post-college graduate. 8 months strong. young 20s and confused something. pink moscato sipping. carrie bradshaw envying. luxe wears and fashion loving. san francisco living. but new york dreaming. trying to figure post-grad. one mishap and heartbreak at a time.
I think there is a certain age, for women, when you become fearless. It may be a different age for every woman, I donāt know. Itās not that you stop fearing things: Iām still afraid of heights, for example. Or rather, of falling ā heights arenāt the problem. But you stop fearing life itself. Itās when you become fearless in that way that you decide to live. Perhaps itās when you come to the realization that the point of life isnāt to be rich, or secure, or even to be loved ā to be any of the things that people usually think is the point. The point of life is to live as deeply as possible, to experience fully. And that can be done in so many ways.
Iāve read this quote dozens of times, but for some reason when I came across it again this week, I was like, āWow. Thatās absolutely exactly what success means to me.ā Maya Angelou never fails to be an inspiration! š http://ift.tt/2yQ9HdM
When a thing has served its purpose, it will go away. If you try to hold on to something that has already fulfilled its purpose in your life, you are going to hurt yourself. If holding on is disturbing your peace of mind, it makes sense to let go. Surrender all attachments to people and things that you have been struggling to hold on to.
Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you havenāt found it yet, keep looking. Donāt settle. As with all matters of the heart, youāll know when you find it.
If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another. The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience.
There will be a few times in your life when all your instincts will tell you to do something, something that defies logic, upsets your plans, and may seem crazy to others. When that happens, you do it. Listen to your instincts and ignore everything else. Ignore logic, ignore the odds, ignore the complications, and just go for it.
When people say ārecoveryā, you typically think of returning to how you were before your illness. But there is no going back. You do not merely recover, but reinvent yourself. You become something completely different from what you were before.
This is the thing: When you hit 28 or 30, everything begins to divide. You can see very clearly two kinds of people. On one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find ā¦ themselves and their dreams, people who know what works and what doesnāt, who have pushed through to become real live adults. Then thereās the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. Theyāve stayed in jobs they hate, because theyāre too scared to get another one. Theyāve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they donāt want to be lonely. ā¦ they mean to develop intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they donāt do those things, so they live in an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than when they graduated.
Donāt be like that. Donāt get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Donāt lose yourself at happy hour, but donāt lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal.
Ask yourself some good questions like: āAm I proud of the life Iām living? What have I tried this month? ā¦ Do the people Iām spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life thatās keeping me from moving forward?ā
Now is your time. Walk closely with people you love, and with people who believe ā¦ life is a grand adventure. Donāt get stuck in the past, and donāt try to fast-forward yourself into a future you havenāt yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along lifeās path.
I am so incredibly excited to have time to do the things Iāve wanted to do but havenāt had a chance to do in a very long time.
I know these summer months will go by so quickly, and Iām trying to live my life more intentionally based on gut feeling and less on timelines dictated by people, society, what have you.
So without further ado:
A gut feeling list of things:
Be present, live in the moment
Spend more time outdoors (the beach!!)
Indulge in yoga and vinyasa flows
Take an art class
Spend time surfing
Play more music
Journal more / write more
Eat clean, eat well, eat sustainably
Volunteer on a farm
Go travel the world
Take a dance class (or two)
Live aesthetically
Learn a language (or two)
Be selfish about myself, my time, my energy
Talk out toxicity through therapy
Learn about fashion and fabric construction
(finally!!) get those new glasses
Take care of your eyes - strain is never good
Take care of your teeth - if it needs to be pulled, it needs to be pulled
I hope after the summer, I walk out more in line with myself, my values, and my path and detox and rebuild my energy, my brain, my drive.
Part exhilaration, part relaxation, and a weird sense of calm - like realĀ calmness that I havenāt felt in years.
Between tumblr, word press, journals and everything in between, itās been a hell of a 8 years.
Because today is my last weekend chained to corporate.
And tomorrow is my first day as a free person.
Iāve been extremely lucky and blessed to be able to finallyĀ fucking do this.
To take time off for myself.
To have the luxury of having time to know, understand, and feel where things are going.
Iām finally off the rat race. And honestly, I donāt think Iām ever going back.
I needed to learn what I needed to learn these last 8 years.
At age 18, I humbled myself because I had high expectations for myself and didnāt get into Harvard, Yale or Princeton, even though I pushed myself to the point of depression.
At age 20, I lunged into a pretty deep depression that resulted in horrible grades and no mental health support. But I was lucky enough to score an internship in DC that changed my whole world around,
At age 22, I graduated with some pretty solid friendships and a fantastic senior year that I felt was too soon to say goodbye too. Looking back, maybe I shouldāve taken a fifth year or some time off, instead of racing forward on this path society defined for all of us.
