"There's nothing terribly wrong with feeling lost, so long as that feeling precedes some plan on your part to actually do something about it. Too often a person grows complacent with their disillusionment, perpetually wearing their "discomfort" like a favorite shirt. I can't say I'm very pleased with where my life is just now... ...but I can't help but look forward to where it's going." Tracker Faerwald. 19 years old. District 6. Tribute in the 25th Hunger Games. So much for thinking I had my life under control. RP blog only. FC: Landon Liboiron.
I was under the assumption that Mara had been moving me between.. these planes. I didn’t realize she was merely supporting me with the energy I needed. This time, she knew I had my own energy. She saw it in my eyes.
“…Did you love him?”
I smiled, feeling life flash life through my irses. She kept a hand on me, ensuring that she knew what I was feeling By then I had understood negative feelings would only turn me to the darkness. Only get myself stuck in the abyss of my own dementation.
She only let me leave after she was sure. More energy coursed through me after I returned from seeing my siblings. But this, this was a close second. I didn’t need an explanation of what to do. While some of the living possessed a talent for music or a heart for charity, I lived and died with an understanding of death. A propensity for it. I wasn’t always aware of it, I misinterpreted many times, But it was always there. It was the meaning I saw in everything, what I took instead of the faith to live on a body failed me.
Because of that, I merely had to think of what I was missing. Feel it with such an intensity and natural character, there could only ever be one place that matched my energy. I simply opened my eyes and found himself in a part of Panem I had never seen before.
Just as quickly as Cadence came beside me was she gone, as if she was the angel on my shoulder pointing me in the right direction. For such a small child she lived a long life in terms of experience and wisdom, it’s no wonder of all my siblings she and I had the strongest bond, and while I took her words to heart they didn’t entirely lift the weight on my shoulders.
For as much good as I’ve done in my life I’ve done a lot of wrong as well, and over time yes, I did learn how to forgive and move on, both myself and others, how to rid myself of guilt and all the bullshit that came with it to make room for more positive energy. It took a long time, but I was able to come to peace with Cadence, forgave my brother and sister, but with Nate-
How could I forgive myself for not getting to him in time?
I sighed heavily and ran my hand through my hair and let it rest at the back of my neck. My fingers began moving back and forth along the nape of my neck, my heart sinking as I found myself longing for his touch again.
You didn’t deserve him. You failed him when he needed you the most. Just like you did Cadence.
“Shut up.” I whispered quietly to myself as I brought my arm back in front of me and tucked it between my knees. I took a long, deep breath, trying to get my head straight. We both knew we wouldn’t be able to leave together, not in the way we hoped. I knew and accepted that the moment I proposed the idea of an alliance to him.
So why does this hurt as much as it does?
Refusing to give myself a version of hell I don’t need, I quit the panic. I sit down though I don’t pay a single amount of attention to where I’m sitting, what is around me or who. What I need can not be seen visually anyway. A sigh, a sharp intake of breath. I close my eyes and just try to feel. I guess I was feeling for the wrong thing all along. It wasn’t until I hit resignation, failure, confusion, the feeling of being lost that everything centered around this one point miles away from where I was sitting. What happened while I was gone?
When I opened my eyes I was beside him, him holding his knees to his chest, dismissive, unresponsive. I saw the image in two perspectives: one from my own eyes, looking down at the civilization below us, him in my peripheral vision. In the other I could see us both, I was looking at our backs, seeing all the pain and tensity. I did not expect him to be here. I expected to see him in the arena fighting and winning. And leaving.
“Track?” I said, turning to look at him.
Track. I heard his voice in my head over the other that was scrutinizing me, pointing out every detail, every flaw. Hearing his voice was only causing me to break more, like I was being taunted.
“Shut up.” I said again, desperately trying not to let my voice break. I snapped my eyes open and felt my entire body tense up and freeze.
He was right next to me.
At least, it looked like him; it had his voice, his shape, his face and tattoos, and his eyes, the same blue irises I looked into every night over the last few days that brought me a sense of comfort, the same eyes I saw just before…
Whether or not my body still had a heart or not, I felt it drop. He had never dismissed me so harshly. Ever. I sat there confounded and lost, my eyes going heavy and sore again. What was I expecting? I asked my legitimately. I don’t know. But it was not this. It was no where near this. “.. What?” I said, my voice soaked with a tainted mixture of hurt and fear.
The way his face fell, the tone in his voice. I’ve seen it before, heard it before. It stirred the same feeling in my chest as it had when he found Mara’s body in the Arena. It wouldn’t be…impossible for him to be here with me, would it?
I felt my own face fall slightly to something softer. I swallowed and struggled to find my own voice, “N-nate?” I said faintly. My entire body felt like it was being held down by a weight. I slowly managed to lift my hand from my leg and cautiously moved it to his face, touching his cheek and feeling the same warmth I always felt. He really was here.
“Who else?” I said, resting my head on my hand. With my death apparently went the attitude Tracker carried about himself I admired so much. I didn’t want to admit that someone cared for me that much, I didn’t want it true at all because I’m just worth it. - not now, not before. And presented with that exact situation… I sighed, looking for the right questions to ask, the right actions to make - when a brush against my cheek found them for me. The thing where my heart use to be fell, but unlike before, it was a good falling, a welcome and warm and comforting. I sighed again, my eyelids falling shut. “Why are you doing this to yourself?” I said quietly, my hand reaching up and covering his own palm.
I averted my gaze slightly when I heard him speak again, a tingling sensation running through my hand when I felt his on mine. A part of me wondered how much he had seen, how long he was watching me, then again I knew he could read me well, sometimes better than I could myself. I brought my hand down from his cheek and let it rest in my lap again.
I let out a long exhale through my nose and bit down on the inside of my cheek, “I feel like I…fucking let you down.” I said quietly, “That I wasn’t able to get to you in time.”
I brought my hand up to my mouth, my fingers poking and pulling at my lower lip as I tried to stomach this. Total silence in my mind. For once, there was no unnecessary comments from that voice. But equally there were no comments from me. I breathed in, my glances searching around the grass like an answer would be there. There wasn’t.
“I, um.” I sighed, rubbing my forehead to conceal how my eyes were filling up with tears. “None of that was your fault.”
I exhaled and shook my head, “I should have moved faster, I should have been able to stop-” I cut myself off and strained my eyes, letting out a deep breath to cover the shake in my voice.
I forced air from the nose lightly. I wasn’t sure why. I was anything but amused. I was guilt ridden - every ounce of my being tense because look what I did to him. “I’m glad you didn’t. I said quietly. ”Did you ever think what could have happened? If she died, final three: Either we both made it past the last one, or only one of us would.” I turned my head to glance at him, my eyes feeling heavier than they had before. “Do you have any idea what either of those could have done to me?”
