Unfortunately, I don't care.

District 3 | 19 | fc: Cole Mohr ________________________________ Status: Deceased Placement: 4th / 24 "Turns out the dead do laugh."

[inoortal-blog]

[nathaniel-degrey-blog]

NATHANIEL…

district : three

private training : twelve

kills : two

weapon : double bladed knives and steel cut wiring

described as : mischievous, bipolar, abrasive, impulsive, strong ego

[tracker-faerwald]

Safe Haven || Traiel

I was under the assumption that Mara had been moving me between.. these planes. I didn’t realize she was merely supporting me with the energy I needed. This time, she knew I  had my own energy. She saw it in my eyes.

“…Did you love him?”

I smiled, feeling life  flash life through my irses. She kept a hand on me, ensuring that  she knew what I was  feeling By then I had understood negative feelings would only turn me to the darkness. Only get myself stuck in the abyss of my own dementation.

She only let me leave after she was sure. More energy coursed through me after I returned from seeing my  siblings. But this, this was a close second. I didn’t need an explanation of what to do. While some of the living possessed a talent for music or a heart for charity, I lived and died with an understanding of death. A propensity for it. I wasn’t always aware of it, I misinterpreted many times,  But it was always there. It was the meaning I saw in everything, what I took instead of the faith to live on a body failed me.  

Because of that, I merely had to think of what I was missing. Feel it with such an intensity and natural character, there could only ever be one place that matched my energy. I simply opened my eyes and found himself in a part of Panem I had never seen before. 

Just as quickly as Cadence came beside me was she gone, as if she was the angel on my shoulder pointing me in the right direction. For such a small child she lived a long life in terms of experience and wisdom, it’s no wonder of all my siblings she and I had the strongest bond, and while I took her words to heart they didn’t entirely lift the weight on my shoulders.

For as much good as I’ve done in my life I’ve done a lot of wrong as well, and over time yes, I did learn how to forgive and move on, both myself and others, how to rid myself of guilt and all the bullshit that came with it to make room for more positive energy. It took a long time, but I was able to come to peace with Cadence, but with Nate-

How could I forgive myself for not getting to him in time?

Keep reading

[nathaniel-degrey-blog]

Skeleton Closet | Death OS 1

note: I’m still extra; trigger warnings many of them, pls see tags

I didn’t believe in heaven the way other people did. Didn’t believe in faith or an afterlife, not really. But I believed in meaning. There was a lot of meaning in the world. Took a good eye to see it.

Speaking of eyes... There was nothing but anger in hers. A staggering myriad of anger, differing in degrees and intensity, ferocity to infinite proportions and back - anger. She blamed me.

I remember pain. I remember not fighting back. I remember not being afraid. There was nothing to fear anymore.

I also remember the look on his face. That sudden burst of honest sentiment, he never showed it to me when I was alive. When I was right there sitting next to him, laying next to him, fighting next to him. I don’t blame him. I know I am more emotional than most people. More emotional than I like to admit.

Yeah, I didn’t believe in heaven.

Then there was darkness, heavy and crisp. I didn’t spend much time there. I don’t know when it happened but suddenly I was home. Standing in the doorway, my hand on the knob as if I were about to open it and walk outside. I let my hand fall and turned around.

Home was like nothing had ever happened. Everything was in place, beautiful, full of memories I loved. The glass table and the china in the dining room were unbroken. Chairs in neat positions.  Everything was spotless and clean, looking in better conditions than they were when I left.

I passed the hall, walking towards the stairs. Along the walls were the portraits of each of us. I didn’t think I would but I smiled as I looked at them. I had forgotten how beautiful my mother and sister were amidst all of this, how fond I was of my brothers and father.

I climbed the stairs. The first door on the right was my own room. To the left, Devon’s. I peered into her room, everything neat, in order. A fresh smell touching my nose as I walked inside. Her bed was made up, the windows looked recently cleaned, the hardwood floor polished, the rugs washed and vacuumed. It felt empty though. That’s because it was empty. All her clothes were gone. Her stuffed animals, her books, her favorite pillow. I ran to the other rooms. Orion and Leonardo’s where the same. Clean and in order, but terribly empty.

