Hi u wicked wicked person, causal???? Tore my heart out and had me yelling at my screen, angst was impeccable, writing was impeccable, azriel needs a lil kick to the face, anyways causal was just absolutely phenomenal its been a while since i read a fic that made me care so much, and im so excited for part 2!!!
AHHH thank you! i’ve been loving all the new people here (even though u guys yell at me). pt 2 coming soon <3
me after azriel waxed poetically about how a mate bond matters to him when just 2 weeks ago he couldn’t give less of a rat’s ass about elain and lucien’s MATE BOND.
oh my dumb, emotionally underdeveloped boy
HAHAHA the pic is killing me
in a real way though, i chose to write azriel wondering if lucien is her true mate rather than just thinking elain should reject the bond. i think there’s a lot of potential to build on his relationship w mating bonds and being deserving of love. but we’ll explore that in part 2!!
Summary: Azriel and you have been friends for centuries. For just as long, you’ve hid your feelings. But a recent development slowly pushes you to your breaking point. Azriel calls it casual. To you, it’s everything
Warnings: ANGST, allusions to sex, Az is a bit of a bonehead here but we’ll fix it dw.
Azriel rolled off you, landing on the empty spot next to you in the bed. You looked over to him, catching your breath, the rapid rise and fall of his chest matching yours. His eyes met yours, and you felt a blush creeping up on your cheeks, as if he was a small crush in the marketplace rather than someone who had just made you see the heights of pleasure.
“Had fun?” You asked, a smile creeping up on your face.
He looked over at you, rolling his eyes.
”Wonderful, as always.” He teased. His eyes trailed over the length of your body, covered only by a thin layer of your sheets. The sunlight of the late morning crept in from your balcony window, illuminating the twinkle in his eyes. You had to look away, entranced by the beauty of him. Here, in your bed. Lying here with him like this, it was easy to pretend. The world narrowed to the two of you in this room, together. Here, your past no longer haunted you, there was no trauma, no secrets, no pain. If you closed your eyes and focused on the way his bare arm brushed yours and the breathing from right beside you, it was as if all was as you imagined.
“I have a light workload today. I was thinking I could take Elain to the marketplace, or through the River House’s garden for a walk.”
The cocoon shattered. For just a moment, your breath caught in your throat, and a surge of shame and embarrassment rushed through you, down to your fingertips. Quickly, you grabbed a hold of yourself.
“Are you…sure that’s a good idea?” You asked, trepidation heavy in your tone.
“Why not? I’ve been busy recently. I’m sure you’ve noticed,” he justified. “I wouldn’t want her to feel neglected.”
Ugly jealousy coursed through you, and you had the sudden urge to be alone.
You took a deep breath, willing your racing heart to control itself. “It’s just that Lucien will be in the city for dinner in two days.”
Defensiveness filled his expression, and you feared that perhaps you had made a mistake.
“So?” he started. “I’m not afraid of Lucien, Y/N.”
“I know that, but he’ll likely want to see her. You don’t want to start anything. Rhys will be unhappy. Maybe wait until after his visit.”
“Why are you being like this?” He asked. “Lucien can’t force her into anything, and I’m not going to refrain from seeing her just because of her so-called ‘mate’ visiting.”
You forced a teasing tone into your voice, trying to keep the mood light in spite of the knot in your stomach. “Az, he is her mate.”
He was silent for a moment, contemplation heavy in his voice. He rolled over onto his side, facing you. His wings shifted, and the sheet covering him from the waist down moved slightly. You forced your eyes up to meet his.
“What if…what if the Cauldron was wrong? What if he isn’t her true mate?”
Your eyes widened slightly. “Azriel.”
“I know. I know what you’re going to say, Y/N. But I just can’t help but feel like he doesn’t deserve her. She’s a Cauldron-made seer. He’s just an emissary.”
That sent a jolt through you. Just an emissary. In the logical part of your brain, you already knew that you weren’t necessarily special. At least, not in comparison to your chosen family in the Night Court. Feyre the Cursebreaker. Lady Death. The Shadowsinger. The Seer. And you were just an emissary. To your home court of Day that you once fled in fear, no less. You tried not to let that comment simmer in your brain for any longer.
“Doesn’t it make sense that she should be with someone else, someone who’s as exceptional as her?” he continued on. “She deserves better.”
He didn’t even seem to notice the effect those words had on you, the shock they sent through your system. For someone so observant, he never seemed to notice such things about you. Not with the comment he made, and certainly not with the fact that he was lying naked next to you, lamenting about his desire for another woman. You used to think him lowering his inhibitions so fully around you was a sign of his comfort. His innate relaxation in your presence, reflecting your own feelings. Recently, you’ve wondered if it was just a manifestation of how little he cared.
