I Am Not My Fears

Jessica Cruz Green Lantern of Sector 2814

[nctmyfears-blog]

zatannazzataraz‌:

It’d be a lie to say she didn’t also need the grounding moment of the hug, but Zatanna finds it far easier to worry about caring for others than reflect on how she feels. She squeezes Jess’ shoulders then blinks at the question, her mind rushing wildly, blankly, before finally blurting out an answer. “Constantine is- John’s fine. He…” She isn’t sure what’s behind the urge to say that, especially when the only times she mentions him to other Leaguers is to complain, though maybe she needs to share with another person for it to feel real. He certainly isn’t the only person she cares for deeply, and her heart aches with all the loss anyway, but she’s self aware enough to know she’d be gone if he had happened to be in Metropolis. Her eyebrows tug together, and she shakes her head slightly. “All of the Dark- Boston, Jason Blood, Alba and the rest- no one on my team was there. I’ve, ah, been at the evac zone, mostly. How are- how have you been?”

Jess can’t help the slight smile that curls the corners of her lips at Zee’s response - she doesn’t know all of the details and it’s not her business to ask, but she knows there’s some kind of history between John and Zatanna. At least if he’s alright, that’s one less thing her friend needs to worry about. “I’m glad they’re alright.” Jess offers kindly, reaching to give Zee’s hand a gentle squeeze. She’s not exactly the best at coping with situations like this, but Jess isn’t oblivious - she knows others are struggling just as much, and she wants to be there for them as much as she can. “I’m - I’m alright. The other Lanterns weren’t in Metropolis either, thank god -” She’s not sure where Simon is, her partner seems to have a habit of falling out of touch at the worst times, but at least she knows wherever he is he’s safe. “I’m just.. trying to figure out what comes next, I guess.”

[nctmyfears-blog]

dianathcmyscira‌:

“We cannot change what happened now, but we can prevent it from happening again. We’ve been… too lax in allowing these things to happen, in simply reacting. We should have been more proactive.” It’s contemplative, and righteous on behalf of all they lost, but calculating. Despite knowing things operated differently here, Diana can’t help but feel the people here have it all wrong. This could have been prevented, had they only been more direct. She squeezes Jessica’s arm in a gentle- for her- but firm grip, and tips her head to look her directly in the eyes. “We are powerful, and we’ve sworn ourselves to protect the innocents. We must do more in the future, think more practically about this. Arkham Asylum was not the best place for the Joker, given the times he escaped in the past.”

“But.. how? How can we be more proactive, exactly?” Jess asks cautiously, hoping for an answer that makes sense. The hand on her arm is reassuring, comforting even, offering Jess both strength and kindness for what’s to come, but Diana’s words make her feel... out of sorts. Something doesn’t feel quite right in what she’s implying, but Jess believes in her. She has to believe - if she can’t believe in Diana, who can she believe in? “Maybe not, but - what else are we supposed to do? Maybe locking him up in prison instead of Arkham would be a better alternative?” It doesn’t even occur to her that Diana might have something more sinister in mind - Jess doesn’t want to even consider that. She can’t.

[nctmyfears-blog]

zatannazzataraz‌:

@nctmyfears

Slinging her arms around Jess’ shoulders as she neared came instinctively, drawing her closer in a tight hug with a hushed greeting. However frail she felt herself got pushed aside as she sought to figure out how Jess was doing. She did her best to radiate something calm and comforting as she drew back slightly to look her over. “Hey, Jess…”

Jess can’t help but feel bad, making all of these people worry - Bruce, Kyle, now Zatanna. It’s not exactly a secret that she tends to react to these kinds of situation in a more frantic way, and.. well, she wishes this was an exception, but it’s not. And no matter how guilty it feels, it does help, having her friends come to care for her, to make sure she’s okay. The hug in itself works wonders, and Jess holds onto the other woman tightly for a moment, taking in the comfort, the calming sensation Zatanna brings with her. “Hey Zee.” He says quietly as she pulls back, letting out a breath and looking up at her. “How’re you doing, with.. all of this?”