What he said wasn’t anything I hadn’t considered myself, that we were getting down to the end and it would potentially come down to us squaring off against each other and we would both do whatever was necessary. It didn’t mean that either of us had to like it.
“You’re starting to sound like me.” I said over a forced laugh, blinking away the moisture in my eyes.
“I’m not trying to.” I said honestly. “ But I know I wouldn’t have been able to do it. Fight against you. Leave without you.” The last words left as I covered my face in my lap, my face damp with the tears I couldn’t hold in my eyes anymore.
I internalized his words, the last three ringing through my ears and bringing me back to the moments before we had our last stand, how I wanted to tell him that I would have wanted him to go on, to live for not only himself but for me. It would have broken me even more to watch him waste away should he have won, not with all the potential I saw in him. I knew I would have pressed on for him, for us.
I shut my eyes for a moment and when I opened them I saw him hunched over, visible tears streaking his face. It’s like whatever I was feeling moments before melted away seeing him like that, and without another word I leaned over and wrapped my arms around him, pulling him in close, “Nate, it’s, it’s alright. I’m right here.” I said quietly, “I’m not going anywhere.”
The feeling of his touch again calmed me down some. These things weren’t threats anymore. I’d never have to consider them again - ever. “I’m alright.” I said, raising my head and wiping my face with the back of my hand.
I held him for a moment longer after he spoke, the faintest hint of a smile tugging at my lips when I spied the usual spot Kallie used to sit whenever we came up here and with it a flood of memories that caused my smile to broaden. I thought back to all the late nights we spent up here, and how maybe now I could share that all with him.
“Good, ‘cause as my best friend used to say, ‘you look kinda pathetic when you cry.’” I joked, letting him go with a playful shove as I sat back down beside him.
“You’re still such an ass.” I said, shoving his shoulder.
“And you still keep me around for whatever reason.” I shot back at him.
“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t need to.”
“Even in death you’re still a clingy bastard.”
I pursed my lips and shrugged. “There’s no lie in that either.” I breathed in as my glance drifted past the tracks in front of us, over the curve of the elevated ground we sat on. Beneath it, more abandoned rows and railing, and miles away, a grieving district. “Why here?” I asked him. The words left me and I simultaneously asked myself ‘Why home?” when I found myself at the front door. I didn’t have an answer entirely.
I sat on his question for a second, retaining the smile and easing where I sat, “Remember back in the Capitol when I was showing, well, trying to show you how to meditate, and that you just have to gather up all the bullshit, put it in a box and toss it off a cliff?” I nodded off the edge of the overhang, “My best friend and I used to come up here and well, use this as our cliff in the literal sense. She went through the same shit I did, drugs and everything. She pretty much laughed in my face the same way you did when I told her about throwing everything off so I told her if I couldn’t get her to do it figuratively we’d do it physically.”
I stood up and walked towards a stacked pile of rusty rails and let my eyes scan the debris until I found half of a broken jar. I picked it up and turned back to him, “Wrote everything down on slips of paper, put ‘em all in a jar and then well,” I lunged the piece of glass off the edge and watched it disappear below us, “I guess this is my way of throwing all the bullshit off a cliff one last time before I actually go and face…everything.”
Listening to him, I could imagine his friend and wondered whether or not if had I had someone with me through any of the years I’d been alive, if it would have been any different. Countless nights spent on the bluff miles behind my house - I used the stars as my audience, alcohol as my microphone. I don’t think I ever let anything out verbally. I don’t think I ever learned how to. Not until all this happened. I stood up and walked over to him, reached down to hug him and took him in my arms.
“I’m really happy I found you,” I said, resting my chin on top his head.
When I came up here I anticipated going through the usual routine I had just spilled out to him; letting the wave of negativity run its course before I knocked some sense back into myself and moved on. It was something I was accustom to doing alone, hell I preferred it, I didn’t ask for him to show up, or Cadence, but when I felt his arms wrap around me and a warmth swell in my chest I found myself thankful that he had. Even in death I was stubborn as all hell. I snaked my arms around him, “So am I.” I said faintly, turning my head to look off the overhang, “She’s probably going to be up here soon, Kallie. You can finally meet her, well sort of, if you want.” I was already anticipating the scene, seeing her consumed in grief and I didn’t want to admit that even I might need support seeing her like that.
As he wrapped his arms I around me I pulled back softly and kissed his forehead. I glanced in the direction he looked. It never occurred to me that he would like me to meet someone he cared about - but glimpses of him mentioning his friend in the Capitol resurfaced. I breathed out slowly. “Sure,” My glance met his again. “If you need me here, if you want me here, sure.”
I did want him here, maybe Cadence was right, that I didn’t deserve to be alone through all this, but that didn’t mean I expected him to stay with me forever, “I’d like that.” I paused, “I, don’t think I’m going to be leaving anytime soon though, not yet, and I’m not expecting you to kick it here with me for eternity.” There were still people here I cared about and I couldn’t ‘move on’ without knowing they’re okay, and I knew there were people back in Three he cared about, or maybe he was ready to ‘move on.’ I would never deny him of that.
In truth the only things holding me back was him, and the possibility that I could go visit my brothers and sister again. Seeing them earlier made it clear they were going to be okay. Leonardo had already moved out and taken Orion and Devon. Devon herself seemed to have matured over night. They would be fine. But I didn’t want to say goodbye yet. I couldn’t say goodbye yet. “I’m not entirely ready either,” leaving out that parting ways with him was one of the reasons. “So, yes, I’ll stay.”
“Have you been to see them, your family and all? Are they alright?” I asked, remembering the controversy he told me about in confidence, “We can go if you haven’t, I mean, I can come with you, if you want.”
“N- no.” I said, releasing him from my arms. “I mean.” I sighed, running my hands through my hair. I couldn’t let myself get that temperamental again. Besides explaining all that, while his mourning friend would undoubtedly show up, he didn’t need this. “I - I don’t want to. I did see them. But not again, I don’t think so. It’s not good, at least for. My brothers and sister are okay. That’s all that matters.” I forced the picture of my mother’s body out of my mind. Mara had helped me through it, I had to remember what she said.
I nodded and didn’t push the issue further. It was obvious it was hurting him, and in a way it pained me to see him like that, knowing that there was something wrong at home and all he could do was sit on the sidelines, powerless to do anything about it. It was a mutual sort of feeling, it’s in part why I wasn’t ready to go home yet, find Kallie and the rest of my friends. But I knew I would have to sooner or later, I wanted to, and maybe one day he’ll be ready do the same, and maybe he won’t.