But Azriel loved you. If not in the way you’d hoped for, then as a friend. As a member of this family.
Didn’t he?
”Azriel, she has a mate.”
“I know that, but…”
“But nothing, Az,” you stressed. “You may want her, but it’s not a mating bond.”
Azriel remained still, but his wings shifted slightly. A tell of his exasperation. You always knew of his tells. You knew him better than anyone.
“Y/N, you wouldn’t understand. Mating bonds are difficult,” he sighed. “I should go.”
Azriel shifted up into sitting, silently as ever. The mattress dipped slightly as he turned his back to you, his wings dragging off to the side of your bed. He stood, and the emptiness of the other side of the bed was reflected in your chest.
“You’re right,” you said quietly.
But you knew about mating bonds. Knew them quite well, really. You knew what a mating bond felt like when a mate didn’t want you, and you felt for Lucien. He would take Elain any way he could have her, just as you did for your mate. Even if it hurt, even if it left your insides bleeding and yearning.
He paused his motions just slightly, as if sensing the poorly masked fatigue in your voice. Your gaze fixed on the sheets twisted between your fingers, unable to look up at his form moving about your space.
”I’ll see you later. Family dinner, tomorrow night?” he asked.
“Right. See you then.”
_____
You couldn’t really pinpoint when it started. The physical affair between you and Azriel had been unexpected, and you didn’t know exactly what it stemmed from. Loneliness, maybe. At first, you held out a little bit of hope that it would grow into something else.
“You’re not being serious, you did not.”
“I am not. I spilled wine all over him. It was mortifying!” You burst out laughing, and Azriel followed suit, the drinks flowing between you.
The two of you sat in the House’s study, illuminated only by the hearth in front of the room. The untethered mating bond hummed in your chest, filling you wholly with warmth. On a night like this, laughing with him sitting so close, it almost seemed silly to keep it a secret from him. He felt like home. Like the two of you belonged.
“I’m lucky that the High Lord of Day is such a flirt. He took no offense, and instead offered that I assist in bathing him.”
Azriel let out a barking laugh, inhibitions down in a way that made your cheeks heat. “Of course.”
The laughs died down, and for a moment the two of you just stared at each other, smiles lingering on your face. You couldn’t recall who moved first, but after another breath his mouth was on yours, and his hands wandered in places he had never dared touch before.
Through the haze of it all, a spark of joy burst within you. The mating bond sung within you, and fulfillment took over you in a way you’d never known before. It was happening, you’d thought. Finally.
Afterwards, the two of you lay in his bed, your head on his bare chest. His wing was underneath you, and warmth engulfed you from the tips of your fingers to your toes.
He was with you, and he was happy. It was an unconventional start to a relationship, but nothing about you and Azriel had ever been normal.
“I’m glad we can be like this, Y/N. Some…relief. No strings.”
Something within you broke, and the warmth of the mating bond grew cold.
“What are you thinking about?” A voice came from behind you, breaking you out of the memory.
You turned in your seat in the House’s kitchen to see Rhys approaching.
“Nothing, really.” You replied, taking a sip of the tea in front of you, Rhys taking a seat in the chair to your left. “Just thinking.”
”Hmm.” The High Lord started. “Does this have anything to do with a certain spymaster escorting my sister-in-law to the marketplace?”
You shot him a warning look. That bastard. “Rhys.”
“You can’t keep it a secret forever, Y/N. It isn’t fair to either of you, and I can only warn him off Elain for so long.”
Rhys learning of your mating bond had been a freak incident, the result of him catching onto a longing gaze last Solstice. He had agreed to keep it a secret, and to let you deal with it in your own way. You’ve had more than your share of men taking choice from you, and Rhys was not inclined to add to that list.
However, that didn’t stop him from meddling. He took every opportunity to encourage you to shout your bond from the rooftops, whether mentally at family dinners or through surprise check-ins. More recently, he had been more active in his intervention, barring Azriel from pursuing Elain. He claimed it was to prevent the Blood Duel. But from the moment Azriel relayed those events to you, you had seen right through it.
“I do not need you to warn him off Elain for me, Rhys. A mating bond will hardly change who he wants.”
“How do you know that?” Rhys stressed. “It can change everything. He deserves to know.”
The two of you have this conversation at least once every fortnight. It always ended the same way.
“Things would not change, and there is no point burdening him with a mating bond he will surely abhor.”
”It is not a burden. And you must know Azriel would never see you that way. It is a gift, to be mated to someone who is already so dear to your heart. One kiss, Y/N, could change everything.”
You closed your eyes, taking a deep breath and counting to ten. Letting the silence sit for a moment, you prepared yourself before speaking again.
