I’ve been having a hard time the last few weeks deciding whether I want to be disappointed or appreciative of people before I leave. When I spend time with people and they come over to hang out or we go some place, I think that this is how I want to spend the last few weeks I’m here. Other times, I feel like I don’t really belong among any of the groups of people I hang out with, and that no one really cares all that much about whether I leave or not. When it really comes down to it, I think I’m just scared to be disappointed, because time and time again people always disappoint me in some way and it makes me realize how insignificant I am to other people. I stopped being enthusiastic about hosting events and asking people to hang out after I realized, slowly but surely, that people just didn’t have time for me or what I was interested in. It’s kind of pessimistic to look at it that way, but really, people have moved on from a lot of stuff like that. Eventually all of the declined invitations started to weigh in on me and I started to think about how it was all affecting me. And it was affecting me. It made me realize that the small ounce of happiness I got from hosting the events wasn’t really worth it when people said they couldn’t go, either because they couldnt or just didnt want to, and when I realized that people who did go sometimes didnt even want to be there. It’s really sad but I think things eventually just died for me, and I had to face that fact that noone really cared. Sometimes I thought that this was probably the worst thing to do: give up. But continuing to host things for as long as I did ended up just being really depressing and hurting me more than it should.
In case anyone wondered, too, I never really intended for the events and get togethers I hosted to be done just for me. I didn’t do them so that people would look at me and say, hey, that’s the guy that hosts stuff! I didnt host them for me so much as I did for the people going, becuase I wanted everyone to kind of come together again like before. A part of me feels like maybe it came off as me trying to make a name for myself or something pretentious, but I never wanted it to be, really.
And then things started to boil down even further, and I just realized that people have better things to do. I’d like to think that people care about me but that’s kind of selfish: everyone has their own things to do, their own problems, their family, their job, their schoolwork, their girlfriend, their boyfriend, their other friends, and then it’s usually me at the sidelines. At times I would dwell on this thought for days and I think a lot of the last few months has been me pondering how much I mean so little to people and how much I wanted to leave as silently as possible so as not to try and have any get togethers anymore and disappoint myself. It’s reality, too, and even if I’m depressed about it that doesn’t mean it rings any less true. I really can’t expect anything out of anyone just because I’m leaving. Honestly, who cares? Probably not as people as I thought would.
And then when I think about people in general, I realized that I probably haven’t been real with anyone in the last couple of years or so. At all. It’s funny how there are so many jokes about being “dead inside” but that’s actually what it feels like. I think any part of me that resembled a human being is just...gone. I finally realized that I probably don’t really get along with anyone or am any good with social interactions because I’ve just had so much psychological trauma over the couple years with friends that I just can’t seem to want to get close to anyone. I’m painfully aware of how everyone operates on the inside, how everyone will say something right when you leave, how judgemental even the kindest sounding people are when you arent looking. It’s...sad, and I don’t know how to fix it or if I even can, anymore. I sit here thinking why I haven’t really had a real heart to heart talk to with anymore recently and it turns out that after years of having those kinds of talks with people and them laughing at you or not even listening, you just can’t anymore. It’s too damaging to think of all the times I’ve been hurt by other people and how I just can’t do this anymore.
I know you aren’t supposed to give up when it comes to things like this, but I feel like I’m really on the brink sometimes. Whenever I feel like I’m slowly moving away from the edge, I double back and find myself in the same place.
This is hard.
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