At age 22 and a 1/2, I moved across the United States to California, where I had no contacts, no family, and no friends. I scored a high profile corporate job that paid beyond what I couldāve expected from home, and again lunged almost again into a seasonal, surfaced depressed. Soon enough,Ā I was pretty adamant about disliking anything and everything about the new place I lived in.
At age 23, I finally moved up to the city and started meeting new people and friends. This is when I met some of my best friends, who later moved to New York and the east coast.
At age 24, after finally fighting for a job promotion, I finally got one. But only because I had threatened to quit. This is when I realized how much I hated politics and corporate. Oh, I also dated a guy and got my heart broken for the first time.
At age 25, I freaked out and hit a mild quarter life crisis and questioned everything I was doing. But I did get the hell out of my shambles of an apartment and met my New York roommate and moved into a beautiful (but in horrible condition) victorian in one of the more upscale parts of the city.
At age 26, I hustled my way into a new (but still) corporate job. I met some people, did some things, got criticized for not performing type A work and then almost got canned. But I turned things around, made things work and fought my way back into a place on the team. Also dated a guy who did nothing for me, when I gave everything. But lesson learned.
At age 27, I hustled again to get a new job in an area I had always been passionate about. Little did I know, this would be a job of a nightmare and for the first time, I learned what psychological abuse, gaslighting and toxic environments really felt like. I also entered therapy, and began connecting all the dots between mind, body and soul. I yet again dated a guy who was not emotionally or mentally thereĀ and realized how toxic my dating habits were. I also joined a startup incubator program and finally had the courage to start bringing my ideas to life. This was the first moment in her(story) that I realized I couldĀ be an entrepreneur if I wanted to.
At age 28, I finally decided suffering in silence and over cocktails and weekend pre-games werenāt worth it anymore. The rat race shouldnāt be all that the world should be about. I also moved into a quaint, down-to-earth, beautiful, artistically inclined apartment by the ocean, and decided that I would embrace my creative roots instead of feeling forced to live the yuppie, rat race, money making life. My last day was Friday. As if you couldnāt make it more into a metaphor, as I was able to leave, a fire drill started happening. Talk about real.Ā
Tomorrow begins my first day of not working, not doing anything, just me being me. It feels right, it feels calming, but itās almost like I havenāt grappled with what I would do with all of this freedom finally.
Because for the last 8 years, I havenāt ever really taken an extended break, ever. Emotionally, mentally or physically. Iāve been pushing my mind, body and soul to the point of burnout, exhaustion, where even doing the slightly effort-inducing thingĀ would require an exponentially heavy amount of burn. Of headache. Of concentrated effort.
Iām ready for the next journey. And Iām excited to see what comes next.Ā
Iāve taken time to learn about myself. And now Iām ready to show the world what Iāve learned.Ā
Just had the most spot on tarot card reading ever done.Ā
In the car as we drove back up to the city.
It was so wild, and exactly everything I needed to hear. I started dating this guy and he texted me a few dates in saying he wanted something casual.Ā
I wanted to know how he felt about me, and what I should do next.
The answers? Profound.
Hereās what was said:
He got hurt by an ex and still isnāt over it
His friends are emotionally toxic
He has a hard time being alone and constantly needs to be around people
Heās dating multiple people right now - me and another girl, and heās sleeping with us all
Heās attracted to girls who are not stable who make him question things and go back and forth - heās way into the chase and itās going to be a while IF he ever figures out itās his problems
Boy has EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE - RUN!!
I, on the other hand, am WAY too good for him, stable, responsible, mature - and heās turned off by that because he doesnāt know what he wants and chases shiny objects
He needs to spend time figuring himself out
Heās emotionally unstable and doesnāt know how to work through previous hurts, also he is probably insecure
THATāS why he doesnāt want a relationship with me, because heās screwed up himself
What I should do next:
Itās the end of the relationship
Continuing on will only hurt me and feed into his ego
I do *not* have to text him back, he doesnāt even deserve that
He will eventually come back, but by then I will have moved the fuck on and he will regret it
Because I wonāt answer, heāll startĀ āsearchingā for me probably online
Itās really best to move on, forget about it, and leave - I am WAY too good for him
I tend to attract broken people because I am so nurturing - the attraction is subconscious and people like that seek out folks like me
I need to trust my gut and intuition - it has a tendency to get me out of situations right when it makes sense
I may be too trusting of people from the get go and let them in too quickly only to find out they were NOT what they seemed
I tend to over intellectualize and go back and forth on making decisions, not being sure of what to really do
My friend said the exact thing yesterday, but I needed the power of the cards to show me what I knew all along.Ā
But the positives? I was born to be an entrepreneur, and am naturally confident in who I am and myself - and I own up to it. This can turn off other women who are insecure because they seek that themselves and guys.Ā But at the end of the day, my gut and intuition helps me stick to my path and make the decisions I need to make.
