Bastard

Nathan Anders 29 Crown Prince of Australia

[kitporras-blog]

at war with the sun

[nathan--anders]

tw: panic attack, suicide mentions, suicidal thoughts

Nico hadn’t had an attack since he got to Buckingham, so he figured he was due one. It was always strange, the way he could have thoughts like that even in the midst of being curled into the corner of his room, head between his knees and Thing draped against his side as he shook uncontrollably. The weight of the world was weighing on him, and he was no Atlas, he couldn’t hold up the sky. The world was ending, the sky was falling, and it was all. his. fault.

It was moments like these when the scars on his wrists felt like they were fresh again, like maybe he should try again, because why not? No one would care, and he let out something between a gasp and a sob, and he leaned further into the soft warmth of Thing at his side.

The soft scratch of the door opening had him burying his head further. “Go away.” He muttered, hoping they actually would, and especially hoping it wasn’t any of his siblings. They would just push him and try to get through this, and he didn’t want to. He wanted to wallow. It would just be easier if he could actually breathe though, and he sucked in a ragged breath, wondering if his lungs always felt like they were collapsing, or if that was a unique experience.

Nathan was looking for Nico. He wasn’t usually one to look for someone, but after going all day without seeing him and hearing a few people say the same, he was...concerned. Not worried, because he didn’t worry and he was sure that Nico was fine. It wasn’t s much of a search anyway, since the first place he looked was Nico’s room and he didn’t even have to knock. He heard something from the other side of the door that tugged him closer to worry, and he opened the door without asking. 

“Shit.” He could recognize a panic attack when he saw one. He’d spent enough time around soldiers in a place that was known for pushing men to insanity. He had seen too many of them lose it at good and bad times to not recognize it when he saw it in someone else. He shut the door behind him and pushed further in, squatting back on his heels close enough to Nico that he could touch him, but not enough to make an claustrophobia worse. 

And because he only knew what he had done in the figurative trenches with literal bullets flying, he started to sing. He let his voice turn deep and he sang Silver Wings, through the first and then the second chorus, keeping a careful eye on Nico as he did for any changes. Once he was calmer, some breathing would come in handy, but for now he’d just settle for a little less panic. 

[nathan--anders]

Whilst Riley wasn’t entirely sure what was being said in French, he was loving every minute of it. He released Snow’s hand as Adrien offered his hand to Snow, watching as she excitedly grabbed it and started to pull the boy away from his father.

“Spela!” She exclaimed excitedly at Riley whose smile suddenly dropped as he realised they were heading away from the kitchen and away from lunch and coffee. 

“Fika child. Please.” He sighed, turning to gaze tiredly at the entrance to the kitchen before he sighed and nodded, waving Snow off with his hand. “We’ll be right behind you two.” Riley promised her, smiling as the young girl continued to try and lead Adrien on her adventure somewhere. 

“I haven’t a single clue about what you said earlier, but whatever it was, it sounded very amusing.” Turning to Nathan, he smiled at the man, tucking his hands into his pockets.

Adrien had plenty of betrayed looks to shoot back at Nathan, but he allowed himself to be pulled away by the younger child. Nathan did not feel bad. If anything, Adrien deserved it for always running off on him and being a general little shit to him so consistently. Besides, being around another kid would be good for him. He crossed his arms and watched them. “I told him to go ahead and cry, he’ll piss less.” There were a few French phrases that Nathan wished were more widely used in other languages. 

He shifted his eyes, watching the children disappear in his peripheral vision. “Maybe they’ll use up some of their energy for once.” 

[nathan--anders]

With the boy now speaking to her in a shared language, Snow grinned gleefully at him, abandoning Riley in favour of marching confidently up to the boy, standing unafraid in front of Nathan. 

“Snow could make friends with a rock.” Riley explained as the young girl returned the greeting, before she held out her hand to the older boy, waiting for him to take it and go play with her. The scene going on around their legs was tragically cute and Riley couldn’t help but smile at it as it unfolded. “She’s probably the most social under three year old I’ve ever met.” Stepping forward he reached down and gently pat back her blonde hair, whilst she held out her hand further to the young boy. 

“Play?” Sighing softly, Riley moved to crouch down behind Snow, wrapping one arm around her gently. 

“Adrien might not want to play Snow. You have to respect that.” He spoke in a calm voice, though Snow didn’t entirely understand the concept of respect and went to grab the boy’s hand, only to be stopped by Riley who held it in his own. “We aren’t forceful with new friends, remember?”