I stood in the hallway silently, running my hand through my hair. I was trying not to panic.. I went back downstairs, entering my father’s study. It was trashed. Horrendously trashed. Newspapers, files, stock reports, transportation recordings, financial summations, every document he owned strewn across the floor, the arm chair tossed on its side.

I crouched down and looked at one of the newspapers. The front cover headline read “District Three Company Responsible for Diminishing Market” … What? I skimmed the paper, still crouched. Data over the last twenty something years showing strong correlations between Degrey Innovative’s financial success and District Three’s suffering economic state. Data showing missing profit totals lining up with the amount of money thrown under my name.

The conclusion pointing out that the missing money totaled to about 1.3 billion. How the fuck did they get this information? Why the fuck did these numbers even exist?

I left the room. Suddenly the the quiet was jarring and reckless. The clean was agitating and unnerving. I turned the corner sharply and ran down the hall that led to my parents room. As I approached I began to hear voices. Sobbing.

I stopped dead in my tracks. Sobbing and muttering.

“I did it for them,” I heard said in my father’s voice, raspy and different. Unsettling. The sobbing grew louder and more desperate. Then suddenly it died down to a whimper. My mother.

“Yet you still got him killed!” He said calmly, depressingly. “All that work for nothing...I set this up so meticulously, so expertly, god... damn it, Griffon..”

I pressed my ear against the door.

“But it was wrong, Roman!” My mother cried quietly, her words slurred and slow. “How could you do that? ….How could you purposefully ma-”  Her voice wavered and trailed off, unable to spit out what she was thinking.

“Say it.” He spat. I was becoming uncomfortable, fear injecting myself into me once more. I felt lost and confused, I was losing touch, touch with what I’m unsure. “Say it.”

Silence. Barely inaudible sobs and a sharp intake of air.

“Say it now.”

“No.”

“You’re weak.” He said. “You can’t even admit it. I thought you said we’d do anything for our family..”

Silence. Still, unnerving silence. 

“By blood our relation; By loyalty, our family.” He whispered. For the first time, the phrase unsettled me. He didn’t say it with love or compassion. He said it in illness. In dishonesty.

I could barely hear the words he spoke next, they were almost inaudible.

“Let me show you how easy it is: I spent the last fucking twenty odd years of my goddamn life fucking with the system. I stole money, I hid shipments, I destroyed food supplies, I made it real hard for anyone without thirty bucks to their shitty name to survive out here. I made them eat tesserae like it was their god damn job Griffon.”

I sunk down on the floor, empty, staring in a blank space on the wall.

“There was no chance in hell any of my boys or my precious daughter would get their name picked out of that bowl, those names drowned them out - their odds were over three hundred times better than the unfortunate bastards in this place because of what I did. But you fucking ruined it.”

Over time his voice was getting weaker, more unstable, higher in pitch. I think he was starting to cry.

“Only twenty four families out of what two hundred thousand people were eligible. The kids would have have been exempt, we had no family in the arena before, we never would have!”

“My son is dead, Griffon.” He was sobbing, choking on his words. “He’s dead... He’s dead. He’s gone. My boy.” 

I didn’t move at all. I didn’t move a muscle but somehow, someway, I found myself on the other side of the definitely locked door, inside the bedroom. The image in front of me - I screamed, hitting the door behind me, my vision blurring with tears. My mother was on the floor, blood everywhere. She was bruised, beaten. The words “for Nathaniel” carved into her skin over and over again across her arms, her legs, her torso. There was a pool of blood. I kept screaming, my eyes filling with tears. Nothing I saw in the arena was worse than this. My father was wailing, my mother a steady flow of tears - something told me she had screamed enough. I felt myself collapsing inwards, inside was devoid of everything unrelated to fear.

I could only hear myself, only see darkness, yet somehow the image I had just seen flashed in my memory vivid as the day. I could not do anything to help her. Why was he doing this? Why did he do this?

