Fifth Keyword Blog Post: Toms, Dees, and the Social Construction of Femininity and Masculinity
"They say to be born a woman is to pay for sins in a past life, so to be a woman who loves women is punishment for even greater sins."
This was said by an anonymous woman in the documentary Visible Silence: The Unspoken Lives of Thai Tomboys, Ladies, and Lesbians. To be a lesbian in Thailand is an isolating experience. Thailand is built around a culture of silence-- a sort of don't ask, don't tell policy. Because of this, gender presentation has played a big role in the identifying of lesbians to other lesbians. Within the lesbian community in Thailand, terms have been made for lesbians to identify as. These terms function a lot like how butch and femme do here in the US. A tom is the equivalent of a butch; someone who is confident, who leans towards a more masculine presentation, someone who will fall into the traditional role of the man in the relationship. A dee is the equivalent of a femme. A dee functions more like the woman in the relationship; she will often dress more traditionally feminine than the butch, and will be more docile, less assertive. These traditional gender roles of tom and dee play into the social construct of femininity and masculinity.
To some degree, I believe these gender identifiers are culturally necessary. Lesbians are often able to identify other lesbians, and many of the tom women told stories of how their families were also able to clock them as lesbians because of their gender presentation.
But conversely, I believe forcing people into these rigid gender roles has consequences. One woman in the documentary explained how her ex had been very conservative and strict towards her gender presentation. She did not want her tom to have long hair, but her tom wanted to have long hair. Even within these strict gender roles, there is fluctuation. There is rebellion within this binary, making it even more subversive than a woman dressing masculine. That woman argued that being tom is not how you dress, or how short your hair is. She argued that being a tom is about being confident and strong and prideful; something that traditionally most women are said to not be. It was interesting to see how even within this constructed binary, lesbians found ways to make it even more subversive, to change the meaning of masculinity, of being a tom, to what suited them. It was amazing to see. It spoke to the dimensions that all queer people have when it comes to gender and gender presentation. Even dees were finding ways to subvert the expectations thrust onto them by presenting femininely. One woman told a story of how her mother had said that it was okay that she was a lesbian, but that she still wanted her to have grandchildren. And the woman told her no, that she did not want to have children, and that that impetus should not be put onto her just because of how she dresses.
Gender is complicated. Gender presentation can make it all the more complicated. But there is no one right way to present. There is no one right way to be a lesbian either. Sometimes people don't fit so easily into feminine or masculine. One tom in the documentary mentioned the desire to just be in the middle of being a tom or a dee. Humans are multi dimensional beings, and all of those dimensions cannot be restricted to feminine or masculine.
(WC: 581)
Ooh, this is really interesting! I don't know very much about Thai culture, but these lesbian genders seem both similar and very different to the Western identities of butch, femme, etc. as well as the Japanese identities of rezu, ō-nabe, and other feminine-attracted gender presentations described by Hideko Abe in Queer Japanese.
Thanks for reading! I haven't heard about these Japanese identities, so look like we are in the same boat of learning! I'll definitely look into this more. Thanks for the link. This is such an interesting topic, and I'd love to learn more.
