!yangjungwoncfemOC! (could self insert if you want)
Sypnosis: where winter never really leaves, even as it fades
She was snow melting in my palm. And even then, as time was slipping through my fingers, I still never told her how I felt.
tags! (lemme know if I missed anything, I'm new to this not true to this-): first person POV, won POV, angst, longing, low key pathetic won?, teen love, yearning, YEARNING, a man who yearns is..not a man who earns?
“The cherry blossoms are blooming
Even this winter’s coming to an end
I miss you,” -BTS, Spring Day
Her name was Mi-rae. And she was bright like winter snow. But that didn’t mean she was pale. No.
Her skin was a light tan, something like honey. It tasted like honey.
It was her mind that was bright. That shined even in the darkest moments. Cold. Witty. Logical. Something that said she was destined to prove, to be great and conquer anything she wanted. Any obstacle that stood in her way would be crushed.
Mi-rae was snow. Cold, bright, soft snow. The kind that you fall on and it doesn’t even hurt. But the coldness nips at your skin still until you go numb. Because she didn’t know how to be anything else.
You see, Mi-rae always had this thing about her. Something hidden and tucked away. Something that made you look twice because something shined so brightly inside that you just couldn’t name.
Mi-rae, for the longest time, was my god. My salvation. My angel.
It transforms into water, slowly seeping into the concrete. Dripping into the gravel. Soaking into the soil of the grass. It disappears until winter comes back again, but no winter is ever the same.
And sometimes snow doesn’t come with winter.
I wish we would’ve had more time.
I wish I would’ve had the courage to speak up back then. Say what she means to me to her face. Because everyone else already knew.
Jake would raise his eyebrows when he dapped me up. Grinning like a fool while I tried to hide my smile.
Sunoo would do that eye smile at me–you know the one. Barely even hiding it behind his fingers. Eyes crinkled into moon crescents with a shine like the stars.
Ni-ki’s eyebrow would quirk up whenever she walked into the room, taking a glance at her and then me. As if daring me to do something.
Sunghoon wouldn’t react, but I know what he was thinking. I always knew what he was thinking, from crossed arms to little breaths that were his version of laughs.
Jay teased. Tried to get us together. Put an arm around me while he said some exposing joke to her, pushing me toward her.
Heeseung was the most subtle, honestly. I still don’t have a good read on him after all these years. He would only glance. Ever only saved his true thoughts for when me and him were alone. But even that was vague and wise in some elder brother language I never learned how to understand.
They all knew Mi-rae was everything to me.
I’d always have a spare banana milk for her in my bag. I would always take the long way to school to get strawberries with chocolate from that bakery near our school. Only because I found out she liked them. I liked them before I knew–would only get it sometimes– but after I found out, it became an obsession. Something to get every day just to see her little smile of approval.
That’s what her lip gloss tasted like.
I think about it every time I bite into one now.
I kissed her. Just once. Barely.
It wasn’t really a kiss. More like a brush. A ghost of what could’ve been. But it lingers in my soul even now.
It would’ve been more if Jake hadn’t walked in. If our seven minutes in heaven weren’t up. Such a foolish game. Childish. Something that high schoolers shouldn’t even be thinking about because we were too grown for that.
But it was the best game. Because then I had a taste of her. Even if it was just a hint.
But a hint was all I ever got.
Because I was a coward. Too shy and quiet for my own good. Only ever bold when that student council president persona came out.
She used to laugh. Told me I only ever spoke up when it came to the good of other people. And it stung. Because she wasn’t wrong.
I never spoke up for myself when it mattered. Even though I could protect myself just fine. Those taekwondo classes Mom put me through helped a lot.
I never told her. Never even whispered it under my breath like brave cowards do.
When she fell asleep on my shoulder on the way to that stupid aquarium during that stupid field trip (Ni-ki fell in water. I don’t know how. Mi-rae laughed and I saw God).
During those countless times me and her were in the student council room by ourselves.
During those seven minutes of heaven.
During the fireworks festival.
Or even just when she was in front of me.
I should’ve told her. Should’ve blurted it out. Should’ve officially asked her to be all mine.
The snow melted too quickly. Graduation came.
I couldn’t stop time. I knew her plans.
Mi-rae was always too bright to tie down.
And if you hold snow? It melts in your palm. Dissolving anyway.
There was no universe where I could have kept her by my side.
I’m a junior in college now.
I was a junior when she graduated. When she went off to the States to study at Stanford. Even if she was more of a Cal State East Bay type of girl.
And now? I bury myself in work, in my studies. I make no time for parties or any of that childish shit the boys are still on. Not anymore.
Because if I do, what happens if winter doesn’t come anymore?
Winter comes every year. It’s mandatory. It’s a season. Like clockwork, winter will come.
But no winter’s ever the same.
Winter changes every year. Sometimes colder. Sometimes warmer.
Love will always change. And sometimes that’s the worst hurt of all.
And no matter how it changes? Even now? Maybe–no. No maybes. Mi-rae doesn’t deserve maybes. She never has.
Winter’s still my favorite season. And I always wait for it to come again. For that cold, bright snow to welcome me again.
A/N: first fic on Tumblr guys kinda nervous...lemme know how y'all like it! Also lemme know if you wanna be added to a tag list or something for other works :) I always switch POVS and do a little bit of everything or try to so lemme know! Inbox is always open <3
creds 4 banner: @uzmacchiato