use you. What sucks even more is when you’ve told them about your past and how much other people have used you emotionally, financially and physically; and how they can act like they care about your feelings then crumple up in a ball as soon as they can and throw it into the fire pit and watch as you burn and scream in pain and anger at the betrayal. They don’t do anything but watch and be content and amused with what they’ve done.

You said that you saw a future of us together, where you wanted me to be there for your birthday and I wanted you to be with me on mine. You made me fall for you and knew how to use me. You told me you don’t usually do these online dating things but all you had to do was look for a cute looking enough girl who would wholeheartedly invest in you and “your future together” and help you get back on your feet. You used me as a pawn, you never loved me, and thank fucking god that I never told you I loved you. It was smart of me to wait but the feelings were there but I had to make sure that I wanted to tell you in person. Which was the smartest thing ever as I see it now.

You just knew how to make girls feel special and make them feel like they’re the only one you got but of course, you’d have another one lined up that was just better and more well off.

I can’t forgive you now. I had so much for you. For us. I helped you get back on your feet and here you are knocking me down like dirt.

God I fucking hate you. I don’t even know what this post was supposed to be anymore. I’m just fucking angry.

Update

Hey, you. It’s been a while. My prolonged exposure therapy has been put on hold the past month and a half because I have been going to rehab for alcohol. Yaaaaaay. I have been sober now for 39 days and this week has been a complete shit show. I can’t explain how depressed I am right now and how much I hate myself and how I badly I want a drink, but since I can’t, I report here instead which is safer than going to the bottle. I have been crying my eyes out and this week at IOP (intensive outpatient program), I spoke a little bit about my trauma and the sexual harassment that have been going on in my naval career. It doesn’t help that I still am a hopeless romantic especially when I already am careful with the people I talk to but I always forget that I’m just in the right mind right now for any of this love bullshit. As everyone says, you gotta love yourself before you can love someone else and just... it’s fucking hard, man. I’m trying to do all this self-care, self-love shit but I would honestly rather drown out these damn emotions right now with a bottle of whiskey. I used to numb out all these negative feelings but now I have to sit with it and learn proper coping skills to deal with this and so I’m gonna start by here. I don’t know if this will make me feel better but it’s like I’m journaling and you, whoever you are, are just being snoopy reading through my journal. I’m just kidding, obviously. But, yeah. Life has been stressful and I have 2 roommates now. One is willing to pay her share while the other still doesn’t have a job and has been here the past 2 months. I love them both but California really isn’t the cheapest state out there nor do I live in the cheapest city. If anything, it’s one of the biggest tourist destinations when you come down to Cali. FFS well now I’m just gonna end up ranting away so I’ll stop right here.

I’ll post more shit eventually. Thanks for taking the time to read this bs, by the way.

#journal #random #rant

Therapy on Pause

Therapy has been put on hold since I am now going through sobriety and stuff. This shit sucks. I might have to actually accept that I’m an alcoholic because the withdrawals are fucking real.

That was it.

Tired

I am fucking tired of people thinking that they’re better than everyone. The ones that don’t even think about other people’s feelings, especially the ones that love them unconditionally. I hate it when the person that loves them tell me that they are used to getting their hopes up then crushed. Pisses me tf off.

I know I have anger issues but people don’t have to be assholes. If you wanna be petty, then I can be even worse. People that know me know that I am not the person to piss off. My nice phase is cussing you off, after that, pray to god your eyes stay in your head/my nails don’t get near your sockets.

I’m just currently full of anger and I am exhausted and I just need to go boxing or shooting again. Fuck.

Therapy

I started going to therapy for my PTSD and man, does it suck. It hurts opening up like that and I know it’s just gonna get worse. Nothing will be easy since I’m still starting but I’m sure eventually, I’ll be okay. It doesn’t help that I like it rough because sometimes, when it gets a little too rough, I get drawn right back to the trauma. Nowadays, everyone just wants to fuck. No hanging out, no cuddles or whatever. Everything is about sex and it sucks because it makes me feel more of an outcast than I already am.

A friend at work is really trying to get me to stay in my job even though I told her I couldn’t do it because of the trauma. She believes that I have so much potential in the work I do and even more, and I really do like doing what I do but I just can’t be surrounded by a majority of men for a long period of time, which is what my job consists. I’m so tired of hiding behind this facade of smiles and laughter. I really wish that PTSD was so easy to get rid of like hunger.

Treatment is gonna be rough. And its gonna be even more rough now because I’m not allowed to drink alcohol anymore, and that was my way of hiding the pain. Hiding the fear and the humiliation. I’m always watchful now and just scared of everything. I isolate myself in the house and just talk to friends through the phone about how we should hang out sometime but end up cancelling plans last minute because the fear takes control. I miss going out alone on adventures and exploring the city and the neighborhoods. I miss shopping alone and going to the beach alone. I miss doing a lot of normal people things. Some friends tell me to just go and do it but its easier said than done. When they force me to do something I feel unsafe in, they start complaining when I get a panic attack and just want to go home. You can’t just rush people with “your own kind of treatment”. Sexual trauma isn’t a joke but most of us have dark humor and we kid about things a lot.

Pew.

#ptsd #therapy #ptsd related #depression #depressed #isolation #blog #my life

Living with major depression and PTSD

Hey. It’s been a while. I’ve been hiding this part of me through cutesy posts but it’s gotten pretty bad the past couple days. I recently got divorced just after I opened up to my psychiatrist about some past sexual trauma. I’ve been living alone in my house for a couple of weeks now and It’s just been getting worse and worse in my head. The silence is unbearable so I try to cover it with loud music or musicals but ofcourse, you can never run away from the problems that live in your head.

I’ve been avoiding hanging out with friends because of this and I try to explain but they can’t really understand what’s going through my head, they can only sympathize. There’s so much that my friends don’t know but when I try to open up, they think I’m just trying to say it to get attention. I honestly hate attention but I know I need help. Everything just seems to get worse and worse everyday because my friends don’t think I care about them anymore because I end up cancelling our plans. I have all the freedom now and if the assault never happened, I would be out there enjoying life with my closest friends and just laugh the night away.

But no. Here I am, alone in my living room, crying as the lights low dim. I’ve never felt more vulnerable than today in regards to the trauma. I have so much fear that I can’t just tell people because they just think I’m over exaggerating. I know there’s so much the world has to offer but these things make it so hard to even live my own life, let alone continue living said life. I’m not gonna take my own life. I’ve made that promise to too many people in my life and I’m not one to break promises but damn sometimes I think about it. About how it could end the pain in my head; but that is also super selfish and I would never do that to my friends and family.

Living with PTSD sucks because now I can’t leave the house alone. It’s always just work then home then work then home. I don’t stray away from my daily routine because there’s always that fear that someone along the way would hurt me just like how he did...like how they did...

I’m sorry for wasting your time, but thank you for taking the time to read this nonesense.

#ptsd #ptsd recovery #ptsd related #depression #depressed #daily log