“Nathaniel!” a young voice called out, I could barely hear it but it was there. “Nathaniel, please. You have to come. Stop screaming!”

The voice was distant and muffled. I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. He was going to kill her. Over me. “Nathaniel, you need to control yourself. I guarantee, if don’t you won’t like where you end up.”

I was falling deeper and faster with every waking moment. How could my father do something like this. How could he hurt those people. Hurt my mother like that?

“Nathaniel! It’s me… it’s Mara.”

I closed my eyes shut tighter. “No..you.go. away.” I said, hearing my own voice speak on top of my own echoes

“..Please, you have to.”

“No!’

“Nathaniel,-”

“I said no.”

“There’s no one else here for you! You’re the first of your family to die! It’s me or..or.. I’m not giving you that choice. … Please...I don’t blame you for what happened to me.”

I felt like I was spinning. “...What about her? And where’s everyone else?”

“They’re fine.”

“How do you know?”

“... Because you’re here now.”

“... I need to help her. He’s going to kill her. ... What he did..”

“...We can’t help everything... you need to come now.”

“...”

“.. Just open your eyes, Nathaniel.”

I stood outside at the line diving the forest from the meadow. A weak breeze blew, brushing the blades of grass back and forth. The shadow of the canopy concealed me, it was comforting but I was missing something. 

“I know where you are.” She said. I stood silently, watching her wander the meadow in the dark. Even from here could I see her, see her. Crisp blue eyes just like my own, my sisters, my brothers. Cascading hair darker than the night sky above us. A small frame, a frame too small to possibly carry that personality. “That’s where I am.”

“Why won’t you speak?” She said, crouching down, pulling a daisy from the ground.  “You’re just standing there silently.” She breathed in sharply and approached the tree line. I let my head fall down, unwilling to look into those eyes. I’ve seen them enough in my dreams. 

“Nathaniel?” She said, touching my arm. I feel my eyes strain and go heavy, tears forming and begging to drop. “God, Nathaniel.” she sighed, her face falling to sorrow. “Oh, I can feel everything. Your breath. Your death. Your life. I can feel it. Just by touching you.” 

“Let me know you. Let me say hello.”

I smiled weakly, tears running down my nose. “Why are you so expressive for a twelve year old?” 

She smiled sadly at me, a breathy laugh escaping her as she tossed her hair behind her. “I grew up fast. I died even faster. Lot of wisdom in life and death.” 

“I suppose you’re right.” I said. She crossed the line and entered the forest. A smile grew on her face as she touched the trunks of trees. I sighed. 

“Oi.” She turned sharply in my direction. “.. You read my journals. I did see that, you know.”

“... You watch me?”

“Sometimes.”

“Why?” 

She sighed, sliding her back down the trunk of tree before sitting down at its base. I ran a hand through my hair and sat next to her. 

“I had.. no one when I died.” She said slowly. She drummed her fingers on the ground at her side. I sighed and pursed my lips. “My mother - our mother, I guess. I mean, I grew up with people. But not people who’d wait for you in the afterlife.. I don’t want anyone to go through I went through here alone. So I did my research. I kept tabs. I’m really happy it was you first, no offense.”

I turned my head to look at her. I was her older brother but she was doing so much more for me than I’d ever do for her. I lifted an arm and pulled her into my side. “Thanks. I don’t deserve this. But thank you.”

She turned instantly, her small face looking directly into mine. Her expression was serious, describing utmost certainty and confidence. “Of course you do, Nathaniel. You’ve been through so much. You’ve done so much and you don’t even realize it. Had you survived this, you would have done even more. You didn’t live to your potential - but their is potential in death as well.”

“... What about my family? Is that really -”

“It is. Listen,” She removed herself from my arm to sit in front of me and took my hands. “Your father cares about you and your siblings so so much. So very much. I’ve touched him before.. - I’ve felt everything in him. There’s just as much good as there is bad. But losing any of you.. is something that can destroy him. A lot of it has to do with the stuff back in war times. He did bad things then and has been since then. It’s messed up. But there’s nothing we can do about the past. And unfortunately, everything you saw is in the past.”

