The idea of expressing who I really am today is scary . And that's why I'm here : to share my biggest fears one stitch at the time . I'm taking the first step towards accepting challenging situations that I went through and finding the courage to face each of my difficult feelings and emotions instead of avoiding them , as I did for so long . Developing psychological flexibility is essential to make my mind a pleasant place to be . I am committed to facing my ghosts in this world , at my own pace and time , strengthening myself through the courage it takes to be vulnerable . After all , vulnerability is what makes us human
As a Muslim, I grew up with the idea that all sins have the same weight when it comes to salvation, and that I should seek perfection, just to prevent my poor soul from burning in hell. This thought, added to other traumatic experiences I had, led me to an exhaustive search for perfection in all aspects of my life, blinding me from the beauty that exists in being imperfect. I know when to free myself from the fear of making mistakes and to see imperfection as freedom. After all, In 18:29, Allah also says: “The truth is from your Lord; so let him who please believe and let him who please disbelieve.” Freedom of religion is a person's own concern, and therefore, there is no need to force others in choosing the religion.
2 countries and 3 languages in a span of 3 years. That was just one of the many changes that I experienced. But more important than cultural changes, were the changes that I experienced on a personal level. From someone who hated cats to a feline lover and cat mom; From religion and skeptics; From a submissive woman to a third-wave feminist; From a person who was content with prompt responses to someone with critical thinking; From someone who used to hide to someone who seeks to position herself with assertiveness; From someone who only complied in silence to someone who wants to be respected in the same level that she respects; From a girl who was constantly struggling to have the minimum autonomy and freedom to a girl with the possibility of looking inside and knowing herself deeply. I am extremely privileged to be exactly where I am and to continue changing every day. I am not the same person I was yesterday, let alone 3 or 6 years ago! Changes are challenging and frightening. But getting out of my comfort zone was the best gift I have ever given myself and I don't want my fear of changes to paralyze me anymore.
Acceptance is not synonymous with resignation. It means that everything that happened to me in the past helped build who I am today. This simple observation, which seems so obvious, came only after much therapy and personal reflection. It took me a while to understand that it is useless to try to erase undesirable events of the past. The more I tried to ignore or avoid difficult thoughts and memories, the bigger and harder to deal with they became each time I had to face them. I recently realized that I have no control over the automatic memories and thoughts that come to the surface. But when I became aware of their existence, I allowed myself to stare at them, greet them kindly and let them go, instead of avoiding or ignoring them as I used to. This exercise allowed me to live in the present moment with less and less obstacles arising from past fears.
Some unpredictable situations and people who passed through my life made me believe that having absolute control over everything around me would help me prevent unpleasant and even tragic events. At the same time, it was a way I found to protect me from criticism and from an environment where everything I said / did not say, did / did not do could be used against me. I also believed that controlling everything would help me avoid doing the same task twice and be more productive. Needless to say, these beliefs enslaved me: situations and (especially) people can't be controlled. As a imperfectionist, I can say that my relationship with the "unknown" is a "work in progress". In hindsight, being and insecure and imperfectionist person brought me more good than bad. But, inexplicably, for a long time bad things weighed more than they should. It is still uncomfortable not to know, not to predict, not to guess. But I need to be brave enough to allow myself to be bad at something new every day and have the courage to be disliked too. My main goal is to deconstruct past beliefs until I get used to the unknown.
Being stuck in the past and afraid of the future: I would say that this is the recipe for anxiety. And being anxious, among many other things, prevented me from living in the present moment. I always had to make an immense effort to be really present, without distractions and without doing several things at the same time, to give exclusive attention to the sensation of being embodied in the present moment. When I learned about mindfulness I felt relived because I discovered that I was not the only one who felt that way. It was necessary to invent a word just to express the urgency to live in the present moment: Mindfulness, derived from the word in the Pali language meaning 'Awareness'. I still don't practice meditation regularly, but I had surprising experiences when I allowed myself to close my eyes, let go of control and focus on the immediate sensations I was feeling and that previously went unnoticed because they were fully automated. One of my resolutions for this year was to keep my past from paralyzing me in the present because I am afraid of the future. And this was my last embroidery in the "fears” compilation💓
titsay
yousharknotpass
janainaart
romaincrisis
areudirty