[nctmyfears-blog]

torchbears‌:

@nctmyfears

    – “ hey, jess, ” kyle greets, hesitant at first.  he hates that, hates that everything since he’s gotten back to earth feels so freaking tense.  but kyle makes himself settle after a moment and he reaches out and pulls jessica into a hug.  he’ll be damned before he lets anyone or anything keep him from being himself with his friends.  “ i was hoping you could help me find hal.  i’ve been back for a couple days, but i haven’t gotten a chance to talk to him.  wanna see where that nutjob’s head is at, ” he jokes.

“Kyle -” For the first time in what feels like way too long, Jess manages to break into a smile. Mostly of relief, really. Kyle’s always been a kind of calming presence, that one friend - and kind of mentor, even if he doesn’t know it - who can always make Jess feel a little more at ease, like she’s actually got the situation in hand even if she doesn’t. “Uh.. good luck with that.” She laughs nervously as she returns the hug, squeezing Kyle gently. “I think - I don’t know for sure, but I think he’s.. with Superman, so that could be tricky.”

[nctmyfears-blog]

nights-cowl‌:

@nctmyfears

   bruce weighs every word carefully.  as things go further and further in the direction bruce fears, he knows he has to be extremely careful.  he doesn’t know jessica as well as he knows some of the others, so it’s nearly impossible to figure where her head is at.  and if she firmly believes in clark’s actions, if she stands as firmly beside him as some of the others seem to, then there’s a certain danger to reaching out at all.  “ with everything that’s happened, i wanted you to know that you and your partner are…welcome in gotham. ”  it’s an odd thing to say, especially to someone wearing a ring like hers, but the time for staunch rules may have come to a close.  and the time to offer a hand, the time to suss out his allies, has come.  “ how are you handling this all, jessica ?? ”

Jess won’t even try to deny that she’s relieved to have a chance to talk to Bruce about all of this. Of course she’s always looked up to all three of them - Diana and Clark have always been incredibly inspiring figures, but Bruce has always been the one she felt she could confide in, the one she could trust no matter what. The one who will always offer her the right guidance. “That’s... a huge relief, thank you. I’ll tell Simon, I’m sure he’ll appreciate it.” She's not sure what’s going to come next really but - maybe this conversation will help her piece things together, help her figure out what she needs to do next. “Uh...” Hesitating for a moment, Jess bites her lip, wrings her fingers together absently, doing her best to formulate a calm and steady response. "Well - I haven’t hidden in bed for twelve hours yet, so.. that’s a win for me.” She chuckles nervously, but it falls flat. “It’s - it’s a lot to try and process. First Lois and Metropolis, now this..”

[nctmyfears-blog]

divincdfuture‌:

    “ would you like me to make you some tea, jessica ?? ” admittedly, barbara hasn’t expended as much effort getting to know the newer lanterns as well as she could have. though nothing against them so much as the enormity of the corps making it difficult to keep up with them all anyway. nonetheless, the younger woman looks more than distraught and it pulls at barbara’s sympathy. maybe she was looking for an excuse to pull herself from her laptop anyway. the news is nothing but superman now. “ i’m more of a coffee girl myself, but i don’t think that’s very good for the nerves. ”

@nctmyfears

“Oh - god, you don’t have to do that. I can make the tea.” Jess insists, quickly, shaking her head as she makes a beeline for the kitchen. It’s kind of Barbara to offer, really - truth be told, Jess thinks she’s an incredible woman, it’s amazing just to have the opportunity to work with her. But.. sitting still and doing nothing is probably the last thing Jess needs right now. Sure, there’s going to be a point later on where she goes home, curls up in her bed, and refuses to see anyone for about twelve hours - but right now, she needs to keep busy or she’ll fall to pieces. “Unless you want coffee, I can make coffee instead. I.. probably won’t have any, but I can make some.”

