Shit New Moms Should Know

This is a friendly little blog about shit that new moms should know based around what I've learned so far as a new mom, and the things my friends tell me. I'll be the first to admit I don't know everything, these are just things I've learned that work for me! Have a good mommy day!

[georgetakei]

[newmomshit]

Things motherhood has made me say:

DON'T THROW SHARKS AND CRY ON ME I AM TRYING TO POOP!

[newmomshit]

[justtouchedawkwardly-deactivate]

[chris-lives-here-deactivated201]

Tumblr law: Always reblog the queen.

[bohemian-fairies-blog]

If you don’t have this on your blog at least once, get out.

[demiurgeofdom]

fuck y'all I’m not rebloggin a gat damn- oh wait 😅🙃

[willow-s-linda]

not hatched yet

[dynastylnoire]

OMMMMMG

[newmomshit]

You might be a mom if:

Small plastic toys soullessly stare up into your vaginal cavity from their watery prison of your bathtub while you shave your legs.

[renaissancedreams]

Let's raise children who wont have to recover from their childhoods

[newmomshit]

What I call a pack and play

-habitat -cage -baby prison -container -house -nest -thing -jailhouse -box What everyone else calls a pack and play -pack and play -play yard -play pen

[overdose-affliction]

[tastefullyoffensive]

The Tragic School Bus (photos via dontori)

[anarcuddles-deactivated20160726]

matadelanimasola

[tastefullyoffensive]

[kateoplis]

Wrong Hands | tastefullyoffensive

[newmomshit]

Um hellz to the yes with these.

[newmomshit]

1st and 3rd Birthday Party Combo (from hell)

This weekend we're celebrating my toddler's 3rd birthday and my baby's 1st birthday in a combo party. It's construction site themed, and should be pretty sweet. Here's some shit I have learned so far from previous birthday parties. In the form of a list. 1. Keep it simple, bitch. Hand make the decorations? Been there. Did that. It took five-ever, which is one more than forever, and stressed me out. Know what's easier? BUY THOSE BITCHES. Party supply stores exist. Utilize them. I do, and even though I do not save money by doing so, I do save time, which to me is almost as precious as coffee. I digress. 2. Delegate. Guess who is making my cake? NOT ME BITCHES. That responsibility is going to my husband's cousin's wife who practically gets off on making cakes. She loves it, that shit stresses me out, now everyone wins. Also she is good at it and I'm learning to not be an utter control freak by doing literally everything myself. Like with Thing 1's first party, in which I hand made everything including bake the cake and make a smash cake. Um no. Never again. Delegation saves sanity. Me likey sanity. 3. Don't over plan. Guess what we're doing at the party? Chillin, eating sloppy joes and beans, opening presents, eating cake, letting toddlers play and have a kick ass time, chat with each other, and then everyone leaves and I go to bed. I COULD have organized games, I COULD do a bunch of stuff that sounds hard, but I frankly do not want to. Fuck it. We're going to have a low key party and I am NOT going to get stressed out, I'm going to eat a lot of carbs and hang out with my family and friends and watch my children's eyes light up with joy. That's my plan. Birthday parties. Boom.

[hahawhore]

[vampirefaun]

POUR JUICE ON YOUR BABY. J UUSTT PP OURR J UCIICCE ALL OVOEOR RYOUR YOUN GG  CHILDD, J US T DO I T YO U PIE CE OF

[newmomshit]

How I make breakfast before coffee

[georgetakei]

Rocking the roll! #ParentingWin

Source: Epic Parenting

[newmomshit]

This is pretty great.

[adamjk]

[newmomshit]

Stop giving so much of a fuck

There is a lot of pressure on moms (and women in general) to look a certain way, parent a certain way, act a certain way, and blah blah blah. Be your own unique you. Don't parent directly from a parenting book. While those can be helpful and have great tips, do what works best for YOU and YOUR CHILD. Quit paying attention to and desperately trying to cling to the newest fad or trend or whatever, just do you booboo. There is no sense in putting unnecessary pressure on yourself, being a mom is tough as it is! Also, don't forget to have fun! Are the dishes in the sink stressing you out? Knock it off, your kid is only going to be their current age for the remainder of the day, take time to play and hang out with that lil homie. They need you more than that toilet needs to get scrubbed. I'm not saying be completely neglectful and let your house go to shit, but remember WHO is important not WHAT is important. K that's it for today. Be nice to yourselves, bitches. <3

[messysouls]

i want my children to grow up barefoot running through the woods. I want them to know the feeling of the trees growing around them, to recognize the gurgle of a stream before they see it, to know the taste of a blackberry from a bush long before the taste of a chip. I want my children to experience the earth we came from through touch, not pictures, and video games. And I want to be right there with them through all of it.

[newmomshit]

This. All of this.