“If you ever change your mind, I’m here for you, been through enough shit together.” I said with a reassuring smile, trying to break whatever tension may have formed. I let my words hang in between us for a moment, finding his eyes before I leaned up and pressed my lips against his, kissing him deeply while my hands entwining themselves in his hair, a sense of completion washing over me as everything I had felt with him in life carried on in death.
“… thanks.” I said, the word came out small but it was dense with realism and gratitude. The faint and tired smile on my lips grew stronger and more comfortable as I looked into his eyes. And then his lips touched mine. I leaned into him, my eyes slowly falling shut, that lacking feeling I had since Mara pulled me away from home subsiding as his hands crawled through my hair. I held his waist, my hands slowly feeling around him. I sighed into his kiss, feeling so heavy with what I was experiencing - it was hard to believe I was dead and still have him do this to me, make me feel these things.
When we finally pulled away I rested my chin on his head and hugged him tightly, my vision going watery. I smiled, still holding him, my eyes fixed on the city in the distance but my mind focused on completely other things. “Thanks for taking care of me.”
I shut my eyes and tried not to be too critical of myself when I heard him speak again, what Cadence said earlier echoing through my mind, “You did so much good in your life. You need to focus on the good and not the bad.”
I tilted my head up and found his lips again, smiling into him gently, “It’s what I do for the people I care most about.”
Somewhere On the Other Side of No Where || Death || OS
Everything happened so fast.
Noor was on top of him. My instincts kicked in without a second thought. My hand latched onto the first weapon I could grab, her machete. A shot of energy sent me sprinting forward, through the pain of exhausting my injuries with only him in my line of sight.
He’s going to be okay. He’s going to be okay.
The movement of her arm was a blur and I pushed myself like I never had before.
“For fucks sake, I’m trying to take care of you!”
And then I heard his cannon fire, saw his body fall to the ground, a knife in his chest. I froze in my stride, a flood of emotions bursting simultaneously: anger, grief, denial.
This isn’t real. He’s not dead.
“Nate, get up.” I panted quietly.
Those seconds felt like minutes, hours. He wasn’t moving.
He was gone.
“No!” The word burst from my mouth. Noor’s head snapped around and locked eyes with me. I threw my remaining knife and swung the machete as she came to meet me. She ducked under the swipe and knocked me down to the ground. My head crashed against something solid that stunned me and next thing I knew Noor was on top of me.
“Do you know how it feels? Do you understand what it’s like to have someone ripped away from you?”
Yes I fuc-
“He was mine. He was supp’sed to live!”
So was-
A weight was brought down on my throat, the air left my lungs and I couldn’t breathe. My heart started racing, panic coursed through me and an explosive pain burst open in my neck. Blood began to weld up in my mouth and I started to choke for air.
And then everything around me went black.
Just as quickly as everything faded did my sight come back into focus. There was still something dark about it, like a vignette surrounding everything I laid my eyes on.
Everyone had their own views of what comes after death; some version of an afterlife, to be reincarnated and given the opportunity to live again, or nothing, just an empty void with no trace of consciousness. Personally I believed that there is some form of life beyond life. I saw that first hand, in my own sort of way after everything I went through, but what it was exactly, I wasn’t sure.
I can tell you it wasn’t what I saw in front of me when my vision returned, nor was I ready to face it...not yet.
I was standing in my room. It was just as I left it the morning of the Reaping: the bed was made, there were piles of books on my desk with scattered papers beneath them, my backpack off to the side, a small pile of dirty clothes tossed in the corner and the windows open wide.
I touched my face, my chest, my throat. Nothing was wrong, nothing was broken, bleeding, everything was...fine, as if nothing had happened. As if I wasn’t in the Arena with Noor and...Nate.
I walked out of my room and down the hall, my boots failing to make a sound with each tread, their signature squeak against the wooden floor failing to break the silence. The house was empty, but I felt my heart skip and cracked a weak smile seeing both Kit and Steele’s room furnished. They came back.
And it fell just as fast when I realized I wasn’t going to be here to share the space with them, not like before. I’m just, glad I got to see them one last time and tell them that I forgave them for everything that’s happened between us. At least I had some sort of closure in that regard.
But it still hurt knowing we would never be able to be a part of each others lives again. Not in the way we had hoped, I had hoped.
Outside the house I was greeted by the old neighborhood. The air was smoky and still, the hum of wheels on rails and occasional whistle of a passing train pierced the quiet sky. I shut my eyes for a moment, savoring the wave of nostalgia that swept over me, just as I did when I came home from the clinic after being discharged.
A lump formed in my throat knowing that wasn’t the case this time around. I still didn’t know where everyone was-
Yes I do.
My feet took off beneath me, running the same route I had every day for years. Through the neighborhood, past the mechanics shops, the elevated shuttle rails on my left and train rails off in the distance to the right. I jumped over the same pothole I did every time I came this way, the clinic just starting to come into view and-
“Kallie.” I panted under my breath seeing my best friend doubled over on the concrete ground, Jet holding her around her waist and, “Kit? Kit!” I shouted, picking up my pace seeing my sister supporting her. All I could hear was screaming, crying.
“He’s not dead! Don’t tell me he’s fucking gone!” Kallie wailed, her face shining with tears and body visibly starting to shake.
Dread welled up in my chest realizing what she must have just seen, “Fuck-” I spat over a suppressed burst in my voice as I tore into the clinic itself. The white walls blinded me momentarily, as if I forgot what it looked like in here already. It was quiet, an eerie sort of quiet. Everywhere I looked someone had their head down, their arms around someone else, or were staring off blankly.
I half jogged down the main corridor, my eyes set on the double doors that led into the rec room where I finally found everyone else.
And it took everything in me not to turn right around.
The television screen that aired the Games was cracked in several spaces, faint smears of blood glistening over the indents that caused the entire image to fall to mere static. Not a pace away sat Steele, his fist torn up and soaked in blood, his head hung and tears streaming down his face. Next to him were my parents, my father and Lyte supporting my mother who was midst hysterics.
I pushed my back against a wall and slid down to the floor. My hands started to shake, I ran them through my hair and pressed them against my ears as I hung my head and clenched my eyes shut, trying to tune out what was going on around me. It was too much. I felt weak, scared, helpless and alone. I felt like I was trapped in another dream only this time I wouldn’t wake up.
The sound grew louder, it was almost deafening. And then it vanished, all that once. My eyes snapped open and I raised my head, letting my arms rest on my knees. The rec room was empty and lights dimmed, the television screen still shattered on the wall and chairs arranged out of order. That was one of the playful rules Lyte always had regarding the end of a meeting; all the chairs had to be placed back in order.