“We have…done more than kiss.”
A beat passed between the two of you, before you spilled the details of the last eight months to Rhys, who watched with poorly contained shock. His eyes sat wide, and his mouth hung open. For the most powerful High Lord in Prythian, one could observe his ability to resemble a fish.
“This has been going on for nearly eight months,” Rhys repeated slowly, “And still he chases after Elain so brazenly?”
”He has never led me to believe this would grow into a romance. Any hopes are my delusion.”
Rhys covered his face with his hands, letting out a deep sigh, “It is not delusion. It is a natural response to a mating bond.”
“Perhaps, Rhys. But there is nothing I can do.”
Your fingers curled around the warm porcelain of your teacup.
“Nothing I wish to do,” you corrected, tone softening. “I do not want a mating bond that exists solely because he feels obligated to me.”
”You cannot truly believe that Azriel would see you as an obligation.”
”I think,” you said, “that if the Mother had some plan for him to joyously accept our mating bond, he would not leave my bed in the mornings with plans to pursue another female.”
—-
Family dinner was delicious, as always.
The aroma of perfectly roasted lamb and beautifully seasoned potatoes lingered throughout the River House, as empty plates signalled a meal well-enjoyed. Elain’s cooking was wonderful, but an ugly part of you couldn’t help but feel the weight of envy taking root in your chest.
Is there anything she can’t do?
Around the table sat you, Rhys, Amren, Cassian, Feyre, and Mor. Wine flowed generously as you discussed plans for a meeting with Lucien and Eris tomorrow. As a fellow Court emissary, you would be in attendance, so you did your best to focus on Rhys’ talking points despite the wine buzzing in your system. Luckily, your two most likely distractions were not here. Elain had excused herself to bed hours ago, and Azriel had left just moments ago to recon with some spies he had placed in Autumn. The table felt lighter without them here. All night, you had sat through Azriel sitting to the right of you, staring holes through Elain. It had been an effort not to burst out sobbing right there in front of everyone.
Recently, that had become a familiar feeling.
After seemingly hours of listening to Rhys drone on, making mental notes for later, you excused yourself to your room. You opted to crash at the River House, too weary to winnow to the House of Wind. Besides, you figured that a change of scenery might do some good. A futile attempt to chase the peace that had evaded you all week.
It didn’t matter that you’d be down the hall from Elain. You had no reason to be angry with her. Not really. She didn’t control Azriel’s overwhelming indifference to you. If he wasn’t focused on her, it would be Mor. Or someone else who met his standards. Someone special and outstanding and worthy.
Just an emissary.
Walking down the halls of the River House, you pondered on a future for yourself. Would you spend the rest of your life pining after a man who would never view you romantically? Would you ever tell him about the bond, wrecking a 200 year friendship and tying him to you in a way that could only lead to his misery?
The thoughts ruminated in your head until you heard the unmistakable rumble of Azriel’s voice.
Soft and low. Gentle in the way he speaks to you when you lay beneath him and you could pretend.
You looked up, eyes setting upon a slightly ajar door, moonlight filtering through.
Azriel’s room.
Your feet moved before your brain caught up to you. Rushing towards the doorway, you stood in the space of the open door before you truly knew what was happening. There stood Azriel and Elain, his arms just barely grazing upon her waist. They stood close, lips about to touch in a stance that you had been in with him just two nights prior.
Something was tearing in your chest. You tried to keep quiet.
But Azriel was an observant male. It was his job. Maybe not in the sanctuary of your bed, but certainly when he was tasked with protecting something as precious as Elain. His head snapped towards you in the doorway as if a fawn coming upon a faelight. His eyes widened slightly as he met yours.
The moonlight caught the gold flecks in his brown eyes, and the sight of them made your own vision blur with sudden tears. And all Azriel did was stare.
One moment he stood frozen, his form blurry through your watery vision. The next, he jumped back from Elain as if her touch had burned him. His gaze never left yours, though his expression shifted to something raw, something almost terrified. It was a jarring change, especially for a male so stoic and controlled. Some instinct deep within you recognized the strangeness of his expression.
His shadows surged forward from the corner of the room, wrapping around his form. They curled up his back, peering over his shoulders towards you. His gaze never left yours, and Elain’s eyes shot rapidly between the two of you, confusion painting her beautiful face.
It was then that you felt it. A tug deep within your chest, reaching down into a place that you knew all too well. Something strong and ancient thrumming within you. Light surged in your soul. Never in your life had you imagined a fulfillment like this. As if the centuries of your life had been black and white, and now you’d seen the colors of the sky for the first time.