[nctmyfears-blog]

nvghtwxng‌: 

   there isn’t really much room in dick’s head left to analyse the lantern’s reaction, but there’s something familiar about the surprised fumble that still manages to encourage a faint huff of laughter from him. it’s not the first time someone’s been a little … flustered, is the only guess he’s willing to hazard, but it’s still baffling. he doubts it would last long if she knew he’s once drunk three day old coffee, after all. “ yep, you. totally optional, but i’ve been told I have some questionable food choices, so really it’s for everyone’s sake. ” that, and being left alone to think was maybe being mildly put off. but from what he knows of jessica, she’s nice, helpful and friendly. at least that’s what was inferred between the lines of bruce’s description. “ I think at this point we can handle a little attention, makes people feel a little safer, y’know? I was thinking we head downtown - couple places that can keep everyone happy. ”

Jess tries so hard to be subtle. She really does. Besides, she’s awkward with basically everyone - it shouldn’t be all that different should it? It’s just - this is Nightwing, it’s kind of hard not to have a crush on a guy like him. “Oh - well, we can’t have that. Not that I’m the food expert or anything! I mean - I’m sure between the two of us we could figure it out? Right?” She blabbers a little, still surprised that she’s the one he’s come to about this. It could just be because she’s the only one around, but - he has so many friends in the League, in his own team, in his family. It feels.. a little nice to be picked out like this, and especially when she could really use something to keep her mind off the disaster everyone is facing right now. “Well that definitely makes sense. Okay. You don’t mind me flying you? I know some people have an issue with that.”

[nctmyfears-blog]

nvghtwxng‌:

@nctmyfears

   the last day or so had been rough for everyone, and dick is starting to lose track of the last time he managed to get out of his uniform for any longer than to swap them over. gross. by the time he comes to stand by jess, he could just – really use a moment without planning ahead, without thinking about the people who had been lost, people counting on them for help. a hand runs stressedly through his hair as he offers a worn smile to the familiar lantern. “ hey. I don’t know about you, but everyone must be getting pretty beat now. you want to come with on a food run? ”

“Wait - me?” She asks in surprise, eyes widening a little at the question. The last thing Jess expected was for Nightwing to ask her to go on a food run. Not that she’s complaining of course - please, it’s Nightwing, why would she complain? She likes to think she’s been pretty subtle about her little crush on the long time hero but that’s.. probably got more to do with the fact that they don’t work together regularly, and less to do with her actual subtlety. “Uh - sure, sure. Okay. Sure, we can do that.” She fumbles over her words, pushing herself up and nodding her head. It seems a little.. weird, in the midst of all of this tragedy to do something that feels so normal, but.. everyone still needs to eat. And Jess could do with the chance to get out from under all the pressure in her head. “Where are we going? And - uh, how? I could fly us, but we’d probably attract attention.”

[nctmyfears-blog]

hawkearrow‌:

   the familiar voice pulls connor out from his concentration, eyes widening briefly as he spots who’s come to join him. it’s not hard to tell something is troubling jess, but given all that’s happened - connor can’t imagine a single person not troubled by recent events. “ you’re not interrupting – it’s nothing that can’t wait until tomorrow. ” he’d only been busying himself with equipment, restless and unsure how to help everyone - determined regardless. with jess here, it’s not really much of a choice, soon clearing the space beside him for his friend to sit. “ take all the time you need, what can I do to help? ”

Of everyone Jess has met on the League, Connor is the one who seems to... get her. He’s kind and sweet and generally just a good person to be around, and she’s glad for that. Sometimes, that makes all the difference in the world - just like today. “Are you sure? Don’t let me stop you, I’d hate to keep you from.. whatever you need to do.” She says hesitantly, though her actions betray her as she steps over to sit down. “I just.. thought I’d check on you, that’s all. Considering everything that’s going on - you know, I figure everyone could use someone to talk to.” God knows she does.

[nctmyfears-blog]

“Connor?” She calls out to him cautiously as she lands, her bright green glow dimming down a little now that she’s on the ground. It’s been... hard, trying to keep up appearances in front of everyone when the world seems to be absolutely chaotic - short of a slight panicky moment in front of Diana, she hopes she’s done a decent job of it. It’s different with Connor, though. She feels like she can trust Connor not to judge her. “I’m sorry, I know I’m probably.. interrupting something, but do you have a minute?” [ @hawkearrow ]

[nctmyfears-blog]

dianathcmyscira‌:

Diana’s eyes swept over the ruins of Metropolis slowly, as if holding out one last hope that she could blink and this would all disappear, or that if she only paid enough attention, she could save some miraculous survivors. But she was more sensible than that, and the tragedy had hardened her heart. They needed to move forward. Be better. Standing around waiting did not solve any of this. She tore her eyes away from the horror to look over at Jess, and reach out a firm, comforting hand to her arm. “We must protect the rest of the world as it gathers itself. In the future… we must learn from this. We failed the people we have sworn to protect.”