“When all this happened, I felt everything I knew fall apart. But this.. all this secrecy. I had no idea it was so much worse.”

She pursed her lips and simply nodded at me. 

“Are you sure my brothers and sister are okay?” 

“... Just open your eyes, Nathaniel.”

I stood in a different house completely foreign to me, silent except from the occasional sniffle. Mara was gone, no where to be found. 

“Drink water Leo, you need it.” I heard Devon say. I heard Devon. I ran, rounding the corner to follow the sound of her voice. As I cleared the wall and entered the room, I saw each of each of them. All of them puffy-eyed and visibly tired.

“Mara how do I tell them I’m here?” I asked, my eyes filling with tears. “How do I show them I’m alright. How do I make them happy again, please.”  

I watched as Leonardo took a glass with shaking hands, sipping it slowly. Orion sat next to him, his head buried in his knees, rocking back and forth slowly. His chest hiccuped every now and then. Devon was the only one standing, her demeanor seeming to be hit hard - there was no joy, lighthearted mischief or cunning wit in her eyes. 

“.. You can help them remember the good. But you have to feel it yourself, expanding its boundaries into the room. Really good therapy actually..” She said, her voice distant like it was in my home. 

“.. Okay.” I put all my fear and sorrow aside. I let go for them, the emotions slipping off me, releasing such a heavy weight. I let myself remember the times I had with them. The pranks Orion and I played, the sound of his laugh when we got someone. Weekend camp outs with Leo, the stupid competitions we had to see who could set their tent faster. The late nights reading with Devon - her ability to out analyze me in anything we read. I remembered Devon coming home. Orion and I being forced to play her “girl games” because Leonardo was and was busy with the company.

Suddenly a smile formed on Leonardo’s lips. He leaned back, wiping his tears, a small laugh bursting out of him. “-I’m sorry. It’s just. I remembered something.”

Orion shifted over, laying against the arm of the couch. Devon sat in the love seat to the left. “Tell?”

“Before either of you were born, Nate had this dress up phase. Found a pair of vampire teeth and a cape or something. He would run around the house hissing “I want to suck your butt.”

“oh,” Devon laughed sniffling. “Yeah, Mom always said he couldn’t speak right as a baby.”

“How about when he got his tongue stuck on the froze lamppost?”

“At age 15? God, Nathaniel was so smart but so fucking stupid.” Orion laughed. 

“Okay, but really, what about Nate at any point in time, on laughing gas.” The each of them howled with laughter, the tears leaving their eyes tears I wanted to see. That’s how I want to be remembered. Forever, as long as they live.

I smiled, tears falling down my face. I opened my eyes, back in the clearing, Mara sitting right in front of me again. 

“How was it?”

“... Best thing I’ve seen.”

“That’s great.” She smiled at me, rubbing the hair that fell in front of my face. “Listen. You can come back here at anytime. This is your place. But right now, there’s someone who needs you. Badly.”

My smile fell instantly. “Is Track alright?” 

“That, I don’t know. You have to find him. You’ll be able to. You just need to think.”

“He’s alive right?” I said. She lifted her hands and shrugged. 

“Like I said, I have no idea. But you can look for him.” I gestured to get up and leave but her hand stopped me. “Just one thing..”

“Okay, shoot.”

She smiled at me, tossing her hair back again. “Did you love him?”

I smiled at her, reaching over to ruffle her own hair. “... I could have. I would have. I’m close.”

She breathed in, removing her hand from my calf. “Okay. See you soon, Nathaniel. Thanks for saying hello.”

And I was gone. 