I stood and walked slowly around the perimeter of the room, my eyes falling to the place in the ring of chairs where I usually sat, where I first made my confession of how I saw myself and what I wanted to move past. Kallie always sat on my right, Lyte to my left, Sometimes Kallie would switch places with me, if she was in that bad of a bind and needed two shoulders to support her. I clenched my jaw and bit down on the bottom of my lip, a pained sort of exhale passing my lips as I forced myself to finally leave the room.
Who was going to fill that seat now that I was gone? Who was going to be her rock and support when she needed it the most?
My walk out of the clinic was slower, memories flooding me with each turn, with each room I passed and each name that was set on each door. The people who helped shape me into who I am- who I was, who helped me move past the biggest obstacle in my life and were my rock and support when I fumbled, when I was afraid I would fail, lapse and end up slumped over dead in an alley with a needle in my arm and mouthful of pills.
I paused outside my old room, the window now tinted and the name of a nurse painted on the outside. I remember when it was first converted, Kallie joked with me that one day it’d be my office seeing as how this was the line of work I was planning on going into, “You’ve lived in there long enough, might as well make it permanent.” she joked.
I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my jacket and kept moving, letting my feet guide me naturally the rest of the way out.
A lot of people say that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die, your good memories and your bad, all the people you’ve met and places you’ve been. That’s not what I saw a little over four years ago when I nearly lost mine in the wake of my overdose. I didn’t see anything; no faces, no good memories or bad.
All I could think about was what I was leaving behind, all that I had yet to accomplish, the mistakes I had made and how I would give anything to go back and right my wrongs, the people who would be affected and what they would do in the wake of my loss It filled me with panic, fear, but also a determination to cling onto life and ensure that the worst wouldn’t come to fruition.
Now that I was on the other side of the veil and saw it first hand, I almost wished I saw my life flash before my eyes rather than be reminded of what I’ll never have. A future, my family back together, anything at all.
“Nate…” I trailed off. The scene in the forest replayed in my head, Noor plunging a knife into his heart, the look in his eyes as we saw each other one final time.
My legs grew weak. I paused and rested my forehead against a wall, clenching my eyes shut and trying to force the image from mind, the guilt and pain from my heart. I knew well before we stepped foot in the Arena and each day that followed that there was a chance I would see him fall, but I didn’t know that I would come to care as much as I had for him in the process.
Maybe this was karma’s last blow to me.
My heart told me to go back home, to Kallie’s, to make sure they were alright, to look for Nate, but instead I found myself moving away from the clinic, from where my house was.
I wasn’t ready to face what I was leaving behind.
I came to the old abandoned rail site where Kallie, Jet and I loiter-used to…loiter. It was a little bit away from the central hub of the District, not quite on the outskirts but was far removed enough to seem like it was a world of its own. Most of the old rails had rusted down with time or were covered with concrete and trash.
I stepped up onto the old line I usually walked on when we came up this way, my balance coming naturally and followed it to the elevated overhang where we spent our nights, talking about this and that, daring each other to scale the highest pile of debris and watching the main hub of life in the District operate like a flawless beating heart.
I sat on the edge of the overhang, pulling my knees up to my chest and letting my head rest on them, my eyes wandering off into the distance. My chest felt heavy, my head was spinning and a feeling of emptiness flooded my body. It felt like I was drugged again, that I wasn’t in control of myself after I endured and fought against. Every drop of self criticism and doubt welled up in my head, it felt like there were multiple voices screaming at me, pointing out every flaw, every mistake, every failure.
Was this what it felt like to be on the verge of a relapse?
“What are you doing up here all alone?” a small voice said beside me.
I turned my head and met the soft brown eyes of a little girl I hadn’t seen in years. Her skin was clean, a white dress on her body that made her stand out from the dark haze that was still clouding my vision. An expression of worry written across her face, one that I remembered all too well.
“Cadence?” I said quietly.
“Why are you all by yourself?” she repeated.
I stared at her speechless, struggling to find something to say, “What are you doing here?” I finally mumbled.
“I was looking for you. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
It seemed pointless to answer her question. I knew there was a possibility I wouldn’t walk out of the Arena, that this would be my fate, “I’m not ready to face everything. Not yet…” I trailed off for a moment, “You shouldn’t be worrying about me, not after the way I treated you and left you alone when you needed someone the most.” I said, my volume barely above a whisper
“But, you didn’t let me down.” she said gently, “I knew you still cared about me. I’ve been watching out over you and Mommy and Cooper, and your Mommy and Daddy. Steele and Kit too.” Her lips picked up to a small smile, “I was so happy when you got better from everything and you started helping people. They wouldn’t be where they are today if you weren’t there for them.”
I clenched my jaw and strained my eyes as her words revived memories of when I first met Kallie, when she told me that if it wasn’t for me she wouldn’t be where she was today, and even now I still looked at her with love and pride for everything she has overcome.
She leaned in and wrapped her arms around me, resting her head on my shoulder, “You did so much good during your life, Tracker, and everyone is so proud of you, me included. You need to focus on the good and not the bad. That’s what you used to tell me, that it can’t rain all the time. Remember?” she paused,
“He knew how much you cared about him.”
I sat motionless before I turned took her into my arms, clenching my eyes shut hoping it would quickly banish the moisture that was beginning to brim, “Thanks, Cad.”
“Remember what Ms. Lyte told you, about forgiving yourself? You still need to do that, even here. It’s not good to let all that negative energy build up inside you.”
“That’s a little deep for someone your age, ain’t it?” I said over a quiet chuckle as I let her go.
“Maybe.” she giggled, “But I’ve been paying attention to what she’s said to you, and you promised her you would learn to forgive yourself.”
“Exactly how much have you seen and heard?”
“Enough to know that you don’t deserve to be alone.” she said with a warm smile.
I clenched my eyes shut and rotated my right arm as I followed North and Nate through the woods back to the site where we’ve camped out the last few days. Jacinta was still cradled in North’s arms, her cries dulling down to soft whimpers from the attack. We all had agreed it would be smart to put some distance between us and where that all happened in the off chance we attracted some unwanted attention.
“Here, let me.” North insisted when we finally stopped and took the little bandages and wipes I had left to patch her up. I could see the guilt in his face, seeing as how he crashed into her and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t share the feeling. I gave her that hatchet to protect herself, I should have been there to take care of her.