I might be a little jaded, but a little optimistic.
As much as I used to deny it, the west coast has changed me more than I know.
It really truly is a special, magical place of avocados, perfect guacamole, and happiness and sunshine and everything in between.
But if thereās anything Iāve learned, itās this -
When things get comfortable, itās time to get uncomfortable.
Shake things up. Do something different. Challenge yourself. Grow.
Take time off. Breathe a little.
Journal a bit.
Write down your thoughts.
Own your feelings.
You know?Ā
I also believe sometimes the first day of the year sets the tone and intention for the rest.Ā
Itās 20-freaking-19.
Weāre here. And weāre almost near another new decade.
There is literally no excuseĀ to not do things that make you happy.Ā
Create the life you want. Make yourself happy. Be authentically you.
And thereās nothing wrong with that.
Even though itās terrifying and scary and everything in between, and who-knows-if-itāll-be-the-right-decision, but in 2019 Iām looking forward to:
taking risks
quitting corporate
moving to new york
honing creative energy
finding my person
starting a company
fostering inclusivity, positivity, and love
notĀ letting my insecurities occupy my mind and take the best of me
Insecurities like: feeling inferior because of my race/ethnicity, feeling self conscious in mostly white-dominated spaces, seeing people for their character and humanity, and less what they look like or do.
And most importantly, not letting other peopleās opinions chip at my self confidence. Yes, Iām not the smartest person in the room, or the thinnest, or the prettiest, but I mean what do those things even mean?
āSmartā,Ā āthinā,Ā āprettyā - these are terms that are completely socially constructed. Someone may be book smart, but be horrible at planning or assembling things together. Someone may be model thin, but lack the endurance to run a marathon. And that same person could be the prettiestĀ āgirl next doorā person in the room, but not in another country or at another time.
I am me. I am uniquely me. I have big ideas. Bigger ambitions. Quiet perseverance. Empathy. Positivity.
Success is all arbitrary. Some chase titles, others chase money, and others are simply content and happy enough spending time with loved ones.
It took me until 2019 to figure out -
But I am most happy when I am inspiring, leading and building something bigger. With positive, creative and empathetic people who care, are inclusive, and are committed more to the mission than titles or paychecks.Ā
Doing damn good work that matters.
Making this my mantra for 2019.
New Years Eve was amazing, fun, fabulous, and exciting in every shape and form, with good people and positivity. I hope it sets the mood for the rest of the year.
Weāre two thirds through this year, and Iām 27, wearing slightly new chic(er) pants, typing on a shiny new laptop.
But Iām still sitting in the same place.
The law quad.Ā
5 years removed from college, but still so close to it all. The people are still the same, the town is the same (maybe slightly more diverse), and my feelings of fondness still fall on how magical and special this town is.Ā
Because you see, even though Iāve grown in insurmountable ways, and seen and experienced more than I ever could, it all disappears the moment I come home.Ā
It feels like my childhood summers.
My hair is back at full volume.
And ice cream is still three dollars and twenty five cents.Ā
The town still has the same vibe - relaxed, but not tooĀ relaxed, buttered with that standard midwestern nice-ness. TheĀ āI will be polite and opening and welcoming but not passive aggressive enough to the point where I am disrespecting youā
Itās a feeling I canāt quite describe - it just feels right.
But maybe thatās what this journey is all about - to leave the whatās normal, whatās comfortable, and embrace the messy. The ambiguity. The in-betweens.Ā
Taking risks. Starting that business. Being bold. Speaking out (and up). Letting things that do not serve you to go. Embracing positivity. And finding your person. That person. Even if it means having to experience multiple heartbreaks.Ā Ice cream and rose help.Ā
Because what Iāve learned at my time here is this - no matter where you go, the school, the community, and the lessons will alwaysĀ be there with you. Because youāve gone here, and experienced things, and met people, and didĀ things, you will always be able to persevere.Ā
And as Iām sitting here typing away, maybe thatĀ really is the whole point of our twenties? To experience the highs, the lows. To take risks. Say no to cushion(y) things. To do that vacation. To love that person. To eat pints of ice cream. To get crushed. To be heart broken. To try on twenty pair of pants only to find the perfect one hidden beneath a fold.Ā
Maybe that reallyĀ is what our twenties are for.
And maybe Iāve just played it farĀ too safe, because I wasnāt confident in my own abilities or my own grit.
Cheers to taking more things in stride, receiving and accepting vibes, writing more, doing things, loving more, taking risks more, opening myself up more, expressing myself more. To conform is boring.Ā
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