[thebloodypageant-deactivated202]

[nathaniel-degrey-blog]

thebloodypageant:

Keep reading

[nathaniel-degrey-blog]

Arena Update 08. - Arena Day 5 - “so you can kill me accurately”

Notable Events

Attacked by our own weapons. It was funny *until* it wasn’t. Ricardo is so cool. Gonna fight the straight couple i didn’t happen yet because time 

Current Location: east side woods

Allies: Track, North, & Jacinta (unfortunately)

Injuries: thin cuts on face and ears from asshole shuriken, three more cuts from asshole shruiken on both my arms and left leg. Long hatchet wound on left forearm (cleaned, bandaged), stab wound on right thigh (cleaned, bandaged), stab would on right calf (cleaned, bandaged)

Weapons: sickle, five four throwing stars, brass knuckles, seven three throwing knives, flame thrower, diamond hatchet, set of three double knives fu ck ye s

Items:  Remaining Pack G content: hammer, steel toed Boots, slices, ¾ roll of antiseptic bandages, box of nails minus one? ; rain coat, arena pants, empty thermos, empty iced tea container ; fishing kit ; hypnotic peacock feathers, key, rope

Eaten: Lettuce, six pieces of bacon

[nathaniel-degrey-blog]

Ew

[kiyacrow-blog]

someone dr someone

[inoortal-blog]

someone dr me

[kiyacrow-blog]

@the gays

[nathaniel-degrey-blog]

U wanna die?

[inoortal-blog]

yes

[nathaniel-degrey-blog]

And don't you have a task to do? Hmm?

[kiyacrow-blog]

someone dr someone

[inoortal-blog]

someone dr me

[kiyacrow-blog]

@the gays

[nathaniel-degrey-blog]

U wanna die?

[kiyacrow-blog]

this is my thread sweetie :)

[nathaniel-degrey-blog]

Shouldn't you be in hell or something?

[kiyacrow-blog]

someone dr someone

[inoortal-blog]

someone dr me

[kiyacrow-blog]

@the gays

[nathaniel-degrey-blog]

U wanna die?

[tracker-faerwald]

Through The Fire || Day 5 || Traiel

[nathaniel-degrey-blog]

tracker-faerwald:

I couldn’t help but smile slightly when he spoke and reassured me that I was alright. I let him take the syringe from my hand and laid my arm out straight for him. I shut my eyes and let my body relax, if I tensed up it would only hurt more but at this point it would probably feel like a poke compared to everything else. I let my thumb drag along my ring on my opposite hand and didn’t even flinch when the needle pierced my skin.

I kept my breathing steady, and it didn’t take long to feel the effects of the drug course through my system. Slowly all the pain began to fade away, my body eased in a way that seemed entirely foreign and I started feeling tired, drained, like nothing around me mattered at this point. I felt sick.

Why did I ever get hooked on this in the first place? What’s everyone back home thinking watching me do this; my family, friends, the people I’ve helped?

I put my head down on the table and shook my head when he asked if I was alright, “I just need a minute.” I said quietly as I resisted the nausea and feeling of disgust that was starting to take me. I felt his hand begin to rub up and down my back, and I winced slightly as he touched my wounds, “Hey, Nate?” I said lifting my head and opening an eye, “Thanks.”

I gave his hand a squeeze and let my lips find his, kissing him before I was out cold. I had no idea how long I was out for but when I woke up I was lying on the table with ice packs on my body. I felt a little groggy, but not too bad. Nate was passed out on another table and, “North?” I exclaimed seeing the trainer awake and armed.

“Hey, Track! About time you woke up. How’re you feeling?” Apparently Nate got him to come to after I knocked out and he agreed to take watch while we rested. He didn’t ask about where our injuries came from, and truthfully I didn’t have the heart to tell him. “I took a quick trip to the armory while you two were asleep. I saw you were missing a hatchet and I couldn’t tell if Nathaniel lost any knives.” he said, passing us over freshly polished weapons. He really was too good for this.

We got Nate to come to and gave our injuries another clean up. We had something to eat and drink before moving out of the manor towards the woods to see if Jacinta was still around, “Jac?” I said quietly, “Jac, it’s us. Where are you?”

He knocked out pretty quick, leaving me in the silence. My heavy body and heavier mind sat there in the quiet for mere moments. I could relax. I didn’t have to be anything in that moment. My body disagreed. Those moments turned into minutes and I found myself running my hands through my hair, panicky but calm at the same time; the calm residing in my mind with the disappearance of that voice for the time being. The panic, in my body, still broken from earlier. It screamed for me because I wouldn’t.

