Arbitrary Thoughts

Hello! My name is Faizan. It is pronounced (Fiz-ahn). I have created this blog because it marks a different period of my life. I am a Muslim and always will be inshAllah. I enjoy watching anime, astronomy, running, eating, and most importantly, Islam. I work as an Electrical Engineer, but probably could have done cooking or architecture. I have a lady friend who is the oreo to my filling :D and can't ask for anyone better! Therefore all ladies, If you girls have a question or comment about Islam or politics, feel free to message me, and I will *publically* respond. Unless it’s a dua request (then I won’t respond but I will make dua for you inshAllah). But when it comes to the personal questions about my education, career, and life in general, I don’t feel comfortable engaging in a conversation. This is my attempt to become a better Muslim and a good husband to my girl in future inshAllah!

[naziafk]

Inadequacy is currently feeling like the worst which is probably untrue for others who are going through harsher times such as a loss, betrayal, etc. I think I'm grateful for what I have which I'm aware is not always apparent based on my actions but who's perfect? I bring up gratitude because I feel like I have to put that out there as a disclaimer before I complain. I know that life for me is amazing and blessed (all praise to God) which is why I feel crappy for even writing this.

Anyway, before I go off to more tangents, I want to reel in to the root of most of my internalized problems which is a feeling of not being enough around others (meaning anyone other than me). That sounds a bit dramatic but I have finally mustered the courage to write my feelings out which I don't feel comfortable verbalizing...not just to anyone else but even to myself. Writing is a more comforting and less engaging way to my issues which if spoken out loud will require me to find solution spaces.

I think I'm boring and others continue to be in my presence because of old tieships. I think I'm uninteresting company and others find outlets such as their phones and television to distract themselves. I think I'm unsuccessful in being a good son nor have I felt that my parents are proud of me. In fact I feel like a disappointment and an unreliable person, who has to be told how to take care of others. This eats at me so much. I have failed in so many regards.

Of course I can better myself and I'll try. But this constant theme of feeling inadequate is ever looming. Sigh.

[naziafk]

Good vs. Bad

We all need reassurance or gratitude for our actions. But why do we need it? Is it because being praised and thanked makes us feel good inside? Is it ultimately to satisfy our own ego? Should we not do things for the sake of doing good, without any expectations in results?

What makes Mother Teresa so motherly? Think about it. Do good for the sake of doing good.

[naziafk]

Continuous Realizations

Never realized how much I depend on others. Everyone is so preoccupied with life.

Aside from that topic, I’ve always thought of myself as someone who is often misunderstood. I can come off as unintentionally sarcastic, indifferent or judgemental but I can say with certainty that is not me. I state all this so openly and always have because I do not consider sharing my weakness as a weakness. I do not need to have a facade just so others think I’m more accomplished than I am.

For some reason, others perception of me really brings me down. That is a flaw in me because I just need to get closer to Allah to be content. Really feeling the disconnection right about now…

[naziafk]

Inadequate

I sometimes feel so inadequate. I am told I am a good son, husband, brother, etc. but I cannot convince myself that I completely am. 

I believe a lot of these thoughts have to do with the fact that I am about to be a father soon inshAllah. I hope to become a Dad who takes on some sort of responsibility and have some maturity. Right now, I just don’t feel that I am that person yet and not sure if I can become that person within the next three months either.

I am super excited for the new baby inshAllah. Sometimes I cannot help but feel that I am not giving it my all. I just hope others don’t feel that way. 

...And certainly hope my kid does not. 

[partytilfajr]

I feel like we concern ourselves with questions over random aspects of Islam so that we don’t have to face the reality of the huge sins we routinely commit.

[naziafk]

So True.

I have not written for a while because I feel that I don’t have much to say which partly has to do with getting married Alhumdullillah. I voice a lot of my concerns to my wife and the stuff that I don’t is generally not interesting enough to post up. 

While that is one reason, another reason is because I do not want to face my thoughts - ones that are centralized around the hypocrisy within. I preach and voice my opinions as if I follow my words; however, I only voice them to either 1. distract myself from my current state or 2. to convince myself that I believe and act upon something great.

I am only just one more bystander that complains about the world and does absolutely nothing. I am only just one more bystander that talks about the ideal Muslim character, but not go towards becoming that character. I am only just one more bystander that argues about Islam for the sake of polishing my ego, not for the sake of defending it (inshAllah that is not the case). 

What a debbie downer post. I am not looking for sympathy, nor am I looking for acceptance. I am just simply expressing my thoughts, for no reason. No expectations. 

This is my current state.

I’m not being pessimistic and accepting this state as permanent; however, I’m not saying that I plan on changing tonight either. Not saying that tonight I will struggle to become the person I hope to become. Not saying that I have a plan in mind. But I hope I do change soon. I hope I become a better Muslim.