The sensation flooded your body, bright and overwhelming, dimmed only by the absolute fear and shock that spread throughout your body. The look on Azriel’s face matched the war happening within you.
Oh gods. He knew. He knew.
Another tug pulled through you. Then another. The silence of the room was overwhelming, and you willed him to say something. To get it over with. To reject you. To end it. But all he did was stare.
“Y/N,” he rasped out, voice heavy. “You…”
You couldn’t do this. Couldn’t bear the words he would inevitably say. The disgust he would regard you with.
The bond tugged once more in your chest. Azriel’s wide, wild eyes were on you.
You turned and ran.
—-
Two weeks.
You’d successfully avoided Azriel for two weeks before the inevitable confrontation. For his part, he had stayed away from your meeting with Lucien and Eris. Immediately afterward, you had left for Dawn to meet with Thesan. An emergency alliance negotiation.
In your mind, it was a blessing from the Mother. Perhaps a small act of repentance after the stunt she pulled revealing the bond to Azriel.
The journey back to Velaris felt far heavier than the one that had taken you away. Dawn had been bright, orderly, predictable. Everything that Velaris couldn’t be until you had settled this with Azriel.
Winnowing to the House of Wind, you headed straight for the kitchen, intending to grab a cup of tea and hide away in your room.
”You’re back.” The voice came from behind you.
The male had an innate talent for silence.
Mother help me.
You took a slow breath, then another. It was time, you supposed. You turned to look at him, wanting to memorize the exact details of his beautiful face. Once he rejects you, would you ever see him this closely again? Could you bear it?
“I’m back,” you said, keeping your voice light, moving towards the kettle on the counter.
Azriel stared at you intently, unspoken emotion deep within his eyes. As if he too, had been anticipating this moment. Dreading it.
Neither of you spoke. The silence stretched between you, thick with everything that had gone unsaid for two weeks. His eyes stayed heavy on you.
He finally broke the silence, tension laden in his voice. “You knew. Didn’t you?”
Your eyes slid shut “I did. I’ve known for almost a hundred years.”
The memory hit you hard.
“How’s the lemonade?” Azriel asked, taking a sip of his own in the chair across for you.
“You were right, this is delicious. Best I’ve ever tasted,” you took another sip of the sweet liquid, “How did I not know about this place?”
“It’s one of Velaris’ many hidden gems. You could live here for years and not know of every treat.”
“Well, I suppose I have much to learn.”
A laugh burst out of him, and you his eyes. It was full and deep and brought heat to your cheeks. His large form, wings brushing along the floor, seemed almost comical in this small, intimate cafe. For a moment, you just watched him. His beauty.
Warmth filled you, and you felt something snap within your chest. Like a key slotting into a lock, something had slid into place within your soul. Your mouth dropped open slightly, and all you could do was blink.
“You ok?” He teased. “Missing the Day Court?”
Your hands trembled slightly from the shock of the revelation. “I’m fine. Just…enjoying the lemonade.”
You gazed up at him, and his expression held shock, betrayal, a hint of anger. “A hundred years? You have known of this for that long?”
You nodded once, fixing your gaze somewhere over his shoulder.
Azriel leaned back slightly, as if the distance might help him process what you had just said. If anything, it only heightened the tension between you two.
“I-” he paused, swallowing before continuing. “Why have you not told me, Y/N?”
“I wanted to, at first. I didn’t wish for you to be disappointed, I suppose.”
He gawked. “Disappointed?” He took two steps closer to you, a smile barely there on his face. “Y/N, I am far from disappointed. I am…elated. But I cannot understand why you’ve hidden this so long.”
Your breath stopped. He took another step toward you. You tried to calm the panic in your brain. This is not what you were expecting. Not how you’d envisioned this moment at all.
”You don’t understand?” You parroted, a mocking tone creeping into your voice. He stood so close to you now you could see the faint crease between his brows, the tension in his jaw.
Something soft crept into his voice. “You truly believe that I would be disappointed to learn that the Mother chose you for me?”
Your laugh came out brittle. Disbelief flooded through you at his words. “The Mother may have chosen me for you, but you have never chosen me, Azriel.”
”What?”
You laughed again. Surely, anyone walking by would think you mad.
”When this bond snapped for you, you were ready to kiss another female, Azriel!”
”So this is about Elain?” He exhaled slowly. “Y/N, that was a misunderstanding. I believe she might be my mate.”
”She has a mate!” You were shouting now, your voice rising despite yourself. An overflow of emotions betraying you. In the past, you’d always thought this moment would be defined by his anger, his emotions towards such a disappointing pairing by the Mother.
“I understand the timing was awful. I’m sorry.”
”You’re sorry,” you deadpanned.