I looked at Track’s sleeping body slumped over the table, his back rising and falling with his almost inaudible breaths. He gave me peace. I could look at him and feel okay. Better than okay. I rested my head on the table and faced him, just looking at him and thinking. I touched his face, my thumb running over the curve of his forehead and my hand cupping his cheek. Then my hands were in his hair and I could feel the calmness spread from my mind to my hands and everywhere else. That he was tangible and alive and the closest god damn thing I had to sanity. I didn’t know why. And I didn’t want to know why. I kissed his forehead who knows how many times. 

Centered, I took care of myself. I bandaged the last of my injuries, ate the remaining bacon I had with a good sizing of lettuce. North began to stir from his position on the floor. I ran over to him with some water. Soon enough he was up and happy. After making sure he was okay he insisted I went to sleep. I had him help me lay Tracker on the table before knocking out myself. I didn’t dream. Bless.

I woke up some bit later, Tracker and North talking over food. After getting ourselves together we left the manor and returned to our spot for Jacinta. It was raining. The cloud from the south She freaked out a mess of shrills I was too annoyed to listen to. Anyway half her babble didn’t matter, because North’s armor sent him flying into a tree. 

[tracker-faerwald]

Through The Fire || Day 5 || Traiel

[nathaniel-degrey-blog]

tracker-faerwald:

I grit my teeth taking off my jacket and my shirt. It was more of a torn rag at this point. I tossed aside and Nate gave me a hand attending to the cuts on my back, “She ain’t all that bad. Dumb, but she’s been an extra body the last few days.” I still wasn’t her biggest fan but she helped out where she could, if you can call it that, “We could have landed someone worse, try and think of it that way.”

I mulled over his words while I patched up the rest of my injuries and went over to the sink to make up some of those ice packs Jacinta made after Octavia’s trial. It was nice, his reassurance. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, he was right. Nora too This was necessary. I knew it would dull the pain, help my body begin to recover. I wouldn’t lose myself in it the way I had 4-5 years ago. I’m better than that, smarter than that. 

I dunked my head under the cool water and cleaned my face off before sitting back at the table, “It’s alright. I can do this.” I pulled on the spare shirt I had held onto.

I exhaled softly through my nose and turned over my arm so that my crook was exposed. I took one of the wipes and cleaned the skin again, then laid the tip of the needle just above it. It’s necessary. It’s not like you haven’t done this before. And still I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It made me feel like a coward, weak. I don’t think he’s ever seen me like this before. 

“Sorry.” I chuckled, “I must look pretty fucking pathetic to you right now.” I bit down on my cheek and when I heard him speak I didn’t argue to let him take lead. 

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” We could have ended up with an outlier-hating psycho. After I cleaned up the cut on my leg I bandaged it and cleaned the smaller cuts and bruises I had. Last was my arm and the wound on my side, but Track seemed to be having a hard time with the morphling when he returned to the table. 

I forced air from my nose, a sort of lazy laughter. That he could ever think something like that. He really had no clue of the kind of things that went through my mind. “You won’t ever look pathetic to me.” I said, leaning forward, placing a kiss on his cheek. “Besides, its understandable.”

I took the syringe and positioned it at the base of his forearm. I moved the needle, piercing it into his skin and pushing the plunger. Moments later the barrel was empty. “Are you okay?” I asked him as I removed the needle and placed it on the table. 

[tracker-faerwald]

Through The Fire || Day 5 || Traiel

[nathaniel-degrey-blog]

tracker-faerwald:

For as short of a time as I’ve known Nate we’ve been through a lot together, and through all that time I’ve never seen him like this. But it didn’t surprise me, after all, he had pointed out that I was adapting to this whole shit show better than most have, and despite what I’ve done, what I’m sure I’ll have to do again, I was alright. It was obvious he wasn’t and I’m not sure what I could say to remedy the situation.