“I think Adrien would rather be friends with a rock.” Nathan replied ruefully as Adrien shot him a pleading look. This at least he knew where Adrien had gotten. He’d never been a big fan of people either, always preferring his own company or that of people he already knew well, and it seemed he had passed that trait down to his son. Albeit in a much softer manner than Nathan’s, but the same motivations. “He hasn’t been around too many other kids.” For the most part, he was stepping back to see how his son would handle the situation. It couldn’t hurt for Adrien to have another kid around, maybe he’d stop acting like he was already a miniature adult. 

The boy tucked his hands behind his back when Riley reached for him. “Jouer,” he tried to correct Snow, until Nathan nudged him in the back with a knee. “English,” he said again. Adrien looked up at him, all innocence and green eyes. “Je ne parle pas Anglais.” He insisted dolefully. “Yes you do. Pleure un coup, tu pisseras moins.” He told his son unapologetically. With a heavy sigh, Adrien turned again to Snow and offered a reluctant hand. 

[nathan--anders]

“See, I would think that, but.” As if to prove his point, Riley lifted Snow up higher, showing off again the fact that he was holding her upside down by her foot. He lifted and dropped his right shoulder, catching the French spoken by the young boy, though he couldn’t understand what he was saying. At the sound of the young boy’s voice, Snow looked over at him, smiling before she waved at him, looking up at her godfather.

“Riley, kan jag spela?” Riley’s eyes moved between Snow and the young boy hiding behind the man’s legs. 

“Ask him yourself.” With an awkward twist of his arms, he stood Snow upright next to him, holding her steady as she got her bearing before she waved at the boy again. 

“Play?” She asked sweetly whilst Riley stepped forward and held out his hand to the man. 

“Riley, this is Snow, my goddaughter.”

With the attention on him, Adrien promptly buried his face in Nathan’s leg. He was hardly ever around other children, and shy as he was around adults, it was nothing compared to him being around someone closer to his own age. “Quit that,” Nathan told him, with a brief shake of his leg. It only made Adrien hold on tighter. He took a single step forward with his free leg to shake the man’s hand. “Nathan, this barnacle here is Adrien, my son.” 

Leaning down, he pried Adrien’s hands free of his jeans. “Quit acting shy and say hello.” He said firmly. Adrien blinked wide green eyes at him, all pleading and tragic, as though Nathan was punishing him for something. “Non, Papa.” He said, tragically. “You better not be saying no to me,” Nathan warned, taking him by the shoulders and swiveling him around to face Snow. Adrien blinked mournfully. “Bonjour,” he said. “English.” Nathan prompted again, in the voice he reserved for when he wanted Adrien to do something right away. He received another tragic look, then Adrien in a very small voice said, “Hello.” 

[nathan--anders]

“Lambietoes? Strudelmouth? I’ve got dozens of these, I’m sure I’ll find one eventually.” Nico was grinning, barely holding back laughter. He knew none of them would be acceptable. At all. Nathan was far too uptight though, and this would probably help. Maybe.

“Goddammit,” there was a chuckle in his voice even as he was cursing, because he should have expected this level of absurdity out of Nico. “I’d threaten with coming up with one for you, if I didn’t know that you’d love it.” 

[nathan--anders]

A laugh erupted from Riley’s chest as he held up one hand in a motion of surrender, the other holding tightly onto Snow as she squirmed around, still giggling loudly. “I was kidding. I wouldn’t know what to do with a boy anyway at this point.” He continued to laugh, a wide smile spread over his face. “I mean, it was certainly easier when she was a baby, but then the walking and talking thing started and now I just feel like I’m playing catch up.”

As if to prove his point, Snow suddenly shifted again and slipped, sliding down his back before Riley’s arm shot out and grabbed her leg, holding her upside down whilst she clapped her hands in glee. Rolling his eyes he looked up at the man. “I wouldn’t count on it, I watched her go face first into the snow yesterday.”

“Yes?” Riley’s gaze snapped down at Snow as she spoke, realising his mistake. 

“Not you, the actual snow outside sweetheart.”

Nathan took a moment to imagine the idea of him with a daughter. It should have been a scary thought, but given the fact that he had more or less raised his own younger sisters, he would probably have a better idea of what to do than he did with Adrien. “Can’t say I know what to do with him either, but he’s not too screwed up yet.” Adrien was starting to wriggle now, seeing that another child was getting closer to freedom. “Papa, vers le bas.” He whined, and Nathan sighed as he swung his son down to the floor where he could wrap an arm around Nathan’s leg and peer bashfully out at the other two. 

