Midnight thoughts

may the spirit of Nike find my heart and give my wings flight.

[nikesflight]

ive lived in 4 different cities in the last 3 years and every time i moved i thought this time it will be different.

and it was for the first couple of weeks but then i kept falling back into the same depressing habits. i couldnt understand why this happened.

its taken me 3 years to realize that it is not the enviroment surrounding me that is misurable, it is me.

i can keep moving as much as i fucking want but it wont change shit untill i learn how to change.

[nikesflight]

if your dad doesnt text u 'good morning princess' every single morning is he really your dad?

[nikesflight]

girl help im telling lies

[nikesflight]

the fact that people in u.s.a has the chance to get the vaccine yet choose not to is baffling when you realize that literally everywhere else no one can get a vaccine even if they want to

[nikesflight]

twitter really made karl jacobs apologize for supporting someone YEARS AGO, as if we all didn’t grow up watching filthy frank, shane dawson, onision, pewdiepie (logan paul and james charles for the younger gen) - the list goes on.  clown shit.

[nikesflight]

you guys say head empty, but really, heart empty too.

[nikesflight]

i've said "i love you" to a lot of people because english is easy like that - the words are at the tip of the tongue, though they often carry less weight. but whenever i try to say them in my native language, they get stuck in my throat; not because they are hard to pronounce, but they are hard to say in a way that have nothing to do with talking and everything to do with loving.

there's something about it; the way i can wax poetry and utter beautiful words in english as easy as breathing; because the words are just that; air.

my own language, the guttural, throaty mess of sounds and silence, as H.C. Andersen said "you are my mother's soft voice, you reach my heart". in my own language i can only say this: the birds are singing; the sun is warm; my heart if beating; beating; beating. and i hope you read between the lines.

in english: i'm sorry; i miss you; you matter; good job; i love you; i love you; i love you. i say and it is easy and weightless and something out of a movie. air. because this language is not my heart - the words have meaning but they do not matter.

yes: i love you means i love you but their weight does not translate. so when i say "i'm sorry" know that it is not said with regret and that i can never mean it from my heart.

[nikesflight]

ginny and georgia is so good. i know a lot of people say it's a bad portrait of teenagers, and there's a lot of cringy lines. but abby is literally the most convincing teenage girl i've ever seen in a movie/show. also the way they played out the MANG group is SO good. but if it was real maxine (whom i love) would get bullied so bad, im sorry, she just would not be part of the "popular crowd" or whatever.

[nikesflight]

i miss being 15 years old and being invited to places. i miss people going “you’re here! i’m so glad you made it!” i miss being pulled asided and told a secret. i miss playing never have i ever and a friend saying something extremely specific just to get me to lose. i miss the “remember when..” and laughing at inside jokes. i miss being someone. most of all, i miss being known by someone.

[nikesflight]

I think of my life now and how it is so different than what it was like 4 months ago, and six months before that.

i think maybe life is just that - phases upon phases.

in 6 months time it might be as if the me from today never existed at all.

but i still stand on the same two feet, looking at the world from the same height beneath the same sky.

and all i can do is take it at face value. and accept it.

[nikesflight]

So I'm in this boat, right? And it's quite foggy and the waters are merciless. There's rocks up ahead; I can't see them just yet but I know they're there. "Stay clear of the rocks" the people on the radio in front of me say. How do I do that, I ask. "Steer the boat” they say as if it's obvious. "Just steer the boat." But the thing is. I've never been on a boat before, and I've certainly never steered one alone. But if I tell them that, they'll get mad at me. "Why did you get on the boat if you don't know how to steer it?" they'll ask and I won't know how to respond.

I don't even know where the steering wheel is - I don't know the layout of this boat, of any boat if I'm being honest. I should look for the wheel, I know that. But my steps are so heavy and my bones feel like cement and it's so hard just to get up from the chair by the radio. The waves are dark and wild and salty. They look more and more tempting each passing day.

How was I supposed to know? The boat isn't anything like I imagined when I got on it. Even if I find the wheel in time, I won't know how to steer the boat, and I won't be able to see the rocks.

All I can do is sit before the radio as the waves crash against my boat. I wait for the rocks to sink me.

[nikesflight]

i think we have a tendency to glorify the past or maybe that's just me? because i see these old pictures and videos and suddenly i remember what it's like to open my eyes and see the ceiling of the place i used to live, or i remember how the passanger spot in your car used to be mine and i miss it but the thing is, i think i've forgotten just how i felt when i was living though it, that maybe i felt just like i do now, but i don't remember, because all i have now are ghost touch and fainted memories that are from inside me and looking out and never looking in. and i say "take me back" and "the good old golden days" but were they really that golden? like, maybe we just want what we can't have and nostalgia plays a big part in this, because at the core it is this; we want things to be different, but it's hard to imagine something that hasn't happened yet, so we retreat into something of the past.

[nikesflight]

just realized im probably going to be alive for at least 60 more years. very upsetting.

[nikesflight]

took a very big and probably insanely stupid decision today.

[nikesflight]

Today I called my mom, and she said "Thank you for calling me. I love you" and I haven't been good at keeping in contact for these last few months, so it felt good to hear her voice. It was raining really hard but I found shelter right before the rain began. I fumbled with my facemask and a guy chuckled and said "Takes some getting used to" and we shared a smile. I asked an old lady if I should hold the door for her, and she said "Bless you." I remembered something my friend told me about and texted her, and she said "It went amazing, thank you for remembering" and I realized I've been so caught up in my own shit that I haven't been a good friend lately. I will try my best to be better from now on.

Resently, things have been shitty most of the time. But maybe it's better to do something rather than nothing, even if it isn't 100% perfect. Even if it's just taking those extra two seconds to tell someone "Hey, I though about you today" - because chances are they will say "I though about you too."

And what a wonderful feeling that is.

[nikesflight]

the fact that i can just say things no questions asked is insane. just convinced my friends a famous instagrammer is going to jail for tax fraud. she just accepted it. im just out here telling blatant lies every day and no one says anything.

[nikesflight]