Azriel shook his head, speaking slowly. “I know…I know that I have failed you in many ways. And I can understand why you wouldn’t have told me.”
He spoke slowly, choosing his words carefully. It was a stark change from his usual directness. Your hands shook slightly, tears welling up in your eyes.
”Please. Please don’t cry, Y/N.” He sounded desperate, pained.
“So what happens now?” You posed. “Elain is not your mate, which anyone with half a brain could have told you.”
”Now you are my mate. Everything has changed, darling.”
”Don’t call me that.” Gods, why couldn’t you stop the tears? They streaked down your face, staining your cheeks. “Nothing has changed.”
Azriel only gaped at you. “How can you say that? We are mates. Elain does not matter.”
”Doesn’t matter?” It was your turn to stare at him like a fish out of water. “You have no feelings for me. And I am not interested in you pretending to care for me.”
”I- I would not be pretending.” He stuttered.
You stepped back immediately.
“Yes, you would,” you argued, insistence heavy in your tone. “Two weeks ago, you lay with me in bed and told me that you wish to be mated to another!”
You had to shut your eyes before continuing. “Do you think that I don’t know you? I have watched for two centuries how you look at women that you actually want.”
“I want you.”
”Because of the bond,” you shot back.
”No,” he said without hesitation. “Don’t say that.”
A bitter breath escaped you, “What would you have me say, Azriel? For hundreds of years, you have looked at every female but me. And when you finally-“ a sob cut through your words. “When you finally touched me, and I had hope, you broke that trust. Stress relief, isn’t that what you said?”
He flinched at the words. “I did not mean to imply-“
”You implied nothing. You said it quite clearly.”
”I thought you were happy with our…arrangement. You never asked for more.”
”So you assumed that I was happy with just sex while you pined for another?” You let out a scoff at that. You were being petty, you knew. But you found that you didn’t care. This was uncharted territory.
You’d never imagined that you’d be the one with the power in the situation. Here he was, and he seemed as if he wanted you. Desired you. But that couldn’t be right. There was no way. He was only trying to do right by you.
“Azriel,” you continued, “You have never desired me romantically. Physically, clearly. But do not stand here and lie to me.”
His shadows peered at you from over his shoulder, and his brow creased slightly with effort. As if he had to work to hold them back from you. “I am not lying to you. I have never lied to you, Y/N.”
“But you still do not love me.”
Azriel huffed. “How can you say that? You are my mate!”
”But you do not love me!” Your voice raised again. “This is why I never told you about the bond.”
”It isn’t like that,” Azriel tried, anguish heavy in his voice. “Please, let’s sit and we can talk about this.”
”There is nothing to talk about.” You sniffled, hand moving to wipe a tear from your cheek. “And we’re stopping our little…arrangement, if it wasn’t clear.”
”Ok,” he nodded, frantically. He moved to take your hands into his. “How about this? We’ll start over. No past.”
You shook your head, sniffling. “No, you don’t understand.”
His expression fractured. “Tell me then. Help me understand how to fix this. We’re mates. And that means something to me, Y/N. It can mean something to both of us. We just need time. I know I was awful to you. And inconsiderate.” He lowered his forehead down to yours, and you felt a tear drop from his cheek to yours. “Let me fix it. I’ll do whatever you want.”
For years, you dreamed of this moment.
”We cannot be together, Azriel. I won’t be your second choice.”
”You would not be my second choice. Never. We are mates.” He stressed.
”But that is the problem,” you stressed. “The bond has chosen me for you. But you would never do so.”
“That isn’t true, Y/N. The Mother has linked us. And that means something to me. We can figure this out.”
Gods, you couldn’t do this. Couldn’t face him as he attempted to placate you.
Here was Azriel, a male that you had dreamed of loving you since the day you met him. And now he was telling you he wanted you. As a mate. As a lover.
You broke out of his hold, maneuvering your hands away from him, “I spoke to Rhys before I left for Dawn. I’m moving back to Day.”
He froze. A beat of silence passed between you, then another. “What?”
A/N: Hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think! :)
Summary: Azriel had been pulling away. You thought it was from stress. His busy schedule. From being tired. Anything but what you assumed you saw in the street that evening. Anything but that.
Word count: 3k
Warnings: Heavy angst, death, this is so sad and you asked for it 😭 (Recommend reading part 3 before reading this)
a/n: Okay well ouch! Here is the angst ending voted for by you all 🥲 Thank you again for reading this series. Writing angst is one of my favorite creative outlets <3 ily!! A happy drabble will be coming as the last piece for Entanglement.
Part 0.5 | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 (end)
Main Masterlist ♡
~~
“Azriel, what the hell are you doing?” Cassian sighed. “Seriously. What is this?”