Just like when he took the helmet off I let him be until he approached me first, “I’m fiiiine.” I said, drawing out my words over a slight smile. . It was obvious I wasn’t not in pain, between working on mending limbs and the mark Kiya left on me. He didn’t look too bad himself, “You want to get out of the open though? Maybe back to the kitchen, get some water?” I saw him looking at Kiya’s body. I didn’t know if he met her prior to this, and in the off chance he did I didn’t want to linger.

It was a bitch but we managed to carefully drag North’s body down to the kitchen and lay him on the floor. I lowered myself into a seat when a parachute came floating down for me. I raised a brow and couldn’t help but smile reading Nora’s note, “Thanks, kiddo.” 

But my face fell neutral when I saw what was inside. Morphling.

This wasn’t the first time I’ve come across it since I got out of rehab, hell it was within arms reach when we were training in the Capitol. It never tempted me, or threw me into some anxious panic attack the way one would think. I sighed and let the syringe sit on the table, rolling it back and forth between the grooves until Nate came and sat beside me. I forced a smile and dug out the antiseptic wipes and bandages, “Lemme see.” I said motioning for him to show me his injuries, “You think we can lug him out to Jacinta?…you think she’s still waiting for us?” I laughed slightly. 

He downplayed everything as if things weren’t happening to the extent that they actually were. I wished I could do that - to be okay and settled so easily. My mind was too hyper to for that. “Sure, whatever is fine.” I said.

Getting North down the stairs was difficult but we managed to carry him without hurting him more than he already was from the debris. I was surprised he was still out. When we settled him on the floor I checked for a pulse. His body was still warm. Something came for Tracker and while I finished looking North over, he sat down at a table to open it. 

I set my coat off to the side and peeled off my shirt to look at the wound on my side. It wasn’t bleeding as much as it was before - but it was sore with my turns. The slash on my arm left by one of Scylla’s hatchets stung and bled with my movements. “My leg has two others. More of the same.” Other than that, I had a couple slices and wounds from her throwing stars, but they were the least of my problems. 

“We got him down two flights of stairs, I’m sure we can manage. As for capitol scum, she wouldn’t go two feet in anyway direction without us.” I said. I took the bandages and antiseptic from my bag. As I slid the waist of my jeans down to my lower thigh, he rolled a syringe back and forth across the table. Listless and calm but I could sense the feelings associated with it weren’t so serene. I didn’t have to think about it to know what’s up. The wound on my leg was nasty but I cleaned the blood from around it. “It’s just medicine this time. It’s necessary. I can help you if you need it.”  

[tracker-faerwald]

Through The Fire || Day 5 || Traiel

[nathaniel-degrey-blog]

tracker-faerwald:

I withdrew my knife from Kiya and laid her head down on the cold floor, brushing my hand over her eyes as I shut my own to guard against the feathers that still lay scattered and pushed myself back against a wall for support. Pain and adrenaline coursed through me. I could feel warm blood soaking skin and my clothes, the wall behind me pressed against the exposed slashes on my back. I felt for the blanket and wrapped it around me, the fabric now becoming dotted with splatters of red.

It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. You’ve been through worse. Just relax. Just breathe.

I steadied my breathing, heavy and shallow pants tapering off to deep, quiet breaths. I don’t know how long I was sitting like this, in almost a meditative state, and when I gently let my eyes open I found myself alone. I had to move out of here. I was too out in the open, too vulnerable. I glanced near the stairs and saw North, still unconscious. I don’t know how I’m going to get the both of us out of here. I almost wish I saved some of that adrenaline for him.

I winced as I got to my feet, taking the blanket off and tossing it over the feathers for now as I began picking up whatever else spilled out of my bag and any of my weapons. I didn’t let myself dwell too much on what I did to Kiya, what she did to me. This was a kill-or-be-killed scenario. I knew it, she knew it.

And I knew Nate does too.

