Spilling Ink

[nemossky]

Just a gentle reminder - your significant other is not your happiness making machine.

Kari M.

[nemossky]

You came back, and damn, nothing has changed, as if the months of silence were just a bad dream. I welcomed you with open arms, swore I'd give you reasons to stay this time. Found myself looking for cheap plane tickets again, ready to take the leap and burn my walls down. My bad, I read everything wrong.

My Bad, Kari M.

[nemossky]

We loved each other. Truly, without a doubt. But we learned that choice trumps love, and choosing each other then was the one thing we couldn’t do anymore.

Kari M.

[nemossky]

Peace isn't always something you find within you. Sometimes, you find it by taking a step back from people who drain your energy.

Kari M.

[nemossky]

I loved you in a way I never thought I was capable of - bare, walls down, vulnerable yet fearless. I loved you despite your jealousy, your screaming silence and the suffocating tears that came flooding with it. You loved me in a way I have never been loved - from skin to soul, like home, comfortable yet consuming. You loved me despite my mood swings, my exhausting doubts and the storms they brought. But we were too young to know how to keep the love in our hands from strangling forever. Too young to realize that sometimes, love isn’t enough.

Young Love II, Kari M.

[nemossky]

Is it really okay? To stay in bed until the sinking feeling in my chest subsides? To not force myself to be productive  or learn a new skill during this quarantine? To take a break from all my worries, anxiety and fears? To escape in a virtual island with nothing but cute animals, where I am in control of my environment? To come out of this quarantine, with my book still unfinished, my 2019 journal still halfway done, my work all piled up? Is it okay to take it slow? Someone please tell me it's okay.

April 6th, Kari M.

[nemossky]

My walls were too high, I know But I would've stayed I'm not braver than distance, I know So why do I find myself looking for cheap plane tickets? You're not the one, I know But why does the void you left feel like a black hole?

Kari M.

[nemossky]

“It’s about him again, isn’t it?” you ask, running your gentle fingers over the print. And my heart breaks a little because I don’t know how to write anything that isn’t about him anymore. I don’t know how to write happy. I don’t know how to drain our heartbreak from my veins. All I can do is swear, that someday my words will be empty of him. Of hurt and longing. I will start anew. With you. But for now, the bitter truth - “Yes."

Bitter Truth, Kari M.

[nemossky]

January, you've been difficult, painful even. Our heavy, worn out hearts screaming for help, begging for a pause button, a break from all this hurt, even just for a day, a moment to breathe, to gather ourselves and prepare, and maybe, lick our wounds. Yet here we are, pushing forward, learning strength day by day, as we put the pieces back together amidst our daily busyness, and inner battles without rest.

January 2020, Kari M.

[nemossky]

Darling, I believe that if we’re really meant for each other, we will find our way back no matter how many times fate failed us (or we failed fate). And when the right time comes, I promise we will build a boat and cross the ocean of hurt between us, just so we can fall back together and continue where we left off.

Kari M.

[nemossky]

But behind her Goliath wall and thunder, stands a girl who has cried tsunamis over a boy who loved to run, who still tends the drought in her heart, praying for rain to wash away all the hurt.

Kari M.

[nemossky]

One day you will wake up, scroll down through your social media accounts and come across a picture of them. For a few seconds, you will wait for that green monster to come knocking at your heart, shouting 'it could've been us, it should've been us'. But surprise my dear, this is the happy ending to his chapter. Finally. The green monster will not show up. No more questions to yourself about what she had that you don't or why he chose her. Just a sense of nothingness, the good kind, and the realization that it is true when they say that you can go back. Back to a time before you fell and only saw him as a friend.

I’m happy for you, Kari M.

[nemossky]

There was softness in our silence that night, a tender understanding between two pieces of a puzzle, finally falling back together.

Kari M.

[nemossky]

In my head, there is a world solely for the two of us - making our own traditions, staying in on rainy days, fitting together like puzzle pieces. Not this heavy heart hiding behind a fake smile every time you talk about her, the way I talk to God about you, never this constant reminder that we can only exist in a daydream.

I keep forgetting we’re just friends, Kari M.

[nemossky]

Maybe it’s true that timing plays a significant role in this journey and maybe ours was dreadful. Yet a small voice inside me screams  -

“Hopefully not forever”, Kari M.

[nemossky]

With one question, our years crumbled right in front of my eyes, and I am left with a hole in my chest.

“What are we?” Kari M.

[nemossky]

I pushed him away when he tried to come back even when all I wanted was to run right back to him.

Pride, Kari M.