Azriel furrowed his brows. He couldn’t answer. He wanted to—to be able to provide something that made sense—but his body was burning. His mind was scrambled.
“Cassian,” Feyre warned, but she sounded just as tired.
“I know we were going to do it differently or whatever, but I can’t,” Cassian waved off. “This isn’t you. This—you love y/n.” Azriel felt his body spasm at the sound of your name. “You’ve loved her for longer than I can remember you not loving her. She went back to Summer for a week and you followed her there. She was everything to you one month ago. That doesn’t turn off. That’s not—what is going on with you?”
Summer Court. Azriel could remember that. He thought hard, pushing past the murky haze in the crevices of his mind, and he found you. You smiling. Your eyes. You were always so soft. Something else was in his mind too, tapping, familiar. Azriel ignored it. He burned and hurt and he thought of you.
But he wasn’t allowed to think about this—you. In a jarring, unwanted pivot, Azriel’s mind shifted to focus on the present, an unfamiliar anger licking up his spine. He felt his face morph away from stiffened neutrality.
“What, is this some sort of intervention?” he shot back. “That’s not why we came here.”
“You don’t love her anymore, then?” Mor asked.
Panic and heat and a sick sort of fear.
“Who?” he choked out.
“Don’t play dumb. Say you don’t love her.”
The words were quickly trickling on his tongue, but he resisted them. It felt so wrong. All of this was wrong. It hurt to think about you, but it hurt to act as he was. Azriel gritted his teeth so hard they started to ache. His jaw popped and he flexed his fingers out along the table. Beside him, Vanessa sat. Eager. Waiting.
“You can’t,” Mor finalized.
No, he couldn’t. He couldn’t, and he never would. Azriel had never once in his life thought of you without immediately shining with adoration. He loved you so deeply it was ingrained in his bones. It was a truth he would carry with him into the ground.
But he couldn’t defend himself. He felt strung up, pulled around. Vanessa’s eye twitched in his peripheral, and he remembered something she had said last night.
“Oh, Shadowsinger. It will take time, perhaps, but she will move on.”
“The bond,” Azriel had breathed out, hand clutching his chest. He never gave in to her fully, always on the edge of pain to rebel. “She said she’d—”
Vanessa’s face had contorted then, an ugly flinch filled with disgust. She’d rolled her eyes and droned on about the impracticality of mates, how tired she was of hearing his woes. She doubled down on the enchantment in his mind, using the glow of the bond as leverage. She did that somehow, stringing the cauldron-blessed magic of his bond into a tie around his mind. It was one of the reasons it remained closed to you.
Azriel considered, briefly, once, that Vanessa must have hailed from Day Court. Her ability to manipulate magic was familiar in that way. Azriel did not give the thought much care. He didn’t think about Vanessa much at all, if he could help it.
Azriel’s confusion and pain suddenly morphed into action. He felt himself rise from the table. His cutlery bounced against the polished wood, and his family jumped in surprise. Even Vanessa startled, but she was quick to right her expression and stand beside him.
Words curdled in his throat. “If none of you are ready to accept this path I have chosen, then that is fine. I will do my duties for this court from a distance and—”
“What have you done to him?”
Azriel’s lashes fluttered at the sound of Rhysand’s voice. Something unraveled inside of him, but then Vanessa twitched, and it righted itself. The High Lord sat pressed forward in his chair, knuckles turning white.
Vanessa’s face began to match the shade. “What?”
“I’ve been trying to enter his mind for the entirety of dinner. He usually keeps a pocket open for me to communicate, but even that is clouded. Azriel does not have the power to do that, nor does he consider it wise to close his mind to his High Lord.”
“You’ve… to enter his mind?”
Rhysand stood to dwarf her height. “You’re not just an apothecary, are you?”
Yes, Azriel thought, please see it. Please.
His fingers twitched by his thighs. Vanessa opened her mouth to reply, but something stopped her. Azriel had wanted to hear her answer, so he sought out the reason for the delay.
A moment. Another.
He realized he was screaming.
His knees ached and he realized he was on the floor, hands splayed out on the tile. His chest felt as if it were being ripped out, separating his consciousness from his being, and so he sank his fingers into his sternum. It did not help.
“What are you doing to him?” Feyre yelled, rounding the table quickly. “Stop!”
He heard Vanessa’s stumbling footsteps. “I’m not—that isn’t—”
Agony like he’d never felt ripped through him, different from the constant simmering ache that swelled whenever Vanessa willed it. This was different. So different. Azriel sucked in air, but was unsuccessful, his lungs spasming. He felt as if he were being severed in two.
Cassian’s voice came next. It echoed past the ringing in Azriel’s ears. “You’ve done enough. Stop. Now!”