While North attended to her Nate and I sat off to the side and started cleaning ourselves up. The effects of the morphling had long since worn off. I was still sore, the grogginess passed and I had come down from the high. I wasn’t lingering too much on what I did, that I fell to an old vice after I swore off it. Nate and Nora were right. It was medicine, not a cheap fix. It was necessary. They helped me through it, both of them.
More than he knows.
I was only partly adrift when I felt him beside me in the kitchen, his hand trace over my face and through my hair. Every movement made my skin warm, calmed my nerves and eased my mind. It was a small gesture on the surface but it meant much more than that, likewise how he didn’t think any less of me for being hesitant to take the injection. I still felt pathetic for not being able to do it myself.
Sometimes admitting that you need help is a sign of strength in itself. It doesn’t make you weak, and it shows who really does care about you.
I don’t think he realized how much I appreciated him stepping in without my asking.
“Well, how’d it go?” Kallie sang behind me.
“It was...nice.” I said halfheartedly as she linked her arm with mine after I got out of class.
“Nice as in….?”
“I don’t know.” I chuckled, “She was-”
“Perfect for you in every sort of way and you’re just being an idiot?” Kallie shot back with an air of annoyance while pausing in her step.
I exhaled and shrugged over a forced smile.
“For fucks sake - do you want to be alone your entire life?”
“No, I’m just...not as ready as I thought I was.”
“You always say that though.”
“Pft.”
“No one’s ever ‘ready’ when they meet the right person. You think I was banking on meeting Jet when I did?”
“Nope.” I said, drawing out the ‘o’ and popping the ‘p.’ I could tell she was getting frustrated with me, she always did whenever it came to me and dating and part of me found it funny. I couldn’t help but antagonize her.
“You know what, I hope the ‘right’ person comes out of the fucking blue and throws you on your ass at the most inopportune time. Maybe then you’ll finally let someone in.” she huffed.
“So what, you going to tell me about the birds and the bees next, kiddo?” I grinned.
“‘Kiddo?’ Who you-you fucking little shit!” she shouted after I stuck my foot out and tripped her and took off running.
Nate and I hadn’t really talked about what happened this morning at the feast, what happened after. I could tell it was still weighing heavily on his mind, and somewhere deep down it was weighing on mine as well. Not because of what I did to protect myself.
But because I almost lost him in the process.
Those moments of lucidity I had in the kitchen before I fell asleep, feeling his hand wander through my hair, made me realize not only how much he cared about me, but I was able to feel it, the sense of comfort and warmth it stirred my in my chest. It was like I finally understood what he meant the first night we were here.
“What did you mean last night, when you said you…cared? I mean, why do you, not to say I don’t think it’s- I must look like a real asshole right now.” I forced a quiet laugh to cover my nerves.
“I..” he began before trailing off, “God. I meant it like that. I meant it exactly how you think I did. And I still mean it that way.”
I only had a vague idea of what he meant seeing as how this whole....thing we had was entirely new to me, but it became clearer over the last few days. His aura never faltered, there was still light to it despite what we were facing. I saw that first hand after we found Cadence’s body, how he spoke with his actions more than he did words, something I was notoriously known for when it came to situations like this.
But hey, even I had my moments where my voice overshadowed my actions.
“I’m not trying to be your fucking counselor!” I shouted at Nate while I struggled to keep his fists at bay, “I’m trying to be your fucking friend here! I’m doing this because I fucking care about you!”
The words slipped from my mouth, but they felt natural. Hell, everything I’ve done since we entered the Arena felt natural, and I don’t mean just the acts of self-preservation.
“Stay back here with her, I got this.”
“You’re not doing this alone, I’m not useless.” Nathaniel retorted.
“I never said you were-”
“Then let me help.”
“For fucks sake, Nate, I’m trying to care of you!” I said, glancing at him through the visor of the helmet.
I didn’t think twice about filling two pairs of shoes when he had to wear that helmet for 24 hours and keeping him out of harm’s way, even if it was at my own expense. I lied to him about what the trial was behind Octavia’s portrait because I didn’t want him to worry, but he was right there to pick me up when I was down, even if he was mad at me when he found out the truth after the helmet came off.
And hearing him scream like that sent a jolt of panic through my body.
“Nate? Nate. It’s okay, you’re going to be okay. I’m right here.”
A wave of relief passed over me seeing that he was okay, a bit put off by his claim that he could “see heat,” but being able to see his face again, feel his lips against mine,
It made me realize how much I did actually care about him.
We agreed to fight by each other, not for, and we have done exactly that. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t...care about him. He was more than just an “ally,” even more than a friend. Maybe it was me growing soft, weak.
Or maybe it was that “inopportune time” coming around to throw me on my ass.
There was only so few of us left. Our time together was coming to a close, and there was nothing either of us could do about it. We...knew this was coming, would do what’s necessary, just like we agreed upon, but it didn’t mean I was ready.
I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.
My eyes strayed from North and Jacinta to Nate. I saw the weight on his shoulders, felt the tension in his aura, and all I wanted to do was alleviate it, to assure him everything would be alright, give him the sort of comfort and therapy he had given me this entire time. It was only now I felt oblivious for not seeing it sooner.
His eyes moved and locked with mine, silence looming between us as if we were waiting for the other to say something.
I wanted to tell him how I really felt, how much I appreciated him being by my side and enduring this whole mess with me, how even if I didn’t make it out of this and he did I wanted him to live for me, for us. How I wanted him to go back home and take care of his family, and that he’ll always have someone looking out for him in Six.
But my voice failed me.
“Your actions always speak louder than words.”
I leaned over and gently pressed my lips against his, once, twice, my hand trailing along his cheek to the back of his head, my fingers entangling themselves in his hair. His lips responded in kind, each kiss fuller, deeper, my chest warming with a passion that I only ever felt with him. I lost myself in the moment and let my body move against his as he pulled me in close, like this would be the last chance I had to see him, feel him, feel anything. I didn’t want to let him go.
I let my forehead rest against his when we broke away, a faint smile on my face, and when I opened my eyes and found his again everything melted away. I found that solace and comfort I felt when we were in my room the night before the launch, the memory causing my smile to spread and what he said to echo through my mind. I knew what he had meant, in what context and that he was being truthful. His actions spoke for himself that night, just as mine have where words failed me.
I couldn’t let anything happen without him knowing.
“I’ll take care of you.” I said faintly before letting my lips find his, as if I was sealing my words. A part of me knew I didn’t need to say it.
‘Cause if he hadn’t figured it out by now, then maybe I ain’t the only one who can’t pick up on other people’s signals.
“Nate. Track.” North called over to us quietly.