“That’s a good thing, trust me.” He couldn’t keep Adrien from doing anything the boy wanted to do. Worst part was, the kid always found a way to not directly go against anything Nathan told him, but still get his way. He wasn’t sure where the kid had gotten the smarts from, because him mom definitely hadn’t been half as smart as he was already. 

[cowboyhudsons]

[nathan--anders]

“Protective parent? I can agree to those terms. You can’t trust too many people, and I can respect that,” She was trying to be as civil as her temper allowed while swallowing her pride. As the baby she was all too use to getting her way. She decided though honesty was probably the best way to go with him. “I can’t promise I won’t be offended but I can promise to do my best to not punch you in the face. Mostly for Nico’s sake, but also because I’m sure that ends terribly for me. It wouldn’t kill you though to at least learn to be civil with his twin. I’m not asking for us to be best friends just to not cause a scene everytime we talk. As for not being worth shit? You’re worth something to my brother which means something to me.”

“Well, I’m really glad you approve of my parenting, I was worried about that.” It was an unnecessary amount of pettiness, especially coming from him, but he was well into pissed off now, as he let Adrien down to the ground. His son, always aware of Nathan’s moods, grabbed handfuls of his jeans and stepped halfway behind his legs. “A bitty thing like you can try to hit me all you want, I’d prefer that over words.” He pointed out, glancing her over. It’d be like a mosquito or something. “I was being civil before you started yelling, you thought I wasn’t because I don’t talk as pretty as you.” If she thought he was going to learn to talk about the weather and always use please and thank you, they were never going to get along, and Nico was going to be the one who winded up miserable. “I wasn’t looking for validation, it’s just a statement of fact." If he could stop and remember that he had now three little sisters who all yelled at him in about the same way, this wasn’t quite as bad. He sucked in a slow breath. He couldn’t exactly throw her over his shoulder and threaten to toss her out the window, but he could at least rely on those memories. “When you’re ready to quit shouting, I figure we can have an actual conversation, unless you’ve got all you need to know.” 

[nathan--anders]

“Aw, but pumpkinface, you just get me all choked up.” Nico teased, his grin wide. He had a whole repertoire of shitty nicknames he couldn’t wait to see Nathan’s reaction to. He was pretty sure that Nathan was going to hate them all.

“No.” Nathan replied. He didn’t think more was needed than that, as Nico would know exactly what he was rejecting. Pet names were not okay in general, but that one was especially awful and he wanted that to be known. 

[nathan--anders]

Apparently, a side effect of the ‘terrible twos’ that no one had informed Riley of, was the inexhaustible amount of energy Snow had suddenly required. He wondered if it were possible to power the city through the power of multiple two year olds hyped up on a new place. He had spent most of the afternoon chasing her down and was now beyond hungry, having missed lunch in order to chase after her in the library. Now heading to the city, Riley kept a firm hold on her, carrying her over his shoulder in a similar fashion to a fireman’s carry, his attention on not letting her go until he noticed another man in apparently a similar position as him. “Oh no,” He replied with a smirk, jostling Snow around who laughed loudly in delight. “I was just wondering if you wanted to trade for this sack of carrots? They’re a bit small this year.”

“Hell no,” Nathan cast a dubious eye over the other pair. He hadn’t even gotten Adrien before three, and that was not a stage he wanted to experience. “I’m not about to take a step back when I’ve already made it this far.” He could understand the desperate tone in the other man’s voice, but he didn’t feel enough pity to do anything about it, not with his own hellion to deal with. He would respect that clearly the man was not leaving her raising to nannies or whatever the equivalent was, and respect was where that ended. “I can’t tell if they get better or worse as they get older. Just hope that your carrots aren’t as smart as these potatoes.” Parents were supposed to be proud of smart children, but Nathan had quickly found out that pride did not equal easy parenting. 

[nathan--anders]

“Okay.” Nicholas putting his hand up in defeat. He wasn’t meaning to be rude to the other, just thought it could be a problem he was facing. Nicholas nodded, not sure what else to say to the older man. He seemed very closed off and Nick wasn’t one to push anyone to speak to him. 

If there was one thing Nathan didn’t like, it was people challenging his parenting. He knew he wasn’t the ideal candidate to be raising a child, but that didn’t mean that everyone who looked at him had to immediately assume he was going to fuck up his kid when he was actually trying at something for once. He let Adrien down and allowed his son to sneak a grubby hand into his. “You need something?” 