We agreed to fight together through all of this and that’s exactly what we’ve been doing, be it with the countless mutts we’ve faced or, in this case, other people. Not for each other, not playing hero. I wasn’t going to be selfish and hold a grudge against him for not coming to help me with Kiya, just like I knew he wouldn’t hold one over me for not stepping in when Scylla jumped him. I heard three cannons go off between then and now.

Deep down I hope one of them wasn’t his.

I was only finishing stuffing my supplies in my pack and grabbing all the scattered weapons when I heard faint footsteps from down the hall. I didn’t think twice. I let my hatchet fall back into my hand and kept a knife at the ready. I put myself close against the wall and kept to the shadows until I saw who was approaching.

I felt myself ease and my eyes met his, “I’m guessing we’re going to need a new Mayor, yea?” I said over a hushed and forced laugh.

Scylla’s body lay crumpled in the midst of the fires that were just then beginning to die down, a charcoal black mess that I had put there. I left in silence, save for the occasional snap and sputter of a flame eager to take more lives; to destroy more meaning. My limbs were aching and sore in the places I had been slashed and stabbed. But they were nothing compared to the pain I knew I’d be feeling had I not find Tracker. As I climbed the stairs leading to the second floor, that voice that pestered me when this all started returned - determined, unforgiving, ruthless. It laughed a drunken laugh, ridiculing in tone, condescending in approach. Look at you... when did you become so heartless?

I beckoned it to shut up, to leave me alone. But you can’t tell yourself to shut up. You can’t leave yourself alone. Are you exactly what you fear yet? I cleared the stairs and readied my hatchet. I didn’t know if I did it for safety precautions or if I did it in frustration with that voice. You’ll be worse. And then if he dies? When he dies. He probably already is. 

I gripped the hatchet tighter, my knuckles going white at the fold. It was a sickening tension running down my neck and through my arms. This is what I was afraid of. I can admit that much to myself, I don’t need pride. I hated being numb. I harbored such an aversion for the lack of feeling in me for so long. I found something that brought back and now it will be what throws me over this edge. 

Sometime while trying to control myself I entered the roof. Kiya’s broken body was the first thing I saw. The voice wouldn’t hesitate to judge and chide me for it - but relief hit me so hard I felt my body run weak. To the side, ready with a weapon, stood Tracker. I met his eyes, suddenly realizing how dry my mouth was. I tried to return the joke but.. I was fucking tired. I blinked, running a hand through my hair. “... she deserved it.” 

Looking at Kiya’s body I tried to determine how she died. It was merciful, I could tell that much, most of it in defense. I compared it to me. How I torched Scylla. How I nailed her to the wall. How it felt kinda good giving to her what I believed she deserved. I cursed under my breath, forcing the thoughts away where I couldn’t see them. 

I turned back to Track, immediately noticing how beaten up he was. “Shit.” I said. “How bad are you?” I slide my backpack off my shoulder and dug through it looking for the morphling I took from Scylla. “Are you in pain?” I asked as I found it and pulled it from my bag. 

[thebloodypageant-deactivated202]

[nathaniel-degrey-blog]

thebloodypageant:

Keep reading

[romantic-dystopia]

[nathaniel-degrey-blog]

romantic-dystopia:

ph:Sang-Hun Lee

[nathaniel-degrey-blog]

Arena Update 07. - Arena Day 4 - “ *eternal sighing* ”

Notable Events

Give me a couple minutes, I’m unraveling this bitch’s weave.

Current Location: Manor roof top / dovecote bird cage thing.

Allies: Track, North, Jacinta (hiding near a tree)

Injuries: Shallow piercings from asshole birds

Weapons: Sickle, five throwing knives, brass knuckles, flame thrower, diamond hatchet North borrowed from Tracker

Items:  Remaining Pack G content: hammer, steel toed Boots, 6 cooked bacon slices, ¾ roll of antiseptic bandages, box of nails ; rain coat, arena pants, empty thermos, empty iced tea container ; fishing kit ; hypnotic peacock feathers, key, knights helmet

Eaten: Lettuce kill tonight. 

[nathaniel-degrey-blog]

There is no love in taking my pack kayla