“Jac?” I said moving to where the trainer was supporting her head on his leg. I lowered myself to the ground and took her hand. Her breathing was labored, and I finally got a good glance at her injuries. There were multiple gashes and slash marks from the hatchet and I could only guess how badly her body was broken, “Hey, it’s okay. You’re going to be okay. I’m,” I paused, “sorry..this happened to you.”
She coughed up a bit of blood and mustered a small sort of smile while shaking her head, “No, thank you…for..” she trailed off over a long exhale, her eyelids falling slightly and her hands fell limp in ours.
I shut my eyes and gave her hand a squeeze before I let it rest across her stomach. North’s face fell and I couldn’t gauge Nate’s. I knew he wasn’t a fan of her, but she was still a human being whose life was taken by the Games.
Even thinking about that fact seemed entirely ironic.
Linked back up with Nate in the manor. We managed to get North down to the kitchen with us where we patched ourselves up. Nora sent me a dose of morphling and I begrudgingly let Nate help me take it.
I clocked out not long after and woke up to see Nate passed out and North up and moving. yey.
We had a quick bite and then moved back out to the woods for Jacinta.
Then I punched myself in the face all our weapons from the armory began attacking us. Also North Captain America flew around for a while. Jacinta got knocked around pretty badly.
Current location
Woods on the east side of the Arena.
Allies
Nate, North and Jacinta (kinda)
Injuries
Fractured hip, collar bone, and middle and 4th toe (iced, treated, and healing substantially s/o to the rain cloud) Cut on chest and arm, stab wounds on hip and hand, bruised chest, face and stomach, busted nose, slashes across back. (all cleaned, treated and bandaged), cut on shoulder, bruised cheek (cleaned, treated and bandaged)
Pack C contents [fishing net (bit tattered), ¼ roll of antiseptic bandages, vial of insect pheromones], goggles, hook (x2), thermos with milky mangrove, goldenseal, hypno-peacock feathers, blanket, bull meat, 2 antiseptic wipes, 9 matches, water bottle w/ polish, noose, and a trading card with North on it.
Tracker flinched slightly and raised a brow in confusion when he felt something moving in his jacket, “Uh-” he stuck his uninjured hand into his pocket and felt for his brass knuckles. As he withdrew the weapon his elbow jerked back with a sudden force, “Whoa, what the he-” he began, only to be cut off when his own fist made contact with his cheek.
Nathaniel shifted his glance just in time to see Tracker hit himself. He furrowed his brow and rested the diamond hatchet down by his leg, legitimately confused but undeniably amused about what the hell he was cursing about.
“Shit-” Tracker coughed as his fist containing the weapon came for him again, his opposite hand seizing the assaulting wrist and holding it at bay. As his hand flew for… himself?… again, Nathaniel laughed audibly, covering his face with a hand, but it was really of no use.
“This isn’t fucking funny!” Tracker shot at his ally, “You ever see Idle Hands? I ain’t about tha-” His hand nearly clipped his chin and Tracker slammed the brass knuckles to the dirt floor and brought his diamond hatchet down onto the piece once, twice, three times. It laid motionless, embedded in the soft ground with two of its rings slightly dented.
“That’s fucking rich.” Nathaniel said, breathing for air.
Tracker huffed and turned to his allies, massaging his face and couldn’t help but crack a smirk at how ridiculous the whole scene must have looked, “It’s nice to see you smiling again, even if it’s at my expense.” he chuckled.
Nate had barely regained his composure when a number of blades poked and pierced at his back through his backpack. “Fucking christ,” He said. He dropped the back onto the floor, watching it jump and lurch half a foot into the air. “… I just.” He chuckled again. “Oh god.”
Nathaniel considered opening the bag and letting all the weapons fly out. There seemed to be no other plausible solution that could spare the items inside.
“This is fucking ridiculous.” Tracker hissed through his teeth as dropped his pack to the ground and gave it a gentle prod with his diamond hatchet noticing nothing amiss. He looked to Jacinta and North who were eyeing both he and Nathan with an air of confusion.
“What on earth are you-” the Capitol woman spoke before a slight shriek erupted from her mouth as the hatchet in her hand swung into her leg.
Despite the fact the woman had grown on Tracker he paid her woes little attention as one of the throwing knives tucked in his boot began to quiver. Before he faced a torn ankle he dug his hand for the handle just as the blade flew from his person. He resisted the pull of the weapon and in a moment of contested strength managed to plunge the weapon into the dirt while his hatchet drove into the blade. Moments later the knife lay bent and warped, So much for that, Tracker thought as he stomached his loss.
Nathaniel opened the zipper of his bag only a few inches to allow only the smallest weapons out first. The bag jerked and flopped energetically on the ground for a few moments before two shuriken came flying towards him. He swatted at the first star with his sickle, the second was slicing his ear. The star fell to the ground and he instantly stomped on it with his foot. The second star came whizzing back, circling Nathaniel and dodging his attempts to hit it into the ground. It lagged for a moment, allowing him to hit it dead on. It buried itself into the ground and Nate quickly stomped on the both of them until they stopped moving.
A swift movement from behind Tracker indicated his second throwing knife came to life, the blade circling around him. He swiped his hatchet to deflect the blade’s assault and missed as it whizzed past him and sliced through his jacket, drawing a fresh line of red in the process. He barely flinched and smacked the knife off course as it came for him again, throwing his body onto the blade before it could fly free. He groaned and fumbled for it, holding it down with one foot while his hatchet beat it into submission.
The remaining three shuriken from Nathaniel’s pack fought their way out through the slip and searched around for a body to attack. Nathaniel hid behind a tree behind his pack with the diamond hatchet, listening for the sharp whipping sound the made when they thrust themselves into a direction. He heard them fly away from his backpack, prompting him to leave the tree. He identified one of the throwing stars and slashed at it with hatchet. It fought back, clashing with the metal of Nate’s weapon repeatedly before falling to the floor, tamed. The remaining two came hurdling at him simultaneously. He ducked, letting the one aiming for his head pass, and slashed the lower hovering one with his hatchet. He pounded it into the ground with the butt of his hatchet, the star splitting.
Once his throwing knife lay still Tracker turned his attention to his pack where a more daunting weapon hovered in place: his hatchet. He dodged past it’s first strike, quickly drawing his fishing net and unraveling it in his hand. The blade’s swift movement nearly caused him to lose his footing as he lashed the net out in front of him, entangling the hatchet. It flailed madly to get loose, and before he lost the net entirely Tracker brought his diamond hatchet down on its’ standard equivalent, slicing through a portion of the net until his newfound weapon of choice lay beaten, it’s blade chipped and handle cracked.
