Nico

he/it/rot[19]spam/vent account

[nic0oftheunderw0rld]

kidney infection

I ended up with a kidney infection that i found about monday night at the ER. I was in a lot of physical pain like i was crying and it was so bad. They decided to give me pain meds and the first one was fentanyl, and then they gave me morphine, and then they switched to dilaudid for the rest of my stay. I was hooked up to an iv and i got quite nicely hydrated and they gave me iv antibiotics. I got to the er around probably 4/5pm monday and got moved up to a room at midnight. I got a single room and then i had to do more talking n answering questions and getting admitted processing shit, i was so tired but i had to stay awake because my boss was gonna deliver my things(bunny stuffie and sweatpants), and finally my stuff came and then i was able to go to sleep and i slept really good. anyways they woke me up a few times in the night to take my vitals and blood. My iv machine also decided to scream at me and wake me up, but still slept great somehow lol. THey let me out of the hospital later on tuesday and gave me a prescription antibiotics n anti nausea meds

[nic0oftheunderw0rld]

trigger/content warning eating disorder vent

I am so god damned tired of having a fucking eating disorder. this shit never seems to get better it only ever gets worse and worse and worse. i am like purging about half of what i eat these past few weeks and like idk its bad but im losing weight. its so stupid cause like it controls so so manyt of my choices i am so tires of it being my reason behind so much of my motivations and actions. no matter how i move on from other things that is the one thing that seems to stay, anf like not only stay but progress and get worse and like cause way way more issues than it has ever fucking been worth. I am so tired of my fucking brain yelling at me for eating, or like for simply not moving enough during the day and then ending up eating. I cant even fucking enjoy almost any food at all and its gonna drive me crazy, if i enjoy it too much i want more and then i have to throw it up. every little thing that causes me issues i decide that the fix to that is for some reason binge-purging and or starving myself or excercising until i cant move. i just want to stop its been like this since i was like fucking 13/14 its horrible i am so so so tired. and like finding eating disorder social media has been amazing in some respects but in others it has made things so so so much worse. I wasnt able to purge before i found a few specific threads on eatind disorder forums, and like eating disorder tumblr and twitter and instagram have given me so so much community and feeling understood but also has given unhealthy tips and habits. and information and images that i will never unlearn. Through them i have met people years ago that i am friends with still and for that i will be so so thankful but the damage it has caused also is quite extreme and i dont know how i will ever come back from it. i havent been able to eat without thinking about the calories or what i have to do or if i should throw it up in years. it fucking sucks im so done. everyone is like you need help you need help you need to eat you need to get it together. talk to me. i can help. i wont eat until you do. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST SHUT UP IT ISNT ABOUT YOU JUST SHUT UP. this is so so much more than i ever thought it would be, i miss my life before i didnt have this, before it was fuciing ingrained. my worry now is if i will ever be able to recover. i have been tracking calories, restricting, bingeing, purging for years now, i dont know how i could ever really grow too far beyond thay it has become such an integral part of my life. i feel doomed. there doesnt feel like hope, there isnt a light at the end of the tunnel anymore, it went out years ago.

[nic0oftheunderw0rld]

imagine ever feeling okay or safe or okay or alive or even like your real or like anyone cares... anyways ima drinkk

[nic0oftheunderw0rld]

drink drank drunk, my life is so good rn, but like also so bad anyways idk

[nic0oftheunderw0rld]

imagine ever feeling okay or safe or okay or alive or even like your real or like anyone cares... anyways ima drinkk

[nic0oftheunderw0rld]

i applied to college

i am being a person and i applied ot college and im going into therapy its like a whole new era of me i wonder how long i can keep it up, i am worried that things will deteriorate quickly like they always do and that i will end up in the same place i have before(on some sort of a shitty ass bender) but like im gonna savor the stability and okayness that i have right now

[nic0oftheunderw0rld]

ah i miss a motherfucker

im sorry for what i said and i am sorry for what i did i never meant for things to end up the way they did and like idk but i am kinda pissy cause i dunno what hapened to staying friends or mainting contact like its been months , i guess i get the message he doesnt want to be freinds anymore which really really fucking sucks because like he was one of the most important people in my life and one of the closest ones aswell, but yk alas there isnt really anything that i can do about it now, so i will simply be sad and stew about it

[nic0oftheunderw0rld]

I made big life progress i am 2 months sober from crack/cocaine and pills, 4 months sober from dxm coughsyrup, and 6 months sober from meth and mdma!!!

[nic0oftheunderw0rld]

slurs

slurs i can use:

bi:faggot

trans:tranny

autistic/tourettes:retard

yeah idk just i can use these losers

[itsocd]

[nic0oftheunderw0rld]

yes

[nic0oftheunderw0rld]

a video of me smoking and listening to yung gravy from like 2 ish weeks ago i have different hair now but yeah

my therapist told me she thinks im crazy not like call the cops yet crazy but def crazy and idfk how to feel abt that so ima overshare to folks on the interwebs haha i dont really know what is going on much anymore and im kinda worried she might be right and i might be going crazy and that scares me alot so i try to not think about it but its fine i dont need to cope with my issues lmao

music i reccomend:

IC3PEAK

grimes

shinedown

godsmack

lil peep

lil nas x

yung gravy(duh)

theory of a deadman

lil d*rkie

get scared

twenty one pilots

the nbhd

fall out boy

the doors

bo burnham

melanie martinez

my chemical romance

nickelback

well thats it for now

tata

april 15,2021

9:14pm

ps im just gonna have posting binges and then leave then back 

[nic0oftheunderw0rld]

this is me when i lived at my brothers house so thats great lmao this account is gonna be a spam venty thing ig but i lived there for a month maybe a bit more in october 2020 and it was  wild the house is not fully built missing walls and doors in important places lmao, smelled like piss and shit cause their dogs werent properly trained and honestly it wasnt horrible but i would definately not wanna live there for a long time he is a conservative and very rightwing extremist type shit and im a leftist and like the idea of anarcho communisim so thats cool i hate the majority of my family so ima talk a bit about it on here cause yk life is gross as fuck lmao:) but yeah haha im gonna go smoke more or eat dinner so bye guys:)

april 15,2021

8:36pm