InshAllah. 

[naziafk]

Advice...

Some advice I am hella struggling to implement in my life but plan to in the near future (God willing):

If you want true contentment, get rid of all excess, whether it be excess in working, schooling, working out, eating, drinking, laughing, crying, TV watching etc...every activity should have its limits. The only activity we can be excessive in is taqwa, God consciousness. Only if we are absolutely conscious of God will we be balanced in all activities. 

[naziafk]

Day 40.

I have completed my 40 day goal and I feel good about it alhumdullillah. Because of finals and family events, I was not able to document my last 9 days; however, I can assure you that having a 40 day goal really helped me. Now to maintain. InshAllah make dua for me. 

[naziafk]

Discipline

I think this has been my longest break within my 40 day goal period in which I have not blogged. I'll be honest: it is partly because I have finals coming up. My brain gets too fried to think about anything else. Haha. Alhumdullillah, I've been staying persistent with my goals. The 40 day period is about to end next week. Wow time flies. What I have learned so far is that discipline of any kind is great in the beginning, perhaps even liberating. But as a whole, discipline is imprisoning. It is controlling your desires. It is getting past that obstacle. You may fall out of control once in a while but a disciplined person will get back into it. Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The world is a prison for the believer and a paradise for the unbeliever.” Source: Sahih Muslim 2956

[naziafk]

Alhumdullillah.

We need to constantly check ourselves.  I always have this fear of being prideful or arrogant about my talents. I cannot stand narcissism nor do I want to harbour such qualities! In order to ensure I stay grounded, I like to say "Alhumdullillah". You should try it out because it really does humble you. I consider myself a fit individual and consequently, I need to constantly remind myself that this talent is given to me. This is the thought process I constantly go through: Who the hell am I to be proud of my fitness? Who has given me this talent? Allah. How dare I have the audacity to look at someone else and even for a split second consider myself better than them? All this is fulfilled by repeating "Alhumdullillah" in my head. Not only with fitness, but I fear being egotistical on the road. Sometimes, I HAVE to cut someone else or not let someone else in because of my nafs (ego). I am satisfying that nafs for a split second because lets face it: do you remember all the times you have done that on the road? No. It is only for split second satisfaction.  Why bring this topic up? Because during this journey to fulfill my goals, I have to constantly remind myself that I am not better than anyone else. Even if I am embarking on a religious journey, it does not give me the right to think I'm more "religious" or more loved by God than someone who is not as practicing. Worship of the limbs does not insinuate anything about the worship of the mind. (Though this does not excuse salah or any other obligatory physical acts.) At the end of the day, I just want to be more God conscious. In order to be that, you have to take "I" out of the equation and inshAllah I can do that. Alhumdullillah.

[naziafk]

A place to reflect

Sometimes a break is refreshing. This is why we always hear fables about the man who went in the mountains to reflect. Or a hero who secluded himself from the world to find himself. Or the believer who woke up extra early to supplicate in solitude. Or the parent who spent 30 minutes a day reading a book to enter another world.

We all have our escape by which we boost our mental health.

For me that has always been the masjid and working out. For you, it might be something else. Whatever it is, it is crucial you discover your escape from the hustle bustle of current day life.

………

I have not written in this blog for the last couple of days because I am currently adjusting to my new lifestyle. My goals are embedding into my daily ritual (Alhumdullillah!!!). I have noticed a slight positive change in my character (I say this in the most humble way possible….the point of these posts is to voice my struggles and improvements through this journey).

Because of these new found improvements (and struggles), I needed time to myself before writing about it (frankly speaking couple of days is nothing….people go on a break for years).

InshAllah God saves me and all Muslims from arrogance and guide us. Make dua for me.

[naziafk]

Random post.

I tend to get emotional very fast about different events in my life. When I get moved by my deen, I try to remind myself that my emotions do not reflect my level of taqwa; it's just that i'm an emotional person. You can play a really touching song and I can still start tearing up...so it's definitely not a representation of my imaan. With that said, I feel the same way about mostly everything "good" that I do. I tend to victimize myself and tell myself that I'm a lowly person and that my acts do not represent my goodness. According to others, this can be a sign of being a humble person. But then I try really hard to not become prideful of the fact that I am displaying myself as humble. Mind jumble huh? I guess the solution to this is to always remember that everything is pre-determined by Allah and to walk about life with that in mind. This way, I will never give myself too much credit.  I need to change my mindset to always remember that some things are just out of my control. However, the very important thing to remember is that I can never be sure of what those things are until I ask God Himself.

[naziafk]

Push hard and paddle fast

In spin (bicycling) class, you have potential of burning a lot of calories. The amount is heavily dependent on two factors: 1. revolutions per minute and 2. power.