Jess trusts Diana. She trusts the trinity completely, really. There’s just something about them that makes it hard not to, especially when you’ve idolised them for their strength and their courage and all of the amazing things they’ve done over the years. Which makes this that much more difficult. Because Jess is supposed to be able to help them now. She’s supposed to have the power to make a difference, and instead.. she’s failed. Just like Diana said. “How, though? After something like this...” Jess sighs and shakes her head, her gaze shifting down towards the ground as she crosses her arms over her chest, shoulders slumped and hunched forward, unconsciously making herself smaller.

[nctmyfears-blog]

shieldthcm‌:

   he feels terrible immediately. jess is under enough pressure as it was and clark had no right to project his own fear on to her. “ wait, jessica, please. you look exhausted. you need a break. ” he bites his tongue to keep in his own tired sigh. this isn’t her fault nor her problem and clark is simply grateful she’s done so much already for him. “ i’m sorry. that was unfair. you’ve been a great help already. hal is out there. take some time to recharge, please. ”

   it’s hypocritical because clark himself is bone tired, but he won’t stop until lois is safe and the joker is behind bars again. “ i know i’m being unreasonable. ” he pinches the bridge of his nose, feels his chest tighten uncomfortably, “ i just - can’t lose her. i should have done more to convince her to let me come and now i can’t even hear her heartbeat anywhere and that terrifies me. it doesn’t give me a right to take it out on you though. ”

“I’m okay! Honestly, this is - it’s okay, I can keep searching.” Jess responds immediately, shaking her head and waving her hands in an effort to try and prove she’s not exhausted. Which she is, really - but not so much that she needs to stop. Her ring still has plenty of charge and she’s faced more than this before, she can push through it. “Oh no, please - you don’t need to be sorry. I can’t even.. begin to imagine how you feel, so - really, it’s okay.”

The last thing she expects is for Clark to open up to someone like her - he has Bruce, and Diana, other long-standing members of the League he could talk to in a moment of need like this. But Jess also knows how it feels to need to open up at the most unlikely of times, so she just.. stands by, listens, hopes that lending someone like Superman an ear will help him, even a little. “I.. know it’s hard to believe, but I don’t think it’s your fault. I don’t think she’d think that either.” She shakes her head again, a little more calmly this time. “I didn’t think you were taking it out on me, if that helps. I just.. I just wanna help, that’s all.” As much as she might doubt herself - pretty much constantly - Jess hates the idea of not being able to do something even more.

[nctmyfears-blog]

“What do we do..” Jess murmurs softly as she stares wide-eyed at the empty, smoking crater - at all that’s left of Metropolis. She’s never been in this situation before - the Lanterns have faced all kinds of disasters, things she’s had to be a part of one way or another, but never like this. Never where they’ve failed so badly, lost so much. Not just a city - though that’s horrifying enough in itself - but Lois. Lois, who meant so much to Clark. Lois, such a bright spark in everyone’s lives - Lois, who Jess should’ve been able to find with her ring. Guilt wells in her heart as her gaze shifts to Diana, still wide-eyed in the hope that the amazon will be able to offer her an answer. “What do we do?” She asks again, hoping she doesn’t sound as small as she feels. [ @dianathcmyscira ]

[nctmyfears-blog]

shieldthcm‌:

@nctmyfears | starter

       “ any news ?? ” it’s a foolish question because clark already knows if there’d been anything, he’d have followed the lead through before any of them. it’s clear he doesn’t want an answer anyway. his gaze is focused instead on jess’ ring and he grits his teeth, “ jessica, can it find her ?? can it detect anything ?? ” he wouldn’t normally ask this of the newest recruit, wouldn’t put her in a position of feeling like she’s disappointing him if it doesn’t work, but - this is lois and clark has so little options left. he can’t see anything. he can’t hear anything. if superman can’t find her then who will ?? 