Mere moments later, Nathaniel’s four throwing knives from the armory flew in his direction. “Fuck… everything.” He said, turning quickly and running into the woods. He turned direction every so often, three of the four eager knives burying themselves deeply into the trunks of trees. Nathaniel doubled back when he could, locating the knives and beating the handles until they broke off, rending the knives useless. The last knife came directly at his throat as he neared their original spot. He swung the hatchet into the blade multiple times before the knife seemed to give up and collapse to the floor.
Tracker held himself still and let his eyes wander for any sign of movement, “Is that…everything?”
“I’m pretty sure I have a set of asshole brass knuckles in my pack.” Nate said, kicking his bag half a foot along the grass. Expectedly, the brass knuckles hovered out from the bag. “Yeah, no.” Nathaniel said, lifting his foot before the knuckles managed to clear six inches from the ground. He stomped them into the dirt.They struggled trying to unbury themselves as Nathaniel pulled the hammer from his bag. He delivered hits to each of the knuckles, bending and warping the metal, until they sat motionless.
“Um…guys?” North’s quiet voice beckoned. The duo turned to see the trainer hovering in mid-air, clutching the shield he had taken from the armory tightly to his chest.
Tracker couldn’t suppress the laugh that slipped from his mouth, a combination of frustration and disbelief, a similar expression on his ally’s.
North’s massive form came barreling towards Nathaniel and Tracker, the boys darting out of the way before whatever possessed the trainer’s armor veered him off course in Tracker’s direction, sending him crashing into the boy, “Sorry! I can’t control this!” North apologized before he headed towards Nathaniel. He made direct contact with Nathaniel and spun slightly as the shield in his grasp struggled for freedom, “Sorry! Sorry!”
Nathaniel jumped back to his feet, keeping his hammer and hatchet at the ready while Tracker did the same, “Jac! Watch!” Tracker shouted.
The Capitol woman shouted in terror as North body-checked her, sending her to the ground with the possessed hatchet still assaulting her, “Jac! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”
“Hang on.” Tracker hissed through his teeth as he unraveled his noose and tied one end to a tree’s branch, “North! Here!” he called, the breastplate redirecting the trainer towards Six. North managed to slip one hand free from the struggling shield and grab the noose, putting him on a leash. Three and Six dogpiled on the trainer, forcing him to the ground and keeping him in place.
“Sorry about this.” Tracker spoke as Nathaniel brought his hammer down repeatedly on the breastplate, the armor absorbing the impact of the blows and keeping the trainer’s center mass unharmed. Soon the trainer lay still, save for his arms that swung back and forth with the shield still in place.
“You alright?” Nathaniel asked North.
“Yea. I just don’t know how you guys want to handle this last one.” he responded, motioning to the shield.
“Let it go.” Nathaniel said, getting up from the trainer and keeping his weapons at the ready, Tracker a pace from him.
North understood what the boys had planned and got to his feet, “We’ve only got about a 10 second window. You miss that window and we’re all just bugs on a windshield!”
He swung his body as he released the shield, hurling across the open space in the woods. Before it struck an oak tree it changed course and came back towards the group like a boomerang, Nathaniel timing his strike and swinging his hammer against the steel shield, the impact forcing it back mid-air. Tracker followed through with diamond hatchet, the boys trading blow-for-blow until the dented shield fell to the ground.
“Jac.” Tracker said as he dove to take care of the finale hatchet that still hovered over Jacinta. As he approached the weapon abandoned her and came after him, Tracker snatching the broken shield to protect himself as he cracked the hatchet across the handle, parrying off with his diamond axe until the bloodied weapon fell to the ground.
The Capitol woman laid sprawled on the ground, battered and bloodied from the hatchet’s assault, “Hey, hey, Jac. Talk to me, stay with me.” Tracker said gently as he bunched up the blanket from his pack and put it under her head before checking her injuries. She was cut up, sobbing quietly as she begged to go home. Neither of the tribute’s could comment on the matter.
“Here, I got her.” North said as he scooped her up in his arms while the boys salvaged their weapons.
“Yeah, you’re probably right.” We could have ended up with an outlier-hating psycho. After I cleaned up the cut on my leg I bandaged it and cleaned the smaller cuts and bruises I had. Last was my arm and the wound on my side, but Track seemed to be having a hard time with the morphling when he returned to the table.
I forced air from my nose, a sort of lazy laughter. That he could ever think something like that. He really had no clue of the kind of things that went through my mind. “You won’t ever look pathetic to me.” I said, leaning forward, placing a kiss on his cheek. “Besides, its understandable.”
I took the syringe and positioned it at the base of his forearm. I moved the needle, piercing it into his skin and pushing the plunger. Moments later the barrel was empty. “Are you okay?” I asked him as I removed the needle and placed it on the table.
I couldn’t help but smile slightly when he spoke and reassured me that I was alright. I let him take the syringe from my hand and laid my arm out straight for him. I shut my eyes and let my body relax, if I tensed up it would only hurt more but at this point it would probably feel like a poke compared to everything else. I let my thumb drag along my ring on my opposite hand and didn’t even flinch when the needle pierced my skin.
I kept my breathing steady, and it didn’t take long to feel the effects of the drug course through my system. Slowly all the pain began to fade away, my body eased in a way that seemed entirely foreign and I started feeling tired, drained, like nothing around me mattered at this point. I felt sick.
Why did I ever get hooked on this in the first place? What’s everyone back home thinking watching me do this; my family, friends, the people I’ve helped?
I put my head down on the table and shook my head when he asked if I was alright, “I just need a minute.” I said quietly as I resisted the nausea and feeling of disgust that was starting to take me. I felt his hand begin to rub up and down my back, and I winced slightly as he touched my wounds, “Hey, Nate?” I said lifting my head and opening an eye, “Thanks.”
I gave his hand a squeeze and let my lips find his, kissing him before I was out cold. I had no idea how long I was out for but when I woke up I was lying on the table with ice packs on my body. I felt a little groggy, but not too bad. Nate was passed out on another table and, “North?” I exclaimed seeing the trainer awake and armed.
“Hey, Track! About time you woke up. How’re you feeling?” Apparently Nate got him to come to after I knocked out and he agreed to take watch while we rested. He didn’t ask about where our injuries came from, and truthfully I didn’t have the heart to tell him. “I took a quick trip to the armory while you two were asleep. I saw you were missing a hatchet and I couldn’t tell if Nathaniel lost any knives.” he said, passing us over freshly polished weapons. He really was too good for this.
We got Nate to come to and gave our injuries another clean up. We had something to eat and drink before moving out of the manor towards the woods to see if Jacinta was still around, “Jac?” I said quietly, “Jac, it’s us. Where are you?”