[nathan--anders]

“Yeah, and then we’ll live happily ever after and all that garbage.” Nico said with a wave of his hand. He was pretty sure it was all bullshit, but it sounded nice, like maybe they had a chance at going and living forever in a shiny castle, and nothing bad would ever happen. It was a nice dream.

“Let’s not start with the sentimental shit.” Honestly, saying something like happily ever after just felt like testing fate. Especially with his notoriously bad luck. Anything that could go wrong for him usually did, and he didn’t feel like challenging what little good he had at the moment. 

[nathan--anders]

“Sorry.” Nico whispered. He couldn’t believe Nathan had brought him in the room with his sleeping son and then agreed to make out with him. That was just irresponsible. He frowned, wondering for a moment when this had turned into sharing hour. Granted, it was probably needed and all, but he still felt like some of it was just unnecessary. Nathan was pretty obviously not used to a relationship, after all. “Yeah, and you’ve got plenty of time to get used to it, because I’m not going anywhere.”

“I figured as much, and I’ll get used to that.” Time would be the real test. Not that Nathan thought there was any chance of him leaving, just whether or not he could make this change he’d been working on in himself permanent. If he could actually be something more than the sack of shit he’d spent most of his life being. Nico might not see it yet, but Nathan didn’t think he could hide it for too long. He wasn’t really trying. 

[nathan--anders]

“Maybe he does it just because he wants you to play with him?” Shrugging his answer. He knew at that age, he wanted his father to play with him more, though Alaric did a good job at that as well. “So have you been here long?”

“He gets plenty of attention from me.” Truth be told, Nathan would much rather be doing something with Adrien than be around anyone else, but he didn’t always have that luxury here. “About a month.” 

[nathan--anders]

“Fuck, warn a guy, why don’t you?” Nico pulled away, not particularly wanting to have that question posed at them. He’d walked in on a few things he didn’t want to see before, and it had permanently scarred him. “And it’s fine. I’m not going anywhere, you know?”

“Sleeping,” Nathan said again, trying to get Nico to use a lower tone. It was hard enough to get the kid to sleep, he didn’t need him to wake before he was ready. He leaned back again. This was not a conversation he wanted to had. “Yeah, that’s not the problem.” Or maybe it was the problem, but he couldn’t tell him that. The accent that was more an act by now than anything bled out a little. “Adrien’s the most permanent thing in my life since I left him, and he’s only been around about two years now.”

[nathan--anders]

Juliet didn’t hold back on her sigh as she reached up to pinch the bridge of her nose. “Look,” she started out heavily, “I don’t want to fight with you, ever if I can avoid that. Us not getting along? The only thing that assures is that I can’t bond with the child that will be my brother’s step son, making him to me at least my nephew. And possibly meaning I can’t visit as often as I would like. And not only that us fighting? Will make Nico miserable. He will want us to get along, and while he won’t say anything he will just fester in his own misery. I don’t want that. Not for him. From what I’ve seen you actually treat him pretty well which is all that I want for him. I want him to be loved and treated the way I think he deserves, but that doesn’t mean I can just let it slip by that you need to know I will still be watching. He’s my brother after all, we shared a womb even. He’s literally my other half. But I’m not going to fight with you, especially in front of this dashing little guy that I want to get to know if I’m even allowed.”

Nathan’s jaw twitched. Annoyed did not begin to reach what he was at the moment, but time and experience had worn him out of a temper. “This ain’t fighting, sweetheart. And if I gotta make one thing clear, it’s that nobody is coming anywhere near my son until I know them and I decide they’re alright to be around them.” She wanted to be protective of Nico, she had no place to complain about him being protective of his son. “Now look, I wasn’t raised in all this polite bullshit, and I ain’t about to start up with the manners and proper talk. You can either learn to be okay with that and not get offended every goddamn time I open my mouth, or you can hate me. You watch me all the hell you want, threaten me all the hell you want, it ain’t gonna change who I am. I don’t have any plans of hurting Nico, but I figure that’s between the two of us. I know as well as the next that I ain’t worth shit, and I’m done with people wanting me to go on acting like I am.” 

[nathan--anders]

“Nice to meet you both then.” Nicholas responded. The other seemed cold but he wasn’t going to be rude either to him, even if all of him did. He went back to looking out the window for a moment. “Does he run off a lot?” Nick wasn’t pushing, just trying to make some sort of conversation with him. 

“Uh huh.” Nathan was attempting to act more like a prince, but that didn’t mean that he was any good at it yet. He had at least stepped past blatantly rude and onto mildly annoyed, which for most of the royals here, might as well be a slap in the face. “Enough to be a real pain in my ass, sure.”