“That isn’t me! I don’t know what’s going on with him. And I haven’t even—we’re in love. I’m going to be part of the inner circle. I’m supposed to be.”
Cassian groaned in frustration as Azriel began to hyperventilate. “What are you—just let him go. Whatever it is you have on him—”
“No!” she screamed back. “I can’t. I deserve this. Not her. Not—not any of you.”
Azriel felt it then. The bond Vanessa had been holding captive was slipping from her grasp, pushing forward the panic in her tone. Azriel tried to reach for it as it caught along each jagged edge of his being, but it kept pulling and pulling and pulling.
Another scream ripped from him. He felt the air on his cheeks and realized tears were flowing there. Feyre was above him, a gentle hand on his back, but Azriel could barely register the touch.
You. It was you, and you were fading from him. Azriel squeezed his eyes shut and welcomed the burn that came with remembering you. With remembering the way he loved you. He let it simmer beside the guttural feeling in his chest and he gasped out his next words.
“It’s her,” he practically sobbed. “She’s—” No. Azriel could not fathom what this pain meant. Vanessa bared her teeth and tried to shake free from the grip Cassian had on her shoulders. “Oh, Gods. She’s—where is she?”
He was screaming at no one, but darkness soon pooled at his ears, his shadows responding to his urgency. Archive, they whispered, sounding angry. He hadn’t known them to voice emotion. A magic tie. Breaking. Weak.
Azriel felt the blood drain from his face. He thought about your face, the way you laughed, the pretty way you hummed when you made dinner; if it burned, it was still there. He let it burn and stood, battling the two types of pain within him. His knees shook. Every movement took considerable effort and tore him apart.
“Azriel.” Rhysand’s voice was firm but imploring. Azriel could barely make out the sound of his name past the ringing in his ears. His stomach turned as he stood, nausea building.
He heard more voices, more commands he could not register.
The way your fingers felt along his face, the smell of your perfume, all the sweet things you whispered in his ear; Azriel shuddered at the pain and the memory of you. He thought he heard his name again. Maybe yours.
He stumbled forward and clutched the table so hard it cracked. He pressed his hand to his forehead and squeezed his eyes shut, but the next scream that left him was desperate. His head hung for another beat, and when he looked up, it was directly at Vanessa. There was another explanation for this pain, but it all led back to her. If you had found a way…
Azriel tuned his pain into rage.
“I will kill you if anything has happened to her,” he said, voice dead as the dragging silence in the room.
Another throb beat against his chest. Against the bond. His one safe haven. His solace. Azriel swallowed the bile in his throat and took off on shaking legs, flying so fast that his shadows struggled to keep up, getting picked off by the splices of wind bouncing off his wings.
When he reached the archive, the door was decimated in seconds. Azure light ricocheted and glowed so deep it almost appeared black. He was met with calm. The stairs leading down to you mocked him as they creaked beneath the pressure. He had hoped for something to fight. For some threat to fix all of this.
With the quiet came the confirmation.
He could feel you within him; the bond opened for the first time since he left you, and it was painful. Agonizing. You had tugged and yanked and he felt your desperation just moments ago, but it was faltering now. Azriel let out a helpless sound at the distance of the archive.
After several desperate moments of searching, he found you hunched over a book, your skin an unnatural shade and dotted with beads of sweat. Your hands were shaking; he wasn’t sure why, but it was the first thing to send him into alarm. You whispered a final word as Azriel said your name aloud.
But it didn’t matter.
He was too late.
Piercing pain shot through his chest, much worse than before. He gasped for air as he reconciled, somehow, with the feeling of being separated. From you. From the joy within him. Azriel cried out and his face became damp once more, tears springing not from the pain but from the loss of you.
I love you and I’ll always keep you safe and I’d never choose a life without you. Memories of his words flashed through his mind as the bond fractured. It cracked. It screamed within him. Azriel glanced up through his unsteady gaze to find you in similar pain, and he tried to reach you. He tried so hard to hold you, even though you were ending something he adored so dearly. Something he needed.
You made a broken sound that faded past the rush of air in Azriel’s ears, and he tried harder. His legs weren’t cooperating. He briefly realized that it didn’t burn to look at you anymore. He realized that his love for you was whole again, whatever influence Vanessa had over him moot without the presence of the bond.
Without the presence—
An agonizing sob escaped Azriel at the hollowness inside of him. He looked away from you, just for a moment, to stare down at his chest, searching for the signs that must be there. He had to see this pain visualized, the tearing out of his soul, but everything looked the same. He swiped his hand across his chest and it still ached, but there was nothing.