He downplayed everything as if things weren’t happening to the extent that they actually were. I wished I could do that - to be okay and settled so easily. My mind was too hyper to for that. “Sure, whatever is fine.” I said.
Getting North down the stairs was difficult but we managed to carry him without hurting him more than he already was from the debris. I was surprised he was still out. When we settled him on the floor I checked for a pulse. His body was still warm. Something came for Tracker and while I finished looking North over, he sat down at a table to open it.
I set my coat off to the side and peeled off my shirt to look at the wound on my side. It wasn’t bleeding as much as it was before - but it was sore with my turns. The slash on my arm left by one of Scylla’s hatchets stung and bled with my movements. “My leg has two others. More of the same.” Other than that, I had a couple slices and wounds from her throwing stars, but they were the least of my problems.
“We got him down two flights of stairs, I’m sure we can manage. As for capitol scum, she wouldn’t go two feet in anyway direction without us.” I said. I took the bandages and antiseptic from my bag. As I slid the waist of my jeans down to my lower thigh, he rolled a syringe back and forth across the table. Listless and calm but I could sense the feelings associated with it weren’t so serene. I didn’t have to think about it to know what’s up. The wound on my leg was nasty but I cleaned the blood from around it. “It’s just medicine this time. It’s necessary. I can help you if you need it.”
I grit my teeth taking off my jacket and my shirt. It was more of a torn rag at this point. I tossed aside and Nate gave me a hand attending to the cuts on my back, “She ain’t all that bad. Dumb, but she’s been an extra body the last few days.” I still wasn’t her biggest fan but she helped out where she could, if you can call it that, “We could have landed someone worse, try and think of it that way.”
I mulled over his words while I patched up the rest of my injuries and went over to the sink to make up some of those ice packs Jacinta made after Octavia’s trial. It was nice, his reassurance. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, he was right. Nora too This was necessary. I knew it would dull the pain, help my body begin to recover. I wouldn’t lose myself in it the way I had 4-5 years ago. I’m better than that, smarter than that.
I dunked my head under the cool water and cleaned my face off before sitting back at the table, “It’s alright. I can do this.” I pulled on the spare shirt I had held onto.
I exhaled softly through my nose and turned over my arm so that my crook was exposed. I took one of the wipes and cleaned the skin again, then laid the tip of the needle just above it. It’s necessary. It’s not like you haven’t done this before. And still I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It made me feel like a coward, weak. I don’t think he’s ever seen me like this before.
“Sorry.” I chuckled, “I must look pretty fucking pathetic to you right now.” I bit down on my cheek and when I heard him speak I didn’t argue to let him take lead.
A sponsorship gift falls down in front of Tracker, the container is relatively small and inside is a syringe filled with a liquid that he just knows is Morphling. Inside there is a note.
“To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed. You don’t have to use it, but it will help with the pain - Nora x.”
Scylla’s body lay crumpled in the midst of the fires that were just then beginning to die down, a charcoal black mess that I had put there. I left in silence, save for the occasional snap and sputter of a flame eager to take more lives; to destroy more meaning. My limbs were aching and sore in the places I had been slashed and stabbed. But they were nothing compared to the pain I knew I’d be feeling had I not find Tracker. As I climbed the stairs leading to the second floor, that voice that pestered me when this all started returned - determined, unforgiving, ruthless. It laughed a drunken laugh, ridiculing in tone, condescending in approach. Look at you… when did you become so heartless?
I beckoned it to shut up, to leave me alone. But you can’t tell yourself to shut up. You can’t leave yourself alone. Are you exactly what you fear yet? I cleared the stairs and readied my hatchet. I didn’t know if I did it for safety precautions or if I did it in frustration with that voice. You’ll be worse. And then if he dies? When he dies. He probably already is.
I gripped the hatchet tighter, my knuckles going white at the fold. It was a sickening tension running down my neck and through my arms. This is what I was afraid of. I can admit that much to myself, I don’t need pride. I hated being numb. I harbored such an aversion for the lack of feeling in me for so long. I found something that brought back and now it will be what throws me over this edge.
Sometime while trying to control myself I entered the roof. Kiya’s broken body was the first thing I saw. The voice wouldn’t hesitate to judge and chide me for it - but relief hit me so hard I felt my body run weak. To the side, ready with a weapon, stood Tracker. I met his eyes, suddenly realizing how dry my mouth was. I tried to return the joke but.. I was fucking tired. I blinked, running a hand through my hair. “… she deserved it.”
Looking at Kiya’s body I tried to determine how she died. It was merciful, I could tell that much, most of it in defense. I compared it to me. How I torched Scylla. How I nailed her to the wall. How it felt kinda good giving to her what I believed she deserved. I cursed under my breath, forcing the thoughts away where I couldn’t see them.
I turned back to Track, immediately noticing how beaten up he was. “Shit.” I said. “How bad are you?” I slide my backpack off my shoulder and dug through it looking for the morphling I took from Scylla. “Are you in pain?” I asked as I found it and pulled it from my bag.
For as short of a time as I’ve known Nate we’ve been through a lot together, and through all that time I’ve never seen him like this. But it didn’t surprise me, after all, he had pointed out that I was adapting to this whole shit show better than most have, and despite what I’ve done, what I’m sure I’ll have to do again, I was alright. It was obvious he wasn’t and I’m not sure what I could say to remedy the situation.
Just like when he took the helmet off I let him be until he approached me first, “I’m fiiiine.” I said, drawing out my words over a slight smile. . It was obvious I wasn’t not in pain, between working on mending limbs and the mark Kiya left on me. He didn’t look too bad himself, “You want to get out of the open though? Maybe back to the kitchen, get some water?” I saw him looking at Kiya’s body. I didn’t know if he met her prior to this, and in the off chance he did I didn’t want to linger.
It was a bitch but we managed to carefully drag North’s body down to the kitchen and lay him on the floor. I lowered myself into a seat when a parachute came floating down for me. I raised a brow and couldn’t help but smile reading Nora’s note, “Thanks, kiddo.”
But my face fell neutral when I saw what was inside. Morphling.
This wasn’t the first time I’ve come across it since I got out of rehab, hell it was within arms reach when we were training in the Capitol. It never tempted me, or threw me into some anxious panic attack the way one would think. I sighed and let the syringe sit on the table, rolling it back and forth between the grooves until Nate came and sat beside me. I forced a smile and dug out the antiseptic wipes and bandages, “Lemme see.” I said motioning for him to show me his injuries, “You think we can lug him out to Jacinta?...you think she’s still waiting for us?” I laughed slightly.
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