Palaverous

Another human ramblings blog disguised as poetry. Trigger warning: I write about the big sad, heartbreak and existential anguish.

[netchjello]

Question

Sometimes I think about God as a father.

A father that looks at his children, still rebelious even with wrinkles and gray hair.

I wonder if he is saddened by our behaviour.

When men kill, when women deceive,

but most importantly when we wound ourselves, lying in our own face.

Does he weep?

Does he mourn?

When he sees his child buried in woe.

Nestled in bed, with sheets all wet, knowing why he aches, the reason he wepts.

Do I make your heart feel tight when you see me like that?

I am aware of my absolution,

I am guarded in your grace,

but for a moment I question

Is there an all knowing father frowning in grief, for a child whose love is immensely deep?

[netchjello]

On the pain that comes with having loved someone.

We underestimate how painful loving truly is.

We say heartbreak can be healed.

We say time repairs and replenishes.

But we certainly know, hearts cannot go back to who they were before love.

No matter how many people we meet, how many we let into our lives,

the outcome will always be the same.

Another wound transformed into a permanent scar.

A painful reminder of failure,

a tortuous memory filled with regret,

a bittersweet aftertaste lingering on your mouth

everytime you kiss somebody new.

Loving has become a burden to me.

An arduous labor I'm tired of performing.

And I constantly beg God for an answer.

I ask for some sense of relief,

a moment to unload my empathy,

and get rid of this pathetic need to be loved,

This absurd fear of loneliness only anchors me,

It ties me to situations where Im trapped,

ensnared by sweet words and empty promises.

Caged and locked with insincere affection.

Lured by the greedy,

blinded by my own naivety.

I get on my knees and I clamour for someone to hear.

Wishing I could understand the purpose of all this.

Love has impaired me, scarred me and almost destroyed me.

I will never go back to who I used to be,

and as ashamed as I am,

I have to admit, I can't put a stop to this urge we call hope.

Nirni

[netchjello]

No title just thoughts

I feel so stupid for telling you how much I love you

I feel so idiotic for believing you could love me too

I am naive for trusting again

for letting passion cloud my vision

and lull all my senses

Once more I stand betrayed

but can I really blame you?

I just saw what I needed to see

my heart’s desire overwhelming me

I’ve made a fool of myself

so many times I’ve lost count

Always end up in tears

promising lies I cannot make real

I’ve said to myself enough times to be clear

I will never be enough for anyone

but it’s like Im deaf and short of memory

I forget the moment hope crosses my path

that wretched thing that refuses to die

Could you be the one to kill it?

Could you finally put it to rest?

Should I beg you to do me that kindness?

Just shoot that last bullet before you leave

do me that favor

a fair exchange for what I gave you

I would cry if my pride wasn’t in the way

I know tears would cost me more than I can afford

I’ve paid with enough heartache

I will be destitute in no time

Homeless and heartless

Now it’s my turn to close the eyes

shut the windows and bathe in cold regret

Not looking back at any of them

and every time I remember your name

I shall expunge it from within

One letter at a time

I’ll erase every syllable that holds a memory

whether its sweet or painful

They don’t matter anymore

Did they ever matter to you at all?

Was this doomed since the very beginning?

Was it all a make-believe?

One of those tales I tell myself to sleep

pure fantasy, delusion and deceit

a honeyed lullaby

a sugar coated forgery

One with eyes of gorgeous green

contagious laughter and sincere madness

Will I ever be able to create another story?

One containing the charm you hold in the exquisiteness of your voice

A fable of trust and soulmates in love…

Nirni

[netchjello]

It's like suicide

All my life I've only given

given myself entirely

not to humans

but to vultures

waiting for someone vulnerable

they can use and dispose of

to devour unabashedly

until the marrow is no more

I've been chewed and spat

worn like a rag

discared the moment I served no more purpose

I've been the brief amusement

to entertain their lust and gluttony

thrown like a broken toy

or burnt to cinders like old paper

I'ts like suicide

every time I cover my own eyes

and pretend I can handle beasts

all they eager to ravage me

anxiously decending into their pit

I profess love and courage

the very moment I feel their teeth

I conceal my pain and tears

with words of hope and fidelity

An immolation of emotions

an offering of faith

promises tainted in blood

lies painted in gold

I decieve my very spirit

with each attempt on my life

fabler of dreams

forger of truths

my role as a lamb

a saviour

and a fool

Nirni

[netchjello]

I don’t want to write about love

I don’t want to write about love

but you are the only one I can think of

Sometimes I wish I could empty my brain

free you from the chains that hold you against your will

My mother just came and hug me

as she has seen me cry unconsolably

feeling pity for not being able to fix me

even though she asks me

what can she do for me

I cannot tell her the source of my pain

That I cry because I love

and the only hug I really want

comes from the one I cannot have close

But I knew the moment I chose you

I would break my own heart

and I did it anyway

Its like I have an affinity for self destruction

always pouring my soul

into the ones who cannot hold it

a fondness for the void

for giving myself without second thought

And I wish I was selfish

entitled to myself

to be greedy and never take part

in the feast of self sacrifice

never again offer my body and my heart

in the altar of love

to be consumed and torn apart

Only wishful thinking

for I know I am not

and I’ll never be that

I don’t want to write about love

but love is what makes me whole

and also what messes me up

Love

a single word, with a single face

with that smile of yours

the blissfulness of hearing your voice

the heart skipping a beat when I read your words

the emptiness of my days

when you are not around

the plenitude of life

when you call my name

Love I fear

Love I need

Love I dread

Love I dream

You I love

Nirni

[netchjello]

Found

As for storms

the one I’ve survived

seemed eternal

relentless chaos

adrift in the sea…

And even though

my body shriveled in pain

a helpless mute internal cry remained

The fragile vessel

sinking along the unstoppable waves

the flood overloading my senses

To numbness I passed

Or so I thought…

Yet ahead

The darkened brume opened itself

as if a sharp blade

that slashes through pain

cut clean a new path

Gasping for a breath

I was dazzled

when a hand took me aboard

My head came out the blackened waters

to skies undimmed

The steady water surface

reflecting the sun

Or was it your beaming face?

Looking pleased at his new found treasure

Marzanna

[netchjello]

Another

Sometimes when I feel unloved

unappreciated and even detested

I turn

to the familiar churn

swirling memories

revolting my entrails

my very core

but then I feel quite sure

I am not alone

Somewhere I know

there must be a soul

feeling misplaced in this world

absent of hope

and full of despair

wishing there was

an equal who cares

and desperately craves

to be known

to be loved

Nirni

[netchjello]

Depuration

D.H. Lawrence once said writing was like having a good sneeze

and I couldn't agree more

even though I believe there is another way

a more primitive but equally satisfying one

Crying

Wetting some tissues

or even the clothes you wear

drenching them in salt water

is like expelling all the sorrows from within

an exorcism of sorts

every demon in the shape of a crystalline pearl

dropping violently from the internal hell

the one we call a soul

If I could cry all day

I'd oblige

I would spend hours soaking cloth and paper alike

releasing painful memories and dreadful dreams

I would clean myself sparkling

free of repugnance

for my very own skin

I would scrub my face with corrosive tears

attempting to erase it

to destroy it

to never gaze at it again

But I often find

I have no more translucent grief to keep going

I have emptied my core

trying to make a pool

where I could drown and forget

To loose conscience

as I immerse in those waters

impatiently engulfing the liquid

that would bring me to darkness

Nirni