The National Kazoo

AN ELBOW RASPBERRY OF TRUTH IN AN OTHERWISE SILENT CLASSROOM.

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Ricotta And Pear, Cauliflower-Crust, Pizza Eater Finds Pineapple Topping Insane

"Putting delicious toppings on pizza is crazy!" said Viacom's most recent agent of naivete, continuing "I'm excited for the CIA's next directive about my opinion." The pizza purist then bit deeply into a gluten-free, dutch oven-baked, llama dung-fired, focaccia and pomegranate slice of pizza while adding a 'no-buns on hotdogs!' icon to his chess.com profile.

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Catholic Wife So Rad Trad She Demands Her Own Parents Get Remarried

Devoted housewife and mother of three Emily Duquesne fully committed to her traditional lifestyle Wednesday by insisting that her own piece-of-shit, baby-boomer, parents get back together and start acting like respectable grandparents to her three adorable children.

"An indispensable part of the traditional family," said Mrs. Duquesne "is things like holiday celebrations with grandparents and other extended family. Not stupid-ass hippie shit like driving around to satisfy six different court ordered visitations!"

Mrs. Duquesne and her husband are part of a growing trend of people demanding that society and its institutions return to a minimum basic level of human fuckin decency.

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Half Of Public School Students Cannot Find Kiev On A Map     Of The United States

When asked to identify which US State the billions, and billions, and billions of dollars in Ukrainian aid were sent to, nearly half of free-or-reduced lunch recipients at publicly funded elementary schools were unable to find anywhere by that name among the country's more-than fifty States and territories.

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Man Nine Layers Deep In System Settings To Undo Change Made Accidentally By His Pocket

After fifteen minutes of searching online, frequent cellfone user Tyler Wilkens learned that he could change the font-size for all applications, titles, and captions on his device by swiping twice to bring up the main menu, then selecting the system icon, choosing settings, and selecting displays, then clicking advanced, searching for the expression 'handicap accessibility', scrolling down the results to privacy, and selecting manage fonts, then clicking 'ok' on the warning prompt, scrolling down again to application fonts, clicking on a drop-down menu, selecting an appropriate font-size, and confirming a restart before the change could take effect.

All of which was accomplished in less than three seconds by the slightly-damp pocket of his gym shorts.

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Major League Team Invites Islamic Blasphemy Group ... No Wait, Anti-Semitic Transvestites ... No Wait, Not That One Either

Owner’s representatives for the Los Angeles team said “There is nothing more important to the game of baseball than sharing the degenerate sexual deviancy of cross-dressing heretics with your children.” adding “Especially - and exclusively - when those religiously abhorrent antics are directed at the Catholic Church.” 

Front Office spokesbots further clarified that celebrating the mockery of devoted religious practitioners absolutely did not extend to the tribe of over-represented professional sports team owners or the cult of over-represented suicide bombers. 

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Bed Bath & Beyond Addresses Pillow Shortage Concerns Head-On

The announcement by retail giant Blood Bath & Beyond's (NYSE:BBBY) head board members acted as a comforter to worried shareholders whose stock values have been down.

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Voodoo Priestess Will Improve US Economy By Stabbing $80 Billion Needles Into Ukrainian Doll

The Federal Reserve's head of Voodoo addressed the US Congress to explain her organizations plan to boost the country's flailing economy through an elaborate series of hex-castings and chicken mutilations.

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Alien Corpse Receives More Advanced Medical Treatments Than Most Americans Could Ever Afford

When presented with an obviously fraudulent corpse of an ancient alien, the government of Mexico quickly decided to run a series of CT-scans, magnetic-resonance images, and other fabulously expensive medical procedures, in order to demonstrate to the scientific community how outrageous the costs of medical services can be in the neighboring US.

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Waste Management Denies Involvement In State Dept Dumpster Fire

Houston Texas based Waste Management (NYSE:WM) vehemently refuted claims that it had secretly coordinated with members of the current administration to provide disposal bins for the seemingly endless stream of fires coming out of the Department. Spokesmen for the government continue to blame extreme arsonists for the unprecedented level of destruction.

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Crying Girl Demanding Candy Is Actually Man's Wife

Sources further indicate that the woman is also cold, needs a nap, and her feet hurt from walking around too much. At press-time, the man was carrying her back to his car. The fully-grown, adult woman, and mother to your three children, could not be reached for comment.

[nationalkazoo]

Beheading Babies A War Crime When Baby Not Still In Womb

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PREMIUM

The Official Cracker Of Your Car Insurance Payments

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US Gov't Expected To Break Down Because It Was Made In China

Members of the Secretariat of the Central Committee of the Chinese Communist Party expressed some disappointment over the looming shutdown, but explained that they never had high expectations for The United State of America which they had purchased simply because it was one of the cheapest governments available at the time.

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Sardinia Has Lowest Population Density Of Any Mediterranean Island, Surprisingly

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In Life Saving Move, US Will Export Already-Destroyed Fighter Planes Directly To Russia

Citing massive casualties of its allies military and civilian personnel, combined with a domestic loss of the engineering skill required to produce advanced weaponry, the US will begin simply shipping pre-demolished F-16s directly to Moscow. The move is expected to save hundreds of lives while continuing to funnel billions and billions of dollars to military contractors whose fully-tokenized diversineers are at least capable of producing total garbage.

Many leaders from the closest allies of the US have lamented the measure's clear ability to lessen the quantity of their own citizens they would be able to kill, suggesting an alteration to the policy which allowed them to personally execute a certain number of people for each delivered wreck.

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Ingenious Woman Will Simply Cover Blanket Stains With More Pillows

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Doctors Warn Excessive Internet Video Watching May Cause Baby Fever