He looked up, brow furrowed, panting under the hardship of what he had lost. You were looking back at him. You looked worse than he had ever seen you before. Azriel stumbled and still didn’t reach you, catching himself on the worktable before him.
“You…it’s—” he couldn’t form the words. He didn’t want to say them out loud. The bond was broken. He was free from Vanessa only because of that truth. The next word that he spoke ripped from him—your name, only once, filled with so much pain the vowels shook.
You opened your mouth to speak, and Azriel clung to the moment, eager to feel something from you when he was so otherwise empty. But he watched your eyes flutter instead. He saw your skin sheen with that faded shade. Azriel watched the blood fall from your nose and saw you sway and he bypassed all weakness in his joints to catch you as you collapsed.
He muttered out some form of a question, but you were fading, eyes unfocused and attempting to shake yourself out of it. Azriel could not even relish in how it felt to hold you so freely, without pain, without his mind betraying him, as he clutched you against his chest. His empty chest. You were against him, but he was missing you.
“W-what’s happening?” he desperately cried, his hand coming up to run down your cheek. Blood stained his fingers.
You swallowed. You found his face in a daze. “You… love me… again?”
Azriel’s chest chaved in, the feeling more than he ever thought possible. His head tilted as he looked at you, so pretty, even like this. He blinked through more tears and choked.
“I always have,” he cried. “Our bond. Did you—”
“Didn’t think…” you began to reply, lips losing color. “‘M sorry. I thought you—”
Azriel held on to your every word, chasing them when they lost direction. He pulled you closer to encourage you, but you weren’t looking at him anymore. He was breathing heavy now, his hands shaking as yours had been.
“You have to tell me what’s wrong,” he desperately sobbed, eyes roving over your face as if he’d find an answer. “I can’t—I can’t feel you anymore. I don’t know what to fix.”
You clutched at his hand on your waist, but your neck fell next, Azriel scrambling to hold it up. You were getting weaker. Azriel had seen men die on the battlefield, and his stomach turned as he made the comparison.
“I didn’t—think. I didn’t mean to break it. I l-love you. I want it back,” you cried, words slurring. Your gaze was wild then, searching around the room. Maybe for him. Maybe to find him. Azriel was quick to enter your eyeline.
“I’m right here. Hey—my love, I’m here. We can fix it, I swear to you. Listen to me. I swear to—” He couldn’t keep going. Azriel bit into his bottom lip as his jaw shook. As he trembled. As he unraveled and felt himself becoming something never to be undone.
“I feel—I’m cold,” you whispered through hiccuping tears. “I don’t feel you.”
“I know. I know. We’ll fix it.”
“I-I ruined it.”
Your nose was bleeding again. Azriel thought about the toll of breaking a bond so sacred. He considered the toll of losing you.
“You ruined nothing.” He pressed his forehead down to yours. Inside him was an empty abyss. “I’m going to take you to Madja. You’re going to be fine.”
You nodded, but it was disjointed. Your hands twitched as they twined into Azriel’s shirt, and with the hand that wasn’t holding your neck, he covered them. Grounding them. Grasping onto the last moments of you.
This wasn’t about him anymore.
It would be later.
For the rest of his life.
Right now, though. It was about you. About the lost, scared look in your eye.
“Did you know—” he croaked out, a heartbroken smile curling at his mouth when you turned to hear him. “—that I loved you before the bond?”
You took in a ragged gasp of air.
Azriel continued. “So beautiful. How could I not? Intelligent. Kind. Everything I could have ever wanted. I knew from the moment I saw you. The bond was only ever confirmation of what I already knew."
Tears were steady on his face as he spoke, but he kept his voice clear for you. For the way you were losing the tight grip on his shirt.
“I will love you after, as well. I will love you until I die. I never needed a bond. I never—” he caught on a sob. “I never wanted anyone else. Ever.”
Your brows furrowed. You wanted to ask questions, but you didn't have the strength to.
Azriel kissed you, lightly, one last time. “I will explain it all to you. I’ll meet you there, wherever you go. I swear to you.”
You whispered something he couldn’t hear, but he knew the shadows could. He watched how they swarmed around your form, panicked, swatting at him to do anything. He would have, if he could. He used a sliver of power to command them, but they were rebelling, so angry at him.
“What was that?” Azriel cried, eyes blurring so furiously he could barely make you out.
“Our—vow,” you choked out for him. “More than the—bond.”
Azriel was nodding vigorously, recalling how much importance he had placed on the words he spoke to you when you were mated. The vow between you. He wanted you to hold onto that.
“Of course. Of course, our vows. My strong girl. Always the vow.”
That was enough for you.
The grip on him vanished, your neck going slack.
And Azriel considered the toll of losing you.
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