i love compliments from my friends ~ the other day we were talking about fall outfits and he tells me “you always give fall studio ghibli vibes to me” and you don’t know how much that meant to me 😭
as i write this, i am halfway through the book. when i first picked this book up, and read what it was about, i thought to myself "why would i read something like this? its so dark. too dark." but part of me wanted to read it, part of me couldnt stomach it. when i found a week free of work and a million books available on libby, this book jumped at me again. it had been a reoccurring book that kept jumping out at me. in different states, different bookstores, and online.
i decided, fuck it.
this book is about a young 15 year old named vanessa, who goes to a sort of boarding school and lives in the dorms there. from here, i will say that the contents of what you're going to read is disturbing. tw; rape, sexual assault, pedophilia, gaslighting, manipulating, etc etc the list goes on.
some books can differ in writing. some books are better on audiobook, due to the poor writing and its better to just listen to it if you cant stomach the authors way of writing. i cant speak on the writing, but i can speak on the storytelling of this audiobook; deep, emotional, and cuts to the core. i imagine this is something i would have read when i was a teenager.
back to the story, though. when vanessa goes to school, one of her teachers Mr. Stein starts to groom her. manipulate her. tell her shes so grown for her age, and that he can't keep away from her. that is all the details i will give as i've decided halfway through typing this that i cant stomach to tell the details of what happens to poor vanessa.
the sad part about this book, though, is that through flashbacks to present (where she's 32 in present, during the me too movement in 2017.) she is still holding onto the man who took advantage of her, determined that she is not a victim, and that they are in love, though as an adult they arent able to have sexual relations due to her no longer being his taste (too old. not young.)
she watches as her old classmates confess their abuse and point the finger at the man who did the same thing to her, and starts to question herself. her reality. the way that this is written is painfully beautiful, as if she is losing her mind, losing reality in what she has believed in the last 15 or so years.
he tells her over and over again, "its not the same with you. we had something special back then. i loved you--love you." disgusting.
through this book, you feel her pain in a way i haven't feel reading a book in a while. you are with vanessa as she processes these emotions, as she comes to reality of what really happened to her, even as a teenager and her inner thoughts screaming "no, this is wrong, i don't like this" yet finding herself connecting to him in a way i can only compare to a sort of stockholm syndrome. he abuses her, hurts her, does awful things to her, she hates him, but she cant stop going back to him for comfort. not sex. comfort.
falling into the own arms of her abuser. of course, it is not her fault. this is all she has known for years. part of her knows--knew--it was not normal, and that what was happening was wrong, but by the first time he took advantage of her, it was too late. he had her trapped, feeding her lies on what would happen if she said anything to anyone.
"they will put me in jail, and you in foster care. who's parents would allow this to happen? they would take your parents too for allowing this. we have to keep this a secret, you have to swear."
not only do i feel sympathy for vanessa, my stomach churning and head feeling light during the graphic scenes, but i also feel for her mother. her mother knew, yet has said nothing. being passive aggressive, yet never saying it directly to her daughter. and her dad, never looking at her the same. never even really looking at her.
i wish i could pull vanessa into a hug and protect her, because vanessa is not just vanessa, and this story is not just hers. this is something that happens to us. it can happen to anyone.
when reading this book, it reminds me that we never know what someone has lived through in their life. even if they are young, or especially when they are young. i cant wait to finish this book, but i will need to read something lighter after this.
vaporwave
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
gummygunk
2087
pixelskylines
dailybridgerton