Revolutions per minute stand for the number of full circles your legs make within one minute. The more revolutions you make, the faster and farther you go.

Power is dependent on how hard your feet push on the paddle at every movement. If the terrain is flat, you will go farther but you won't push as hard as paddling up a hill.

Maximum calories are burned with maximum power (or resistance) and maximum revolutions per minute. If you choose to paddle fast through the resistance, you will achieve maximum gain. Furthermore, this will condition your body to be capable to push even harder the next time around; all your body needs is necessary training.

This also applies to getting close to your deen. If you free ride through it (without going through any resistance), you will not be conditioned for when you are tested. Don't settle for the easy route; don't be content with your current state. Go beyond your present state even if that brings more obstacles your way; struggles are good for you. Just remember that in order to condition yourself, you have to push your limits. It is more than okay if you start off slow but I assure you that as long as you push as hard as you can at each obstacle, you will get faster and stronger for the subsequent hills to come. 

Push yourself. 

[naziafk]

Half way there

Whether it be a race, a TV series, or a huge project, the half way point is a good feeling. There originates a feeling of accomplishment and a source of motivation. Alhumdullillah, by the grace of Allah, I have reached my half way point. With one of my goals, I performed well. With second of my goals, I did break for about 4 to 5 days but I am currently trying to pick it back up. Struggle is important. I don't mind breaking as long as I get back up. Documenting my ups and downs is the point of my recent posts. I want to come back to these posts to read through the struggle. If I talk about it or I keep it in my mind, I eventually forget. But nothing beats a written record. 

[naziafk]

Preparation

Anyone who comes across this message, can you please pause and make dua (prayer) that I successfully fulfill my two personal goals?

With that said, I want to briefly discuss a very relatable topic.

We all have days that we need to be on our toes; we have feelings of anxiety and apprehension for the near future. It can be because we have a big meeting at work that we are going to be leading, or a final exam that will decide our enrollment to another class or school, or our spouses are about to give labour, etc.

RIGHT before these events, we are typically too nervous to indulge in anything. An hour before your final you will not watch a marathon of supernatural nor will you feast on a huge meal nor will you go for a very long run outside. Even if you perform these activities, you will do them moderately and constantly think about whats to come. There will definitely be feelings of nervousness.

This is very similar to the concept of being prepared to meet Allah. We know our big meeting is about to come, but we continuously indulge in entertainment, food, working, working out, etc. Why do we not take this Day seriously? What is it in us that disables us? Seriously…what is it?

I think it is our denial of the closeness of Day of Judgement. We think it is too far. And that, my friends, Allah warns us about consistently in His book!

[naziafk]

If you want an enemy, the soul (nafs) is sufficient. If you want advice, death is sufficient.

Said Nursi

[naziafk]

Motivation.

Sometimes it is really hard to motivate myself. I have an ongoing 40 day goal to improve in two aspects of my life. I have been doing one of them well alhumdullillah (at least the physical representation of it). The other...I have been way too lenient. My source of motivation is my wife. She is so disciplined alhumdullillah. I have a new motivation and for the next 21 days I want to be able to act upon it inshAllah. If someone asks me whether I am fulfilling my 40 day goal, I will respond with "not at all". I need to push way harder than I have been. And walahi, I can assure you I am not even pushing slightly yet. 

[naziafk]

Perspectives are all under your control.

One of the worst feelings that a person can feel is inadequate or incapable. But that does not mean we drown in our sorrow.  I read a hadith this morning that if something happens to you that you do not approve of, don't preoccupy yourself thinking about what you could have done differently; rather, acknowledge that is it as Allah willed and perhaps He is putting you through trials so that a benefit can come out of it. It stands to reason that this is very easily said than done. You need to possess a great level of taqwa to always be content, regardless of the magnitude of afflictions you are going through. But don't let that deter you from getting closer to Allah because with baby steps you can attain that level of God consciousness. First and foremost, think about your minor struggles in life such as traffic jams, long DMV lines, someone else's decision to not hold the door for you, etc. Then, realize that these minor inconveniences are blessings from God and that there is a beneficial purpose behind it. Don't get frustrated/irritated or impulsive; be calm and content and realize that every struggle makes you stronger. 

Once we truly follow this mentality for minor trials, we can move on to greater ones. This is a dangerous point in our journey because 1. a big trial might break you and bring you down to the point where you question your faith in God's plan completely or 2. it might bring you to a stagnant and/or indifferent stage in life. Do not become a victim of such treachery. Immediately take a breather, and ask for God's forgiveness and express gratitude to Him. You HAVE to move forward and realize that Allah is putting you through a huge affliction because He loves you. 

And honestly speaking, having that realization can be a bigger struggle than any other struggle that you will ever go through.