“U-uh - well, I -” Jess has been working hard on not taking things personally. On not putting too much pressure on herself because she just knows she will crumble the second she realises she’s failed. And she’s definitely getting better at it - most of the time. Today isn’t one of those days. For a moment she freezes under Clark’s questions, eyes widening as her mind races, trying to find the right words, trying to think of what to say, what she can say, but it’s so damn obvious she’s failing again and she can’t afford to. Not with this. This is Lois’ life.

“N-not yet?” She stammers weakly, clasping her hands tightly together behind her back in an effort to keep herself from fidgeting. “But - I’ve never had to look for Lois before so I can’t just locate her like I would you, that doesn’t mean I won’t! I’ll keep looking, I -” Biting back an apology, Jess turns to leave, her thoughts running a mile a minute as she tries to figure out exactly where she should look next. She’s been flying around for hours, but that thought doesn’t even cross her mind - all she can think of is doing something, doing more. “I’ll find something, I just need to keep searching. I’ll find something.”

[nctmyfears-blog]

poison-veined‌:

@nctmyfears

“Oh -excuse me!” Usually Pamela wouldn’t want to stay and check on the woman she knocked over, but she’s having a good day. She just finished taking down one of the biggest corporations that was tearing down the Amazon rainforest, so she’s in a good mood. She offers a hand. “Are you alright?”

For someone who’s had to learn how to fly through the air, who trains incessantly to keep out of her own head, Jess can be such a clutz, so when she runs into the woman and winds up on the floor she’s convinced it’s her own fault. “No no, it’s okay - I should’ve been paying more attention, I’m sorry.” She looks up at the woman for a moment before taking her hand and pulling herself to her feet, cheeks burning from embarrassment. “Bruise pride, but I’m okay. Thanks, for - you know, helping me up. Real nice of you.”

[nctmyfears-blog]

wllyswest‌:

   “ personally i always thought hal and john were overrated, ” wally agrees.  he’s playing along more than anything, and he knows (or hopes) jessica won’t take him too seriously.  he loves hal; hal’s basically his uncle. and kyle, an annoying mother-fucker, is one of wally’s best friends. “ i’ll get her number from nightwing, and maybe you two can get together and bang out some killer advertising campaigns. ”

“Aw c’mon, you’re just saying that.” Jess says with a laugh. “I mean - they’ve protected people here for a long time, it makes sense people would want to see them fly in. It just - makes it hard when you’re the newest Lantern around, I guess, but we’re getting there.” She smiles gratefully and nods. “Thanks, Wally. I’ll definitely try and give her a call. So, what are you going to do about - Discount-Flash?”

[nctmyfears-blog]

lvminescents‌:

    jess’ response is…troubling to dolphin. it shows on her face, surely, as a frown tugs at her lips and her brows furrow. reactive as ever, dolphin grabs jess’ attention by poking her in the collar bone, twice, and shakes her head firmly. it won’t be enough to get her point across and dolphin isn’t sure she could with expressions alone so she huffs a sigh and says, “ don’t say that. you’re good. ” because dolphin has a hard time believing that someone like jess, someone who willingly puts their life on the line for the entirety of earth, can think so simplistically. “ they’re - friends ?? ” it’s more of an open ended question because dolphin doesn’t know what the justice league is really like with one another, not outside of what she’s heard from mera and arthur. 

Sometimes Jess needs to remind herself that not everyone is used to the way she reacts to things. In reality she really does need to tone it down sometimes, she needs to work harder not to get so down on herself like this, especially not around people like Dolphin who are clearly just trying to help. “Thank you. It’s more that I don’t know what I’m good at, like.. what I can actually do to get a job.” She explains, hoping she’s making it a little clearer. It’s her own fault, really - until the ring came to her she didn’t give much thought to her future, all she could think to do was hide from the world. “Uh.. some of them are? I mean Simon and I are definitely friends, and Barry too. But - most of them feel more like mentors. They’re all like - legends, you know? It’s.. hard to walk up to a legend and ask them for help with something like this.”