The Greatest Science Experiment of All Time.
So I was thinking to myself, “What would possibly be the best item to take back in time, and reproduce and sell to people.” The best thing I could come up with was modern sex toys. I can already smell what you are all thinking; “Nig, how in the fuck does that make any sense.” Well just hear me out you small minded quadrupeds.
First off I would like all of you to think of all the advancements that have come to human society in the last couple hundred years. For thousands of years human cultural advancement was a close to a standstill, but then something happened it moved us away from the simplistic Mousterian tool technology of our ancient, Neanderthal cousins and brought us into what was considered the upper Paleolithic. Humanity moved slowly, but steadily. They domesticated animals and plants, created more advanced tools, built villages, created governments, invented alphabets, created recorded history, built cities, created empires, adopted wide spreading religions, created fine arts, destroyed and conquered empires in the names of these religions, created better technology with the intent to use it to destroy more empires for the sake of religion and sometimes resources and other times mass genocide, created even more advanced technology, went into space, and finally gave rise to the internet and all the modern day marvels we use today. This names only a few things that happened. I do understand that I may be leaving out a few things, but honestly I don’t want this to be the most excruciatingly long thing possible to read.
Now still some of you who have stuck around through my run on sentence may still be pondering the thought of where the fuck I’m going with this, but just continue to use your eye ears to view my words. Now I ask you why is it that mankind went to all this trouble to advance itself. Honestly it should be obvious; it was for fucking. The drive for sex is what has driven us through the bright doors of tomorrow. Here’s a list of me proving the above things since I don’t really want a second run on sentence in my scientific article.
Animals were domesticated, even though it was harder work than hunting and gathering, so we could fuck them.
Plants were cultivated them so we could shove them up our orifices.
Better tools were made so we could finish the work sooner and get back to sex.
Communal society was created so getting to know more people to bang was easier.
Government was created to try to organize sex and make it profitable.
Alphabets and recorded history were made so we could write about and remember all the great sex we had.
Empires were built on top of orgies and sexual escapades.
Religion happened when people got kind of scared that the magic man in the sky didn’t like them fucking so they made arbitrary rules to follow so he didn’t get as mad.
The fine arts were made with the intent of providing people with something to spank the naked monkey and stab the soggy tuna to.
Other empires were conquered in order for people to morally justify their raping of other people in the name of their mysterious sky man.
Better technology was created so that people could conquer other empires faster, rape them faster out of spite and anger, and get back to apologizing to the spiteful sky spirit quicker.
We invented technology that would allow us to travel far distances so we could fuck people that, a couple hundred years ago people wouldn’t have even know existed. This technology also allowed us to created nicer things for us to pleasure ourselves using.
People went into space so that they could say they were and astronaut/cosmonaut and lots of people would want to have them inside or be inside of them.
The internet, honestly one of the most important fucking tools that has been created to date, not only can you fuck yourself but you can email someone from across the world and organize going to meet them, realizing they’re a 13 year old lady boy, and fucking them anyways. The amount of free shit at your disposal is limitless, and by free shit obviously I mean gratuitous quantities of porn.
Now that you can understand that sex/porn/fucking are the keys to advancement let me get a tiny bit closer to the point I’m trying to make. Now I didn’t really give a definitive timeline for when anything particular happened, but if you’re older than the age of 12 then you probably understand that the most human advancement happened in about the last 200 years. In the last 200 or so years our species has increased it’s amount of sex and usage of sexual and pornographic paraphernalia. This leads to a conclusion that sexual pleasure and technological advancement have a direct relationship.
This still fails to state my idea, but at least moves us slightly closer to my argument. Now though, I shall put it in perspective for you. If we were to bring back modern sex toys, such as the most high tech vibrators, onaholes, dildos, and such we could push humanity into the future at an alarming rate. If such fantastic devices had been made readily available for consumption just 1000 years ago, we may already be living on planets outside of our galaxy. Unfortunately though, this hypothesis may prove difficult to test, seeing as nobody can travel back in time. My idea though is the second best thing. We should find the most isolated people, which after a quick google search I have found to be the Sentinelese tribe who live on the Andaman Islands off of the coast of India, and give them all the aforementioned devices. Since the article also says that they kill all outsiders we will have to air drop in the sex toys and watch them from afar. At this point we just wait and see how long it takes for them to invent the internet and travel into space.
If this wasn’t well explained enough for you I can go into more detail in my Doctoral Dissertation that I’m not writing for my fake major, whatever major it would be. I’m going to go with Ancient Life Sex Toy Connoisseur PhD. Anyways I hope that I have in some way enriched your life, if you feel like creating a petition to get the U.S. Government to fund me messing with an out of touch society, please feel free.
TL;DR: I’d make a lot of fucking dosh if I had a time machine.
