Only people who have been there will genuinely understand the fear and anxiety that comes with finally standing up for yourself after leaving an abusive relationship. It's the scariest and most frustrating feeling ever.
Feeling over it enough to actually say or do something but having the automatic fear response triggered and feeling everything you felt before. No amount of pride from others, pride in yourself, or positive thoughts can stop or alter that automatic feeling. The feelings of being scared about what is coming, the second-guessing what you said or did, the frustration of that person still being able to do that to you even years later, and the self-blame that it ever happened in the first place.
I wish I had the answer to fixing it, but I don't because I'm still dealing with it. People, even therapists (yes, I study psychology and am seeing a therapist), will give all sorts of advice, and none/only some of it will be helpful. It's a painfully slow and painful process, but we take baby steps in the right direction. Just like baby steps, we will fall back, and it will hurt like hell. We will question everything. But just like babies, we WANT to take the steps. We WANT to be fully walking independently. So we get back up (even if it takes a while) and start stepping again. Unlike with babies, there isn't a standard timetable of when you should start taking those steps or even master walking independently; it happens when you are ready to start and with time, patience, and self-compassion.
I say self-compassion and cringe because I honestly have very little self-compassion. One thing that has been helpful (to get the little bit I have) from my therapist and my amazing partner is thinking of what you'd say to someone you truly loved who was going through what you are going through. It's easy for our brains to think of all the people who would tell us to just get over it or that we were still playing the victim, but this that what YOU would say to someone? I'm going to take a guess and say that you wouldn't. You would likely have compassion for that person because you understand what they are going through, and you, very likely, know what you'd want to hear from someone talking to you.
If you have made it to the end of this post and you relate to it, I'm sending you the biggest, tightest hug possible. You are not alone in what you are going through. Many of us understand. And I want you to remember that the subjective severity of the abuse does not invalidate what you experience because of it. Abuse causes trauma, and trauma has a spectrum of impacts on our lives, none more or less valid than the other. Keep taking those steps and working towards that goal of walking independently. Hugs!
(Oh, and to those truly supporting a loved one who has been through abuse, your support does not go unnoticed. We may not be able to express what it means to us, but we notice it. You don't have to have all the answers or fix us; just be there as we take those steps. And remember to take care of yourself and your mental health while in this process. It's a kinda cliche statement, but we are in the process of putting our own oxygen masks on, and you need to do the same for you. Hugs to all the people sticking by through it all!)
